Best performance by a wax mannequin ever.

Rating: 3/10 (1 May 2014)

Where to start when reviewing "Burlesque"? What's the sound of one hand clapping? I caught this turgid exercise in tedium wrapped around Cher and Xtina Aguilera on cable the other night. "Burlesque" revives a plot that was old in the 1930s. Kid from nowhere shows up in the big city, reveals a hot set of pipes, and voilà, instant stardom! Usually this sort of malarkey starred Ruby Keeler, but since she's long dead, Xtina takes her place. Warner Baxter, he of the famous line "You're going out there a youngster, but you've got to come back a star!" (from "42nd Street" 1933), is also long dead, so Cher takes his place.
Every cliché imaginable occurs here. Evil supposed star of the show who plots to overthrow the ingénue, sassy gay backstage manager, hot boyfriend, impending financial doom, instant last-minute solution to the whole financial problem, love conquers all, roll credits. Also many, many terrible musical numbers featuring the vocal prowess of Xtina. This woman never met a song she didn't beat into submission. This is urban yodeling at it's finest. All songs sound alike, featuring a cast of dozens on splashy sets using Faux Fosse moves. Hey, isn't this theater in financial ruin? Where is the money coming from to put on these huge numbers? Evidently, you aren't supposed to think about this.
Which brings us to Cher, giving the best performance ever by a wax dummy. Yes, she's an icon. She has an Oscar, legions of fans, makes a comeback every two years, and could easily be replaced in this movie by that unused flesh-colored Crayola that sits in the back of the box. One would think that after losing all her Oscar credibility by doing that infamous series of hair care product infomercials, she would have picked better material for a return to the screen. She's given a series of snappy lines that she sleepwalks through, and a really forgettable power ballad to warble. This is a sad situation for Cher, since anyone who paid to see this in a theater went to see her, not Xtina.
So, the state of the American movie musical remains comatose. Everyone involved here seems to have gone into hiding, except for perky Stanley Tucci, who's now embarked on a career path of playing snappy gay characters, and Cher, who went back to Vegas for the 1,000,000 time.