Makes Age of Ultron look like a masterpiece

Rating: 1/10 (22 March 2016)

Okay, so I just watched an advanced screening of the film out on Pasadena's Arclight Theater.
Movie opens with with an on screen caption to the effect of "The day the world met Superman" and we get a flashback of the Zod fight from Bruce Wayne's perspective. He watches a good handful of skyscrapers topple down and then suddenly remembers to call "Jack", whom we assume to be a subordinate of his in Wayne Enterprises. Jack, along with the rest of the office, is staring passively out the window at a potentially apocalyptic alien invasion, complete with city-block incinerating warships, until he receives the call from Wayne telling him to "GET EVERYONE OUT", whereupon everyone seems to finally come to their senses and realize their life is at stake.
So everyone rushes out, except for Jack, who for some reason feels compelled to go down with the building, like some honor-bound captain.
After saving a little girl from toppling debris, Wayne looks on at his crumbling skyrise and vows furious vengeance upon the perpetrators of the calamity.
"18 months later" we read on screen, before cutting to "somewhere in the Indian Ocean" (I guess they couldn't be bothered to specify) to a brown young man staring out at the CGI remnants of a Kryptonian ship. He dives down into the water, finds what looks like a mutated super turd, and brings it back to shore to a White Man, who cracks it open to reveal a Kryptonite rock.
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Sorry, the way the film really opened (I can't keep up properly—it really was mind-numbingly stupid) is with scenes of a young Wayne watching his parents get gunned down in front of the movie theater (Thomas Wayne is played by The Comedian from Snyder's Watchmen, by the way) interspersed with scenes of him falling down the cave, just as in Batman Begins. Down in the cave, lil' Bruce comes face to face with a horde of red-eyed bats, who proceed to swarm around him in a tornado-like vortex that swoops him out of the cave. We hear Batfleck's voice-over say something like "in the dream, it was a symbol for reaching out for the light. A beautiful lie."
It is only THEN we cut to Metropolis and the whole thing with "Jack" takes place.
Okay, so the kid gets the Kryptonite and we cut to Lois Lane in Somewheresville, Africa interviewing the leader of some unspecified terrorist organization. The photographer that's with her (NOT Jimmy Olsen) is manhandled by one of the members of the militia and gets his camera confiscated. Bad ass militia-man tears open the camera and finds some kind of listening device inside. "CIA!", he immediately denounces, and Lois is escorted into a bunker and about to get killed when, you guessed it, receding-hairline Supes comes into the scene to save the day, warp- speeding into Big Bad Terrorist Leader with both fists in a move we can only assume eviscerated him.
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You know what, I can't be bothered to go over the whole thing. It's too stupid to bear.
Suffice it to say it includes a stuttering Lex Luthor with absolutely no character motivation, an even more psychotic Superman than the one portrayed in Man of Steel, who may or may not have allowed hundreds of innocent people die in a Capitol Hill terrorist attack simply out of spite, a reprise—via dream sequence (of which there are many)—of Kevin Costner's nihilistic Jonathan Kent, the S&M take on Martha Kent, a Wonder Woman cameo no one, not even the characters in the film, can properly justify, a Doomsday that was created with a mixture of the blood from Lex Luthor's slit hand and General Zod's corpse, and many, many other foul things
You know how they build up to the JLA? With an e-mail chain. I kid you not.