One part acting, fifty parts special effects... then blow it up

Rating: 1/10 (7 January 1999)

You know, the other day I was flushing my toilet and it reminded me of Armageddon. In retrospect I should have saved my seven dollars and took a tour of the scenic east river. I certainly would have found more substance and would have been far more entertained. The two and a half hours I spent watching this movie were two of the worst in my life.
Who did they find to write this movie, a five year old? I've heard better dialogue from the mouth of my two week old, brain damaged parrot. The endless string of one-liners, and the unnecessarily melodramatic scenes between Tyler and Willis were enough to make me sick. The three week old Milk-Dud I found wedged in my seat left a better taste in my mouth.
And hey, did anyone out there figure out why they had those gatling guns on the drill tractors? Was it solely to shoot through the "unbreakable" side of that space shuttle, or were they expecting the Martians to launch a surprise attack? Can you say "plot gap"? Speaking of that space shuttle, did you ever wonder how even one person survived the crash of the shuttle that Affleck was on, much less three? Oh yeah, plot gap.
I suppose the worst part about this movie (and it isn't easy picking one) was the Bruckheimer/Bey formula of blowing everything up. Every time I thought they had an inkling of a plot line going, they'd blow it up. Why was it they threw in that scene of the meteor attack on that Asian city? Was it because people were starting to experience emotions on their own? Can't have that. Ol' Jerry and Mike have to be shoving adrenaline down your throat every second.
For anyone who wants to see this movie, I have a suggestion, get a hangover, run around in a circle, then go blow up a car. It will leave you with the same dazed and miserable feeling of this crap-fest.