An Oscar-winning boy's wet dream

Rating: 3/10 (18 April 2015)

I guess there should be a rule that forbids people to review movies out of personal spite and rage. But, luckily for me, there's no such rule, and nothing will stop me from saying everything that i think 'Big Hero 6' deserves, just like nothing stopped it from brain-raping me earlier.
Where to begin... Honestly, i wanted to enjoy this film. I had almost no idea what it was about, so i thought that maybe there was a reason why it got that Oscar and my beloved 'Lego Movie', "the shallow self-endorsing postmodernist junk" as they called it, wasn't even nominated. I held no personal grudge, even though i read those interviews with the Academy people who vote for the best animation, in which they admit that they select the picture based on what their kids liked the most. I threw it all aside, wanting and expecting to receive something fresh, something that would really stand out and prove that it deserves all that praise it received.
Well, i guess the year 2014 simply wasn't destined to make my animation-related dreams come true. First they botched the 'How to Train Your Dragon' franchise, and now this...
You know, my girlfriend has a nephew, a 10 year old kid. This little fellow simply adores the comic book movies. First his favorite hero was Spider-man. He had a Spider-man costume, all the possible Spider-man toys, even a Spider-man shampoo. Then at some point he kinda switched to Iron Man, and now that dude seems to be his favorite. Well, don't know who he switches to next, but what i do know is that he could've easily written this movie's script by simply writing down any of his dreams.
Seriously, everything in 'Big Hero 6' is secondary, as if all the most popular animation and comic book movies blended together in one glossy banging mess. An awkward harmless robot with a bit of a WALL-E in it (the best part), who later becomes a puffy martial artist like Kung-Fu Panda, then gets seriously upgraded like Iron Man, while our main character, with only his aunt to look after him, kinda like in Spider-man, keeps inventing stuff like that dude from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, learns to fly the robot like that dude from How To Train Your Dragon, while his posse gets all powered up like Fantastic 4, and all this to oppose the evil masked guy who mentally controls matter like "that dude" from X-Men. And did i mention that one of the posse members has those plasma blades like the Protoss infantry units from Starcraft?.. Ugh, i wanna vomit already, can anyone give me a plastic bag? Preferably 100% recycled, to perfectly match this movie.
In Russian, when we wanna say that someone's joke is old, we call it "beardy". Beardy is how one could call this movie's attempt to make passing gases look funny. But when the gas passing moments are the only jokes you have to offer, it's even worse. In such cases we could say "if you shaved your joke, you could slide it under the door". You know what i mean.
So, if we shave all the action boom-boom stuff from 'Big Hero 6', it falls (un)surprisingly flat. The main character, Hiro, living in some weird fusion of two coolest cities of US and Japan, is a troublesome little prodigy who's so brilliant that he creates a groundbreaking piece of technology in his garage as if it was some school science fair project, yet he fails to see the most obvious logical connections between the events that happen afterwards. His posse, a group of so called geniuses, who are in fact just zero-dimensional muppets with only a single trait of character and who never go beyond that prescribed agenda. The villain, the biggest collection of clichés one could come up with, almost forcedly placed in the right place and at the right time to create something remotely resembling a conflict. And all this - to deliver what message exactly? That friends = good, killing people = bad, even when people = bad too? Give me a break!
Some say that all this stuff is forgivable because 'Big Hero 6' is a kid's movie. Well, kids can love it all they want, i don't care. Because kids also like ripping wings off flies and burning ants with a magnifying glass, and it doesn't make those activities any cooler. So i really hope that at some point in the future (hopefully sooner than later, but i'm not too optimistic about it) the animation business bosses wake up and realize how full of sh!t they have become making all that cheap generic stuff nobody will care about once it stops moving and screaming. And if that really happens - i only wish they feel shame, for putting monetary gain over the artistic value, bangs over substance and for diminishing animation to its technical core - just a sequence of moving frames. Because that's what 'Big Hero 6' really is. Just a mindless, senseless, soulless sequence of frames.