Scale alone doesn't cut it. Even a golden one

Rating: 4/10 (31 March 2019)

Marvel has Thor, and he was larger than life, at least while those charming blond curls lasted. Disney has Frozen, and it was all over the place. What could have DC done to prove that it's them who must be the most shiny and sparkling princesses of this realm? The answer is: to make The Most Epic Film Ever!
Imagine putting together Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Avatar, Black Panther, The Lord of the Rings, TRON, Blade Runner, Hunger Games, Mission Impossible, Fifth Element, G.I. Joe, King Arthur, Jurassic Park, and even Shrek to spruce things up a bit. Then crumb a ton of lesser blockbusters and blockbuster wannabes on top. Sounds terrific, "but will it blend?" Of course it will! With the new WarnerBro 3000, we could mill this into a uniform, fine-grained mess, with giant seahorses, roaring sharks and blaster-wielding steampunk dudes bestriding them.
Some superhero films at least have the decency to pretend to have some sense about them before plunging into the abyss of brain-convulsing insanity, but not Aquaman! Aquaman wants to be a Superman x Deadpool, both unparalleledly badass and unbelievably corny. Aquaman is a champion of heavy submarine-lifting and a wizard of cheesy oneliners. Aquaman flies, Aquaman jumps, he does all but sing Italian opera under the sea - and for that omission alone I'm indeed grateful.
Being a total self-belittling goofus was maybe the only point of indulgence for the Aquaman himself, so at least we don't have to try to watch this farce with serious faces (like we had to with the latest Batman and Superman movies). Maybe if I was a woman, I'd find some another redeeming point about this movie, but seriously, if you just want to watch Jason Momoa look all buff, watch that Conan film instead, you would feel much smarter while you do. Watch this, however, if you've been sitting in a dark cellar for the last fifty years, and you want to recall what colors and moving objects look like. You might even be surprised by the (not so) delicately delivered ecological message - and start reducing, reusing and recycling right away.
And if you do, please go ahead and recycle this trash first. It would make a better confetti filler than it had made a screen one.