Wonder-man

Rating: 6/10 (14 March 2019)

DC never learn, do they? Well, baby steps. They thought that the success of Wooden Woman would do the trick... and they were right, clearly there aren't enough pirates in the world to show that making bad movies is bad for business.
The first thing I'd like to say is that this movie is extremely dumb. Painfully. Clinically. Not Gravity level, not Prometheus or even Martian. It is Logan level of dumb. The absolute abyss, it is technically impossible to watch this movie and think rationally, so the only survivors either have their brains disabled by default, or had to. Luckily, unlike Logan - this movie is more like Avatar. It's probably the most visual since Avatar. Yes, both Nibber Panther and Infinity Quip were stunning, but... not really visual. The difference is like a game with good graphics and... Subnautica. This makes Aquaman more or less easy to swallow. Indeed, if you do NOT think about what you are watching - this is a fancy popcorn-muncher. Perhaps even worthy of going to some IMAX.
Another very important feature about this movie - is that, unlike Nibber Panther and Wooden Woman, or even Captain Feminist - this movie doesn't seem to have a deep agenda. Sure, there are a few allusions and suggestions, but... I'd hardly compare it to the modern world, because we don't have a "Karathen" and any attempt to replicate such a scenario for politics would hardly be done in CGI. Agenda, propaganda, the things that pollute Martian, Wooden Woman, Nibber Panther, Zootopia, Frozen - they are the first and foremost things that inhibit the suspension of disbelief. Because you are almost ready to give in, when the writers remind you that "hey, this is kinda relatable, dontcha *think*?" The same goes for pretentiousness. Logan, The Shape of Water - when movies actively try to pretend to be something... that also tends to itch for people, who have problems turning their brains off. And that's the thing - Aquaman doesn't have any of that. It's a perfect example of a visually brilliant, sort of fun, filled with action superhero flick. For that - I can sort of agree that it's worth 6\10. It's nowhere near the first Avengers, it's not half as thrilling as the Dark Knight and it doesn't even begin to scrape the surface of the Watchmen, these movies were first of all "whole" movies, with superheroes and CGI being sort of... a background. And that's what truly deserves the peaks of the rating.
Aquaman isn't insightful, it doesn't show anything new. In fact, its plot is even more stupid and painful than Logan. Its characters - a copypasta from Wooden Woman. Most of the "memorable" scenes have a "Blue Steel" face in them, just like Wooden Woman(sorry, Galya Gadot, a model ain't an actress), so you can't really feel the characters, you don't feel anything towards them. There is no danger, no real drama, everything is as artificial, as superficial as it could be. Nichole Kidman washed up ashore? Well, let's get busy. She was hiding? Well, but how does Aquaman learn to do things? Oh, apparently he is trained already. He's fighting the bad guy? Oh, well, skip that part. Then there's some desert quipping, property damage in actually better parts of the world, then they go where they need to go, do things they need to do, chop in a CGI battle and voila - that there's a movie. I've watched a full-spoiler review of this movie before watching, so if you consider this summary a spoiler... I feel sorry for you. Someone has to.
The villains make Lex Luthor look good. I guess Patrick Wilson signed up just because he was told there's an Annabelle cameo. That nibber with his father... That whole scene makes Martha look painless. There are two absolutely, clearly and unmistakably a-hole guys, one of them is allowed to live. Then he gets a chance for revenge. Then he also lives. Okay, I am a racist, but casting him as a Black Manta after Black Panther... seriously, writers, YOU make the world racist. YOU do. Either way, the perpetual survival of this absolutely E-level villain that makes Malekith and Ronan look impressive(and that's saying a LOT) - doesn't help this movie, it only helps to establish an even more stupid sequel.
For all intents and purposes... An effort should've been made to turn Aquaman into the Ocean Master. Because clearly there haven't been any for a while and it's not like anyone but Momoa can do that. Ocean Master... that resounds. That's somehow more meaningful than Starlord. Aquaman? That's a Seaman joke bait. Good for a movie title, I suppose, people wouldn't have 1\5th of a brain to figure out what is the movie about otherwise, but for the movie to end with him accepting the name "Aquaman", a moniker given by hell knows whom, when he clearly has a title... Again, I suppose the target audience wouldn't understand what "Ocean Master" stands for.
Speaking of target audience, I guess the shareholders at DC figured that DC has only one set of powers - the As-Man. So no matter who that is - Cyborg, Batman, Wooden Woman, Aquaman - all heroes need to be some sort of bullet-proof, need to be crushed into buildings and stuff, need to occasionally bleed, need to fly and be super fast. Sure, Aquaman doesn't fly or run. But somehow the only identifier that the movie sort of happened underwater - was the visual background. Otherwise it's absolutely, 101% no different from ... Avengers or Guardians of the Galaxy. People talk, things fly, sounds are heard, you know, bullets, battles, physics and all that. So, yes, Aquaman is about as original as Drax. Okay, scratch that. Drax is a memelord and an actually good character. Aquaman is just Jason Momoa, and his enemy is just Patrick Wilson.
Maybe in a few years - DC would learn to flesh out their characters. Plots. To imagine heroes with more abilities than virtual invulnerability and lasers out of their eyes. Maybe origin stories would have some moments, where the audience would feel something for their heroes, when heroes do actually incredible things. Instead of pulling the sword from the stone. Until then - Seaman is a decent movie to download, worthy of some popcorn and IMAX. But it's not something to write home about. People, who praise it... clearly have abyss-bottom low expectations for DC movies and, in DCEU, ignoring the Dark Knight trilogy - yes, Aquaman is definitely the best movie so far. Sadly, a hero in town is only a commoner in a city, and most people live in cities...