A mildly amusing mix of "Shrek", "300" and computer-games

Rating: 5/10 (13 November 2007)

Take a thousand year old heroic subject matter, spice it up with a dose of modern" morals such as men's only weakness is women" , add a few females according to type  e.g. saints and whores  and shoot this script as a CGI-mix of Shrek", 300" and popular computer-games: The result is Robert Zemecki's version of Beowulf". Works alright, the flick, as long as you don't take it seriously. However, whenever the Shrek"-Elements dominate the scene, the film runs into problems. Queen Wealtheow for instance fatally resembles the green Oger's mom. Besides, almost all Characters have a squint that would make Christopher Lambert at his best look good. Wet hair is still a problem of computer-graphics, too. Otherwise, the film is technically well made and gives you an idea how far Ralph Bakshi might have gone with his concept of graphically alienated live-action.
Still, over long stretches the motion-capture-technique is too reminiscent of computer-games to be convincing, and thus one is left with the question which audience this film is aimed at. Gaming kiddies can't watch it because all the ripping and tearing is far too bloody; adult Lord-of-the-Rings-fans will miss the depth of the original poem, despite some nice touches in the script  such as King Hrothgar talking of Scops" or giving out rings to his thanes in the initial sequence, or Grendel and his mother seeming to talk Anglo-Saxonish. The linguistic climax of the movie is elsewhere, anyway: King Hrothgar, embodied (well, sort of) by Anthony Hopkins, telling his followers that Beowulf killed the monster and laid his mother... in her grave". How do you translate that for synchronized versions? This sequence gets to the heart of the difference of plot between the script and the heroic poem, i.e. the introduction of the eternal female temptation as motif for the hero's curse. Not a bad idea, really, especially in view of the traditional sword-penis-symbolism that is being exploited thoroughly in this film. Unfortunately, the way they put the idea on screen is cheesy to say the least. Thus Angelina Jolie's computerized curves seem designed to lure the average movie-goer, male, mid-twenties, meager intellect (is that according to statistics?). The hero Beowulf (one can't speak of actors or characters in this film) is modeled on the Gladiator but lacks his character; the monster is a crossbreed of Ent and skinned Gollum; the jokes are laconic (example: "How is your father?  Dead."). Amusing  and once in a while appealing in a darkly beautiful manner, especially when a whiff of northern Epic or landscape transcends the CGI. In these moments one gets an inkling of what might have been done with this script. Even the final fight with the dragon is impressive. But why does the dragon have a heart, small as a cow's? Why does the coast-guard sit in front of his fire in the pouring rain? And why does the final, unbearably long shot have to be so unbearably kitsch? Shame, really. You can either have grim realism, or you can have exaggerated, bad-taste fantasy. Try to amalgamate both, and the thing falls apart.