What can be more human than human? Duh?

Rating: 4/10 (7 January 2005)

There's a place in Milton Keynes called 'Blade Runners' and it's an ice skating rink. I really like going there because the changing rooms don't have doors on them and I sometimes wander in and pretend to be from the Ukraine. Of course I'd only wander into the ladies changing room and stay there pretending to be confused until some of the staff came and led me out. Well, I used to do that. Last time I tried it there actually was a girl from the Ukraine, who I think used to be army special forces or something.
Anyway, when I get discharged from hospital the doctors tell me to take it easy for a few days, until the swelling has gone down so I ask my mum to hire out a DVD from the shop for me. But rather than hiring out the film I told her to she decides to ask advice from the old guy Henry who works there. He's had something against me ever since Rufus got stuck down the back of the freezer and destroyed all that ice cream. So Henry being the 'expert' on films that he is tells mum to hire out 'Blade Runner' by Ridley Scott telling her that it's a 'classic'.
Thanks mum! That's not insensitive after what I've been put through! All the horrible memories of the unprovoked attack and the police caution came flooding back when I saw the title of the film. Besides, how many times have I told her to not believe anything Henry says? Especially when he starts by saying "The police came to the shop last night asking about your son" In 'Blade Runner' Harrison Ford plays Rick Deckard, a man who hunts down robots for a job. That sounds easy doesn't it? Well it's not because these 'replicants' look like people, and he has to use an old projector or something to read their minds, somehow. It seems to take AGES so why not do this instead: Rick Deckard: "Hi. How are you? Would you like a drink of water?" Replicant: "No thanks, I'm not thirsty." Rick Deckard: "That's right! Only humans can get thirsty! Die robot!!" BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! That's much easier than some stupid test and he could kill far more robots that way. His boss would be really pleased I'm sure. I mean, if Rick Deckard sold cars and in one day he sold seven, but there were only four in the shop his boss would be really pleased, just like if there were only four replicants on the loose and Deckard managed to kill eleven.
And whilst we're on the subject of robots looking like people, wouldn't it be easier to make them look a little different? Couldn't they, I dunno, look like George Hamilton or something? That way there'd be no need for the test I just made up and anyone who looked like George Hamilton would be shot. Obviously George Hamilton would have to have plastic surgery to look like someone else, maybe George Lucas. That way when people shouted "Hey George!" he'd know that they were talking to him and look round. If he looked like Bob Hoskins and people shouted "Hey Bob!" he might get confused.
Also, if I brought a robot and it only worked for four years I'd be pretty annoyed. I'll bet they have a program in the future like "Watchdog" over here in the UK. They'd soon have Tyrell on there going on and on about how he was selling robots that only worked for 4 years. If they had him on 'Watchdog' I bet Nicky Campbell would make insulting comments about Tyrell's glasses because they are kind of stupid looking. Surely though another company would make robots that worked for 10 years or something, or until their hair went out of fashion, and then beat the Tyrell Corporation at their own game. And what's with the whole "more human than human" thing anyway? That's a moronic motto. How about "sexy robots that put out"? That'd be a better motto, or maybe "Tyrell don't smell, are bots are hot and we make 'em like George whether you like it or not!" That's decent marketing and in the form of a rap as well to appeal to kids and gangsta's.
After watching this film I can't wait for the future, but I don't think it's a classic, not like the excellent 'Battlefield Earth' or a film I wrote last night. There should have been more emphasis on what pleasure robots like Daryl Hannah get up to and maybe some steamy scenes in a women's changing room. Of course if Henry hadn't offered his 'expert' opinion then those are some of the scenes I could have expected in 'The Erotic Witch Project'.
Neonsamurai Film Score: AAB