"Apocalypse Now" smells every bit as good as it looks

Rating: 1/10 (7 September 2006)

Smug and a self-adorned cine-sophisticate, I rented out Apocalypse Now with a friend ready to scrutinise it with the benefit of my enlightened view of film. It was going to be an hilarious two hours. I'd settled down in a very comfy armchair and had poured a glass of some Austrian glug. I couldn't wait to laugh at the stupid dialogue and that ridiculous script but the joke was on us because Apocalypse Now transcends the established limit of effective urine stealing. This is because its simply so horrible that you can forget trying to make yourself look intelligent and media literate by ripping the bladder evacuate because the scale of misguided conception baffles the mind and eventually shuts it down. It's like being hit by a sack full of bricks in the face for a full 3 hours.
This movie pretty much sucks buh. I was just browsing IMDb to see Harrison Ford, one of my childhood favorites had made any movies I hadn't seen and thus making me want to kill myself for having to see this piece of poop. There's not anything redeeming about this movie, AT ALL. no good times, no heartfelt jokes, not even sappy "awwww" moments. The entire movie is shot is such a dark tone, that half the time you're squinting to see ANYTHING. Freakish/mutant soldiers are hidden away, there's a great lesson right there, hide away those who are different.
1. No storyline, no characters; 2. Mumbled narrative, only trying to "talk things out"; 3. No connection between the scenes, no emphasis; 4. Taking shots from the third-party's point of view while using "someone"'s narration, which goes no where; 5. Too unrealistic about war. One won't try to do nunna dat in daylight. The enemy will not surround one and talk a lot before shoot just because he is a main character. The "slow motion" definitely weaks the point, if there is one; 6. Too much redundancy in the talk. "I know what you are talking, can't you just show me something, bring me the feeling?!"; 7. Anyone with good equipment in such place can make very beautiful screen shots, but the filmmaker obviously lacks the courage to cut some out; 8. For an epic film, "Pearl Harbor" is much better; 9. For a more philosophical movie, go to see "pi", which is far better, although it only cost $6000; 10. New explanation of the theory of relativity: When watching 'Saving Private Ryan', three hours is just like 3 minutes, while watching 'Apocalypse Now', three hours is like 3 days.
I had high hopes for this film. Having rented it I watched it this weekend, popcorn at the ready, waiting for a stupidly funny laugh-riot. How wrong was I? Id read on here that many people hadn't found it funny at all - I was actually quite encouraged thinking maybe it was just too silly or in bad taste that they weren't amused. After a couple good movies I'm surprised Brando agreed to do this.