A 2 1/2 Hour Trailer

Rating: 1/10 (3 February 2020)

I'm going to try to put this in simple, small, easy-to-understand words, in case anybody who likes this movie happens to read this. I actually gave it attention. This is just background noise and I actually sat there and gave it my attention. This is a tremendous movie - an emptiness so colossal it humbles. Michael Bay isn't a human being, he's an MTV factory, a plugged-in Tin Man with a TV for a head. He gets paid millions to rob countless audiences of their time. Michael Bay is a low-key real life Supervillian, killing you slowly, one pixel at a time. Roger Ebert, in one his most dead-accurate assessments, called this movie a two-and-a-half hour trailer. Flash, bang, noise. Meaningless. Even for Autistic children this would be challenging - mentally challenging. Our heroes, who work on an oil rig, have to blow up a meteor hurtling towards the earth, cue training montage, challenges to overcome, one of the guys heroically sacrifices himself to save the world and they blow it up at literally the last possible second - this is a Saturday morning cartoon made into a 2 1/2 hour live-action C.G.I. husk. Figures coming from the guy who's literally spun Saturday morning cartoons into public insults. There is not a single redeeming aspect to this. Cluster**ck, cluster**ck, cluster**ck is Michael Bay's only thought. This is cluster**ck the movie, and it burns every brain cell that watches.