Be gone, oh rotten movie! Hollowman and Alien vs. Predator! - you have company.

Rating: 1/10 (30 November 2007)

Remember when your English teacher in high school or college told the class that one of their assignments was to read Beowulf? Not exactly the most popular work of literature. Really, how many people out there actually had, or have, any interest in reading Beowulf? Be honest. It would not be unreasonable to say that Beowulf is not on the list of the world's most popular literary works. Yet Hollywood, in its infinite quest for profit, decided that this is the kind of story that can be transposed onto the big screen and that there is an audience for this kind of story, with its heroes and villains and monsters and ... well you get the point. So Hollywood concocted this movie, part science fiction, part science fantasy, part epic and COMPLETE JUNK. Welcome to the world of special effects. After watching this movie, one can reasonably ask: Why have actors? Why not just special effects and who cares about the story? If the story is idiotic ... who cares? Just throw in some special effects. If the dialog is laughable? Who cares? That can be cured with special effects. If the plot is ridiculous, again, who cares? Special effects can do the trick. There are scenes in this movie that provoke outright laughter. If this movie accurately portrays the level of civilization in Europe circa 6th century A.D., then it is a miracle that people actually survived. If you believe this movie, then the people, particularly the men, were actually uglier than the monsters, except, of course, for Beowulf who, of course, is an Adonis while all the other guys are a bunch of overweight gin-guzzling jerks or skinny sniveling dorks who are too stupid to do anything except let themselves be kicked around or sacrificed for the hero, who, of course, has sex with beautiful women. This raises another point: In the 6th century why are the men so ugly while the women are so beautiful? It's like their two different species, with the men being like links between Cro-Magnon and Neanderthal Man (except of course for Beowulf who is perfection personified - duh!) and the women being more like a bunch of giggling Aphrodites than poverty-stricken 6th century females just trying to survive. (I wonder what kind of odors women emitted in the 6th century? After all, bathing was not one of their priorities.) What about the female of females in the movie, the super-Monster, who is also a mother, yes, A MOTHER, played, surprise, surprise, by Angelina Jolie! Some super-monster! There are mothers and there are MOTHERS and Ms. Jolie plays A MOTHER!!! If Ms. Jolie's mother character is supposed to be a monster, than bring her on because any monster that looks like the beautiful and talented Angelina Jolie is the kind of monster that one should have at home, or at work, or wherever. One other point: There are parts of this movie where certain characters speak a language that be best described as gibberish. It would have been helpful if those parts of the movie had included subtitles. Then again, maybe the entire script should have been in gibberish. As a matter of fact, this movie would have been far more interesting if the entire script had been written in Old English - without subtitles. Why have Beowulf speaking fluent English? Why have Beowulf speaking at all? What it comes down to is this: this movie is pretentious junk that tries to be part Hamlet, part Troy, and even part Alexander (the latter two not the greatest movies but light years better than this waste of celluloid) but actually is a hyped-up pseudo-cartoon version of a medieval story that probably no person has read in its entirety in maybe a thousand years but which someone in Hollywood believed could be transformed into something that today's contemporary audience would buy, meaning (must it be said? Yes!) - SPECIAL EFFECTS!!!! - and in 3D!!!! Hollywood made 3D movies in the 1950s - for kids and back then the movies cost a quarter and nobody made any big deal about it. Now 3D is supposed to be something special. Yeah, right. Leave Beowulf in the the book where he belongs so that the lone person who decides to actually read the book can use their imagination to visualize the story instead of having to rely on Hollywood's version - which is crass, banal and guided not by the quest for artistic excellence but by the quest for the almighty buck.
This movie is so bad that it makes Phantom of the Opera (movie version) seem like a 10-star classic. You can take special effects just so far, but special effects cannot replace a story, no way. This movie is about phantasmagorical events revolving around themes such as heroism, selflessness and other high personal virtues. Okay, but the movie approaches these themes by catering to the lowest common denominator of intelligence to dramatize these points. If Beowulf is the best example of English literature from the Middle Ages, then the middle ages were the dark ages indeed.
Now here's an idea: Why not take Godzilla, King Kong, Rodan, Mothra, the Giant Mantis, the Predator (with the infra-red vision and the a-bomb strapped to its arm)and the T-Rex from Jurassic Park and put them on an island with Beowulf and see what happens? All special effects. NO STORY NECESSARY.
Anthony Hopkins's presence in this movie is a travesty, a joke. It's not his fault. It's a gig and a paycheck, and he didn't create the role, he just acts it. But to have this fine actor going about half-naked would have been like Hamlet going about with his pants down while engaged in a soliloquy. Please, be gone, oh rotten movie, go to DVD-land with all the other forgettable rejects.