This film may change your life

Rating: 10/10 (12 January 2006)

I had been expecting this film for a while, with plenty of rumours surrounding its making and its release. My first expectation was one of mild titillation  a gay-themed movie with good-looking actors and a Hollywood budget, how far would they go, etc When the film opened in the US, I looked at the website reviews and it dawned on me that this was going to be a very different, rather more serious experience.
This is the mood in which I entered the cinema last week when I first saw it. Despite being 48 and having a reserved, introvert demeanour, I can shed the odd tear at a good movie. So I came with the proverbial box of tissues. I thought I was prepared.
Well, how wrong I was. After maybe half an hour, having been drawn slowly into the film starting with the unforgettable score, I began to feel as Ennis does at one point in the film, as if my guts were slowly being drawn out by the yard. The last fifteen minutes pushed the pain and the sadness to a nearly unbearable point. I left the cinema in tears and tried to regain my composure at home, to no avail. This is now the fifth day, and I have been haunted by this film ever since. It has already cost me several sleepless nights, with the characters and the scenes constantly rushing through my head. I had not had this reaction to a film since I was a rather depressive and sensitive teenager struggling with a growing awareness of his homosexuality. And then again, the reaction had never been so strong.
The day after I first saw the film, I bought the novel and read it in one go (it's very short and only takes about an hour). This definitely helps understanding the film, although I think the movie transcends the novel by a long way. By then, I felt I just had to see the film again the next day. On the second viewing, a lot of things clicked in the film that I had not appreciated before. A few details that had grated me on first viewing now fell into place and it felt as if nothing could be changed to the film. This time, I was just about overwhelmed - I cried my heart out again, even more so than the first time. I am now convinced this is an absolute masterpiece, and the film is right up there in my top ten favourites.
I have been thinking a lot as to why this film struck such a chord at this point in my life. After all little if anything of it is relevant to my life  my own experiences could not be more remote than that of farmhands in Wyoming. The first explanation is of course about the shared experiences with anyone who has grown up gay (especially so thirty years ago)  the longing, the repressed feelings that cannot be articulated or aired, the dead-end situations, the secrets, the isolation and self-hate in an homophobic environment. But the film has a much greater significance and relevance, and eventually connects to all human experience: the overriding importance of love and relationships, the memories of grief and personal losses, the heartaches we have all experienced, the sense of time that goes away and will never come back, the sadness of lost opportunities, the endless quest for a better life, the dangers of holding back from more fulfilling alternatives in life, of not making commitments where one's heart lies but taking refuge in a humdrum existence that proves ultimately unsatisfactory whilst time ebbs inexorably away. So it is indeed, deep down, relevant to all of us.
What can I say about the actors, the score and the direction that has not already been said better elsewhere? Outstanding sounds too feeble. If Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal were to spend the rest of their (hopefully) long careers sticking to commercial trivia, movie history will forever remember them for the extraordinary performances they give here. Ledger's grunts and Gyllenhaal's longing, beautiful eyes say infinitely more than can ever be put in a script.
You can find flaws in the film if you look for them. It could be another hour longer to develop the characters more fully in the second half, spanning twenty years. The film could show more intimate affection between Jack and Ennis (which I would find more satisfactory as a gay man). But enough ifs and buts. The emotional charge in the film is intense as it is, and it is what counts. So, I have to give a ten.
Who cares if this film does or does not reap Oscars? No doubt there have been other outstanding performances at the movies this year, all worthy of rewards. But only a handful of films have ever transcended their medium and their theme to become great works of art connecting to the universal human condition. This is one of the few, and this is worth very much more than any award bestowed by the critics.
I had to write this review, my first ever, to get this film out of my system and get on with my life. I can only say one thing. Go and see it. At all costs. You will come back emotionally drained, but ultimately a better person. Trust me.