Does Michael Bay Want to Hurt Us?

Rating: 2/10 (12 November 2018)

I felt an unpleasant, adrenaline-like sensation during much of the runtime of "Armageddon." That feeling was not from thrill, delight, joy or entertainment. It was rooted in anxiety. This movie was made to combat alcoholic hangovers. If some genius makes this an in-flight movie, such person should be arrested for violating the Eighth Amendment.
I propose a new law--no more "Meteors Heading for Earth" movies. "Meteor" focused on the diplomatic aspect and failed to entertain while "Deep Impact" highlighted the plight of a few dysfunctional people on Earth. That latter is so painful to watch that I wished the meteor would hit quickly so we could all get on to more enjoyable tasks such as catheterizing ourselves.
After a comet plays bowling ball with the Asteroid Belt, several displaced rocks reach Earth, conveniently hitting only our largest cities. I call them homing space rocks. Yes, it is a *comet*. NASA uses the term meteor, but meteors are smaller than asteroids. Meanwhile, trouble is brewing on Harry S. Stamper's (Bruce Willis) offshore oil platform. When he finds his daughter (Liv Tyler) in bed with A.J. (Ben Affleck), he chases A.J. around the facility with a shotgun. Apparently he is not aware of what happens if his shot penetrates an oil pipe.
NASA director Dan Truman (Billy Bob Thornton), who should switch last names with Stamper, selects Harry and his crew to drill a hole in the *comet* and insert a nuclear bomb to split it and deflect the two halves away from Earth. Harry and his crew (including Will Patton, Michael Clarke Duncan, Steve Buscemi, Owen Wilson and Ken Hudson Campbell) learn to be astronauts in 12 days. While the training scenes last far too long, they are the most interesting part of the movie. The shuttle is piloted by William Sharp (William Fichtner) and Jennifer Watts (Jessica Steen). A Russian cosmonaut (Peter Stormare) joins the party when they refuel.
Boring and annoying describe the movie's first half, but once they enter space, the assault begins. Upon landing, the crew discovers that the *comet* is prone to earthquakes. The smaller the solar body, the more unstable the tectonic plates, I suppose. In any case, a lot of commotion and destruction ensues. Director Michael Bay creates and edits it as aggressively as possible. Different shots are strung together at incredible speeds while lights flash and an extreme amount of sparks fly. The acting mainly consists of people shouting at each other and running around in near-panic while the music raises the hyper-scale to maximum. "She's gonna blow," "the clock is ticking" and "we have no time" dominate the dialogue. Only Stormare and Thornton stay calm enough to act well throughout; others have their moments, but not many.
What equipment NASA has created! The shuttles, ground vehicles and space suits are apparently made of flexible diamond. They take repeated beatings but remain in fine working condition, except when the script calls for something to blow up. Amazingly, Sharp has trouble disarming his own bomb, which only reminded me of a better scene in the video game "Max Payne."
"Armageddon" may be Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay's answer to "Independence Day," but they forget that ID4's main strength was that it spent more time resting than moving. Bay tried for a stand-up-and-cheer ending, but 150 minutes of loud, hostile movie-making does not give me the urge to cheer for anything. "Armageddon" is the definition for "sound and fury signifying nothing."