Liberals in Italy

Rating: 2/10 (1 February 2018)

"Call Me By Your Name" is about a teenage boy who has a gay affair with an older man who is rooming at the Italia villa owned by his parents. This teenager doesn't get yelled at to clean up his room or to stop smoking pot. He isn't that kind of kid, and this isn't that kind of movie. When our 17-year-old protagonist isn't playing classical music on the piano or speaking fluent Italian or expounding upon obscure WWI battles, he snuggles up to mom and dad in the semi-darkness as mom strokes his head and translates German romantic poetry in a dreamlike whisper. You know, just like your mother did when you were 17. Dad finds out all about his son's gay fling, and his big moment comes towards the end of the movie where he cautions his son about the pitfalls of "feeling nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste." Then Dad pauses his flowery monologue to ask: "Have I spoken out of turn?" You know, just like your dad did when you were 17 and he was giving you a little fatherly advice about your sex life. I could not stand those parents with all their smug PhD tones and carefully measured phrases and over-the-top liberalism! They seem to transcend mere mortality with their how-to-raise-your-child perfection; it's as if they do their parenting way up on Olympus with the Gods. Even when the ex-boyfriend calls the house some months later to announce his engagement, these parents raise nary a peep of disapproval that their scoundrel houseguest was giving blowjobs to their teenage son when they weren't looking. Instead, they whoop with sheer delight at the older man's newfound happiness. You know, just like your parents did that time when you were a teenager and your adult gay lover married somebody else.
News flash! You, too, can experience this sort of parent-teenager bliss even though you don't have a PhD or live in an Italian villa! Why, it even works in suburbia with boring, run-of-the-mill people and boring heterosexual relationships! So the next time your 17 year old daughter has sex with the older auto mechanic renting your basement suite, just remember to tell her about "feeling nothing so as not to feel anything" so she's sure to cherish her feelings! Oh, and don't forget to ask her if you've "spoken out of turn" so she doesn't get pissed off at you!
Insufferable.