Yeah, but are you gettin' it? Armageddon it! Ooh, really gettin' it? - Yes, Armageddon it! C'mon, Steve, get it!

Rating: 4/10 (10 July 2003)

Why am I bothering with this movie now? Michael Bay's BAD BOYS II is opening soon, so maybe my Summer Movies 2003 depression will lift if I do a little venting. (You know times are dire when the top three movies are all sequels that no one was really clamoring for. I mean, who asked for another TERMINATOR, LEGALLY BLONDE, and CHARLIE'S ANGELS? Tell me. I really want to know.)
I got a laugh when I read the pro-ARMAGEDDON user comments here, especially those which wonder why people hate this movie. Can't you people read? The level-headed comments deriding this movie clearly state why this movie is so awful. The ridiculous plot. The cruddy visuals. The crummy acting. The jackhammer editing. Good God, that Aerosmith song. In short, the unrelenting bombast of it all is what we object to. What don't y'all understand?
Then there are those who give the movie's many faults a pass, believing that it's just supposed to entertain. "Check your brain and you'll like it." Everyone who enjoys this movie by successfully removing their brains must have encephala minuscule enough to fit in that jean mini-pocket that won't hold much more than a subway token and a dime bag. Assuming you have the requisite amount of matter in your cranium that can be distressed, how can this movie not give you a headache? It's loud, moronic, and insufferably long, and the A.D.D. editing just makes the ordeal that much harder to tolerate.
Another reason I looked up ARMAGEDDON was to see why and how a movie nobody seems to like made over $200M at the box office. It's dismaying to discover that people who think highly of this movie really exist. I wonder if they can actually feel their brains rotting as the movie drags on and on.
May I recommend LAST NIGHT if you dig end-of-the-world stories? Or a lava lamp if light and motion are what you crave? In the mood for a Bruce Willis action flick but tired of the DIE HARD trilogy? THE LAST BOY SCOUT is refined, Oscar-caliber cinema compared to this interminable assault on the senses.