Er... I felt sorry for the actors

Rating: 5/10 (1 March 2010)

If this film did not have the special effect of 3D I would have given it a 1 out of 10.
To be fair, I went along because I was curious to see what 3D film was like these days (the last 3D movie I saw was some kind of space adventure from the 80s whose name I fail to recall).
I could see that they were using a kind of Philip Marlowe/Apocalypse Now narration-by-the-principal-character device straight off, but this didn't bother me to start off with because I was initially very impressed with the 3D.
However, after about 30 minutes (once you got used to the 3D) you began to realise just how bad the script was. Let me point out now that there was nothing wrong with the acting - the actors were doing the best they could with a bad job - but the clichéd lines in the film started to grate and I find myself looking at my watch after 90 mins.
That was a shame because I then had to put up with almost another one-and-a-half hours of this awful script; and it didn't help that my girlfriend had lost all composure long before the end of the movie and began screeching with laughter at the poorly written dialogue. I was just cringing and hoping that the Colonel would die soon so the movie could be over...
I just don't get Hollywood. Why spend all that time and money on special effects, quality actors, only to deliver a bum script? It also didn't help that there were so many references, mainly visual, to other films. Apocalypse Now was borrowed from a lot, as was Dances with Wolves (which itself was a ripoff of the far superior Little Big Man), and even from the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
I found the plot highly insulting, especially since I have actually spent time in the Ecuadorian Amazonian jungle with native South Americans whose habitat (the forest) is being encroached upon by oil companies exploring for black gold.
The narration device did not work and narration NEVER works unless it has a sense of humour. Kubrick used it a lot - the narration in Barry Lyndon, for example, is very dry and witty - but Kubrick knew what he was doing. It works in the Philip Marlowe private detective movies because it helps to convey the cynical nature of the Marlowe character (and it is also funny).
I can only think the script was written by committee and those behind it were thinking how the movie could appeal to the widest audience: the new age/environmental constituency ("OK, let's get some Dances With Wolves-type stuff in there"); action/war movie fans ("How about some Apocalypse Now? And hey, why don't we rip off that scene where Kilgore is drinking from his mug of coffee while the Air Cav are wiping out the Cong?"); and, of course, the kids ("As well as the 12 Certificate, we need to get some dragon-type things in there like they had in LOTR...") Unfortunately, it ended up with a dumbed down script which was a real distraction from the visuals. As I said before, the 3D was good but it wasn't good enough to carry this film. I was curious about the 3D, but my advice to anyone looking for a 3D experience is to go and see Alice in Wonderland (surely with a genius like Tim Burton directing it, it can't be as bad an experience as this).
I must thank the Electric Cinema in Notting Hill, though, for having comfy seats and allowing me to take a bottle of champagne into the viewing!! Otherwise this film would have totally ruined my Sunday...