Pure cheese

Rating: Null/10 (1 January 2010)

**** CONTAINS SPOILERS******* I'd like my 3D with less cheese please Mr Cameron! I walked out of the theater with the same bitter feeling as when I saw the Star Wars prequel whatever it was called the Phantom something. The feeling of having witnessed a complete failure I wanted so badly to enjoy. It all starts with that cheesy voice over. Usually a bad sign, but I was crossing my fingers the guy is a maestro, a genius, a pure talent, after all I heard in the media. 20 minutes of miserable acting and unbelievably lame lines that belong to a B TV series later, I start doubting the reviews. Characters who are supposed to have been living together for months start explaining to each other why they are here, who they are etc... in a very contrived and unsophisticated way that make it all very laughable. The hero is played by a bloke who belongs to an afternoon TV series, and is described as a stupid marine. Impossible to even start liking him. I started asking myself whether the genius had made a comedy. But no, the rest of the picture was undoubtedly first degree cheese. We were not supposed to laugh. Then this big animal a giant black alien panther with 6 legs comes out of the jungle for a chase, I cheer up: the masterpiece starts here! A cool chase in the woods, our hero is separated from his patrol without means of communication and runs for his life in the jungle. His patrol leaves him behind. There is nothing they can do. The hero miraculously escapes by jumping in a waterfall. You'd think that his fellow soldiers would deem him dead after leaving him alone to deal with a giant panther in the middle of a an unknown jungle. No. The officer as if he had seen the movie fears: "he won't make it through the night". That's when I started thinking that there was something deeply rotten in Avatar: the script. It feels it has been written in a rush or by a talentless beginner, or someone whose power in the project was such that nobody would dare tell him the blinding truth: if you are over 12 years old, you cannot believe one minute of Avatar because it's too cheesy. The script is not at par with the budget, nor the CGI . The fact that it makes so much money at the box will certainly make the author(s) brush any criticism away. Regardless of the box, avatar is a scandal of a script. Then the rest of the movie is just a confirmation that what makes a bad movie is a bad story. It becomes an endless retelling of Dances with wolves, itself a cheesy retelling of Little big man etc. As usual it needs a white man to tell the Indians how to fight back, they're too under-developed, naive and primitive you see. With a few differences: the Indians are now the color the soldiers of the cavalry used to be, ie blue, they have rastafari dreadlocks, cats eyes and mouse ears and they are saved not only by Kevin Costner but also by the buffalos this time. The Buffalos join forces as they have learned their lesson: they understand what Buffalo Bill will do to them later on if they don't do anything. Many similarities still with your usual John Wayne western: the horses, the broncos they tame, the arrows the costumes and the squaws. But no Wayne. No actors at all. Our tasteless hero is accepted by the Indians, God only knows why, no explanation is given, except their sheer stupidity and he is taught how to become an Indian himself through a 30 minutes montage of boring sequences with no dramatic tension whatsoever. The rest is the usual celebration of testosterone and violence, the usual Hollywood dubious self-defense violence you find in any action movies except this one is lecturing us on its anti violence anti war stance. It still exploits an hour of pure violence to make money. End of story: the usual showdown between our dummy boy hero and the baddie, a ridiculous body builder GI Joe. A movie is as good as its baddie, Disney used to say . Well look at the baddie here: you'll know how bad Avatar is. The hero saves the Indians who without him would be toast, they're so crass and stupid, those "savages", a stupid marine makes all the difference. I watched all this mess with a pair of heavy 3D glasses which darken the picture and leave a mark on your nose so everybody you meet within the next two hours ask you whether you've just seen avatar, it's so red in the middle of your face. They say it's 21st century cinema. It may well be, but when the novelty of the technique wears off, they'd better start hiring scriptwriters. I am not going back any time soon. I don't care about the 3D, I want to see a good movie please! The quality of the dialogs and the fun of the Ice Age or Nemo make those cartoons enjoyable for all. Avatar is only for kids who enjoy violent video games and do not care for any story or characters. I heard people say Avatar is beautiful. Avatar's conception of beauty is "when it glows in the dark". Like stars you stick on kids bedrooms ceilings. I'm way too old for fluorescent deco. There is good news in Avatar's box office: it is probably scaring the hell out of LA talent agencies who got used to making millions off star power. People seem happy with 3D without cast. It may be the only 21st century news in the picture.