Bruce Willis destroys deadly rock, audience angry that Affleck survives

Rating: Null/10 (5 May 2013)

"Armageddon" finds humanity attempting to avoid a giant stone, which is ironic, considering the film was released by Touchstone Pictures. What the hell Touchstone? Why the mixed message?
Other contradictions abound: "Armageddon" is about giant oil companies and nuclear weapons saving the planet, which according to my High School science teacher, is exactly the opposite of what oil men and nuclear weapons do. Who do I trust? My science teacher, or director Michael Bay, whose middle name is Shallow and whose mental bays are routinely lapped by waves of total bull****.
Bizarrely, the film stars Bruce Willis, who is way cool, and Ben Affleck, who destroys cool. They cancel each other out, leaving behind Bay's direction, which is great if you like epilepsy. Hilariously, the film finds two spaceships, the Independence and the Freedom, saving the planet form a giant asteroid. Yes, this literally is a film about blue-collar American oil-workers saving the world via Independence, Freedom and nuclear weapons. It's also narrated by Charlton Heston, who loves guns and thinks multiculturalism ruins democracy. Nice.
The film was produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, the Michael Bolton of movie producers. He makes jingoistic sledgehammer movies, one of his earliest being the super cool "Top Gun", which had enough rock-n-roll machismo to impregnate a battalion of house wives and which cast Tom Cruise as a sexy American Nazi. Sweet.
"Armageddon" climaxes with intense stuff guaranteed to get you totally pumped. The fecal matter really collides with the cooling appliance, though, when we realise that Bruce Willis, who is way cool, must sacrifice himself to save the planet. He's so brave. F**k you Affleck.
Aesthetically, "Armageddon" looks like a Budweiser commercial mating with a Levis billboard. It paints a back-lit corporate fantasy of rural and urban America, a land of overalls, proud faces, checkers games on the main square, couples necking in Chevrolet convertibles, and flapping American flags. A giant advertisement for itself, the film is a testosterone soaked celebration of white, male, American values. You know, like military might, Bon Jovi, strip clubs, oil fields, apple pie, Norman Rockwell and the ultra smoking Liv Tyler, offspring of an Aerosmith lead singer and an Elfish Queen. Few films say more about late 1980s and 90s America than "Armageddon".
4/10 - Once an action thriller, now a camp comedy.