Overwrought mess

Rating: 4/10 (6 November 2016)

Vamping off Dostoevsky's comment on families, all good movies are the same, each failed movie is unique. This is why I love to watch failure unfold on the big screen.
Failure is fractal, it scales from the smallest detail to the largest concept. This movie does not need Mandelbrot mathematics to be bad, it has Ben Afflick. Ben is the fibromyalgia of bad, sending out little tendrils through the spine of a movie and making it suck everywhere. Jesse Eisenberg, more like a bad rash, helps with the disaster creation. I am surprised they didn't cast Adam Sandler.
Reverend Ike in Detroit used to shout, "Throw your money to the wall, that what sticks is for the Lord, that what falls is for the Church." Well this was throwing plot lines at a wall to see what would stick. When none of them did, they just included them all into an over-long mess.
What I love about the movie is that it depicts big corporate management failure at its best. First they hire a bunch of expensive actors. We all know expensive is not necessarily good. Gotta have plot, so they ordered a bunch up, and man oh man, did they get it. A bunch. And a bunch of sets, and a bunch of shooting locations, and a bunch of wire work, and a bunch of special effects.
Oh crap, Charlie Rose is in this-- I hope the theaters had barf bags tucked into every seat-back.
This movie is pretty much suited to its target-- Asperger fan boys. Talk about lack of synaptic pruning, this thing is all over the place. Lets see how far along I am--- 46 minutes in, 1:45 to go, gosh help me, the horror, the horror.
They didn't hire a director that understood kid fanboys, they hired a kid fanboy. And they were surprised when they got an infantile movie mess.
I was always surprised when I took probability and statistics, how a certain outcome could be foretold with such a small sample size. But the confidence interval tells no lies. I am sure the minute they came out of the focus groups the studio knew it had a flop. I like to pretend I am the Webster Wolfe fixer they call to patch up the mess. There is no fix for this, Ben Afflick is in it. Maybe they could hire Christian Bale and digitally map his face over Ben Afflick's, but there are probably a whole slew of contract issues. Note to big studios, be sure to put in a clause that you can replace the actor's face and voice in all contracts.
Now somebody is grabbing somebody's heart out, foretelling more senseless plot points. Oh crap, an hour and thirty five minutes to go, give me strength.
Dragging a car by a cable, I guess the laws of physics never mattered, so whey should they now. And Batman needn't stand on a crane shooting tracking arrows into the truck, he could just sit in the Bat Cave and reroute the damn truck with a hack and some Perl code.
I hated this move from the opening shot of Bat Boy levitating, when the whole beautiful premise of Batman is he had no super-human powers. Then it was a dream, and I hated it even more, lazy hack third-rate story telling hacks.
Big plus, Eisenberg just used the word "Junebug" which reminded me of "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka," which was on Bounce last night. I have the DVD, of course. 1:21 to go, please make it stop.
The Superman actor looks a tiny bit like John Travolta, around the mouth. 1:16 to go-- I know a movie sucks when I don't pause the DVD when I go make a sandwich, unlike Vera or even that Woody Allen Paris flick I watched last night.
OK, I am going to take a shower and get ready for bed, while this movie plays out. Pro-tip to the studios-- watch 5 contiguous episodes of NYPD Blue before green-lighting anything. All you need a 6 good guys, 2 bad guys, and Sipowicz slapping one of the bad guys in the back of the head. Anything more is excess. Oh dear deity- Wonder Woman, who's next, Wolverine? I hope he slashes them all to tiny chunks and puts them on a pizza.
Nooooo Kevin Costner-- nooooooooo. If you film it they won't come dude, and they sure won't pay. Time to shower. A new Simpsons on tonight.
Well I'm back, totally refreshed, as if the shower washed this bad movie off me. Thankfully I watched Total Recall 2012 two days ago, so I was prepared for bad. I can't believe I am saying this-- but I would rather watch a Bob's Burger episode then the end of this mess. See ya!