Er, Largely Sucks.

Rating: 4/10 (10 July 2016)

Bram Stoker's Dracula opens with Gary Oldman's titular warrior about to fight for his homeland against the Turkish invaders - wearing a ridiculously fake set of red plastic armour. They had plastic in the 15th Century.
It doesn't get better.
His young bride does an Ophelia when receiving false news of his death, causing Drac to curse God and turn himself into a vampire by stabbing a stone cross and drinking the blood that issues forth. See Stoker page, er, um, ahhh. We get an early glimpse of Anthony Hopkins as a priest hiding behind a fake beard that makes him look like the Monty Python "IT's" man. Presumably his spirit is later re-incarnated as Van Helsing, or maybe Coppola was just taking the p*ss.
Speed forward (geddit?) 4 centuries and enter Keanu, who obviously hired Dick Van Dyke as his dialogue coach, surely one of the most ludicrous casting decisions in history - whoa! Garth from Wayne's World would have been better - turning up at Count Dracula's steam punk castle to flog him Carfax Abbey.
Enter old man Drac, looking like he's just stepped out of an Elton John video and mugging the camera for all he's worth. With Dick Van Harker and Queen Drac in full flow this plays more like Dracula Dead And Loving It. "Bloody Wolves" had me laughing out loud. Did Crappola - sorry Coppola just give up on Keanu's acting and stick the worst take he could find of him into every scene? Sure looks like it.
Cue Lucy and Mina giggling over Arabian Knights' porn - who does Lucy live with, by the way? In the novel it's her mum - here she seems to have set up a knocking shop on her own. The future vampire hunters are hilarious for all the wrong reasons. Yayy it's Withnail! Falling over a bear. You can read that scene in Stoker's book at page, er, um, ahhhh. "Oh, Quincey...it's sooooo big," etc. Contrary to some reviews Stoker is not revolving; he's resembling the Hadron Collider and opening up new frontiers of particle physics.
Harker is left to the mercy of the vampire women while Drac heads for Engurlund. His dress sense does not improve. The ship views are spliced in from the Shogun TV series.
Good old Keanu - he somehow fails to spot the 30ft long Fresco of his future missus on the floor of his prison. One of the vampires has earlier unbuttoned his trousers and bit him on the....you can read that in the novel on page, er, um, ahhhh. Next long shot has said trousers re-buttoned. Coppola you didn't care, did you? Vampires can move about in daytime, although their powers are reduced. See the end of this review for further info.
After Lucy Harlot's seduction by Drac, which includes a werewolf shag (see Stoker, page, er, um, ahhh.) we have a lot of stuff involving Lucy writhing around like a bad porn actress, getting a boob out occasionally and the expert Van Helsing called in. Van, played by Hopkins like an Old Perv on steroids, is soon camping it worse than Oldman; his Dutch accent isn't quite as bad as Keanu's English one, but it's getting there. His Humping of Quincy's leg can be found on page, er, um, ahhhh.....
Lucy vamps it up for about 1 minute of screen time before being staked and beheaded. No sense of spiritual redemption at all. Her dresses may have been lent to Drac for his personal use.
Then we get lots of B*ll*cks about hunting Drac, although he has been wooing Mina as well, by this time, having recognised the spirit of his dead beloved in her. This is pinched from Karloff's The Mummy.
Carfax Abbey is searched, a set so little it reminded me of Stonehenge in Spinal Tap. The actors searching out Drac's boxes look utterly hilarious.
"Look what your God has done to me" What? Stuck you in a Batman movie 20 years early?
There are some good bits - most notably our good Count suddenly transforming into a posse of rats, and the final chase is excitingly done. Remember vampires can move about in daylight. So why does Oldman stay in his box until exactly sunset? He pops out like a Jack in The Box.
Notice Keanu's ever-changing hair? A few grey hairs suddenly turn into Doc Brown from Back To The Future and then revert again. I had great entertainment watching for these sudden hair dye changes. Thumbs up, Francis. Anyway "Our work is done, hers is just beginning." Said work consists of impaling Drac a bit further and beheading him. Maybe she was supposed to spring clean the castle afterwards.
So Over the top it's frequently hilarious - it may follow Stoker's plot but all the tone and details are wrong - the director should have changed his name to Francis Ford Cobblers...