Was there a reason I had to suffer for 112 minutes?

Rating: Null/10 (21 October 2002)

I'm not sure that BEING JOHN MALKOVICH is a bad movie. It may even be a brilliant movie, for all I can tell. What I am sure about is that BEING JOHN MALKOVICH is absolute torture to watch, in a way very few movies are. The ordinary bad movie feels like being hit over the head and robbed. The robber's motivation is easily understood. This movie is like being hit over the head and then left to bleed in the street. As you lie there you wonder, "Why did he do that? What did I ever do to him?" and you don't know the answer, but you know for damn sure that your head hurts.
Here there be spoilers. If the description above makes the movie sound too good to miss, don't keep reading.
BEING JOHN MALKOVICH is mostly about an unsuccessful puppeteer, Craig Schwartz, who discovers a magical secret passage which allows him to see out of the eyes of actor John Malkovich. Schwartz eventually learns to use this passage to actually take control of Malkovich's entire body, reducing him to a human puppet. Schwartz uses this ability to betray his wife and score with his fellow office worker, Maxine, who has not the slightest interest in him or his art, but who is instantly aroused by money and the ability to manipulate people.
Where to begin? Craig Schwartz and Maxine are among the most appalling human beings I have ever seen. I can't begin to imagine what Schwartz finds even attractive in Maxine, never mind lovable. His wife Lotte is stupid, yes, but at first she actually cares for him, which Maxine never does. In fact, Lotte is the only reason Craig isn't sleeping on a park bench. What's more, Lotte is physically beautiful, while Maxine is every bit as reptilian in her outward appearance as in her inward personality. Yet, betraying Lotte isn't the most abominable thing Craig does - indeed, it isn't even the most abominable thing he does to her.
The act the chief characters engage in is a metaphorical act of rape: that is to say, the invasion of another person's body without their consent. At first, it's equivalent to the kind of rape committed on a sleeping person without their knowledge; later, it becomes equivalent to the more brutal kind. The visualization of the means used to invade Malkovich's body - a dark, wet tunnel filled with mud - lends a disgusting literalness to the metaphor. As you may have guessed, this is not funny.
But this is not all that makes BEING JOHN MALKOVICH torture. The film itself is almost unbelievably ugly. Not for every second, I'll admit; Cameron Diaz is pretty, and so are the puppets. But they only make the rest of the movie look uglier in comparison. Everything looks dark, dingy, and seedy. Color seems to have been drained out of the film. I doubt that Catherine Keener is anywhere near as ugly in real life as the movie makes her look, and I know for sure that John Cusack isn't. BEING JOHN MALKOVICH looks the way the world does when you wake up with a hangover.
Given the repulsive characters, the sordid subject matter, the hideous images, and the nearly complete absence of humor or even fun, I can't believe that director Spike Jonze was actually aiming for comedy. Nobody could possibly miss the target that widely by accident. Some serious point about rape and evil was surely intended. But what? I did pick up on the point that, even though he is a disgraceful human being, Craig is a genuinely talented artist whose abilities are unjustly overlooked; having "become" John Malkovich, his art has not changed in the least, but suddenly the public claims to adore it. Is that unfairness the message of the movie? If so, couldn't it have been conveyed without tormenting me?
There's not much satisfaction in the ending, either. Craig does meet a horrible fate, which he deserves, but Maxine and the other villains of the story proceed to live happily ever after, while Malkovich, the only completely innocent party in the whole affair, meets the most dreadful end of all. I'm hoping the ending was meant to be unsatisfying; the other possibility, that we are meant to feel glad for the triumph of evil, is simply too bizarre to contemplate.
Maybe some person smarter than I figured out the message this movie was intended to convey. If you are that person, please e-mail me with the secret, because no way am I going to subject myself to BEING JOHN MALKOVICH again.
Rating: *1/2 out of ****
Recommendation: If you enjoy solving chess problems while having your hair pulled out, this is the movie for you.