Cars Is Terrible

Rating: 3/10 (2 October 2006)

The premise of Cars is one we've seen a million times before. Hot shot thinks he's the best. Hot shot runs into needy group of screw-ups. Hot shot comes to epiphany and gives up his superficial dream to help his lovable friends. Not that there is a problem with this premise in and of itself. These days it isn't so much what the movie is about as much as how we get there. We've all seen horror movies but Jaws made it an adventure. We've all seen war stories but Saving Private Ryan made it an experience. It is all in the ride, the ups and downs, the twists and turns (do NOT take this to mean all movies need twists (they don't (M. Night Shyamalan is a hack))). Therein lies Cars biggest flaw, the ride. All Pixar movies are gimmicky concepts to begin with but they set themselves apart in the ride. Well, all Pixar movies except Cars. I can't say for certain because I haven't been to Pixar's HQ but I imagine there is a plaque mounted on the front door that reads "MISSION STATEMENT: Leave no object un-anthropomorphized. It's cute and the jokes are easy." Incidentally, their only movie to focus on humans was their best, The Incredibles. But Cars follows the old formula. Instead of windshields the cars have eyes. Instead of grills a mouth. Instead of.well that's about as far as it goes. There is a half-hearted attempt to make the tires into appendages but it falls short and makes you feel like you are watching someone or something with a disability. Simply put, it does not work. The Cars inhabit a world devoid of all animal life (but plants are in full bloom?). While a noble effort it just raises plenty of questions: why do they need buildings? Who made the buildings? Who makes the cars? How do cars "die?" How come all of the cities are fictional and have cute car-related names except for Los Angeles? How do their politicians feel about issues concerning green house gases and exhaust fumes? Instead of using this opportunity to make some funny and insightful jokes the film seems to shrug carelessly and say "well it's just like our world only instead of people they're cars!" Sorry but it is boring to watch cars driving for two hours (NASCAR). Why did anyone think this was a good idea? How long would people sit along side the highway before deciding that they have had enough of watching cars drive by? My guess would be a hell of a lot less than two hours. This movie seems designed for a niche audience. And who knows, maybe I would have liked it a lot more if I were a gearhead. But I feel like I got most of the jokes. Like the car named Luigi (Tony Shaloub), complete with Italian accent and bravado, likes Ferraris, and the Mack truck is named Mack (John Ratzenberger). But suggesting that these jokes would be funny even to gearheads is more insulting than calling them, well, gearheads. Lame. Lame. Lame. Cars go to a diner to eat food. That's crazy. The cars go to a diner to get gas! You know, because gas is like food for cars. Or the flies are really VW Bugs. Get it? Flies. Bugs. Yes, I get it. And it doesn't end there. Cameos galore! Jay Limo is the late night host while Bob Cutlass and Darrell Cartrip are the sports commentators. Not to mention all of the hilarity that ensues in car crashes. I don't know if that's just me but I was sort of put off by the movie's carefree use of multiple car pile-ups. The problems of this film are too many to count and frankly, it is boring me trying to remember them all. Bottom line is that anything that made the old Pixar pics enjoyable is completely lacking here. All jokes are as predictable as the sunrise. The characters are as exciting as 2nd grade sketches. And most importantly there is no worthwhile reflection of our society whatsoever. As a punishment the hero of the film, Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson), has to pave a road. Sounds like punishment to me, so don't make me watch it for a majority of the movie.