Bring on the rubber nipples.

Rating: 1/10 (14 January 2008)

I am a die-hard and long-time Batman fan, and waited all my life for someone to make a 'serious' Batman film. Now that someone has done this, I realize I was better off without one.
At least, I was better off without this serious Batman film. 'Serious' is the essence of the problem. The film goes overboard and worse yet, overlong trying to show just how Bruce Wayne got koo-koo enough to dress as bat, trying to convince us that one man could master all known martial arts and detective skills, and trying to convince us that someone could really fight in a bulletproof batsuit , and trying to convince us that a batmobile could really exist. There is no subtlety, and nothing is left to the imagination. But this flaw alone would not be fatal.
What kills this movie are, in my mind, 5 unpardonable sins: 1) Katie Holms is horribly miscast as a 'hardnosed' deputy DA and love interest for Bruce Wayne. She is the very definition of unconvincing in this role. She comes off more as a barista. Compared to Katie Holms, Kim Basinger is Meryl Steep and Lee Merriwether is Vivian Liegh. And there is absolutely zero chemistry with Christian Bale. 2) Speaking of Christian Bale: I've seen this guy in other stuff and I had high hopes. But, while generally competent, I did not find his Batman/Bruce Wayne as nearly compelling as Adam West or even Michael Keaton. Perhaps his acting is too good: perhaps he does not leave enough for the imagination? West and Keaton both seemed to convey a sense of keeping their cards close to the vest. Also, why in heaven's name did Nolan let Christian Bale imitate Michael Keaton's rasp when in the Batman drag? Silly, silly, silly. 3) Spoiler Alert: It is the height of heresy for Batman to voluntarily reveal his secret identity, even to women he is hot for. Even when he is trying to sleep with the woman. Within the context of this movie, it is inconceivable that Bruce Wayne would spend 18 years of single-minded obsession turning himself into the fearsome Batman, only to risk it all just to impress Katie Holms. She is with the fricken DA's office! The real Batman would know he could never trust a civil service employee or political appointee with the secret of his true identity! 4) The final, cataclysmic battle, rather than being satisfying or cathartic, is yet another silly, over-exaggerated CGI mess. Just because you can use CGI does not mean you should. Batman should never emulate Spiderman or Arnold Schwartzenegger. The climactic sequence, like virtually all modern action movies, is more a Roadrunner/Coyote cartoon than a fight scene. The idea of a grown man dressing like a bat requires enough suspension of belief: the CGI stuff overloads it. Adam West and Michael Keaton didn't need CGI. 5) Rubber muscles: I guess Time/Warner did some focus group research and figured out that there are a hell of a lot of rubber-clothing fetishists who want to buy movie tickets. The rubber muscles were the worst part of the Tim Burton movies, and reached unprecedent heights of auto-eroticism in the duly-reviled Joel Schumacher movies. I can't wait for the sequel of 'Batman Begins' to see how rubber nipples look in the 21st Century!!!
Christopher Nolan had all the money in the world to make this movie, and had plenty of time and creative control as well. These are the reasons for my fierce criticism and low rating of this film. Although they have inferior special effects, judged as cinema and as pieces of heroic adventure, both the 1966 'Batman, the Movie' and the 1989 'Batman' are far superior to this film. In the earlier films, the ridiculousness is intentional and drives home a point, whereas 'Batman Begins' is often unintentionally ridiculous.