it broke my heart so much

Rating: 10/10 (15 March 2006)

The true is that I was in love so much by someone who i miss so much. They were many years of happiness, and solitude, but i couldn't continue with him, because he though some things about me because the friends who i had, but in fact i was so shy and nervous, I think that i Lost him because of my personality, we were young, i don't know if he tried by the first time this kind of relation with me, but i love him so much, We never couldn't give a kiss in the lips because of my shy. I met him in the high school, we were friends firstly, after high school, we continued studying but he was with girls and the same time he was with me, it hurt ed to me, but i loved him, he got married, I broke with him, by respect to her wife who was my friend, the years passed, he had 2 babies with her, he came back to my life when he assisted many times to the disco, but i ignored him, many times too, (but i loved him so much). I tried to forget him but I felt so depressed, the love that i feel, is so strong more than the universe, the real love which couldn't breath because i was so shy and stupid, i never said him I LOVE YOU, never he told me it too. it was in 1996 And our history finish because i had dignity and respect. But i lost many relations, many good moments in respect to the love which i had for him.
But the time is passing, now is 2006 and I miss him, i am alone yet. i have many things to say him, many things to share with him, i am already not shy and quiet, i have changed. i want to see him again, i miss him a lot of. I tried in all those years forget him, with the music of ABBA, or studying act which i like so much, i tried fall in love with someone who lives in Europe or USA, in spite of I have my own website from 1999 with many pictures. but, nobody really interested for me write to me, nobody fall in love with me, (maybe for my work time or maybe because i am not good chatting on line) I live only form y work, for my family and my friends who are heterosexuals, I preferred to have friends like that, because, gay people in discos are so arrogant or empty or only want sex and no more, the real love doesn't exits in them. And i hate the gay clubs they are only sex. i want more than this. I feel so alone, my friends have her girlfriends, my female friends the same, but I don't have someone for me, it depressed to me so much.
The years are passing, I am not 18 like i met him, now I am alone I am 27, I am afraid of be 30 and continue alone.
The years have passed i don't know where is he living, some friends of him told me that he is in Argentina, others told me that he is in USA.
The years are passing quickly, and I have only 2 photos of him, and only the 9 notebooks diaries where I write everything about us, i keep with me only memories......only memories, and the high school (my mountain) where i met him, but this place is empty without him.
like the movie, I have a beautiful family, but I am alone now, living only with memories that are killing to me.
I was so quiet, living the life with my friends, my family, my good job, but I saw 3 days ago this movie, today i saw it again and it hurts to me deeply, i don't know what i am going to do, I can't to she this feeling with my family or my friends they know that i am gay, but they are not going to understand me.
This movie now is the best that I have, it hurts to me, but it the best that have happened to me. I wasn't waiting it but It is like my life. And Iam alone, i feel so alone and this solitude is killing me, the songs of this movie are part of my life now, and the pictures and the movie. everything is rounded on my mind every time, every shoot of the movie, and i am so depressed these days.
The history continues in my own web: http://abbachristians.tripod.com/chrisamor.html christians_99163864@hotmail.com