Bram Stoker's Dracula my arse!

Rating: 3/10 (23 June 2012)

If I were to rate Francis Ford Coppola's adaptation of Bram Stoker's Dracula based on style alone, it would get a pretty decent score, the film boasting some truly striking visuals achieved through a wide range of classic pre-CGI movie-making techniques. Coppola's bold aesthetic decisions are wasted, however, on a film which suffers from a dreadful script that strays way too far from its source material, features some of the most embarrassing performances imaginable, and is quite simply a very, very dull viewing experience.
Over the years, I've developed a pretty good idea of what makes for an effective vampire: undead soul-less agents of Satan, their only desire should be to feed on the blood of humans, the more cruel and ruthless they are in this pursuit the better—oh, and if possible, they should look cool while doing so. They certainly shouldn't fall in love.
And yet this film sees Dracula (Gary Oldman hamming it up for all he is worth), supposedly the most evil vampire of them all, sporting a really stupid get-up that makes him look like an old queen, and has him pining for a woman. And not just any woman, but bloody Winona Ryder, quite possibly the most insipid actress ever. In short, he's a bloody embarrassment to bloodsuckers everywhere!
As if that wasn't bad enough, the film also features Keanu Reeves in the role of Jonathan Harker, a more miscast actor you would be hard pushed to find; Reeves's lamentable attempt at an English accent rivals that of Dick Van Dyke's dreadful Cockney in Mary Poppins for sheer ineptitude, turning his scenes into unintentional comedy gold. Anthony Hopkins fares little better as Van Helsing, Tom Wait's Renfield isn't a patch on Dwight Fry's in the 1931 classic, and Sadie Frost is overtly sexual when she really shouldn't be.
For all the incredible sights on offer in this elaborate production (including the scrummy Monica Belluci once again baring her magnificent chest), this is a truly retched attempt at bringing Stoker's novel to the screen, and one that should be treated with contempt by all genuine Dracula fans.