WRXless

Rating: Null/10 (1 January 2020)

Baby Driver jumps straight into action with a glamorous-looking armed robbery and getaway drive that's intended as a show of impressive driving skills in a stolen Subaru Impreza WRX. Baby takes a 'magic carpet ride' around a flooring specialist's van (miraculously slowing tremendously on a slick patch AND doing an intentional 180 instead of hitting the wall), he somehow hits the tire chain at a roadblock with the side of a tire without it sticking, then he just drives through the roadblock because it's wide open on the left. Lucky weak spot. Relying heavily on the consistency and responses of average daytime drivers, Baby drives against traffic and then lines up with two other similar red cars that are luckily just driving perfectly side-by-side. Under an overpass he slams on the brakes in front of one of them to push them to his right (luckily that worked out...), and then they all just continue to drive in line (like a car ad) until he takes an off-ramp to ditch a police helicopter. Luckily the police are just easily confused, so they don't simply communicate his current location and rate of travel - they just stay with the two commuter cars. The film title comes on in front of road lines painted up a building; as if you might just drive up the building into the sky...
Baby goes to the 50s-theme diner where his mom used to work when he was a kid (before the crash that killed his parents). There's lots of 50s memorabilia and a mural on the back wall of a couple driving into the sunset in their Chevy Impala on Route 66. Baby's interested in a waitress he sees walking in singing and when the waitress comes around to his table they have a cute conversation. She says she sometimes just wants to head west on 20 in a car she can't afford with a plan she doesn't have - just her music and the road. It's a romantic notion and he seems affected.
When Baby meets the crew for the next job they ask why he listens to music all the time, suggesting he may have mental problems. One of the felons, Bats makes a point of declaring himself the one with the mental problems (as if having mental problems is impressive, and as if people who have mental problems even think they do, let alone admit it). Baby's 'boss', Doc (the typical crime schemer) says he listens to music to block out the ringing in his ears from the crash, and tells an 'impressive' story about how Baby's been stealing cars since he was a kid and was an urban legend for evading police during a high-speed joyride (Doc's also taking most of Baby's money as payback for stealing his Mercedes).
The armored truck job goes bad when the felons kill a guard and they're rammed by an off-duty marine in a Dodge Ram as they're pulling away. Evading him, Baby puts their Avalanche on two wheels driving along a wall at a steep angle that should slam the car down on its side, but this doesn't happen (miraculously). The marine opens fire with some guns he just happens to have (as if it's a given that he'd just have an arsenal with him in daily life), and then he rams their front end under a semi. They just stick there under the semi (still intact) while the semi drives on; as if the driver wouldn't notice, as if their wheels would accommodate that angle, and as if the Avalanche would even fit that nicely under a semi to begin with. Luckily Baby just breaks free, ditching the marine, and they just miraculously keep driving with a functional car. At a traffic jam they need a new car at the front, so they pick a car with a lady and her baby, of course. Predictably, Bats gets the lady out of the car and now the baby's in jeopardy. Baby 'saves the day' when he executes the correct action and hands the baby over to the lady. They do the usual thing and ditch the car in a parking garage (as if the police wouldn't be watching those now, after a series of robberies with cars ditched this way). When the job's done, Bats predictably kills one of the other felons for leaving his shotgun behind - he's the one who just kills lots of people.
Baby and the waitress, Debora have a date at a nice restaurant, but Doc is there and he threatens their well-being if Baby doesn't drive for him again. Baby agrees. Doc leaves saying "Your waitress girlfriend, she's cute. Let's keep it that way."
Doc has Baby go into a Post Office to buy some stamps and case the place for a robbery, bringing along Doc's 8-year-old nephew, Samm to look more 'Normal'. When the teller smiles and tells Samm she has a mint with his name on it, Samm says (incredulously): "You have a mint... that says 'Samm'..." The teller says he's "sweet" and gives him a white and red mint. As they're leaving, the teller makes a reference from a song about how you can't have a rainbow without a little rain and Baby appears to be affected by this wisdom. Back in the car, Baby tells Doc the teller seemed nice. Samm says "You probably wouldn't even need to use a gun with her. Just say "boo" and she'll give you the big bills first." He's evidently missing more than just the "y" at the end of his name...
In the car at a convenience store Darling is all over Buddy, and she suggests that he should kill Bats because he's been checking her out. It's a stereotypical BS 'power play' with a hot female just making some man her tool, like he'll just kill people because she's hot. Bats kills the clerk for some gum (because he's dumb enough to add homicide to a possible shoplifting charge), and they all go to meet "The Butcher" to get firearms. It's so lame and cliché I probably don't even need to say that it's lame and cliché, but I'll say so anyway. As they're approaching the meet, Bats (who isn't) gives Baby a gun and explains how it all works: "Got to swagger in like you got one, Darling excluded". Predictably, the meet ends with a glamorized shootout.
At the diner, Bats just guesses the very unlikely scenario that Buddy's a failed Wall Street broker who turned to ARMED ROBBERY instead of real estate when he crashed, taking ex-stripper Darling with him on a cocaine-fueled life of crime. As they're about to leave, Bats pulls his gun and starts to approach Debora, but Baby holds him back. Bats has so far done nothing but assert his dominance and fight with everyone about everything, but luckily he just relents this time for no reason that he'd ever value and agrees not to shoot Debora. On the way out, Baby gives Debora a secret message, "Road Trip 2 AM". But then Baby's unable to get away at 2 AM and so Debora's been stood up. Debora doesn't know how lucky she is, though. She may be missing more than the "ah" at the end of her name...
During the Post Office job a security guard is predictably shot by Bats. The crew tells Baby to drive, but Baby's pissed off and he doesn't drive. Instead, he turns off the passenger side airbag and slams on the gas, impaling Bats with a bundle of pipes hanging from behind a truck parked in front of them. It's a gory killing meant to ramp up the action mid-movie (made 'necessary' by how very, very bad Bats was written to be).
Darling dies glamorously in a shootout with the police and Buddy is now predictably hell-bent on revenge. Baby hurries home, bundles up disabled foster Dad, Joe and leaves him on the doorstep of a retirement home with loads of cash. A police helicopter arrives, but Baby just disappears (like Batman). He then goes to the diner where Buddy (who isn't) waits for a chance to kill him and Debora to avenge Darling (who wasn't). The news is on and we see that Bats' real name was Leon Jefferson "The Third" (as if he was really quite distinguished because that's how armed robbers really are, of course). Baby shoots Buddy in the shoulder and he and Debora run outside and are about to be pointed out to the police when they just disappear. Like Batman. On foot. With police cars all around.
Baby impresses Debora for about five whole minutes when he drives her really, really fast in a stolen muscle car to the one remaining place on earth where Buddy will find them or they might otherwise be killed - Doc's hideout. Luckily Doc doesn't just shoot them when they get there and instead just suddenly has a totally contradictory change of character, becoming sentimental about how cute they are together and then dying while protecting them from Buddy.
Debora's used as bait - she just stands there in the parking garage as Buddy pulls up to her and aims his gun at her. When she says "Now!" Buddy luckily doesn't just shoot her like he would have already, and Baby bashes his car with a truck, pushing it over the edge. Buddy jumps out, though, and he fires gunshots close to Baby's ears to deafen him and then goes after Debora. Luckily Baby's able to shoot him in the knee and he staggers over the edge to his death. Debora then drives them in the stolen truck until they hit a real roadblock and he turns himself in.
On the good graces of witness testimonies about basic duties and trite courtesies performed during major crimes, Baby (who isn't) is sentenced to 25 years in prison subject to a parole hearing after five. Maybe he'll get out early for good behavior (despite being found guilty on 20 counts) because he could just drag a mop across the floor and put food on trays in the cafeteria. And maybe he'll just miraculously get his hearing back because there's a doctor...
Debora sends him an envelope of postcards from the diner with old Kodachrome pictures of 50s cars, writing on one that his real name, Miles (which she only just learned during the court case) is cool and she can't wait until it's just them, music, and the road. He secures the Route 66 sunset postcard on his mirror and closes his eyes, and we see a scene in Kodachrome where he's released from prison unchanged and sees Debora waiting for him in a summer dress with a mint condition white and red '59 Chevy Impala she could never afford. There's a rainbow in the background, he embraces her and they kiss.