MCU needs some tough love from us fans

Rating: 6/10 (13 March 2019)

DISCLAIMER: This review is only relevant for those who have watched all MCU movies more than twice not because there was spare time but, just because... So, newbies... skiddadle!
Captain Marvel will make you sad. If you are a parent, it will make you feel the way it makes you sad when your child disappoints you; if you are an Arsenal fan, it's the way Ã–zil disappoints you; if you are an Mass Effect fan, it's the way Andromeda disappoints you; if you are an EU citizen, it is the way UK disappoints you or if you are an astronaut, it's the way Earth disappoints you... catch my drift?
The movie does not fail for Brie Larsson, neither for it's story line. It does because of hasty, careless impromptu development. Captain Marvel needed more time and as there lies the wasteland of the MCU newcomer.
Not to worry, I'll post my findings from its autopsy.
1. Absolute lack of character building.
This is rampant through out the full run time, so much so that you'd never relate to the protagonist or the antagonist, EVER. Character base line is created with the laziest approach : flashback memory. The premise is that of a well-known trope that your Jane Doe is lost in the hapless C-35 looking for past identity. But the difference between this crap and Bourne Identity is that Jason Bourne is self conflicted at every step, whereas our cocky protagonist is super confident, to the point that she come of as arrogant! Viewers loved Iron Man (or Cap, or Natasha, or Dr. Strange, or Bucky, even Harbinger) because he suffered through hell to come out of the other end a changed man. A character arc is absolutely necessary for a origin story such as this one. It's like at points you'd almost want to get her ass handed to her which the movie never delivers.
2. Superbly clumsy writing.
All the major plot points are told or narrated to you. They never unfold in front of your eyes. It's like the movie is always trying to tell you why you need to care about individual A or Plan B or side kick C. Major characters are never introduced with gravitas and never even mentioned why they are 'major' in the first place. More often than not the script becomes boring and monotonously child-like sci-fi extravagance. It's like watching Swat Cats on shrooms.
3. Typical MCU like abomination of a back ground score.
The script tries too hard to deliver on the whole new trend of 90's nostalgia but fails miserably at best. Songs that are used are not well synchronized and does not go with the mood of the story line. You'll find yourself listening to a road-tripy kinda song when two major characters are driving trough a desert like road. That should work, right? BUT the movie forgets the fact that they are driving on a covert mission and one of them is having a continuous Dejavu! And rest assured that it never gets any better than that. It's so pathetic that at one point the movie had to invoke MCU's flag-ship title track... just to excite the viewer. Apart from this butchery of tracks the protagonist even often makes Aquaman-ish (Don't even get me started on this piece of crap) laughter enthused victory shrill during combat that'll makes one doubt if Hollywood would ever be able to portray a proper female superhero with dignity. (Yes, I hated Wonder woman too but that's a story for another time).
4. Humorless humor.
Think about George Costanza in Seinfeld, Zoey Tribbiani in Friends or Phil Dunphy in Modern Family. They were funny and they made us believe that the actor playing the character is dumb and funny. Reason? Timing + Delivery. There are countably few good laughs in this movie but that's uncharacteristically forced. You'd get to see other 'naive' sides of pre-established MCU characters but the jokes very rarely work because of timing. Jokes are lipped by characters during stand offs, during situations when mistrust is dripping on the screen and sometimes it's just flat-out mistimed.
With all the anguish poured out I feel exhausted now. I expect more from MCU and may be it is not possible for a franchise this large to keep producing flicks that are unique and never sub-par. With Iron Man came a forgettable Hulk, With Avenger came a less than avg Age of Ultron, so after long spell of incredibly well-crafted origin stories like Back Panther, Dr. Strange, Spider Man and Ant Man, it is not entirely possible that our expectation of Captain Marvel was running feverishly high and it's a bit disappointing. After all that parent is proud of his/her child, the fan is glued to each Arsenal game, we are always replaying ME with fem Shepard, and the Astronaut comes back home. As for UK, our thoughts and prayers.