Loud, Awful, Nausea-inducing Film

Rating: 1/10 (25 May 2004)

When Steven Spielberg opted to jerk and move his cameras while panning Normandy at the beginning of "Saving Private Ryan," I was taken in by the gesture, as it provided realism and an honest look at the brutality of war. In other words, you felt as if you were actually there, storming the shores with those brave men.
In 1998's vile "Armageddon" the cameras never stop moving. I wasn't waiting for the end credits to roll as much as I was patiently anticipating a scene during which the cameras did not flutter around like a bad MTV ad. To my bitter disappointment, Michael Bay's jerky direction simply--desperately--attempted to cover up a bad screenplay and script with attention-deficit disorder techniques. Bay's plan would have worked in a three minute hip hop video or a 30-second Super Bowl commercial, but he failed miserably with this epic waste of time and resources.
Bruce Willis and Billy Bob Thornton are not just miscast in this disastrous pile of debris, they seem completely lost, as well. Now I first watched "Armageddon" on the big screen, after which I literally had to make my way to the nearest drug store for Asprin and stomach medicine. Michael Bay has mastered the art of big, empty, poorly executed motion pictures that, none-the-less, make millions at the box office. This has more to do with months of expensive advertising campaigns and shrewd publicity, for which Mr. Bay and company should be commended. But you get a candy bar rather than a nine-course meal, which makes for a quick rush rather than a fulfilling movie-going experience. And after the first ten or fifteen minutes of "Armageddon", you realize the rush is wearing off. Then the headache sets in.
The plot is improbable at best. If you insist on torturing yourself, I'll leave the details of the climax out. But be warned: this is supposed to be science fiction and, in science fiction, it helps to base the premise on some semblance of science fact. There is none to be found here. I was not convinced that a bunch of brainless, renegade oil-diggers could blast off into space to save the world. Not for a minute. But, like I said, if you insist on buying into a senseless plot about unlikeable characters--and you actually enjoy headaches--then run to your nearest DVD retailer and grab a copy.
Just don't say I didn't warn you!