Dull and stupid when it isn't just unnecessarily disgusting, Beowulf is a puerile and aimless film without an audience nor much of a brain.

Rating: 5/10 (14 April 2010)

I think amidst the corny script; odd looking human-being/CGI animated character processing and daft action sequences, the makers of Beowulf had most fun rendering and toying with Angelina Jolie's semi-naked body as she slithers out of a pool of water in some cave half way through the film. They had more fun rendering it and patching stuff over what I presume to have been a green-screen suited Jolie than I did watching it – like Halle Berry's weaving; swaying; slinking; decked up like a fetishists wet-dream Catwoman from a 2004 film of the same name, the most remarkable thing about the whole sequence is the sense of just not caring what it is that's being presented to you on screen, despite the promise on paper of something slightly eye-catching. Such is the reaction to the text, or indeed the particular bringing to life of the text, that the people making it had a better time in making and messing around with it than we did watching it.
Robert Zemeckis can often be a curious director, his blending of content fit for both grown-ups and kids alike have seen him take on an array of past projects; ranging from the typically noir-infused shenanigans of 1988's Who Framed Roger Rabbit? which blended this with the persistent inclusion of cartoon characters; to the romp that was 1985's Back to the Future, yes, a somewhat child orientated time travel romp about a high-schooler, but one that saw a younger edition of the lead's mother fall in love with him: a premise, I read, deemed too risqué by Disney at the time whom promptly rejected the project. This, as well as 1994's Forrest Gump; a film that shoots along at a merry old pace under a grandeur of sweet natured comedy but taking time to encompass some pretty adult orientated material – most of us saw said film when we were younger, but how many of us really understood or knew what was going on during Jenny's sequences of downward spiralling through drug addiction and all things nasty? But I like these three examples, and Zemeckis' direction in his ability to mould all these things together worked.
Then comes 2007's Beowulf, a film too adult most of the time for younger viewers in its scares; humour; imagery and sexual innuendo but just too adolescent at others for adults in its stupefying action sequences; bodily function orientated humour and general sense of childishness. Unlike past attempts at this hybridising, Zemeckis falls well short and by the time the credits ran, I just felt embarrassed for all involved. Based on a centuries old poem-come-story, but penned by way of Pulp Fiction co-writer Roger Avary, the film covers the exploits of Ray Winstone's Viking warrior Beowulf in the 6th Century, as a sort of one time mercenary whose skills are recognised enough so as to pass on into royalty. In Denmark, a drinking hall full of individuals led by Hrothgar (Hopkins) sing and display characteristics of lust, gluttony and greed as food is devoured; riches casually distributed and women rendered prizes as they're leered over. Enter twelve foot or so man/demon Grendel (Glover), who promptly massacres all involved before retiring to the cavern in which the aforementioned Jolie, his mother, resides. This raises the question as to whether his mother appears in front of him in the same form as she does to Winstone later on. If so, it's no wonder the kid's got issues.
In true pantomime fashion, "We need a hero!" is the cry. Cut to man of the hour and title Beowulf, standing nonchalantly on a boat in a terrible storm; those around him struggling to deal with the conditions; but Beowulf merely cackles at the wind and rain, establishing in a very basic manner a sense of masculinity and fearlessness. "I've come to kill yor' monsta'" so says Beowulf upon arrival, and the ensuing fight with Grendel is a would-be interesting sequence that brings you right out of the picture by persistently reminding you of the Austin Powers censoring sequence as naked individuals waltz around in a film that doesn't allow nudity. As the film rolls on, it wants to think that it has a fascinating and tense pot-boiler up its sleeve involving Beowulf and Grendel's mother after a meeting and agreement between the two, but the resulting suspense born out of this item that's gone on for years is about as enthralling as watching a CGI axe meekly splash down into a shallow puddle on a gravelly beach. Where the film ought to be tense and unnerving, it merely carries an uncanniness born out of observing these semi-CGI Vikings mope around in next to nothing on.
Throughout, since I'm nowhere near interested in what's going on, I wondered if other people in other nations around the world existed, and if they did, I wondered if they have too had any issues with monsters and beasties terrorising them. But in essentially aiming the film at a younger based audience, Neanderthal attitudes towards women and the general behaviour of most of the characters are made to look 'funny', as this filtering through crisp animation is played out in what is a rather disgusting; ill-advised and irresponsible display of film-making on Zemeckis' behalf. Shame, as intense and adult dramas such as Cast Away are not beyond the reach of the man; in the meantime I guess we'll have to settle for bizarre amalgamations designed to make money and con people into thinking they're seeing something more interesting than what it is by way of special effects and three dimensions.