Behold a Franchise Killer, Watch and Weep

Rating: 3/10 (24 March 2016)

Wow was this movie a disappointment. Well maybe disappointment is the wrong word to use. After all, the tone set by Man of Steel (2013) kind of made this putrid pile of bloated, ubermensch meat an inevitability. What started as a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing, has turned into discordant, atonal symphony of angry, overbearing, joylessness; with costumed crusaders limping to the barn in lockstep towards franchise suicide...signifying nothing. We as a collective anonymous mass of superhero gushing sycophants put this upon ourselves. So feast your eyes on the remains that is Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice, consider the three years you waited for this mess and weep.
The story starts two years after the events of Man of Steel which turned the Metropolis tri-county area into a parking lot. Bruce Batfleck Wayne (Affleck) had many people at Wayne Enterprises parish in the devastation, which, is clumsily retold in flashback with Wayne driving like a maniac to the building to do...what exactly? Angry over Superman's continued existence, Batman vows revenge with a scheme that Alfred (Irons) believes is a suicidal and wrongheaded mission. Meanwhile Gollum, I mean Lex Luthor (Eisenberg) wants to turn Superman (Cavill) into a smudge on the ground because of...reasons. Thus he connects the dots concerning the effects of Kryptonite and imports it from remnants of the doomsday machine on the other side of the world (if you haven't seen the first film you will be lost).
That is about as much as I can say without getting into spoilers lest to say the story gets much, much, much more moronic from there. The script seems to have been assembled by boardroom meetings with toy manufacturers and DC Extended Universe shills who are trying oh so hard but failing to repeat the mega success of Marvel. Everyone in the first act speaks in trailer speak; a creole of English, empty platitudes and ominous prognostications though thankfully, the score helpfully fills in the meaning behind the dialogue with overbearing noise. When the plot is not bending over backwards to steer every doofus in a cape towards each other, there are crushing setups to other upcoming franchise movies so forcefully dropped, you'd swear director Zack Snyder was just outside of frame muttering "yeah, you like that don't you b***h!" And need I even mention Snyder's oppressive use of allegory and extended dream sequences as a counterfeit shorthand for "brilliant social commentary?"
But let's assume you're not too concerned about the story. After all while genre highlights like The Dark Knight (2008) and Spider-Man 2 (2004) were cleverly scripted morality tales with subtext, the main takeaway you got from those movies was "oh wow look at that." Does a movie about two of the biggest names in superherodom duking it out truly deliver on the match set up in the title? No, no it doesn't. The overuse of choppy editing, violent shaky-cam and badly rendered CGI distracts and disorients, giving the audience no account of space, the physical strength of our two heroes or the various do- dads Batman uses to slow down his opponent.
Furthermore the main characteristics behind our two heroes' mythology, the ones that made them interesting characters to begin with are left completely out. Without getting into too much detail, Batman is portrayed as a much older reactionary who instead of flirting with jingoism and torture becomes straight up fascistic. Meanwhile Superman's romance with Lois Lane (Adams), which arguably is the best part of the All-American hero's milquetoast character arc, is colder than a dead fish. Lois is constantly shoehorned into a plot that quite frankly doesn't need her, other than to give Clark Kent the occasional side-eye. Even as a damsel in distress Amy Adams, by all accounts a great actress, seems to be in zombie mode.
There are three showstopping performances that I feel the need to highlight. First, Jeremy Irons does a fine job as Alfred whose humor not only injects the film with much needed mirth but unintentionally gives the film a pernicious meta-text concerning spandex wearing insanity. Secondly there's Jesse Eisenberg who's depiction of Lex Luthor is a big, fat f**k you to DC Comics, Warner Bros., Greek origin myths, young tech billionaires and lukewarm ice tea; to say nothing of the various fanboys likely to flambe his performance like a cherry jubilee. Those looking for a villainous portrayal that rivals John Leguizamo's Clown in Spawn (1997) by sheer camp factor; look no further.
The last showstopping performance I want to highlight is Michael Shannon's nuanced take on General Zod's rotting corpse. While only on screen for a brief moment, he stands as a stoic and subtle representation for this rancid, turgid, simpering, ill-conceived, badly executed excuse for a tent-pole movie. This unwarranted assault on the eyes should be renamed Remnants of the Justice League V. The People. At least then you'll know what you're getting into.