12 Things I Learned from Brokeback Mountain

Rating: 4/10 (17 January 2006)

Although I was strangely unmoved by director Ang Lee's noble attempt to make the masses forget The Hulk ever happened, it doesn't mean I walked away from Brokeback Mountain completely empty-handed. Here are a few valuable things I learned from America's favorite gay cowboy opus.
1. Copious amounts of beans and whiskey will make you gay. Like, barebacking gay.
2. Dishes, dishes, dishes. There is an inordinate amount of dishes to be cleaned in the '60s and '70s, but, thankfully, Michelle Williams really knows her way around a kitchen sink -- as does this director.
3. Anne Hathaway really knows her way around a wig.
4. It is very difficult to express all the important, heartfelt things you have to say to your new gay cowboy lover with a bunch of marbles and peanut butter in your mouth, but you'll still get nominated for an Oscar.
5. Every guy in Texas is a closeted gay EXCEPT the rodeo clown.
6. People didn't age in the '70s...they just grew sideburns.
7. Any time you have sex with a woman instead of your gay cowboy lover, she'll have a baby--in the next scene.
8. Children do nothing but scream, cry and break things in stores. (And prompt you to go fishing with your gay cowboy lover).
9. There are no gay hustlers in Texas, but they are all over the place in Mexico.
10. It is a way better idea to wait out the sexual revolution and risk a painful death at the hands of homophobic hicks in Wyoming or Texas instead of moving with your gay cowboy lover to -- gee, I dunno -- San Francisco or Fire Island.
11. If a movie is over 130 minutes, it means that it is really, really important. Like, Oscar important.
12. Gay sex is excruciatingly boring -- even with Donnie Darko. Who knew?