Will frustrate you to no end

Rating: 3/10 (3 August 2018)

It started out fairly okay, but it's quite hard to take a film seriously that focuses so much on philosophical drivel and colourful metaphysical special effects that it loses sight of everything else.
The bad acting, the lack of character and relationship development, the blatant disregard for logic or common sense all in pursuit of making something thought provoking or mind-boggling... It just comes off as a pretentious, over-ambitious, hack of what a science-fiction film should be. Some points that made me feel like I was wasting my time watching this film in no particular order:
1. There's nothing intellectual about it. It is basically a self-indulgence on the part of Mr. Garland where he overextends himself in an attempt to live up to his hype, but falls painfully short. The science, apart from some self-absorbed mumbling about genes and mutations, is nonexistent.
2. The feminist and progressive commentary is certainly present - and quite glaringly so (Lena getting hysterical over Kane mentioned her thinking about him while he was away??) - and that is all fine and well, but at the every least they could have sent an actual military unit along? I mean hey, it could have been an all-female unit, they could come up with a reason for why that is plausible.
3. No protective clothing or gas masks! There was even some talk of radiation exposure before they went in lol! You expect me to believe that this is a legitimate military-government operation when these so-called professionals forego even the most basest of precautionary measures??
4. So you have a team of scientists who happen to be women going into the Shimmer for... research? Collecting samples? Except not a single one of them seemed to be into that idea once they got in - well, apart from a couple of "oh wow this mutated thingamajig is cool" comments from Lena as she played around with the specimens barehanded. No notes, no recordings, zilch. They weren't even interested in watching the videos to the end, which seemed to contain some very crucial information, instead choosing to snap the recorder shut because of how gross it was. The "it's a trick of the light!!" exclamation by the professional medic was definitely funny though.
5. Do you expect me to simply take it in stride that these organisations are wasting their time sending in people with serious emotional issues (the most important one being SELF-DESTRUCTIVE TENDENCIES) whilst expecting them to come back alive? Even the so-called badass psychologist team leader, once in the Shimmer, seemed to have her head in the clouds. Showing zero initiative, making no attempt to keep her team alive, simply walking around in a daze... Is this the literary masterpiece of a screenplay Garland said "OMG this script is the best! I absolutely HAVE to direct this!" to? I mean I'm not ignorant to the whole cancer, refraction, self-destruction etc. metaphors this film tries to establish, but in the end we simply get a piece of visual poetry. This is not compelling storytelling.
6. Should the primary objective of the mission(?) not have been to collect information, extract a few samples, and then GTFO ASAP?? I mean, you know since NONE OF THE OTHER TEAMS MADE IT BACK? Seems to be the most logical course of action - with the highest chance of survivability - would be to NOT try to push on all the way to the lighthouse, that even after a giant mutant crocodile just attacked you! But hey that's just me.
7. By the way, did they really get into boats and paddle their way through a swamp just after the mutant crocodile thing?
8. Point of reference: when you're a 5-person crew, and you have an accessible watchtower with a single point of entry, you put your entire crew in that watchtower and you position a guard on the balcony, guarding that singular entrance. And if a couple of your foolish teammates decide to not take refuge on that watchtower, you do not, I repeat, YOU DO NOT all go clamouring down when one of those idiots says there's trouble.
9. There were some interesting questions raised (and asked in soft, bored tones), but how much does that really mean when no real attempt was made to answer them. All we got were blank-faced replies of "I don't know", "I don't think so", and "Maybe". Brilliant writing.
10. Speaking of the writing, the dialogues were absolutely cringey. With words like "bereavement" thrown around in casual conversation, and forced military jargon spoken with childlike glee (mode of transportation!).
And I could go on and on, but alas there's only so much time I can afford to spend on a review for a film as narratively lacklustre as this one. The film was very pretty, I liked all the bright colours and the human gardens and that gets it a 3 from me. Once again, I get all the nice little metaphors and references hidden in plain sight, they are very clever, Garland deserves a gold star for them, but I do hope he doesn't believe he has created a cinematic marvel with this film. It is not nearly as intelligent or thought-provoking as it tries to make itself out to be.
But hey the creepy zombie bear was cool.