Go see the other movie.

Rating: 2/10 (1 December 2007)

You probably know a few things about Beowulf  firstly, that it is based on an Anglo-Saxon epic and involves monster-slaying, mead-drinking and a hero who lusts for power; secondly, that the movie is 'performance capture' animated, and is available in 3-D; and finally, that it features a stiletto-heeled, lizard-tailed, mostly naked Angelina Jolie, looking better than she has in years. All correct.
There are a few things, however, that you SHOULD know. Above all, the movie is terrible. My two major gripes are the animation and the script.
The animation leaves the characters lifeless, occasionally cross-eyed (what happened to Robin Wright Penn?) and often out of proportion, destroying any compelling reason that there may have been to FEEL for the hero or the others; they are simply too far removed from any notion of humanity to engage you or suspend your disbelief. Pixar has shown us that animation need not remove a human element from cinema, even when dealing with monsters, bugs and superheroes - and films like 'A Scanner Darkly' have animated actors without destroying their energy or nuance. This is a poor effort. As far as the 'technique' goes, anyone that has seen 'Final Fantasy' or has played a video game like 'God of War' will hardly be impressed by the novelty, and there are plenty of proficient animation and gaming studios in the entertainment industry that have developed better fare.
The script is appalling, lacking in both depth and variety and no doubt contributing to the lifelessness of the characters. Most of the movie is delivered in a monotone of ye-olde inspired whispers and growls, and none of the characters appear to care about each other at all, judging by their dialogue. There is no subtext whatsoever. There is absolutely nothing to suggest that Unferth (John Malkovich) has a private motivation, or is actually thinking about anything at all when he throws a menacing stare at the camera; there is nothing given to the audience beyond 'too many secrets' to suggest Wealthow's (Robin Wright Penn's) furrowed brow conceals either a troubled heart or a brain; and for all reviewers have harped on about the script being camp and/or kitsch and/or satirical, I could not think of a single moment to validate any of the three interpretations, save for Angelina Jolie's stilettos, which are clearly absurd (and gave my packed out theatre it's only laugh for the whole two hour runtime). It's all truly woeful, not to mention boring.
Look, I don't always go to the cinema and expect to see a masterpiece. I went to this movie because Angelina gets naked and I was promised plenty of blood, guts and excitement. I got nothing, apart from Angelina, and a little violence. On a parting note, the 3-D adds absolutely nothing to the experience; as far as I am concerned, it is a pitiful gimmick and will hopefully die quickly before too many film makers latch on to the idea.
I could not possibly recommend this movie to anyone, particularly if you enjoy movies or have played an action-adventure video-game in the last four years. Do yourself a favour, and see something else. Two stars  one for Mrs. Jolie, and the other for a briefly convincing scene between Hopkins and Winstone. That's it.