Painful

Rating: 1/10 (17 April 2018)

Blade is back in this much gorier and CGI-ier sequel. It's more of the same garbage, but with a pinch of dog excrement added.
If the pansy vampires from the first weren't bad enough, we now have "Reapers", mutants who feed on blood suckers. And since this is H.P. Lovecra...uh, Guillermo Del Toro, it needs to be as disgusting as possible (at least he didn't include his fish fetish), with the reaper's jaws breaking open, revealing a leech-looking tongue.
The vampires seek out Blade to help them exterminate the Reapers. This time, Blade has a new, marijuana smoking sidekick, a resurrected Whistler and the "Blood Pack (tm)" to help him kill the new monsters in the goriest ways possible.
The whole movie is like a nightmare, and not in a good, classic horror movie way. It's hard to describe, but imagine if your uncle Larry decided to travel to hell and when he came back, he wanted to show you his vacation movie. Everyone is a foul-mouthed sadist in this movie. Everything looks and feels disgusting.
We're so lucky we even get to see our "heroes" dissect one of the "Reapers". Why? Because Troy McClur...sorry, Del Toro, wants to shove disgusting things in your face. If you watch the behind-the-scenes feature, it's revealed that they used sex toys and fake semen to make the Reaper's innards. That should tell you something about the quality of the movie. There's also a strange scene at a vampire night club, where a woman's back is cut open and the spine is exposed. What's the point?
The twist near the end, where Blade's new kid sidekick is revealed to be a traitor is so stupid and illogical I almost laugh when I think about it. Earlier in the movie, it's revealed that Blade saved the stoner from two vampire girls (yet another excuse to add vulgarity). He "planned it all along". Yeah, right. How does that even work? "Plan A: Rip my intestines out of my body. Then, Blade will show up and save me. He'll probably kill you two, and I'll quite possibly die myself. Plan B: ...wait, there's no plan B? Who wrote this plan, David S. Goyer?"
The fight between Blade and the main reaper Nomak is like watching someone else play Mortal Kombat on Playstation 2. I'm don't expect realistic physics in a comic book movie, but at times Blade looks like he's a big-headed, rubber puppet bouncing on a string. When the movie finally ends (at a peep show, where else?), the words of the tragic villain Nomak echoes through my mind: "it...it hurts no more!"
There's no beauty in Blade 2. There's no goodness or truth. I'm not sure if it deserves to be called a movie. It's a waste of time, money and film. Like its predecessor, it's just meaningless garbage. Save your time and watch/read something better.
(Del Toro ripped off his own movie in Hellboy. I'm talking about the sewer battle. How lazy!)