Zach doesn't have your back this time

Rating: 4/10 (6 April 2016)

I feel like I'm one of the few people who actually likes Zach Synder. Yeah his movies have the depth of a puddle, but his sepia- looking visuals combined with (usually) very artistic CGI make for movies that are at least enjoyable to your eyeballs. But yeah man, I can't defend you on this one bud. I didn't even have really any expectations for this movie, and you still managed to disappoint me somehow.
This movie is book ended by sh!t. The opening voice over monologue is probably the worst movie speech I've ever heard. It's pretentious. It has nothing to do with the plot. Its.Just.Stupid! The ending is just as bad. Spoilers: Super Man dies!!!! Jk of course he isn't really dead how would we finance the sequels without trailers of superman and Ben Affleck homo erotically pushing each other around? Instead batman decides in a single scene that everything the movie has built so far about his complete hatred for superman has been completely irrelevant because superman yells out "Martha" like some BDSM masochistic safe word. Yeah talk about a big fvck you to any audience members still invested in this movie's characters. Look I could go on and on about the sh!ttacular plot. I could complain about how useless Lois Lane (or however it's spelled) is in just about every situation. Or how it's retarded for batman to put a tracking device on a car only to immediately get in his CGI death car and mow everyone down in his way (including an innocent oil tanker truck driver) even though that's the same exact reason he hates superman. I could say it's useless for Lex Facebook to carefully and precisely and slowly cut off General Zod's fingerprints when he could just cut off his whole hand. I'm not going to say any of that though, I'll just type it on an online message board instead. Look the plot and structure of this movie is terrible. There are no less than four dream/hallucination sequences and none of them make any fvcking sense whatsoever: in one the flash, a character who is never even introduced, goes back in time to communicate to batman in batman's dream (cause that's not retarded), in another batman sees his parents grave bleeding black goo only to have the Faun from Pan's Labyrinth jump out and kill him. Look overall the dream sequences are probably my favorite parts of the movie ( in one batman has a tracking shot fight scene against Nazi superman soldiers under a recent nuclear explosion.) but overall they make no sense and have no effect on the plot at all. They could have been taken out and the story would have remained the same: fvcking stupid.
Now the CGI in this movie is bad. Really bad. I mean the bat car looks like it was pulled out of a 1995 hot wheels video game made for kids whose parents didn't love them enough to play hide and go seek like jimmy's parents would always do (no I'm not bitter). Doomsday looks great. Everything else... not so much.
Finally the editing in this movie is pitiful. There's no tension (except for one scene that we don't understand why it's intense until a briefcase explodes), no establishing shots to allow us to take in the scenery or even know wtf is happening. Sure this is just like Zach's first attempt into the superhero genre, watchmen, but I actually like watchmen so you're not allowed to criticize it.
Overall: 5 or a 5.5/10. Why you do dis Zach. I love you bb pls.