Carwreck

Rating: 1/10 (14 September 2015)

We start off with Agent Finn McMissile riding out to a bunch of oil rigs that are on fire (I'm no mechanic but I'm pretty sure that oil and fire should be kept as far away from each other as possible). Anyway, he sees Professor Z (Zündapp) look at a video camera and goes to get a closer look (and the professor is German because, well, the Germans have already given us Uwe Boll, The Human Centipede, and both world wars). We then cut to the town and meet Lightning and the other characters including Mater, the star of this movie. Meanwhile, Lightning spends some time with his girlfriend Sally at a restaurant where the learn that an oil tycoon named Miles Axel is organizing a worldwide race, which Lightning gets invited to join even though he's supposedly on vacation. Sally forces him to take Mater along and they head for Towkyo (that's not a typo). The movie then takes a break to have them see the sights before cutting to Mater acting like an idiot and embarrassing Lightning, who's meeting this Italian car that he will be competing against. While all this is happening Finn meets someone called Holly and they decide that they need to find another agent. Meanwhile, Mater mistakes wasabi for ice cream and rushes to a water fountain (FYI: water inflames the taste of spicy food. You want to drink milk). Then some goons attack an agent in the bathroom and the agent puts his tracking beacon on Mater. So Holly thinks that Mater's a spy and Mater thinks he's got a date. It's now revealed that Allinol becomes extremely dangerous when hit by an electromagnetic pulse, so we now have a torture scene. The agent being tortured reveals that Mater is the spy. While Lightning is racing, the evil spies use the camera to blow the racers' engines. Holly hijacks Mater's communication, which somehow causes Lightning to lose the race, and when confronted, Mater says that his girlfriend is just a voice in his head. In both movies Mater makes Patrick Star look like a genius, now he's apparently schizophrenic as well. Mater is thinking about going home but Finn interrupts him and explains that there's suspicion that Allinol could have caused the crashes. Mater goes back with Finn and Holly to their layer, where they look at a picture that they managed to take. Finn and Holly think that the photo is a dead end but Mater notices a bunch of boxes hidden in it, which apparently Finn and Holly didn't notice. That's the only thing of interest in the photo! They never would have passed kindergarten, let alone spy training! The cars then head to Italy and Finn and Holly try to disguise Mater. For the final disguise, they have to fix Mater's dents, thus prompting Mater to boast about how he got his dents from hanging out with Lightning. If that's the case, then how come he was dented even before he met Lightning? This is where we learn about the term "lemon" from Mater, cars that don't ever work right. All the cars in this plot are lemons. Meanwhile, Lightning partakes in the second part of the race, which as a whole should have been the focus of the entire movie. Holly then asks a tow truck for help, planning to replace him with Mater. The problem is that Mater has a very distinct voice, so hopefully they'll do something to change it. But instead they have him not talk but he accidentally does so and gets caught. The next scene features a whole bunch of cars at a meeting. I can't help but that in this scene there's a bowl of fruit on the table, so I guess there's organic matter in this world after all. The boss then talks to them through a video that only shows his butt (do cars have-oh never mind). Why can't he do use an intercom if he doesn't want to be seen? Anyway, he tells them they're all outdated models and nobody makes parts for them anymore. That's like not making pacemakers anymore because the only people who use them are too old! I won't give away the rest but this is certainly a car-wreck.