Apocalypse Lite

Rating: 5/10 (18 January 2001)

What does it mean to say that an asteroid is "the size of Texas"? Is the asteroid Texas-shaped? Is its diameter that of Texas north-south, or east-west? Or is it that the asteroid has the same volume as a sphere with a diameter the same as that of a circle with the same surface area as Texas? That seems to me to be the most charitable reading.
This is the kind of inane discussion the characters in "Armageddon" might as well be having, for all the concern they show over the imminent end of all life. They discuss the matter as if they're talking about the annual tax return deadline. To be honest, I think taxation worries them more than death - which is exactly the mean-spirited attitude you'd expect from a loud, over-edited, the-stupid-shall-inherit-the-Earth Bruckheimer parable. If this were a book, it would be a paperback, it would be sold in newsagents, its title would be in silver letters, and each paragraph would be one sentence long. Possibly two.
One worthwhile thing, though: we get to see what a good actor Bruce Willis is. Objectively speaking his character is insufferable. He gets his jollies by whacking golf balls onto the heads of Greenpeace protesters. His over-the-top protective attitude towards his daughter, while I'm sure it's meant to be cute, is only just this side of perverted. In short, he's a jerk. If we nonetheless like him - or at worst, fail to dislike him - this is entirely due to Bruce Willis. He can make any character charming. Part of the secret is knowing how much charm too use; too much charm is as bad as too little, and Willis knows never to turn the `charm' knob higher than necessary. In `Armaggedon', it's set at maximum.