Stan Lee's Buffalo Chips!

Rating: 2/10 (30 April 2012)

After suffering through Stan Lee's latest offering of buffalo chips, aka Thor, Epix finally got around to showing this last night.
I have a lot of problems with this, namely how we're supposed to buy that a scrawny runt who couldn't cut it in Basic turns into Rambo the moment he's pumped full of some radioactive crap. That he always know exactly what to do. That he never hesitates, never has a "my bad", and the crap coursing through his veins doesn't affect him one bit. In real life, Scrawny Runt wouldn't have had a clue, his body would have attacked the crap coursing through his veins, and he would have been dead by the time he was popped out of his pod!
The Bad Guy, a Nazi gone rouge, has a ray gun that, literally, evaporates everything it's pointed at. So, he builds this complex deep in the forest, houses 400 Allied soldiers, goofs on Wagner, and waits for the right moment to unleash Hell. Makes sense to me, too. Moreover, the Good Guys know all about Nazi Rouge and his plans to unleash Hell. Huh? If Hitler had gotten his hands on the ultimate Weapon of Mass Destruction, do you think he would have been holed up in the forest somewhere, goofing on Wagner, and biding his time? Hell, no!
After nearly two hours of this ham-fisted nonsense (and Tommy Lee Jones looking really, really constipated), we are treated to a close-up of a pair of eyes with the longest lashes you have ever seen. Is this a Maybelline commercial? No, it's Scrawny Runt lying on a cot, waking up as if from a bad dream! Moments later, he's running down the streets of present-day Manhattan (my idea of a bad dream), and runs smack into Samuel L. Jackson, who informs Scrawny Runt that he's been "asleep" for 70 years! So, why isn't Scrawny Runt at some a top-secret location being defrosted and debriefed? Because that would make way too much sense! Besides, Mr. Lee needs him to peddle his newest bag of buffalo chips, The Avengers!