Seriously Flawed Retelling

Rating: 5/10 (7 August 2008)

I knew I wasn't going to like this when they showed Hrothgar as a doddering, drunken fool. The poem is pretty clear that he's lost is manhood to the ravages of time, not to the drink. Also, the flyting between Unferth and Beowulf was pretty lame, and there is nothing, NOTHING in the original to suggest that Unferth would try to stab Beowulf in the hall.
Though I can appreciate the well-placed candles, smoke, and sword hilt in the Heorot fight scene. Beowulf's wang is not something I ever wanted to see, and some guy stabbing away at Grendel's junk isn't either. In fact, there are a lot of dick references here (candle, sword hilt, third leg, golden horn, thrusting Hrunting into Grendel's mother...with which he "laid" her in her grave), and I'm not entirely convinced there's a good reason for it.
If Beowulf stands for strength and power as he says in his little tag line, then why is it Beowulf's craft that tears the arm from Grendel (using a chain and the door) rather than his own brute strength is in the poem. You can argue all you want that this is a re-imagining of the poem, and I agree. I actually LIKE the Grendel's mother-as-sexy-dragon plot line because it unifies the movie in a way that the poem never could. But some of the choices I just find ridiculous. The movie tries to tie too much of it together: writing in a past between Hrothgar and Grendel's mother in order to explain away the father figure is too clean. But I have to admit, I did gain an appreciation for what the character of Beowulf must have felt the night that Grendel's mother attacks: "WTF, Hrothgar? Anything else you want to tell me about before I save your ass again? Is she made of rainbows and lollipops and guarded by unicorns? Does she have machine-gun jomblies? Is she really hot? Does she wear high heels and strategically-placed gold lamé?" These are important things to know before fighting Angelina Jolie.