Move over, "Batman & Robin"

Rating: 1/10 (1 May 2016)

I thought I had seen it all when it came to bad comic book movies -
from the clumsiness of the Sam Raimi "Spiderman" films to the raging
dumpster fire that is "Batman & Robin". Then I saw "Batman v Superman:
Dawn of Justice" and got a rude awakening: I had no idea just how bad a
movie in the caped avenger genre could be. I didn't know a movie of any
kind could be this bad.

Everything about "Batman v. Superman" is awful. The story is so busy
and overstuffed with characters that, in the end, it's hard to remember
what it's about. The fight scenes are bloody and loud without being
exciting, mistaking violence and noise for thrills. Worst of all, it's
no fun; there's not one single moment of excitement or adventure in two
and a half very long hours. I walked out of the theater dazed and
upset, as if I had just been mugged. This movie actually ruined my
night.

The plot is impossible to follow, let alone recap, but I'll try.
Batman (Ben Affleck) and Superman (Henry Cavill) become enemies for
reasons that are never clear. They reluctantly join forces after Lex
Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) unleashes a Kryptonite monster and threatens
to kill Lois Lane (Amy Adams) if the two heroes don't fight each other,
which will help him take over Gotham City... or something. And then
Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) shows up out of nowhere for a loud, bloody and
utterly pointless climactic battle.

Yes, this movie is confusing. Very confusing. But that's not even its
biggest problem. The worst thing about this movie is that it's no fun
at all. The pace is leaden, the "realism" is just boring - there's a
scene with a Senate hearing on C-Span, for God's sake - and the
characters look perfectly miserable to be there. Who could blame them?

I have never seen comic book characters enjoy themselves less. Affleck
and Cavill treat being a superhero as if it's a burden, not an
adventure; they frown, grimace and speak with long, tortured pauses, as
if they are playing the lead in a high school theater production of
"Hamlet". Adams and Gadot aren't given a whole lot to do, but they manage to look really unhappy doing it. Even Eisenberg's giggly, hyperactive Lex Luthor smacks of desperation; he mugs for the camera like an ignored middle child acting out to get attention.

A comic book movie without fun is the definition of failure. Comic
books are not Greek tragedy. They are stories designed for children,
and children at heart. It's in vogue these days to make "dark and
gritty" superhero movies, and it can be done well, as in Christopher
Nolan's "Dark Knight" trilogy. But those movies worked because they
balanced darkness with excitement, grit with joy. They had the kind of
magic that lets the 10-year-olds who live within even the most hardened
adults out to play.

There is no joy in "Batman vs Superman". It doesn't know what magic is.
It's the only superhero movie I've ever seen that made me sad.