A surprisingly honest account of command incompetence and a group of insurgents who had a dream.

Rating: 4/10 (13 March 2007)

Welcome to sunny Somalia. This commonwealth friendly has just reached boiling point. The two sides using the freshly downed star chopper the fans have nicknamed the Black Hawk - just signed for a whopping one-thousand million times the labour costs of the Nike trainers on his feet - in what has become, essentially, a game of capture the flag. In a show of strong determination, the underdogs ignore the fancy wrappings and focus on the soft and juicy centre. There'll be no swooping crossfire in the box, today. They've got possession of the ball. Things are looking very grim.
The international team launch a brave rodent offensive, only to be impeded by fifty scores of energised defenders. Another chopping striker is viciously slammed into the turf. With an eye on the clock, the management assesses the risks of putting more men on the field. Benched substitutes, seeking veneration, slink under the stewards and hop onto the field. There are no referees in sight.
This injection of testosterone certainly evens the field and brightens the outlook. Bad bodies fly from windows and rooftops as the home-team's arsenal is shelled from ineffectually picking off cans with their Soviet, Cold-War peashooters to desperately rushing the hail with modest Paleolithic cudgels.
The claxon sounds and it's clear that the favourites have shaken this arena to its foundations. The streets are silent; home fans hang their heads in defeat as their departed heroes rest their heads on their feet. The wind picks up weak sobbing, but hey, there's someone celebrating somewhere! The away team's heroic play is rewarded with a trip back to civilisation. Even the five or six international casualties will be carried on high, down their home streets, tonight. Their patriotic efforts fondly remembered in the years to come. Even by those who must be kicking themselves that they weren't here to taste this victory for themselves.