Hell on Earth...

Rating: 10/10 (12 July 2003)

ALL MY REVIEWS CONTAIN SPOILERS. EVERY ONE OF THEM.

I've always considered myself a reasonable man. If a movie isn't chock-full of nudity, sure, I may be p***ed, but at least give me wall to wall violence. If the movie isn't overflowing with blood, I may be disappointed, but at least give me some form of conflict. I'm a big fan of chaos, confusion, and disorder; in reality as well as in the movies. To put it plainly...DRAMA. Movies do not need comedy to work, nor horror, nor sex-- but DRAMA is a necessity. It is an absolute must. And what's the definition of drama? Conflict of some kind. Before Sunrise is the only movie known to mankind with no drama.
Before you applaud the film's originality, understand this: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS DURING THE COURSE OF THE ENTIRE MOVIE. Let me repeat that. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS DURING THE COURSE OF THE ENTIRE MOVIE. When I say nothing, I mean NOTHING. Trust me, reader I understand movies don't all have to have warehouse explosions, truck explosions, and people explosions (that would be Utopia) but at least have something happen!!! This movie is hardcore proof that hell exists. Because here is a 2 hour slice of it. I do not see how Satan can run his underground operation without including this movie in some way.
Yes, we want our movies to be true to life. But not at entertainment's expense. And don't gimme that "Oh, how interesting and realistic this film was" crap either. My own personal life on any given day is more interesting than this movie!! If I wake up puking from last night's beer escapade, at least that's SOMETHING. And I don't wanna hear that "It's a chick flick, guys won't get it" crap either. The chick I was watching it with was BEGGING me to turn it off, but I am stubborn and I can never let a movie beat me.
The movie stars Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. Here is the plot: Two people, one whom you can't even understand, talk for 2 hours. Period. That's it. They never argue. No one bothers them. There isn't even conflict in the general conversation! And you people call this realistic?? Guys, you mean to tell me it is possible to chat with a woman without wondering "What the hell is she even talking about?" I think not. And women, you mean to tell me it is possible to meet a man who is so sensitive and understanding to your needs that he just wants to "listen" without any thought of reward for his troubles? Yeah, keep dreaming. And keep watching these Hollywood romance movies.
See, here is the difference between how men and women watch movies. A guy can watch Bruce Willis run through a building barefoot and take on a dozen terrorists all by himself and dismiss it as the sheer entertainment of a movie. We know this will never happen, and if we find ourselves in that situation, we will be the first ones to run away screaming and looking for a phone to dial 911. But women can't seem to differentiate movie from reality. Especially when it comes to these Hollywood romances. So let me tell you women a few things...
1.) Men and women do NOT meet by crashing their cars together at a red light and exchanging phone numbers! Every time I've ever been in a car wreck, whether male or female, I had to prepare for a fight.
2.) If he starts off perfect at first, unlike television, he will not end that way, too. You wanna know why he started nice? He wants the panties!! This is not Quantum physics here! I thought you ladies were the smarter of the 2 genders. It sure doesn't seem like it. And if you're waiting for your own personal Ben Affleck, Luke Wilson, or Matthew McConaughey to come and sweep you off your feet, guess what? Even THEY are the same way. They are only playing characters in a movie! That's why they call it ACTING. It's all pretend!!
3.) No man will ever, and I mean EVER, propose to you on the screen of a Jumbo-Tron at a baseball game. What man would risk that type of possible embarrassment? Not only that, no man wants the world (especially other ladies) to see that he has officially become a fool by taking himself off the open market. Ladies, be grateful he even proposes! If he does it on an answering machine, email, or through Morse code, thank your lucky stars every day of your life.
After suffering through the nonsense called Before Sunrise, you'd think the director would have the common curtesy to thank the audience by AT LEAST showing a sex scene, right? Wrong. The sex is done off camera. I mean, what is this movie even trying to prove??? After about 45 minutes, I mean, it's not even funny anymore. Something has GOT to happen! But it doesn't. It goes on and on, with no resolution. Then on top of that, it ends like there will be a sequel. Not in my life time. I never thought movies could get worse than Magnolia, but this one wins with flying colors. Before Sunrise is the absolute worst movie of all time.
Zero stars out of 5.