It's STILL That Gay Cowboy Movie (SPOILERS)

Rating: 4/10 (8 April 2006)

So I finally watched most critics' so-called movie of the year last night, Brokeback Mountain. The most common thing I read about the movie was "After you've seen it, you'll never call it 'That gay cowboy movie' again". Guess what? It's still THAT GAY COWBOY MOVIE.
Where to start....Well, Jack and Ennis are outside a trailer waiting for a job and they don't say anything... Then they get a job watching over sheep. For what seems like an eternity, THEY DON'T SAY ANYTHING. When Ennis (Heath Ledger) finally does talk, he mumbles so incoherently that you can't understand a word he says anyway. So they're all alone, hardly talking up on the mountain...once in a while Jack talks about the rodeo or something pointless. Then one night Ennis is sleeping outside while Jack is in his tent. Ennis is shivering and Jack tells him to get in the tent. Jack decides to put his arm around Ennis and Ennis pulls away and looks like he's going to fight him. Instead he pretty much bends him over and rapes him. It's not romantic, it's not sweet, it's violent and disgusting (and yes, if it was a man and a woman, it would still be violent and horrible). Then for some reason they get in a fist fight and Ennis's shirt gets all bloody and he leaves it behind.
After they are done with their job they part ways and Ennis marries the slut from Dawson's Creek. They have 2 kids. Meanwhile Jack marries Princess Diaries (yes, we see her awesome boobs) and has one kid with her. 3 or 4 years later Jack comes to visit Ennis and make out in the ally and Dawson's Creek sees them (but says nothing). They then go on a few fishing trips each year. Eventually Dawson's Creek catches on and divorces Ennis.
Lalalalala, 20 years passes and Ennis can't hold on to a job or a woman and he and Jack continue to go on fishing trips. They never say anything to each other really, they just hug and make eyes at each other. Then Jack finally breaks down and says "I wish I could quit you" or some nonsense. At this point, who the hell cares. I don't believe in them as a loving couple at all.
Then Ennis gets a post card saying that Jack died. Ennis calls Princess Diaries to find out what happens. She goes on to tell him a story about him changing a tire and getting hit with the hub cap and drowning in his own blood (meanwhile they are showing a flashback of 3 dudes beating Jack up in a field).
Ennis then goes to Jack's parents and goes to his old room and finds the bloody shirt from 20 years ago. Ennis sobs a little, takes the shirt and leaves. Now we're at Ennis's trailer. His daughter visits him with news that she's getting married. He says he can't come to the wedding because of his job, but then changes his mind. She leaves, and Ennis looks at the bloody shirt and says "Jack, I swear.." THE END
Why is my review so boring and matter of fact? Because this movie was BORING AND MATTER OF FACT! It was incredibly boring. They never really show you why the characters do what they do (other than a flashback of Ennis when he was a boy when his father showed him the body of a gay man that was murdered for being gay). For all the talk about this movie being romantic and whatever, I found it to be nothing of the sort. Two guys f***. Have sham marriages. Get together once in a while to f*** some more. Finally admit they love each other. Then one dies. Who cares!? I am the most over emotional guy I know...this movie affected me ZERO
For the record, I did not like this movie....not because it was about 2 guys, but because it was boring and crap. It was like 2 hours, but felt like 4. The acting sucked too. Heath Ledger got nominated for mumbling!? Gimme a break!
4/10