...Meow.

Rating: 7/10 (12 August 2008)

You know those films you watched when growing up, that you thought were SO amazing, but when you go back and re-watch them, you realise they're not all they're cracked up to be? Well...this is one of those films. It's the very definition of "style over substance". Sure, it LOOKS great, and yes, it *does* have a memorable theme provided by Danny Elfman, but having said that...there's still plot holes aplenty (big enough to drive a Batmobile through). Where to begin? Let's start with the obvious ones: Since when are their penguins living in the sewers? How does a mutant baby penguin-child survive in said sewers, and where in the WORLD does he find both goons and hi-tech gizmos exactly? Let's not even get into the part involving penguins with rockets on their backs. Seem unlikely? Not half as unlikely as a lonely secretary (sorry...ASSISTANT) getting shoved out of a hi-rise building, plummeting to her apparent "death", only to be brought back to life by a clutter of cats (who appear from seemingly nowhere) via some sort of bizarre cat ritual that involves them jumping over her prone body and chewing on her fingers. This results in her being turned talcum powder white, acting like a zombie and then going all "crazy" at home (her poor stuffed animals meet a grisly end in the garbage disposal). Despite having "died" and then resurrecting, she still manages to create an entire home-stitched dominatrix catsuit (complete with cowl and gloves) out of a single black vinyl jacket. She both feels and LOOKS "so much yummier". Her resurrection also granted her martial arts skills, the ability to wield a whip with expert proficiency and the urge to randomly blow up buildings. Resurrection via kitty bite RULES! I guess feline saliva has some amazing properties in it? Kitty spit is made of AWESOME.
Catwoman's not the only one to defy death, though. The Penguin manages to survive his entire sewer lair collapsing on him long enough to drool black-green goo and deliver some lame last line before he falls down dead (finally!) and is miraculously carried into the water by his army of penguins. This is, of course, after he's managed to not only convince all of Gotham that he's some sort of "hero" who just wants to find out about his heritage, but somehow be in the running for Mayor. I guess it's not *that* hard...when it appears that all of Gotham are grade A morons. Didn't they learn anything from the Joker? I guess the Penguin's just smarter than the average Gothamite (he *does* somehow acquire the technology needed to deactivate Batman's Batmobile armour and tamper with it after all. Not to mention he has a vast array of trick umbrellas - talk about fancy technology. He hooks the handle of one of these special umbrellas - that doubles as a mini helicopter - around Catwoman's neck and sends her her up, up and away at one point...simply for rejecting his icky advances. I felt sorry for Catwoman there, but on the plus side, she got to fly over Gotham City's skyline and see the sights).
Someone whose the total opposite of that^ and is completely incapable of having fun is Batman himself. Bruce Wayne just sits in his dimly-lit mansion, in a constant state of broodiness, doing absolutely *nothing* until he sees the Bat-Signal in the sky - at which point he's all pursed lips and dramatic head-turns. What a boring Batman! You'd think he'd be playing poker with Alfred at least, but no, he's just waiting for the signal, in a constant broody mood. When he puts on the Bat-suit, however, his mood shifts to...glum. Seriously, his mouth is turned downwards (when he's Batman) to such an extent that it looks like a muppet mouth. His Batmobile - which you can tell was solely designed with the idea of what a great toy it'd make for kids in mind - is ready for ANY occasion. Why should Penguin be the only one with unbelievable technology? As far as the actors go, Keaton doesn't have much to do besides scowl. DeVito is pretty nasty in his Penguin make-up and gives a nicely creepy performance. Walken (as Selina's tycoon boss, Max Shreck) and his crazy grey hair - which looks like the result of too much electricity - is the very definition of "arch". He actually twiddles his fingers in an evil manner at one point. ALL the characters spout cringe-worthy dialogue at some time or another, with varying degrees of success.
The one who comes out on top, of course, is Miss. Selina Kyle herself - Michelle Pfeiffer. She is the definitive Catwoman, no matter what anybody else says. Yes, her origin story may vary from that of the comic book character or whatever, but it's of little importance. Pfeiffer exudes sexiness. She rises above the movie's shortcomings to bring us a memorable villainess/anti-hero, who encourages women to stand up for themselves, by gum! She makes the transformation from lonely, frustrated, slightly bumbling secretary (who gives us monologues - out loud - about her love life...or lack thereof), into a back-flipping, whip-cracking (and sometimes jump-roping), stun-gunning dominatrix capable of fitting an entire canary in her gob (I wonder how the bird managed not to suffocate in there?) - and you can't help but love every minute of it. Even when she rather foolishly lets herself get shot multiple times - just to prove a point - but soldiers on, rhyming as she does so. Shreck finally has a reason for his hair looking like that of the Doc's (from Back To The Future) there at the end, when there's some sparkage between him and Selina. Pfeiffer completely owns the part, and it's a relief to see her pop up into frame just before the credits roll (somehow having repaired her cowl - which had previously had holes in it that bits of her wild mane stuck out from). Meow indeed.