Diva death-match

Rating: 3/10 (24 July 2016)

Take a little "Fame", a bit more "Chicago", a little bit more "Dreamgirls" and a lot more "Cabaret", mix them all up, serve cold and hey presto - "Burlesque" a really very clichéd, stereotypical movie musical featuring divas from the past and present in the personae of Cher and Christina Aguilera.
You name it, almost every stock character and situation you can think of in this context is worked in and to death, the young, talented wannabe singer, her backstage, bitchy rival, the older Teflon-tough mother-hen club-owner with a heart of gold, her gay, sympathetic, through-thick-and-thin assistant manager, the grasping, super-rich property magnate out to buy out the failing club and the handsome, sympathetic barman who wouldn't you know it, is a gifted songwriter with a long-time, long-distance fiancé who puts up the young singer with predictable results.
The story really itself from all of the above in a wholly predictable manner which would be all very well if it was well acted, staged and acted but unfortunately it isn't. Cher's face us so botoxed that she can only just make her lips move to speak, Aguilera tries hard, way too hard, to impress leaving just Stanley Tucci to steal most of his scenes as everyone's shoulder-to-cry-on.
Like the aforementioned "Dreamgirls", the songs just aren't strong enough either and fail to lodge themselves in the memory in any way. When Aguilera's boy-friend near the end finally presents her with the big song he's been holding back for her, it's just a formulaic sub-disco effort. Moreover, it's ridiculous for Aguilera to make her big pitch to Cher by pleading to actually sing rather than lip-synch on the club stage, only for her to proceed to lip-synch all her own songs from then on.
The production numbers too lack the snap and imagination of "Chicago", never mind anything Bob Fosse ever created, leaving the film a rather empty construct, filled with paper-thin characters and a happy ending constructed, literally out of thin air.
This I'm afraid is one cabaret you don't want to come to.