I wish they would Avenge my time and money

Rating: 5/10 (13 May 2015)

Where to start with this over-hyped and underwhelming spectacle...
EVERYTHING IS HUGE. THE THEATER, THE SCREEN, THE AUDIENCE, THE POPCORN. THE ANTICIPATION.
And so it begins, deep in a totally unexplained, but perfectly enjoyable action sequence. Excessive explosions, stunts, and character teamwork accelerate the pace to a blistering speed within the first few minutes of the film and begin to satisfy the building excitement. Keep in mind, I haven't been counting the days or anything, but, I'm ready for a new great superhero/action film! (with Guardians and The Winter Soldier fresh in mind) Okay, everyone's pumped up, now. Time to hit them with them A-listers involved in disinterested dialogue exchanges, supplemented by futuristic gadgets and intricate wardrobes. This is starting to feel familiar... Oh no, self-deprecating superhero humor... and... look everyone a villain! Okay, the potential for redemption is still strong. Not letting go of hope yet here. If this villain is awesome, I'm so in.
Bam! ULTRON. Picture the scene from the Exorcist where Regan interrupts the cocktail party by peeing on the floor, but instead of a young Linda Blair, it's a robot leaking motor oil. Oh, and instead of a jolly crowd of churchgoers, it's Stark's crew of tipsy superheroes.
I'm not going to get into any more specifics regarding the story, as, well, that's enough.
This film suffers from being weak in a department in which it should be so strong - visual effects. The various renderings of Ultron feel incomplete and unloved. His face moves like its made of skin, but, its metal - as far as visual fidelity talking robots go, Transformers kicks this out of the park and I involuntarily cringe saying that. Which reminds me of the most overused comment in recent memory, "I just threw up in my mouth a little bit." A home run line when used to refer to Ben Stiller's character in Dodgeball, but here, coming out of the 'mouth' of a robotic super-villain it is absolutely heinous. It was so poorly placed that, I ALMOST THREW UP IN MOUTH A LITTLE BIT. HAHA.
The opportunity to present more amazing advanced S.H.I.E.L.D engineering accomplishments, such as the flying aircraft carrier, are of course superseded by a common device in this film: Do it again! The flying aircraft carrier makes a triumphant return in all of its unwelcome glory. That's fine if you want to bring it back, it even makes total sense. However, to build it up as some sort of major, exciting event seemed like a cop-out. It's like we were supposed to be enthusiastic about eating leftovers... I mean, some people like leftovers, but, not going out to dinner and paying for them... or looking at them again, but, this time, in 3D! After a certain point in the course of this film, I completely lost interest. I just didn't care anymore. When they think they're hitting you hard with the loss of a character, you realize that you don't care either. This was one of the most emotionless killings of a character that I have ever seen. All I can think at this point is, please kill off more characters, its the only thing that will make this movie significant enough to justify the high price of admission, unrelenting hype, and self-induced buttered popcorn nausea.
Once the film was over, I squeezed out of my aisle and couldn't have gotten out of the theater any faster. I don't care if there is another Howard the Duck teaser or Spiderman vs Sony or Fantastic Fox-Farts or Stan Lee cameo or ahhh, I think I'm officially cashed out on the superhero stuff.
Thank you Age of Ultron for helping me realize that the Age of Underwhelming is upon us.