No-Brain Brawn of Justice

Rating: 5/10 (26 March 2016)

SPOILER ALERT!!!
Clever Lex Luthor sets Superman up in Nairomi Africa, with terrorists or freedom fighters or the closest person they could find to Djimon Hounsou and his village, riddled with bullets. The American congress blames Supes, clearly the holes in the Nubian carcasses were just the right fit for Superman's super-strengthened fingers. Especially since Erykah Badu herself came to give a teary testimony.
Congress blames Supes, but he doesn't care. Nothing was going to affect his posing game; he didn't get enough of it in the last movie. So he lingers for a few seconds before swooping in to save a New Orleans family on the rooftop. He does a slow turn for the camera while costumed Mexicans touch him in adoration. In the last one and half year since the last event, he has done nothing to make the best detective in the DC universe consider him an ally.
So despite all the saunas in the Capitol, Superman chooses congress to soak in some fiery heat. A bomb goes off and not a single soul was saved due to super-speed. Kal El stood there as the flames licked the S on his chest. I mean who needs super-speed to disrobe when you can dive in the tub fully clothed! Mobile phone, Kryptonian key to Fortress of Solitude in pocket and all.
Meanwhile the greatest detective is working out, lifting heavy things, "this god must bleed" I mean, I don't kill people! I only flip cars on their cars and wish them luck! But Superman? Hehe killed the CEO who stayed back to pray during the heat-vision slicing show, after he had to wait for the orders of the founder before clearing the Wayne building. And then he crushed the legs of one my staff! He must bleed!!!
Meanwhile, the mastermind Lex, not a cold, calculating mastermind scientist o, but a Sheldon Cooper on a cocktail of cherry flavoured sweet, cocaine and NZT, bent on besting Heath Ledger slices off Zod's kryptonian fingerprint, superglues it onto his own fingers and overrides ancient tech. next thing you know, he's doctor Frankenstein and starts improving on Zod.
But Batsy still doesn't have a clue. He is busy beating his Kryptonite-Assegai into shape. But before then he has to dream, about the past and his parents death, about a dystopian future and an evil Supes, about Flash from the future with a warning, in fact the only thing he didn't dream about was, could this be a deliberate plot? Lex's name is popping up too often, could he be behind this? Who bombed Congress? He couldn't have hidden the bomb in his nonexistent red pants. Oh wait, my staff was found responsible for the sophisticated bomb, did the paraplegic build it all by himself? Too many questions! Alfred! Is the suit ready?!
Clark had his share of dreams too, as Kevin Costner probably signed up for two movies so yeah, that conversation had to happen. And then the mastermind Luthor plays his trump card, if you don't fight Batman, I will kill your mama! The man of steel drops to his knees and obeys.
The super-powered Kryptonian tried to explain to the super-thick Gothamite, I have been wrong; we might be on the same side after all. But at that moment, Zack Snyder realizes that if this fight does not happen, people will riot, cinemas will burn. And so they 'rack'. And at the final hour, like two sorority friends discovering they share the same horoscope, Batsy finds out that his mama shares the same name with Supes' mama. Amidst another wave of flashbacks, only that completely coincidental connection was enough for the Gotham Knight to sheath his spear, or more appropriately fling potentially the strongest hand-held weapon in the universe away.
Doomsday, scratch that, more like Doomsminute was finally born, although he has skinny kwashiorkor legs, he could leap from Metropolis to Gotham, which was like a 5 minute drive in this universe by the way. The Zod-Lex monster uses his newfound energy absorbing powers to deal with the super trio, until Diana restrains him with the lasso of truth, Bruce doses him with Krynonite gas, and Clark stabs him from the back with the spear.
The End.
PS: Maybe next time don't try to lump Panic in The Sky, Death of Superman, Injustice: God's Among Us, The Dark Knight Returns etc. into one movie.
PPS: Ben Affleck is Batman.