I went so you don't have to

Rating: 1/10 (13 November 2016)

I am drinking in a coffee shop near the cinema trying to forget the 45 minutes of Arrival I made it through before leaving my girlfriend and her two friends to slog it out to the finish. This is not the first time I have left a date at a bad movie so I tend to do a fair bit of research ahead of time to be safe. There were warning signs but no red flags so I gave it a shot. My biggest hesitation was the plot of the army plucking a random prof from an easy coast university (it looked like Concordia in Montreal to me) to take charge of the biggest operation they have ever faced. That ain't gonna happen folks. I should have listened to my gut. I could be drinking at home instead of waiting for the agony to end. I can't really comment about the cheesy opening narrative frame since i did not stick around to see its inevitable conclusion. I presume her dead daughter somehow inspires her to solve the riddle somewhere in the third act. And that she then decides to hook up with the scientist who was playing the Jeff Goldblum character from Jurassic park when it is all over and have more children because she is finally over the pain. After the first ten minutes I found myself hoping beyond hope that we would spend half an hour or more in a discussion of how Portuguese sounds different from the rest of the Romance languages - c'mon Galicia! Alas it was not to be. Instead we get an army helicopter landing at the waterfront mansion which she shares with no one, and Idi Amin barges in and begs her to turn off her TV, put down her wine, and get in the car. And she of course refuses, only to change her mind five seconds later in a contrived childish hissy fit of academic pique which the real Idi Amin would definitely have recognised as a major red flag. So off they go, joining Jeff Goldblum in the helicopter for the quick jaunt off to... Montana!? Ever flown a helicopter to Montana from Montreal (OK but somewhere on the east coast probably NYC)? No, you haven't, because it would take all week. You might do it for fun if you were not in a hurry. If giant squid-filled space eggs had just landed from another planet and you were the key to understanding them, you would likely avail yourself of a more expeditious method. I think this was about the first time I looked at my watch and it was about 25 minutes and I knew I was doomed. I started preparing my exit, putting on my boots, double checking that I had my phone, bike lights, coat, hinting to my gf that I might have to ride this one out elsewhere. Next thing I know we are on a Skyjack -no really, this is how the US army takes on alien invaders, and I am covering my eyes to protect from the cheese. I made it to when she pulls the white board out like a scuba diver and writes HUMAN and thinks her chest and brothers and sisters, I made for the exit.