Ho-hum so sad.

Rating: 5/10 (26 January 2018)

What are the chances that two movies would hit the state-run theater at the same point in time, both of which prominently feature water, soft-boiled eggs, and masturbation? It's hard not to draw some parallels between The Shape of Water and Call Me by Your Name, and also between Call Me by Your Name and Moonlight or The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie. After all, characters in Call Me by Your Name even mention Luis Buñuel, but why is Armie Hammer so bad at eating eggs?
Although we get some drizzled chests and learn that love sometimes comes in crushed peaches, perhaps some things are better left unsaid, or some movies are better left unfilmed. Worst foreplay, EVAR.
The tragedy of Moonlight was being stuck in a world where coming out is impossible, whereas the tragedy of Call Me by Your Name is being stuck in an idyllic bourgeois lifestyle, travelling on bicycles to the next lunch, dinner, or swim date. One lover can go on to live a hetero-normative life, and another has his whole life ahead of him, a world full of music, swimming, eggs, fires, peaches, and apricot juice. These whiny white tall boys have every discreet charm of the bourgeoisie, never bothering once to check their privilege anywhere at all, except occasionally the power goes out and that means it's time to read German poetry by candlelight.
All of the water flowing between The Shape of Water and Call Me by Your Name will look tantalizing during the Great Water Wars of 2020, at which point you will have to keep my name out your mouth.