Stupidest film I've ever seen - and I've seen Prometheus

Rating: Null/10 (28 June 2017)

I must be stupid.
I feel like I just handed over the family cow for a handful of magic beans. I saw the trailer for Baby Driver and thought it looked dreadful. But I was still stupidly suckered into seeing the whole movie by the post-truth IMDb score and enthusiastic reviews from trusted sources.
They're dead to me now.
I've enjoyed Edgar Wright's work in the past but Baby Driver is the puerile fantasy of a twelve-year-old boy. It's a fantasy where bopping along the street in tune to your 'beatz' makes you look super-cool instead of like an attention-seeking tosser, where simply not talking has the power to turn a pudgy-faced teenager into Robert Mitchum, where the hot waitress falls inexplicably in love with you before you've even ordered a Coke, and where driving at full speed into the back of a lorry in a crash that kills both your parents, leaves you with only two cool little scars and a slight ringing in the ears, instead of hideously squashed and sucking soup through a straw for the rest of your life.
It's also cool - when you're a getaway driver - to drive very very fast and with a lot of squealing tyres and crashes - even when your shitty driving is the only reason the police are chasing you in the first place. God forbid you should just mirror, signal, manoeuvre - and disappear quietly into traffic. God forbid you should just... GET AWAY!
There are so many ridiculous inconsistencies, unlikely coincidences, dumb actions and unintentionally hilarious lines in this film that I kept expecting Leslie Nielsen to pop up and make a beaver joke.
Baby Driver has tinnitus which comes and goes as the plot requires (or not - either is fine). He has an endless supply of iPods and sunglasses - as one pair is slapped off his face, he pulls another from his sleeve like Paul Daniels on a sunbed. Baby Driver is an orphan but he cares deeply (aka shallowly) for his foster dad who is black AND disabled AND deaf, which is like the Cliff Notes way to Create Sympathy. But it still doesn't work. Baby's not sympathetic. Or heroic. Or sexy. Or even a good getaway driver.
Likwise, Kevin Spacey's Doc is supposed to be 'the best' at putting together tip-top teams for heists, and yet he employs a series of infantile squabblers who all resent the hell out of the toddler-of-mystery that is Baby Driver.
Throughout the film, Doc has Baby Driver in a brutal iron grip - threatening to break his legs and slaughter everybody he loves. But then he wilts like spinach at the sight of Baby Driver with his instant girlfriend and within seconds showers them with money, tells them to get away and 'never look back' and - in the grand emotional fulcrum of the whole movie - reveals: 'I was in love once'. Another one for Cliff Notes, I think.
In short, Baby Driver is a stupid film where stupid people do stupid things while saying stupid lines to each other.
Avoid at all costs unless you're a twelve-year-old boy.
A stupid one.