ouch.

Rating: Null/10 (21 December 2009)

I felt pretty embarrassed while watching this movie, like more than when I went to see Twilight or Harry Potter. The characters have African accents and features, fake native American ''culture'' including feather head-dresses and using every part of the animal, blue smurf skin and ride around on pterodactyls like Everquest. And they do drum dances to worship a tree god. like, an actual tree that is their god. literally. not as a metaphor, and not a talking tree, just a plain old burnable wooden tree that is also their god.
We are clearly meant to take all this seriously, which is the really sad part: the audience was literally laughing out loud. I mean...I've written some stuff I'd be severely embarrassed to have other people read, and then other people read it, so I can relate to the writer here. I feel bad for him. but STILL.
Everyone keeps saying in the other reviews how much money is involved as if that makes the movie good when to my view it makes the whole situation even more embarrassing. There is no way i could have overestimated this movie's moronicness before seeing it, yet we've mobilized massive amounts of our modern cultural capital squarely behind something that reads like everquest fanfic. I'm a little bit frightened by all the positive reviews---I'm afraid people are going to spot me and say ''you're not one of us'' and either give me a lobotomy or try to eat me.
My favorite character was definitely the corporate overlord. He refers to what they seek as ''unobtainium'' which is an old Usenet/scifi word, and I chuckled because his character was so clued-in and terse in his evilness, made it fun. but then later in the movie he shouts in a serious high-action moment ''the unobtainium is underneath that rock right there!'' and then military dudes fire on the rock, or something, as if the corporate guy doesn't realize it's not actually called unobtainium. That's just a snarky stand-in word for when you're explaining a common story to someone else and want to say ''who cares what it really is,'' when of course it _is_ something specific when you're outside a moment of reflexive exposition. It's like the writer heard some clued people talking to each other, didn't really get what they were talking about but decided he wanted to be just like them, then tried to mimic them. like when a five year old tries to swear like a drunken sailor but doesn't know how to use the words right yet so he sounds all FOB-y, the movie was like that.
also like i said, they have blue skin, talk like continental Africans, and ride around on pterodactyls. please don't forget that part. If you think you can handle this, whatever, go for it.