A witless, artless, joyless, self-aggrandizing piece of schlock.

Rating: Null/10 (8 March 2019)

As an old-school Marvel fan, I am very, very disappointed in CM. And, due to the recent controversy surrounding the picture, my expectations weren't exactly stratospheric. The film looks, sounds and feels offensively bland, with Brie Larson serving as the soul-sucking coup de grace of the entire joyless affair. I'm sure the screenwriters figured a constant retro-pop touch to accompany its nineties setting would be enough to endear the viewer to the film AND Larson's CM, but it actually gets rather grating after a while, particularly due to its slaphazard integration. Being "Just a Girl" certainly isn't doing her any favors in this, I can tell you that. Guardians of the Galaxy, Captain America 1 and Agent Carter did 'proto-retroism' in Marvel movies/shows very right, with their fine selection of music and moody sci/fi-40's production designs respectively, but it's disappointing how they failed to follow through for our trip to a more recognizable, grounded and less distant past. Died-in-the-wool Art lovers who advocate for the total annihilation of pop cinema now have considerably more legs to stand on. Thanks, Captain.
But worse than the overall sterility, however, are the freshman college-level political allegories in the film, with the "inhibitor" being the most egregious example of cheap empowerment pandering I have seen in recent years. It's also hilarious how almost every man she comes into contact with is somehow looking to "keep her down" or otherwise denigrate her with sexist or misogynist remarks. It all seems so hollow and artificial, as if the writers made a desperate attempt to string together a series of narcissistic wish fulfillment fantasies, but failed to come up with the appropriate connective tissue. At no point does this charade turn into a legitimate story for the audience to get invested in and that is a crying shame. Tiresome, stakes-free action beats and predictably spotty CGI work don't exactly do anything to remedy that.
But surely the film has a good sense of humor about itself to offset the balance a bit? Well, no. There are a couple (literal couple, two) mildly entertaining lines here and there, but for the most part it's just the screenwriters pontificating their ideas of fun, without actually, you know, having or being fun. It's a rather tragic sight to behold, watching activist screenwriters trying their hand at something blood-pressure-lowering and failing SUPER hard, due to their life-long wokaine addiction. Everything is in service of
So yes, the film feels extraordinarily, nipple-rubbingly good about itself and there is a definite core of haughty overbearingness underneath the superficially energetic shell that is being presented to us. Perhaps, in part, because Brie Larson is such a flat-liner of an actress who doesn't appear to know how to imbue her character with the necessary life and humanity of a fictional superhero, so she appears to settle for being a real world hero among her sycophantic fans. Too bad. However, I probably shouldn't blame the film's failure entirely on Larson's buffoonish try-hardery, because the rest of the cast isn't particularly inspiring either. Jackson is somewhat serviceable as fan favorite Nick Fury, but the material he's given is as underwhelming as the rest of the film. That means ZERO chemistry with any other (human) cast member. You don't do that to Sam Jackson. You just don't put him in a situation like that. Ben Mendelsohn, on the other hand, makes an adorable (but utterly fruitless) attempt at covering his own ass by means of scenery chewing, A.K.A "Old Reliable for forty-something actors". Yeah, nice one, Ben. I probably would've done the same.
Of course, my real question is: why oh why did I even bother with this turgid misfire? When the biggest problems of a prestigious blockbuster film pertain to the star of the show, one can only hope said star's involvement in future endeavors remains limited. I fear that she will be allowed to soil Endgame, although the fact that that movie is being written and directed by far more capable people COULD make a difference.