You will Watch, but Nothing will Happen

Rating: 7/10 (25 March 2016)

This is my first review. That's not significant or anything, but I felt compelled to write a review for this movie. I won't bore you and say it was incredible, nor will I use unnecessary hyperbole and tell you it is the worst film in humankind's history. No, I'll say something even more damning than that: the movie was merely average. Spectacularly dreadful movies or remarkably well-done movies leave impressions on the viewer. No matter which way the film went, somehow, in some way, something resonated with the audience. Not so with this film. It was singularly unmemorable. In a word, it left me feeling nothing.
To start off, the acting was passionless. By literally everyone. Henry Cavill was predictably dull. I thought Man of Steel was a major disappointment, but I couldn't put my finger on why. And now I know: it's Cavill. He's incessantly boring. I think I'd get more entertainment watching the blades of a fan. Ben Affleck gave it the old college try, but he was unconvincing as Batman. I just didn't believe him. Maybe I was too entrenched with Christian Bale, honestly, I don't know. But something about seeing Ben Affleck don the suit did not make me believe he was the Dark Knight. Ben is great in movies like Gone Girl and Argo, but he absolutely should not be one of the faces of an action movie. Amy Adams did her best I'm sure, but her portrayal of Lois Lane left a lot to be desired as well. She didn't appear inquisitive as Lois is supposed to. Instead, she just was in the way a lot, a nuisance if you will, and the scenes where she took the lead inspired deep sighs and eye rolls from me. Jesse Eisenberg was decent in most of his scenes and to be fair, he's generally a very good actor. But he must have been drinking the same water of mediocrity that Cavill, Affleck and Adams sipped from because he was very underwhelming. It seemed like he was trying to channel Heath Ledger's Joker from The Dark Knight Rises, but again, theme of this movie: it was not believable. He didn't seem insane or terrifying or deranged. He just seemed fake. In one scene, he hums a song in a psychotic way, and I found myself laughing at how hard he was trying to convince us he was a crazed mastermind. But it fell flat, very flat, just like everything else in this movie. I will say this though: Gal Gadot was superb. It's true what the critics say, she steals the show when she's on the screen. She made me believe she was truly Wonder Woman. She's a spectacular actress that doesn't get enough credit. Think back to her and the Fast and Furious movies. Doesn't she just OWN and command your attention when she's speaking? I'm looking forward to Wonder Woman, but after this movie, I'm unsure if it'll get green-lit.
Another thing that makes this movie not unlike most other action movies is the utter preponderance of explosions. I get Superman is immensely fast and powerful, but why on earth does his very presence incite such destruction ALL THE TIME? I don't mean in a few scenes either, or at the very end during the climax, but I mean all movie, there's nothing but crazy bombs going off or rapid gunfire from automatic weapons or buildings exploding or the earth being devastated. It gets old quick. I don't recall seeing Michael Bay's name in the credits. It's all unnecessary, and it makes the movie both very messy and very unbelievable. I get you suspend belief but come on. If I want inane explosions, I'll just watch Bad Boys II. At least that has some comedy and good actors. One question lingers from me: how can a movie have such intense action and yet still remain immeasurably boring?
Furthermore, this movie did not seem to have a real identity. Was it a dark film? It didn't seem that dark or brooding, again, just boring. It certainly did not have any comedic elements to it. The theatre was completely silent the entire movie. No cheers, no applause at the end, no enthusiasm, no laughs, no nothing. That's pretty hard to do when you imagine the amount of Superman and Batman fanboys we have on this planet. That's how uninspiring this movie was. It elicited no emotion. After it was over, I just slunk away to my car, numb. Not happy, not sad, not excited, not overly disappointed. I just felt nothing. That's what this movie does to you: nothing.
That's what you should prepare for when you go to watch this movie: nothing. Just go see it. Temper your expectations and clear your mind and just sit there for 2 and a half hours. When you emerge, don't be disappointed, don't be angry, just continue to live life as you've been, because chances are, this movie will have no effect on you whatsoever.