Aquaman is... Corny and Terribly Written.

Rating: 3/10 (9 January 2019)

Not being a superhero fan, I was surprised when I was impressed with 2017's 'Justice League.' Aquaman was actually my least favorite character, but the trailers for his own movie showed sea monsters, and that sold it. So I saw it.
For starters, the script (written by David Leslie Johnson-McGoldrick and Will Beall) is absolutely awful. Not only can you predict the outcome of the story from the moment the title comes up, but the dialogue is bone chillingly bad. It is even full of cliches like the "du du DU!" music that plays when the villain says something "scary." It also contains things that I never wanted to see or know, like an octopus playing drums, and apparently Aquaman doesn't wear deodorant.
And then we come to the cast: a fair enough group tainted by terrible lines. Jason Momoa (Aquaman) quotes his ill-timed one liners with all the dignity of smoked ham. So... yeah. Amber Heard (Ariel-Meara) graces the screen as your standard "tough superhero girlfriend" with all the dignity of, again, a smoked ham. Patrick Wilson (the evil Orm) is generally a talented actor, but is ruined by cliche "bad guy" yelling. Willem Dafoe is impossible to take seriously after his role in 'Mr. Bean's Holiday.' Dolph Lundgren rides a giant seahorse - and that's about it. And finally we come to Nichole Kidman, who looks lovely and doesn't botch her lines or performance. She should be apologized to for working with these people.
The visuals are amazing, if a bit overwhelming at times. The most impressive advancement of Atantis is their waterproof make-up. It's almost 2 hours into the movie before we see the creatures promised to us in the trailer. They are truly the highlight of the film and mostly the reason for my 3 star rating.
This is a long, lingering, rather dull movie and only watchable if there's nothing else to rent at the video store: Carson Clay's 'Playback Time.' I mean, uh, 'Aquaman!'