Dreckula...

Rating: 3/10 (30 July 2013)

Some mind-bogglingly bad performances have been captured on film. Exhibit A: Al Pacino's laugh-out-loud performance in the notoriously overrated SCARFACE. "Who joo talking to...?" Exhibit B: Martin Landau's who-gives-a-f*** turn as Bela Lugosi in ED WOOD. Exhibit C: Nicole "You gotta be kiddin' me" Kidman in COLD MOUNTAIN (or whatever it was called). Exhibit D: EVERYBODY in DICK TRACY (ESPECIALLY Madonna and Warren Beatty). Exhibit E: Jeff Bridges in the American remake of THE VANISHING. I could go on (and on and on; this's an EASY one, once you get started), but time's a'wastin'. I'm here to talk about Gary Oldman in "BRAM STOKER'S" Dracula. (Wynona Ryder and Keanu Reeves were TRYING, damn it, though Anthony Hopkins just phoned it in- again...) Oldman's mangling of whatever accents he was attempting is hilarious to watch: he may well have had a mouthful of marbles (it would explain a lot). The movie LOOKS great, but there are times when Looks just ain't enough. THIS is one of them times. Rewriting Stoker is never a good idea; filmmakers do so at their own peril. The "origin" story of Dracula, lifted from the black and white Dracula LIVES! Marvel Comics magazine, adds little to the film (well, it extends the running time, but that's about all). Next time around (and there WILL be a next time; you can count on it), maybe it'd be a good idea to just do it By The Book. And, while I'm at it, whoever's up next with an attempt at a theatrical version of Richard Matheson's I AM LEGEND should get a copy of HIS script for same from Gauntlet Press; it sure as s*** couldn't hurt...