Fight for your right to leave the pants at home!

Rating: 10/10 (29 October 2013)

Mel fights for the right to wear a skirt without being killed by some intolerant Englishman. He's also fighting for the freedom to free-ball under said skirt. Mel plays William Wallace, a warrior who leads a whole army of free-ballers in this beautiful and bloody historical epic.
Wallace's ambition would be all well and good were it not for the fact that all is not well in the state of England. King Edward is a trifle bitter when he realizes that his prince son has a longshank for another dude. This throws a phallic wrench into any plans King Ed may have had for an heir. Things really start to go south for northerner Wallace when King Ed shows that he's not so much the king of England as he is the king of douchebaggery when he decides he's going to teach Latin and invoke the law of prima nochte whereupon an English lord can rape any newly married Scottish woman. But King Shank doesn't foresee the consequences of sexually abusing the women of thousands of angry Scots and when Will's wife is tragically executed for going against policy, he is a highlander who will not take the high road.
At the battle of Stringaling, the plaid patriot's army is hopelessly outnumbered and what's worse is the English military machine has horsepower! But when the battle commences, it's the Scots who gain the advantage as they show the charging cavs who's really got the long shanks when they pull out their woods and shank 'em off their steeds. The battle proves a vicious victory for the Scots. But unfortunately, it's not all downhill for the highlanders after that. They will have to defend their title as heavyweight champions at the Battle of Falkor if they want to make history.
Not only is Braveheart possibly the last historical epic not to rely on CGI, but it set a precedent for manly screaming in film. Do you really think we would have had a movie like 300 were it not for the emotive whaling in this thrilling opus? Braveheart is also significant for being the first film to display director Mel's healthy obsession with gory executions.