Grow up, Lester!

Rating: Null/10 (3 May 2001)

Dear Lester Burnam:
I was sorry to hear of your death, mainly because I was very curious to see how your experiment would have ended. You blackmailed your employer for a year's salary. Had you not suddenly died, what were you planning to do? Maybe someone will one day write a 'sequel' to your story, one set in a parallel universe where you didn't die, and after the money ran out, you had to decide what to do next.
It's not surprising you've come to the conclusion that old=bad, teen=good. All the grown ups around you are fools. All the teens are wise and kind. The only real problems the kids have are their loser parents.
Lester, the critics talked about how you chose to purge your life of what is 'bad' and get in touch with what really mattered. They were wrong. You criticize your wife for loving a couch, but a moment earlier, you told her you 'ruled' because you bought a classic car.
I couldn't help but notice that what was 'bad' was invariably grown up, while what was 'good' was invariably youthful. You drift away from your wife and focus on a teenage girl. You give up your mature, responsible job to work at a fast food place. You buy the car you wanted to have as a kid. Lester, the critics have it all wrong. You're not 'improving' your life, you're infantalizing it. You're turning your back on grown up life and trying to act like a kid.
Lester, you are not alone in your youth obsession. Years ago, teenagers went to movies and watched with fascination as grown ups like Cary Grant and Grace Kelly fell in love. Today, people in their forties watch 'Dawson's Creek' and 'Titanic.' It's a new world, one where being a kid is cool and sexy, and being old (my God, forties!) means being dead.
Personally, I'm having none of it. I was miserable as a teenager and I'm looking forward to the rewards of maturity. Rent 'Welcome To The Dollhouse' or 'Lord Of The Flies,' and I guarantee they will cure you of your teenage fascination. Grown up life has a lot of pluses. Raising a daughter is one. A marriage where the years spent together have created a unique bond that no one night stand can come close to is another.

Your failure to make your grown up life work, and your desire to regress to teenhood is not something to feel proud of, Lester. You can't turn yourself into a teen, no matter how hard you try. And even if you could, you shouldn't. The solution to your problems would have been to fix your life. Don't like your job? Quit and find a better one, and not at a fast food place. Don't like your marriage? Don't obsess over teen girls. Get some counseling. And pay attention to that teenage daughter of yours. Grow up, Lester. It's not so bad. I