Utterly Hilarious

Rating: 10/10 (17 November 2007)

Despite the numerous plot holes, extendable arms, a wife who's best friends with her husband's concubine, inexplicably deformed children, a king who is happily portrayed as a back-flipping midget and a dragon with a tiny heart in its throat which lay inches from gallons of molten lead, I found this movie 'curiously intimate' and sock filled with 'poignant humility'.
Initially, it confused me that Grendel attacked the humans for making so much noise, however in the process of shutting them up he seemed to make a lot of noise himself. Also he must of realized that the townsfolk would not stop 'merry-making', which begs the questions 1) Why did he still live in his mum's house when he was clearly above 30 2) why didn't he get a place in the country which was a little quieter and 3) at least bloody ear muffs. Finally I found his lack of genitals slightly disturbing.
Speaking of this shortage (get it, its 'cos he has no penis) his mother, the 'excruciatingly sexy siren' also seemed to be lacking in any sexual organs which was odd as BEOWULF clearly had sex with her, come to mention that we never saw BEOWULF's 'manhood' despite his baffling readiness to do pretty much everything naked.
Moving on to Wulfy, his character again seemed flawed because he was constantly lying about all his victories, which is stupid because we, the audience, just saw what actually happened and he was lying. He was a lying, immodest, selfish prick and frankly I didn't like him at all. The oddest bit of the whole film was when he chopped off his arm but he still could not reach his son's heart with the sword but seconds later he reached it with his bare hands. While on the subject of his son's anatomy, his heart was in a very vulnerable place and he looked like the silver surfer.
The best bits were obviously all the scenes involving Angelina Jolie, though the odd growths on her heels made her walk like a porn star but that's not a complaint. Also her erratic behavior truly represented the women in this film as she slept with the man whom she knew to have just frankly tortured her son through extensive cauliflowering of his ear. Also BEOWULF's wife was inexplicably distant from him in the later part of the film and became friends with a woman who she knew banging her husband. In addition why did BEOWULF's son have the features of Greek Adonis while Hopkin's had a son which should have been shot at birth. Also can I mention that the castle was not up to code in heath and safety standards, if there was at least a guard rail on that poorly placed gap in the wall then Anthony Hopkins would have not had such clumsy and flamboyant exit from the film. Also there were numerous, perhaps inadvertent, references to Zelda, 300, beast master and Conan the barbarian. In conclusion despite the disorientating plot errors I loved it and am going to go see it 3D.