Celluloid Diarrhoea

Rating: 3/10 (21 January 2000)

I didn't bother spending a penny on it, but my brother happened to see it for a buck on his college campus. So here's what he thought:
Armageddon is by far the worst piece of cinematic trash since Kevin Kostner's, "The Postman." Due to the enormous amount of technical inconsistencies found in this film, the subject will have to be addressed in my upcoming treatise entitled, "How Armageddon Has Violated Science." Sections will include, Astronomy, Mechanics, Statistics, Thermodynamics, etc... The overall experience of watching this movie can be likened to a trip to the bathroom that has suddenly gone awry. At first the s**t flows smoothly: the menace of the approaching asteroid, and the group of characters that will be pitted against it are given their crude and brief introductions. Regular action movie shit. Nothing to sweat about. Then there is an explosion of diarrhoea which refuses to cease the flow of its mucky blobs for an excruciating two and a half hours. It comes in the form of downright moronic characters whose main repertoire of macho yelling and grunting is framed by MTV style editing which alternately flashes images of gray, crumbling asteroid turf (reminiscent of nothing other than feces), and dimwitted faces of the men. Some action sequences filmed this way actually make even less sense than an average music video. In some places it becomes next to impossible to figure out exactly what's going on, even though the movie's outcome is just as predictable as that of Apollo 13's. Could the world really end? Could these idiots actually save the planet? It's obvious that they will, but by they end you wish that they would all perish. Making violent, gutter trash men the heroes of the picture, the movie also does a terrible injustice to women, making them look like whining, insignificant, subordinate nervous wrecks. "Armageddon's" poor quality and its blatant and distasteful use of US patriotism to please audiences places it behind its horrid rival, "Godzilla." After watching both, an intelligent person will become convinced that a generation of people raised on movies such as these would not survive an encounter with an asteroid.