Beowulf Suckage listings

Rating: 1/10 (16 January 2008)

I was overjoyed when I saw "Beowulf" commercials, but I was thoroughly disappointed upon seeing the film. I was hoping for a classy telling of the famous tale of Beowulf, but I was thrown into a pit of horrors known as Angelina Jolie. I found major flaws in the movie that did not tell the story even slightly like the original epic. Beowulf previously had relations with Hrothgar. He was an old friend. Hrothgar in the movie had a child with Grendel's mother (Grendel) and Beowulf had a child with her as well (Dragon) Grendel's mom is not a seductress fish-woman. Grendel's Mother was, like Grendel, a hulking troll-esquire monster, filled with rage when she learned that Beowulf had dismembered her son. In the actual story Beowulf slew Grendel by removing his arm and sending him home to his swamp where he died in his mothers arms, which angered Grendel's mother and thus lured Beowulf to the swamp. At the swamp Beowulf confronted Grendel's mother, slaying her. However, in the movie, "Golden-Jolie" melted Hrunting (His sword) into molten mercury using her "Sexiness lazors" within seconds and having babies with her. Beowulf was depicted as a lying, showboating jerk and all around unlikable. In the movie almost half of his actions we're ill intentioned or to that effect. Hrothgar in the story was a mighty king lesser than Beowulf, but still a mighty king. He was depicted as a hedonistic old lay about. In the story Grendel was a huge, Muscular and terrifying monster similar to a troll, ogre or some sort of giant. In the movie he was the half-troll son of Hrothgar and Grendel's mother in actuality he was just a plaguing monstrosity inhabiting the area along with his mother. There were other flaws in the movie: Christianity for one had most likely not been introduced to the Norwegian area during this era and was pushed as a toy for Christians who might have come to see the movie. The characters were referring to Christianity throughout the movie, as if they had changed religions on the spot. I challenge you to find the remnants of a Christian church around 300.AD Norway. In the movie the dragon was a Shape Shifting Wyvern, who was the son of Beowulf. In the Poem the Dragon was a monstrous Landwyrm that attacked Beowulf's men, Beowulf slew the beast not using a "Magical neck heart" but just chopping it's head off. The dragon in the movie was a half-demon half-human hybrid from Beowulf and Grendel's mother. He apparently can shape shift from human made of gold to a once again golden WYVERN. In Norse mythology the dragons depicted in mythology were Landwyrms, these dragons were corrupted humans from greed and other such sins and did not have wings, looked like lizards, and were more demon than human. Finally, The golden Drinking horn, it was not even mentioned in the Poem, Beowulf was offered a mass of various riches by Hrothgar not a Mysterious horn. Of the many movies and representations of mythological stories and tales, this one is by far the worst ever conceived. Pretty much the whole story was off.