Blade Crawler

Rating: 2/10 (10 October 2017)

In 2017, Hollywood successfully clones a film from 1982. New features include enhanced eroticism, several powerful female characters and implanted shoutouts to the original. All that's missing is an emotion chip, and a fast-forward button.
The story is about who the lost replicant baby had grown up to be; this plot maguffin didn't appear until 28 minutes. That's 28 pages of script before there's any story at all, and that's about as suspenseful as 'The Sixth Sense'. Mostly it's CGI, models, green screen, all very fascinating, heavyhandedly recreating the atmosphere, but not the impact, of the original movie.
An hour and a half in, Harrison Ford appears, living in a sort of Star Trek TNG holodeck crossed with the Overlook Hotel from The Shining, then a man of 29 and a man of over 70 have a fist fight. Time begins to stand still. 1980's shoulderpads make a comeback. The climax is a cliché-packed replicant fight against rising flood water that goes on and on and on. And on. Like Cape Fear did, only that had thrills. Then somebody dies, eventually, on the snowy steps.
Harrison Ford is worth watching when he's on, so there's a mark out of 10. Ryan Gosling also masterfully conveys the severely limited emotional range of an android. He's a natural. But you miss Rutger Hauer.
Who's real? Who's a replicant? Who cares after TWO AND A QUARTER HOURS? Retro flying cars by Peugeot. Look out for this movie shown every Xmas for the next 40 years. Especially Xmas 2049.