Love it or hate it, but I can't believe some people actually love this

Rating: 3/10 (18 August 2013)

I've been in love with the Dracula story for a long time now. Bela Lugosi as Dracula was just my cup of tea. Yes, it was a long time ago and the acting was more overdone than today, but I still loved it to my heart. And then I watched this. I love Gary Oldman, I adore Keanu Reeves, and I worship Anthony Hopkins. ALL of them were terrible in this movie. All. of. them! How is this even possible? And don't even let me start on Winona Ryder. I've really, really tried to like her since I saw her in Beetlejuice. But everything else she did just doesn't to it for me. I'm doing this as a review of the movie as a movie, not an adaptation of the book.
The movie was really boring to watch. The curves of action and interesting stuff happening had not pattern what so ever. It looked very interesting in the trailer, especially when I heard Oldman's laughter as Dracula, but I was really disappointed.
The acting. Oh god the acting. I don't know where to start. I really cringed and sat with a "what the deuce"-expression in my face during the Dracula's Brides-scene with Keanu Reeves being seduced by some horny naked vampires. I get it, vampires are sexy nowadays, especially the women. I get the seduction. But really? He only looked at them and BOOM he looked like he was getting the pleasure of his life. And when he overly dramatically said "Music!? Those ANIMALS!?", after Gary Oldman had said the famous "The children of the night! What music they make!"- line, and it sounded like he said it without having nostrils, I really couldn't take any of them seriously at all.
Gary Oldman has a huge repertoire as an actor and it is just awesome! But what happened here Oldman? Where you drunk? Did you eat something that made your bowel movements go "oops"? Did you watch some kind of sad children's movie before you got on set? Because it sure looks like you did these things. Him as Dracula did just not work at all! I don't know what I should say about the accent, too thick for my taste. I have no idea what a Transylvanian accent sounds like, but I didn't like it this time.
Anthony Hopkins didn't make it to me either. I love his action usually, but here something happened to him. He was fitting as a Van Helsing, he did it OK, but there was no real feeling to it. It felt like he was just thrown into the movie by Coppola, saying to him: "Could you just do this scene very quickly? Then you can go home".
And Winona Ryder. Poor girl really can't act any more. There is this dead, boring aura around here that won't go away. It's like she knows there is a camera there and she wants to shine as the best actress you'll ever see. She wants to be Meryl Streep, but she is and stays Winona Ryder. No more. And I think the scene where she finds out that "her love" is Dracula and he killed Lucy. She cries for less than fifteen seconds. Then she clumsily, and very unromantically, says "I love you". And the "Take me away from all this death" line? Uhm, honey, you're talking to Dracula. He kills people every bloody night. You want to be a part of him forever? You're gonna have a bad time.
And Sadie Frost: stop acting like you're in an adult movie. Getting bitten in the neck and being sick isn't pleasurable, like you make it sound. It is supposed to hurt, not give you pleasure spasms.
And I can't even say how annoyed I was by some of the "special effects". The blood coming out from Dracula's "torso", his wrinkled face floating in the sky like in a badly made goth metal band's album cover,
I could rant about so much more, but I have one thing I want to say did go well. The makeup. Dracula's form as a bat and an old man was actually pretty scary. Whoever did the makeup made Dracula look frightening and threatening, which I don't see too often. The same with Lucy's vampire makeup. Maybe a bit overdone (we're talking the whitest of the white faces you'll ever see), but scary. I just got annoyed by thinking of the poor child being so frightened of her that they had to really, really sweet talk with her to do the scene. But credits and stars to the makeup artists. Thumbs down and shaking of heads to the rest, especially you Coppola. You did great with the Godfather. Don't ever make vampire movies again, please.