Easy F

Rating: 1/10 (26 June 2011)

Talk about a waste of time and talent! "Walk Hard" director Jake Kasdan has fashioned a predictable, 89-minute, R-rated comedy that takes few risks and breaks no new ground. The pathetic, lowest-common-denominator humor struggles to qualify as raunchy, but it all looks like bits and pieces that wound up on the cutting room floor for the hilarious Billy Bob Thornton epic "Bad Santa." No, nobody who worked on "Bad Santa" had anything to do with this uninspired, low-life laffer boasting consistently obnoxious characters. Sure, our blond, bombshell heroine spouts profanity, smokes marijuana, and has promiscuous sex with single guys. So what! Most of this borderline bad behavior that would appeal to underage urchins giggling gleefully as they inhale their first puffs from a cigarette butt and ogle a Maxim magazine. "Bad Teacher" isn't 'bad' based on what the characters do. Now, had our heroine had gone to bed with one of her seventh graders, indulged in sex with either another woman or a midget, and manufactured meth, then she would have emerged as a 'bad' teacher. The son of writer & director Lawrence Kasdan who made "The Big Chill," "Wyatt Earp," and "Silverado," Jake Kasdan has only helmed one memorable film, the crudely subversive musical-comedy spoof "Walk Hard." Everything else that he has made ranks at best as fair to middling fare. The only thing worth looking at in "Bad Teacher" is Cameron Diaz. Indeed, the 38-year old actress looks sexy when she sponges down cars with her body, slinks around in skimpy outfits like a tramp, and swears like a sailor, but "Bad Teacher" cannot compare with something really funny like the Farrelly Brothers' comedy "There's Something about Mary." "Bad Teacher" is neither as entertaining as her earlier sci-fi outing "The Box" or the melodramatic "My Sister's Keeper."
The bare-bones plot concerns an Illinois middle-school teacher, Elizabeth Halsey (Cameron Diaz), who wouldn't last thirty seconds in an actual class room. Elizabeth is an abrasive, self-centered, gold-digger. She had been planning to marry a wealthy guy, Mark (Nat Faxon of "Beerfest") until his protective mother convinces him that Elizabeth only wants his loot. She accuses Elizabeth of being so oblivious to her son that she does not even know when Mark's birthday is. Distraught over this debacle, our heroine heads back to the class room. Earlier, her colleagues had given Elizabeth a big-send off with a Boston Market gift card. When she is in the class room, Elizabeth's ideas about pedagogy consist primarily of showing her students movies on DVD such as "Stand and Deliver," "Dangerous Minds," and "Lean on Me." Meantime, Elizabeth sits at her desk and either sleeps or looks at breast implant literature! She doesn't particularly like the hopelessly chipper teacher across the hall, Amy Squirrel (Lucy Punch of "Dinner for Schmucks"), because Amy lives and breathes to teach middle school. Indeed, Amy is somewhat anal about following rules! Indeed, Amy is appalled that Elizabeth is relying on DVDs this early in the semester.
No sooner has the semester started than the school acquires a new teacher, Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake of "Get Smart"), who Elizabeth stoops to conquer, except that she has to tangle with cheerful Amy to land him. Marking time in the wings for Elizabeth is the only remotely sympathetic character, middle school gym teacher Russell Gettis (Jason Segel of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"), who doesn't get her attention until the last quarter-hour of the action. Actually, the amiable Russell shares more in common with Elizabeth than any of her other colleagues. Russell puffs pot and displays a cynicism that reflects Elizabeth's own. Anyhow, our calculating heroine figures that the only way that she can get Scott is to have her breasts enlarged. Talk about cynicism! A scene with a plastic surgeon, Doctor Vogel (David Paymer of "Redbelt") and one of his boob job models at his clinic is about as sleazy as this saga gets. Elizabeth drools at the sight of those big knockers and fantasizes about the possibilities that they offer. Imagine her distress when she winds up in bed with Scott and all they do is dry-hump, and then we are shown an obvious semen stain on his jeans. Anybody who grimaces at this behavior has clearly led a cloistered life where sleazy movies are concerned.
After our heroine gets the idea to orchestrate a car wash where she uses her body as a sponge to wash the vehicles and then pockets the proceeds, Elizabeth drums up the balance of her bread for a breast job by stealing the answers to a Standardized test. Elizabeth puts on a red "Annie" wig, masquerades as a journalist, and seduces a timid educator, Carl Halabi (Thomas Lennon of "Reno 911: Miami"), and then slips a roofie in his drink. Again, as thoroughly objectionable and unethical as her behavior is, it is nothing new in a movie. Had Elizabeth found herself opposite a lusty lesbian educator, then that might have been a little closer to the borderline. Nothing that Elizabeth does amounts to a challenge her to her skills or her taste. Surprisingly, Timberlake plays his preppy, be-spectacled school teacher as if he were a closeted homosexual. Of course, Cameron Diaz is largely trading on her spectacular looks, but even she is looks a little bewildered playing such an inadequately drawn character. You don't really hate her and you don't really admire her. Nobody takes advantage of her and Diaz never musters any charisma as a 'bad' girl. If you are looking for something like "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," "Mr. Woodcock," or "School of Rock," you won't find it in "Bad Teacher." Altogether, "Bad Teacher" is not bad, mostly tame. This amoral lesson in life deserves a grade of F for forgettable!