Scant Man

Rating: 3/10 (19 March 2016)

I must admit I have seen some rather impressive comic based movies lately, that must have lulled me into a false sense of security.
Somewhat new Marvel offering Ant-Man had all the possibilities to be a rather enjoyable adventure action film: a fun concept about a guy changing size, comic books that nobody really cares so the film makers should be able to paint with almost any sort of brush, good actors cast and above all, the movie was reported to be a comedy, so maybe it would give us something more than the usual fare about a loser changing his life for the better through unbelievable super powers (whilst simultaneously learning humility and that Uncle Ben was right). Even the trailer looked quite okay.
And how hard can a disappointment be.
I haven't despised anything related to Marvel Comics this much since X-Men Origins: Wolverine. And even though Ant-Man isn't quite the same mile stone of ineptitude, the curve of annoyance was pretty much stabilized to pretty much the same level.
But let's start with the positive: the movie is, of course, very visually appealing. That is rather expected from a budget this size, but the pomp and circumstance even has some sense of style behind it.
Evangeline Lilly is by far the best the movie has to offer, since her role most resembled a real character. Oh, if only this movie would have been about her. Michael Douglas was there too, somewhere, and he is, of course, a very fine actor. In smaller role we had Bobby Cannavale from the outstanding Boardwalk Empire. Even our main lead Paul Rudd didn't seem to be a completely charisma free, zero-interest lump of wasted resources, and if the script would have been something else than a puddle of repulsive night soil even he might have amounted to something.
There is a scene where Ant-Man battles Falcon, and this moment had a real Marvel Comics -feel to it. Luckily it was over in an instant.
Then to those bad aspects. Somehow I have a feeling this list is going to be longer.
The "humour" of the film - term here applied with it's laxest meaning - was absurdly horrible. As if a modern, American sitcom that had three episodes made before mercifully putting it out of it's misery was submerged with to the worst humorous episodes of Baywatch. Pseudo-clever, nerdy blathering of nothingness with internet terminology sprinkled in. To take a scene straight out of Spider-Man and do it in exactly the same way, but end it in some forcedly awkward one liner is not, has not ever been and will not never ever be funny.
And don't let me start on the so called comic relief characters, that manage to form a level of nail scraping on the black board all by themselves. These three wacky comrades who come from the rogue-like background of our main character and have no reason to reside in the movie after the first few scenes, even get to say their last words in the piece. They act and talk like an internet meme made flesh with satanic magic and pure evil.
No Rob Schneider, no Adam Sandler, no Marlon Wayans has ever been equal to the grotesque awfulness that this movie calls it's side characters. And decides we should care about them on some level. Jar Jar Binks is the best thing that has ever happened to the art form of film making after these dudes.
Before the release of the film people talked about the main character being an anti hero. This is all fine, since I adore anti heroes. But what does this mean in Ant-Man's case? That the protagonist is contained in a prison in the beginning of the film for braking the law for a really good reason.
Goddamn, you guys. Watch Dirty Harry. Watch A Clockwork Orange. Watch Escape from New York. Those films star anti heroes. This is the same, used and abused Spider-Man again with his troubles with family members and endless babbling about the mythology of heroes than always before, now just with a very slightly edgier, calculated finish. No personality to be found here. Uninteresting banana peel on the floor of existence only fitting for a first person shooter video game.
Michael Douglas gets lost into his wannabe Obi-Wan -role, and the most he gets to do is mumble directions to our protagonist's earplug and have at least five obligatory speeches about the importance of heroism, the joy of helping others and blah blah bloody blah.
The antagonist simply could not be any more boring. Characteristicly speaking ethereal, hairless plank of wood. To have a completely unmemorable block of cheese and then have the same powers as the lead for the end is only horribly stupid and unimaginative. Actually it's so sad state of affairs there should practically be a law against it. Doesn't Marvel have enough baddies to put into their movies? Is this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III -style nonsense truly necessary?
In the end, what we have here is a movie equivalent for an atrocious, smoking pile of toxic waste. If you want to see a humorous super hero film, rather watch Steel. Yes. Even that is a better film. Or reward yourselves and see Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, for it is actually funny and has a successful adventure plot. I mean, sure; it's overtly cute fun for the whole family, but so is this.
This much of horrible indifference with no soul is that cancer that threats to engulf the entire fictive entertainment business. This could, and should, have been almost anything but what it is - but then, that would have demanded some imagination and love for the art instead of just shoveling CGI spurts to the faces of the wife beater and stench of sweat wearing audience.