"Two hours you'll never get back."

Rating: 3/10 (12 October 2017)

I usually do not write movie reviews, but after all the hype that this movie got and what it actually turned out to be once I watched it, I thought I'd make an exception. The number of times I attempted to go see it but had friends and family members cancel on me on multiple occasions should really have tipped me off that fate was saying, "Hey dude, it's not all that you think it is, and even worse, it's two hours long. Two hours you'll never get back." But what do I care about fate when Metacritic has given this movie an 86. You got that, right. An 86. Not a 70, not a 63, an 86. I mean, it must be good, right? Let's just say Metacritic is leaning towards "negligible" in my day to day life after this. I'm gonna do this check list style and try to avoid MAJOR spoilers because I am in no mood to be writing a grammatically correct piece of prose.
Minor, minor, minnnnnnoooorrrrr spoilers. Potentially.

Angry black character who swears the most and solves his problems using violence? CHECK. Way to go Hollywood.

Female character (the bad one) whose sole purpose is to be in a relationship with Jon Hamm's character? CHECK. Oh, and wearing revealing clothes like all the time makes for some excellent character development. Watch out, Buffy. You've got competition.

Love interest for the protagonist who exists for the sole purpose of being the love interest for the protagonist. She has no life outside of the diner, unless she's doing other womanly things like doing the laundry and dancing with her man. She has no backstory, because it's unimportant to have a backstory if you're female and she's willing to throw everything (whatever little it may be because again, what backstory?) to risk her life for a boy she met like "a day" ago. CHECK.

One dimensional characters? In bulk. Just look at the stereotypes in the beginning of the movie and that'll give you a hint of what direction it's headed in without me having to spoil it for you. CHECK.
It seems each act leads to people acting completely out of character. CHECK.
A tone that is all over the place and doesn't fit the product as a whole? CHECK. You wanna tell a story through a surrealistic lens, take notes from Twin Peaks. I don't know what this was.
Cliché dialogue? CHECK.
Terrible Ending? CHECK.
Nonsensical plot? CHECK. Or at least I didn't get how it all came together, because characters were acting out of character and changed the dynamics of what was preventing people from doing things in a previous act.
Two hours of my life I will never get back? CHECK and CHECK.
And... this movie managed a 93% on rotten tomatoes when Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales could not even manage a 60%. Goodbye, world. I'm taking a movie theatre moratorium and sticking to classics.
I'll play devil's advocate because why not.
The action scenes were cool? CHECK.
The setting was pretty good? CHECK.
Nice camera-work? CHECK.
The music was so-so. I was expecting the music to blend in more naturally, but again with the over-hyped bit.
No hate though because it might be somebody else's cup of tea. I just didn't like it. So what're you gonna do with two hours of your life?