This Ain't Bond, More Like New Coke

Rating: 2/10 (12 July 2009)

2 out of 10. A stupid film with bad acting and horrible effects that have nothing to do with any past Bond films. Totally forgettable random effects and no story line. The film opens with a chase scene that would have done Spiderman proud, replete with exploding gas tanks, and out of control bulldozers and skyscraper fist fights. It was a cartoon, not an action film. This "Bond" kills innocent bystanders. We see Bond's first kill - a badly choreographed wrestling match in a filthy men's washroom where he tried to drown the bad guy in a fetid sink. The opening credits are cartoons with bad graphics of "Bond" killing bad guys with card symbols. The song is forgettable and poor and there are no Bond girls. Dame Judy Dench is the new M who is just a rough pig who swears incessantly and walks fast. Whatever this is, it ain't James Bond. No style, no panache, no irony. It's like a porno, straight action and no story. Unwatchable and a huge disappointment. 2 out of 10.