Oh God, not another one...

Rating: Null/10 (26 February 2010)

My dad was a sailor. He used to beat me in Morse Code and spell out I LOVE U in child abuse. But even that experience wasn't as painful as watching this wacky crap. How could the Vatican, which released a statement denouncing "Angels and Demons", find anything in this film offensive?
You want an offensive film, try making one of these hokey religious thrillers about Islam.
Tom Hanks can play an Arabic porn-star who fights to set up a consumer rights agency for suicide bombers. I mean, when you're blowing yourself up for 72 virgins, you better have photographic proof of your prize. The average orgasm lasts 22 seconds, eternity lasts forever. You wanna spend your afterlife with some eyeball bustin' desert tramp?
Screw that, man. Call Tom Hanks at 1800-fund-a-mentalist. Uncle Tom will hook you up with 100 percent prime grade virgins. Photographic and video identification provided. You don't like your virgin stash, then send 'em back. No questions asked. Hanks' Whore House aims to please.
So forget about Mohammed and put your faith in Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks is the Christopher Columbus of crotch. For one hundred bucks, Uncle Tom will mail you 72 of his hottest babes, hymen integrity guaranteed. At those prices, Hanks promises to double Muslim suicide bomber production rates. Imagine, 13 martyrs a day, 91 a week. At that rate we can bomb 4 World Trade Centres a month. Hell, we don't even need martyrs. Just strap bombs to them virgins and buy them a plane ticket.
Yeah man, that's a super-offensive movie I'd pay to see, and I'm sure the Catholic Church would too. They'd probably finance it themselves.
0/10 - Ron Howard, cinematic antichrist.