"From Hoboken to Spokane.... He's the Star Spangled Man, with a Plan!"

Rating: Null/10 (22 July 2011)

***Sepia-toned Spoilers*** If you love a virginal patriotic man in tights, you must see Captain America: The First Avenger. Plucky young Steve Rogers is beset upon by bullies. Don't worry Steve, It Gets Better! And how. Military is in Rogers blood, but a host of maladies plague his body. He's skinny, he's asthmatic, he's everything pharmaceutical companies look for in a poster boy, but he's got one thing other's ain't got... Courage. After numerous attempts at enlisting, our hero gets in the Army, with the help of a tipsy Fairy-German Godfather. Steve has trials in boot camp that allow him to showcase his ingenuity, resolve, and dedication. Not since Madonna has such Ambition grabbed America by the balls. With a little help from Howard Stark, who has one hand in the future, and the other on a random hot-dame's tushie, Steve is injected, erected, electrocuted, and pretty much comes out the other side as Marvel's American Adonis. It's like he read one issue of Men's Health, and all the tips worked! (!!!) The tone of the movie is self-effacing yet sure-footed. I was only annoyed by the line, "This is not about me". How many Marvel Movies about Chris Evans must he remind us that it's not all about him? (???) Peggy, the love interest is pitch-perfect as a tough-as-nails high-brass broad who doesn't just dance with anyone. Bucky is strangely Steve's Age, and almost gets a hero moment before he falls off the train. There's some fun Iron Man post-foreshadowing (wrap your head around that), and we see where Tony Stark gets his mojo, his moulah, and his machines. The Red Skull could have benefited from a bit more back story, but he is serviceable, and no one sheds a tear when he suffers Odin's wrath (wrap your head around that one, too). Captain America is a feel-good ego boost at a time when we are all at each other's throats. I honestly never questioned whether Cap was a Democrat or a Republican. He certainly didn't seem concerned with what tax bracket he was in. There was enough multiculturalism in the cast to feel good about. And for the first time, a 3D moment really got me, and I actually flinched. ***Big Spoiler*** There is "The Avengers" trailer at the end, which feels kind of cheap and breaks tradition of having an credits end-cap scene. It was slick, and unfortunately only showed Scarlet Johannson as a female Avenger. So far from the female buffet Marvel served up in the X-Men flicks. I was hoping for some surprise like She-Hulk, Spiderwoman, or even The Wasp or The Scarlet Witch. Looks like The Black Widow will have her hands full of intrigue (good thing she's so flexible~ yawn). If you plan on seeing "The Avengers" in May 2012, be sure to catch up on Captain America lore here, first. Oh, and you may never look at a red, white and blue freeze pop the same way again!