Quite impossibly bad

Rating: 1/10 (6 March 2006)

I must be missing something here, as this is easily one of the most shockingly terrible, tear-my-eyes-out-so-I-don't-have-to-see-it, train wreck mess of an excuse for a film that I have ever had the severe misfortune to bear witness to. I am sitting here in my living room literally unable to come to terms with how execrable this 'film'was.
How anyone can think this is good is quite beyond me. A few points: -The look of the film is not 'grandiose' or 'lush', it is crap. The effects are crap, the sets are crap. It's just a royal glut of crapness from start to finish.
-Every cast member excerpt Gary Oldman turns in a career-worst performance par excellence.
-Calling it 'Bram Stoker's Dracula' is an exercise bordering on the farcical. This film should be called 'Francis Ford Coppola's unashamed molestation of Dracula, aided and abetted by the most staggeringly inept fake English accents ever committed to celluloid'.
Keanu Reeves' English accent is (deep breath) worse, yes WORSE than Dick Van Dyke's horrific cockney aberration from Mary Poppins. This in itself is quite an achievement and almost makes the film worth watching. Actually, no it doesn't.
To sum up, by all that you hold dear do not watch this film. Spend two hours removing your skin with a power-sander then have a salt bath. It will be a less painful experience. I bid you good day.