Blade Runner 2049 is a Staggering Cinematic Achievement...

Rating: 10/10 (24 October 2017)

...and the only reason it's not a hit is because Millennials are either too stupid or not stoned enough to get it.
Blade Runner 2049 is basically the greatest movie of all time, better than Citizen Kane, 2001, The Matrix, and 9 1/2 Weeks combined. Speaking of The Matrix, regardless of how poorly 2049 performs at the box office, it will soon be looked upon with the same reverence as that movie engenders. Except it's better. Way better. And you people who don't understand it or don't have the attention span or patience for it are complete idiots. I mean, to not appreciate the stunning photography and layered, philosophical storytelling means you likely have your heads so far up your ill-informed butts that you probably have crusty fecal matter covering your thick, rectal-dwelling craniums. To have anything less than a stunned wonder and mind-blown reaction to Director Denis Villeneuve's masterpiece of futuristic bleakness and post-apocalyptic beauty means you're probably a giant ignoramus or complete and total knob job.
As worthy a sequel that's ever been committed to celluloid, the film stands alone as likely the greatest achievement in a medium and industry that doesn't even deserve to have it as a moving artwork to be judged, reviewed, or worse — casually dismissed as being (whine! whine!) almost three hours long. Waaaahhhhh! THIS is a fully realized vision of a near future so brilliantly complex and persuasively shot that you'll be crapping your pants in the theater, and holding your breath through every meticulously realized landscape and lovingly crafted set piece, you giant tools.
And seriously, has anyone ever worn a cooler jacket than Ryan Gosling's Joe? It makes Steve McQueen's jacket from The Great Escape look like a preppy Member's Only circa 1983, it's like if Mad Max went to T.J. Maxx and found the most bad-ass jacket from 2020, got it all weathered and worn looking during the entire Black Out of 2022, and then waited.
One of the main reasons this movie won't be a financial success is that audiences don't seem to like movies that are close to three hours long. You know what? Screw you! I know for a fact you've binge watched Netflix shows like, nine hours in a row. You can sit through two hours and forty-six minutes of sheer story brilliance, subtle pacing, and seamlessly integrated special effects portraying a terrifyingly prescient near future of such compelling intimacy and epic sci-fi scope that you're a giant festering d-bag for even thinking it's anything less than the best movie man ever created.
Amazingly, it achieves all this with the handicap of presenting a leading actor that's so goddamned handsome it takes you out of the detailed world and thought-provoking story to make you question if you're actually gay. And if you already are gay, it makes you wonder if you're REALLY happy with your current partner and wouldn't rather spend every waking hour in the movie theater watching Blade Runner 2049 as much as possible before the theater chain owners decide to prematurely pull this masterpiece from the complex to make room for Daddy's Home 2. Are you kidding me? That's what's replacing Blade Runner 2049? I hate humanity. We will totally deserve what happens to us as portrayed in Blade Runner 2049.
Alas, I could feel a sense of a certain fanboy surrounding me in the theater. An element of the crowd that saw congested, ethnically diverse future Los Angeles not as humanity's common will to survive man-made disasters and to use technology to counter the sheer hopelessness of a bleak existence, but as proof that, "see — this is what happens when everyone doesn't speak American or we let in too many immigrants." This dread only increased as it seemed a lot of the bad guys were black, or women,and when women were being hurt or killed I felt a strange sense of satisfaction wafting over the seats from the two guys behind me who I'm quite certain have never actually been laid. My suspicions were confirmed later, when the scenes of Gosling's virtual girlfriend Joi began to play out. Yes, she's very hot. So hot, that the definitely never-been-laid jack-hole sitting behind me laughed and uttered, "Damn, I'd hit that." And I wasn't quite sure if he meant in a gross, somewhat sexual way or just in a domestic violence, masking his deep-rooted hatred of women and acting out on feelings of inadequacy kind of way. I figured it was both, and not only did it creep me out, but it took me away from pondering the larger questions of what is real, what is human, and what is the meaning of existence?
So much to unpack; I mean Harrison Ford's down but not out DECKARD! Jared Leto doing creepy Jared Leto things! Luv kicking ass! The return of Rachel! Edward James Olmos making more origami, standing and delivering as Gaff again! Although technically I think he may have been sitting and delivering-- still a great performance. A lot of other really amazing things happened, but honestly my mind was kind of wandering because of how awesome it all was and how stupid I realized the people who watched this and didn't like, understand, or tolerate the nearly three hour run time were. It made me so mad it almost ruined my high. That's also why I probably don't remember a lot of what happened.
Anyhow, go see this movie in the theater now before it's too late. And remember, you heard it here first; Blade Runner 2049 will be remembered as the greatest movie ever made that didn't live up to somewhat rosy box office projections for a sequel to a thirty-year old movie that was shot and made with such craft, care, and technical precision that you insipid clowns totally don't appreciate or deserve.