Student film with a budget.

Rating: 3/10 (10 January 2018)

Don't believe the hype. After all the "best film ever made/masterpiece/10 out of 10/perfection" reviews I cannot tell you how disappointed I was. Given the 45 minute drive each way to find a cinema playing this, that's a total of 4 hours of my life I cannot get back.
If you've seen more than three art house films (all of which will be better than this) you'll be bored out of your mind. The only people who would give this a 10/10 would be "I've just seen my first art house film" newbs, the director's parents, or the director himself, Luca Gaudagnino, who I'm sure spent every moment between takes practising his Oscar acceptance speech.
Pretentious (another reviewer here nailed it - "smug and self congratulatory"), dull, aimless, confused, no stakes, no conflict, no structure... I could go on. And I will.
The director was so painfully in awe of how avant garde his film was - yet it really wasn't. All this talk of how "sensual" and "sumptuous" the film was - it's just not there. It really isn't. So the kid jizzed into a peach. Is that it? American Pie did that fifteen years ago, and it wasn't pretending to be avant garde.
There is an expression in poker - don't fall in love with your cards - meaning, don't fall so in love with how amazing you think your hand is that you stop paying attention to what the other players have. And in this case the director fell so in love with his film he forgot to think of the audience, and crafting well turned story points for them.
Zero chemistry between the two male leads - Armie looked nervous as hell and the kid was dull. The only person I cared about was the female love interest, played by Esther Garrel - excellent acting on her part.
Another classic rookie mistake - not knowing when to end! There were three different endings. And this was after a 5 minute eulogy on heartbreak from the father, who made the same point in about 6 different ways - WE GET IT, "feel the pain of heartbreak". I could see Luca behind the lens at this point, mouthing out the words to his Oscar speech.
Speaking of the parents - they were cool with this? "Oh hey Armie Hammer, giant late 20s man staying in our house in a professional context... please have our tiny 17 year old son as your sexual plaything for the summer". What?
If this was indeed an Imdb campaign to hype up the score and sell tickets, please think about the people on the other end - who gave up hours of their precious life to have you take to their brain cells with a rubber mallet.
If you want "sumptuous" and "sensual" go eat a mango. It'll save you fifteen bucks.