An intersectional triumph!!! A victory for narcissistic hedonism!!!

Rating: Null/10 (20 February 2018)

I know: the filmmakers were adapting a book and couldn't depart from its core. But you and I can have a thought experiment with two alternate plots, can't we? Here goes.
Alternate plot #1: In northern Italy in the 1980s, seventeen-year old Elia begins a relationship with Oliver, her art professor father's twenty-four year old cis-gender research assistant for the summer, with whom she bonds over her budding sexuality, their shared Jewish identity, and the charming north Italian landscape. At first Oliver is reluctant to respond to Elia's approaches but, as the age of consent in Italy is fourteen (because Juliet Capulet), he yields, to their mutual satisfaction. After their first sex, when Oliver is away, Elia, overcome with desire for Oliver, satisfies her passion with a zucchini from her family's kitchen garden (a motif borrowed from the "Therèse Philosophe" scene in the 1973 masterpiece Immoral Tales), beautifully illustrating how natural and wholesome their love is. Later, at her progressive sorta-Jewish parents' positive urging, Elia and Oliver travel together to Bergamo, get drunk, have lots of sex, and run around under gushing waterfalls calling each other by their own names, a courageous experiment in transexuality. Six months later, after Oliver has returned to the U. S. and Elia has had an abortion, Elia's mother consoles her tearful daughter with wise words about the summertime sex romp as something "very special."
Alternate plot #2: In northern Italy in the 1980s, seventeen-year old Elio feels sexually attracted to Oliver, his art professor father's twenty-four year old bisexual research assistant for the summer, with whom he slowly forms a relationship over his budding sexuality, their shared Jewish identity, and the charming north Italian landscape. At first Oliver is strongly tempted to yield to Elio's advances, but manfully resists, explaining to Elio the reasons why it would be wrong for them to have sex together: their obvious age difference (despite the fact that the age of consent in Italy is fourteen); the betrayal of Elio's parents' trust; the moral confusion that might be caused to a still-developing young man; and the deep emotional damage caused by reducing sex to meaningless and casual hedonistic gratification. They travel together to Bergamo, where Oliver teaches Elio about Greek and Roman sculpture and they form a lasting friendship worthy of the name. Years later they meet in New York, each married with children and happy lives. They look each other square in the eye and share a firm handshake. Elio thanks Oliver for his moral courage and self-control all those years ago.
The woke film industry just cannot help itself from nagging and lecturing us about how hip homosexuality is and how most of us are bigoted clodhoppers for not getting their message no matter how often they send it. Well, this message is pretty clear. Did you miss the allusions to the Greek myth of Narcissus, what with all the ponds and swimming pools, not to mention the silly "call my by your name" thing? Elio: "I love you, Elio!!" Oliver: "I love you, Oliver!" In another scene Oliver is reviewing images of classical Greek sculpture with his professor host and all he has to say about the Charioteer of Delphi is "So sensual," as if the viewer's hard-on is the true test of an immortal artwork's beauty.
If you value your time on this earth, do not waste two and a half precious hours in the theater enduring this thing.