Wesley Snipes returns to let the world know that Demolition Man was not the last ridiculously awful movie that he planned to make in his career, which seems to be headed precipitously downhill.

Rating: 3/10 (15 October 2000)

There's nothing worse that a well-known film actor or actress can do than star in a film where they deliberately and obviously alter their voice. Wesley Snipes not only does this (terribly) in Blade, but he also wears false teeth and BROWN colored contact lenses. Are his eyes just not the right shade of brown? They had to be changed? And what was the deal with the teeth? There was never a single shot in the film in which he had fangs. Besides that, listening to Wesley Snipes talk like he's trying to scare a six-year-old kid gets real old real fast, and some of his lines were so pseudo-tough guy that they ruined the movie nearly single-handed, for the same reason that the idiotic Pitch Black was ruined (`There are worse things out tonight than vampires.' `Like what?' `Like me.'). Way to go, Wesley. That was so impressive that for a second I was almost fully awake. The kind of awful acting that this movie is full of belongs in cheesy action B-movies.
I have barely even begun, and it's bad enough with just what I have mentioned so far, without having to watch the laughable efforts of Blade and his goofy female sidekick to periodically pop each other's shoulders back into their sockets (`It's dislocated!' POP!!! `Ahh, better.' Are you kidding me?). I won't mention the fact that when Blade popped hers back into her socket after having casually tossed her from rooftop to rooftop, he actually YANKED on her arm. Excuse me, Dr. Blade, but don't you think you ought to apply pressure in the other direction? This may seem trivial, and I'll admit that it is, but keep in mind that it is a pure example of sheer stupidity, and I have an extremely low tolerance for stupidity in movies. These kinds of things about Blade make it clear that it is pulled along entirely by the special effects and the star power of Wesley Snipes as an action film hero. Besides, he looked cool, didn't he? I sure as hell wouldn't mess with a man that big dressed like that, but don't you think that if a huge, tattooed black man wearing a trenchcoat, a bullet-proof vest and carrying a sword were to smack a police officer's head against the trunk of his own car on a crowded street in broad daylight, at least one or two passers-by would notice? That would qualify as suspicious behavior, in my opinion.

There were so many things thrown into this movie for no apparent reason other than to hold the audience's attention that it really took away from the movie as a whole. For example, what was this globular, vampire version of Jabba the Hutt? Where did he come from? How did he get like that? All other vampires were in human form, and this guy hardly even resembled a human at all. Was there some reason that he was so tremendously fat? It's amazing he was alive at all. Granted, I don't expect his life story. Frankly, I'd rather not hear it. But there was obviously no other reason for him to be in the movie other than to stimulate the gag response from unsuspecting audiences. But that's not all, remember what Blade said to Karen (his goofy female sidekick) as he went to check the nearby vault door? He said, referring to the use of the UV ray gun with which she had been roasting his vampire skin, `If he moves, fry him.' Where the hell is he going to go, Blade?! He can hardly move!! What's he gonna do, run away? If he stood up he'd probably crush himself with his own weight.

Am I being too hard on this movie? Good, because this is what it deserves. I'll admit that it had a few redeeming qualities (by `a few,' by the way, I mean more than one but less than four). For example, it was cool how Blade exploded the two martial artists by the elevators by the hallway, and the BLOODBATH sign at the rave in the beginning was also pretty good. Aside from these minute moments of forced entertainment, everything about the film was terrible. The `climactic' fight scene between Blade and Frost was like watching a little white kid in a fight against a huge black bodybuilder, resulting in the utter absence of any excitement whatsoever. How about that Blood God? Was he to convert the whole planet into vampires (`Anyone caught in his path will be instantly turned')? You'd think that if this vampire community had thought ahead at least a little bit, they'd realize that maybe it would be better if they tried to MINIMIZE the number of humans turned into vampires, because the more vampires, the less humans. And the less humans, the less FOOD. Thus, in taking over the world, they would inadvertently and idiotically bring about their own starvation and extinction. That's just another example of the stupidity with which Blade is filled.
And of course, they couldn't have left out Blade in some other country (the bitter cold of Russia) speaking in Russian to a vampire in Moscow. How nice. What a tough guy. He killed all the vampires in the U.S. so now he's going global. What a piece of garbage this movie was. Granted, you probably won't be extremely bored throughout the entire movie (even though I was), but keep in mind that this is the type of film that you really have to try hard to enjoy, particularly if you are no longer in junior high school. This is a brainless, pointless movie, with little to no forethought put into it, and the end result is pathetic.