Utterly Mindblowingly Awful

Rating: 1/10 (6 July 1999)

Counting the two Problem Child disasters, this is the third worst movie I've ever suffered through. At times I wondered if "Armadgeddon" was a really a movie at all: at its heart it's simply a bunch of predictable explosions strung together by a plot thin enough to break through with a feather. It's Hollywood at its pathetic worst. Let me back up my stern dislike for this wreck. First, so many laws of basic science dealing with gravity, heat, and other apparently non-important ideas are broken, I will not attempt to list all the anomalies. Second, things are constantly being blown up. Now, that's to be expected in the typical Action/Summer Blockbuster, but it happens so many times in Armageddon we are tired by the first quarter of the film. Things explode for the sake of exploding. I'm curious how many of these disasters happen in the movie, but I don't have the patience to sit throught it again and count. Another fatal flaw: Everything must go wrong. Sure, a plot requires conflict, but so many things get...well, messed up, it's actually funny. Seriously, I sat through this "thrillride" and predicted the next scene. I was right, oh, 19 times out of 20. My one mistake was when I didn't bother to guess. It is sadly, sadly predictable. Then of course, we have that obligatory dramatic scene near the end when Our Hero (I will not reveal his identity if someone out there, heaven forbid, actually wants to see this monstrocity) takes a few moments to tell the world goodbye. Hello--he's supposed to be saving them!!! At this point, every second counts as that giant rock of mass destruction hurtles toward Earth! So there is the demise of Armageddon. There's much more that really damns the whole movie, but I can't go into more detail or this review will span several pages. My advice: Don't waste your time!!! If you want a big end-of-the-world-is-swiftly-approaching-film, rent Deep Impact. That isn't a good movie but slightly better than Armageddon. May this movie be shoved into the darkest bowels of Hollywood demise.