Diamonds sparkling in a muddy bog

Rating: 6/10 (5 December 2010)

Imagine, if you will, Judy Garland getting the chance to come back to life (a.k.a. "Our Town") to live one day - one day in which to experience the thrill of being at her best - reprising, at age 21 - in a movie showcasing her talents. It's a busy day in heaven, so God arbitrarily assigns her to play Andy Sachs, the popular heroine of The Devil Wears Prada, forgetting that Garland's voice is, after all, her greatest asset. She complains; He says, "fine - let's try something else - bring along the same characters, the ingénue, the difficult boss with a uber-loyal sidekick manager and an impossibly bitchy colleague: but to add the music you say you want, let's set the story in ..in." and now He's stumped, because 2010 is a far cry from Garland's prime, the 30s and 40s. "A cabaret?" she suggests, helpfully. "Well, along those lines, but this is America, so, not exactly."
"Right," she nods, "so, say, L.A., and 2010, so the sexuality has to be kicked up a notch..so can I tart it up a little? And throw in a few gay references?" "Well..." He responds reluctantly. "A promise is a promise. Just keep your clothes on but anything else goes. Got it," he agrees, scribbling the script on a cloud and kicking the story into action.
Welcome to "Burlesque." Derivative? Totally. A strong talent base? Absolutely. Christina Aquilera channels Garland, or least matches her considerable talents, both vocal and dramatic,as the ingénue. Cher is the seemingly ageless, club-owning boss, who confidently owns the stage in a big opening number with the same title as the film. Rounding out a stellar cast are Stanley Tucci, the AC-DC right-hand friend and manager; Kristen Bell as the impossibly wicked fellow dancer; Cam Gigandet as the low-key love interest for the heroine; and Eric Danes, the too-good-to-be-true wealthy would-be lover pushing for a chance with the New Little Dancer with the Big Hidden Talent.
The problem is that the talent deserves a fitting forum, but the plot is so full of holes that it ranges from being merely tedious to being ludicrous. In a strip-joint setting where willingness to show skin and lynchsync is the only required skill for dancers, and in an industry where the women are a dime a dozen, Our Plucky Gal Ali can't seem to beg her way out of waitressing and onto the stage. Later she gets the chance only when Rival Nikkie(Bell)is sent away, drunk; Nikkie then sabotages Ali's big musical number by cutting off the sound, out of sheer jealousy. Despite all this, the venom-spouting Nikkie gets to keep her job with not a single eyebrow raised. And then there's club owner Tessa (Cher), who has supposedly has been savvy enough to run the club for decade, yet seems clueless as to why she is in debt or what to do about it. Jack (Gigandet) finally beds Nikki after her extended resistance, without mentioning he hasn't really broken off with his fiancé after all. Said fiancé storms into the apartment and Nikkie is disgraced and thrown out in the middle of the night with Jack's consent - but after an attempt at apology from Jack a few days later, no prob, all is well and happily after after. There's more, but you get the picture. So--film potential, a thousand percent; realization, not so much.
If you're all about the music and dancing, go for it - this is a movie you'll love. Aquilera fans - yes, this movie shows her in top form. Cher lovers - yes, she's still got what it takes - although she seems to have had so much "work" that one struggles to remember her original lips and eyes. The other actors work hard to pull it all together. But for those wanting the whole nine yards - the kind of movie musical that made Judy Garland the darling of her day and revered throughout America - this ain't it. This is a muddy bog of a story, sprinkled only at odd intervals with all too brief glimpses of talent. Garland, in looking at the big picture, might even have taken a pass - and gone back to heaven to savor memories of "A Star is Born." It's a shame that, in trying to be that movie - and "Prada," and "Cabaret," and "Fosse" that "Burlesque" has yet to find an identity of its own.