Socrates Presents Batman  Michael Mann Would Be Proud

Rating: 1/10 (21 June 2005)

He'd be proud because this is the exact type of rubbish he would direct. "Batman Begins" is essentially just another rehashed, pale "Operation Dumbo Drop" clone without the top-notch acting from all-star veterans like Glover and Liotta. Instead, what we get is a cast chock full of over-the-hill, washed-up has-beens like Gary "Getting A Bit Too" Oldman and Morgan "Shouldn't Be Such A" Freeman. The acting in this film was phenomenal, so great that I found myself rolling on the floor with laughter on several occasions. Christian Bale's performance as Batman is the best acting I've seen since Reginald VelJohnson played Carl Winslow on "Family Matters". I dare you not to laugh when Batman is angry, he sounds like Dirty Harry with a speech impediment. Not to mention the profound dialog, I didn't hear a single word uttered from any actors mouth throughout the seven hours that this movie lasted that didn't sound blatantly scripted. I think every other sentence had something to do with fear or revenge or justice. Spare me, for the love of God. Who wrote this anyway, Socrates? What is Batman's real name again, Ralph Waldo Emerson? This film is just one lengthy diatribe of philosophical drivel. If you really must see this movie, despite everything I am telling you, might I recommend reading the novel first, Plato's Republic.
I don't know why Chris Nolan ever thought he could do a superhero movie in the first place; I suppose it had something to do with the success of his previous action/adventures, "Memento" and "Insomnia" (if you suffer from insomnia, I recommend watching this work-of-art to help you sleep). This movie suffered from the same things all of Nolan's films suffer from, poor editing, weak character development (if any in some cases), lack of suspense, etc. If you love action movies that don't have action, movies with cliché dialog, horrid acting, and god-awful cinematography that prevents you from understanding what the hell is going on, then this movie is a must-see! Michael Keaton is rolling in his grave, folks.