Double oh my god this is rubbish

Rating: Null/10 (17 November 2006)

Last night, I went to see Casino Royale. I didn't expect much, although I secretly hoped to be surprised by a tough gritty thriller devoid of all the overblown tat that has blighted the James Bond films for as long as I can remember. Stripped down Bond, edgy, moody - I had read all these things and more in an array of suspiciously complementary reviews. I loved James Bond as a child (Roger Moore), but had gotten less and less excited at the thought of the next release, and more and more annoyed at the way that the franchise acted like it had a god-given right to somehow demand respect from the public for being "BOND". Well, I have to say I was surprised. Never before have I seen the blatant homo-erotic 'man on man action' subtext displayed so openly. The whole film seemed mired in it's own camp importance. The acting was as wooden as Woody Woodpecker's wooden house. The dialogue was atrocious (as for Paul Haggis' 'glitter' - I dread to think what the script was like beforehand). The plot was disjointed and unbelievable - veering awkwardly from weird melancholy scenes delivered with zero charisma to weird 'slightly amusing' scenes delivered with zero humour. It succeeded in reducing poker to the least interesting and suspenseful game on the planet, and the least said about the stock European exposition man the better. It was an hour too long, had a bad ending that sought to blunt any trace of edginess the film had accidentally stumbled across during the previous 2 1/2 hours, and the blatant product placement was shameful. The best bit was a chase scene that while not making any real sense, at least stopped anyone from talking for 5 minutes. Did I mention the racial stereotypes straight out of 1980's action movies - sweaty Africans with machetes anyone?? Woeful. Don't waste your time.