GREAT MOVIE! (For all the wrong reasons)

Rating: 3/10 (2 April 2016)

Sure, you remember flipping through those old comic-books, where Superman breaks people's necks, drops building on young and old alike, and kills everybody in the end. Oh, you don't? Well, but you certainly remember those Bat of Gotham comics, where the Bat(man) voices his desires to kill everyone, dons a Columbine trench coat and shoots at everything that moves with a shotgun? What, no recollection of those either? Well Zack Snyder remembers those comics, though I'm not quite sure anybody but himself has read them. I'm joking, of course. Superman isn't a mass-murdering terrorist from outer space and Batman isn't a gun-toting psychopath. Only in Snyder's mind and his movie.
"Dawn of the Dead" – a fresh breeze in the rotting Zombie-genre, at a time where people would have giggled at the notion of a "The Walking Dead" TV-show. "Watchmen" – I admit to my personal opinion, perhaps the finest comic-book-adaption to have been filmed (yet). "300" – if you are a male and have but an ounce of male-hormones in you, you probably loved that one too. Great director! Until something happened (we're not quite sure what. Perhaps a brick or a camera fell at the wrong place, at the wrong time) and he produced this shamble.
Convoluted? Over-long? Ponderous? Scenes, pointlessly strung together, as if to say "hey! Let's make a baby somehow!"? These are just words, but to understand the actual meaning, you'd have to go and see the movie yourself.
That guy who is playing Lex Luthor? Well, I don't know where that came up. Perhaps the actor threw a tantrum, demanding that his character be "more like the Joker!" and they just let him go ahead for the sake of peace. But he talks a lot. As in: "A Lot!". But that was fine. It gave the audience the opportunity to go visit the bathroom, perhaps shave, purchase more popcorn, have a cigarette outside and chat a little about how great the Christopher Nolan films were. Then return to the seats – and Luthor would still be talking about some things or the other! But who knows? Perhaps he makes a living out of giving Heath Ledger impersonations at parties and public events, so we shouldn't lay so much blame on the poor guy.
The guy who plays Superman? Well, like they promised – "The Man of Steel". Not completely incorrect, and it sounds a lot cooler than "The Man of Wood". But that's just the acting. Everything else is like in the comic: "It's a bird! It's a nuclear missile! It's a terrorist-god from outer space, who might have come to destroy humankind! It's", well, Christopher Reeve it isn't, but they're discussing him on CNN.
And then there was a lady thrown in – maybe from the tops of mount Olympus – that was playing Wonder Woman. Lynda Carter, god bless her, wherever she may be now.
And now we get to the juicy part, the Faustian question that has plagued mankind for the last three or four years: Ben Affleck. Again, I do admit – freely and unrepentant - that I am one of those "haters": never liked the man. Liked the notion of what he perceives as acting even less. And yes, he was the best thing in this movie – now, that's how bad "Batman versus Superman" is! Well, having said that the Affleck-Batman murders everybody was a little incorrect – sure, most of his victims probably died later in hospital, but he also guns down quite a few opponents. And I liked the trench-coat, though that notion made me feel slightly morbid.
But of course "Superman v Batman" has a lot more to offer. It's after all about 5 ½ hours long – or at least that's what it felt like (trying to avoid superlatives like "a life-time"). As said, Lex Luthor talks a lot, plenty of close-ups of everybody involved, CGI-effects, images of Christ (in slow motion! Did I mention that this was a Zack Snyder film?), Batman stealing kryptonite, Batman and Superman fighting (I kid you not, this scene is actually in the move!), until the great revelation of all things revolving around the plot and everything else (*SPOILERS AHEAD*): Batman's mom and Superman's foster-mother share the same given name! (*MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD* It's Martha! Hallelujah!). Then they become best buddies! And some big orc or troll (*MILD SPOILER*) kills off Superman, but I do suspect that he might be back in one of the sequels or future "Justice League"-films (like I said, it's a Zack Snyder film, so he'll wake up three days later).
Then the movie ended and the audience tumbled back into the streets – some seemed dazed and confused, others sang hymns – but most assembled at the nearest McDonald's, demanding cheeseburgers and I personally felt content – today was Monday and they would air a new episode of "The Flash" on TV! And on Wednesday they'd air an episode of "Gotham", which, for the first time in my life filled me with the feeling of gratitude!
But hey, what do I know? Apparently not much, since plenty of BvS-claqueurs and cheering Persians reminded me, that I just "didn't understand this movie". So, since words fail me, I'll resort to have numbers do the talking: 3/10