Moronic sequel to ALIEN

Rating: 1/10 (1 January 2013)

Ridley Scott once made a brilliant SF film called ALIEN - many years later he made an equally brilliant prequel called PROMETHEUS. In the years between, people tried to make their own sequels. One of these people was a man called James Cameron. First, he decided to make his version 'sentimental' by introducing an irritating child that kept screaming so Ripley could say dumb things to reassure it. (Fortunately, David Fincher had the brat killed off in time for HIS version.) Cameron also decided he would have the film dominated by a group of US Marines. These Marines were to have a combined IQ of about minus 5. All the Marines said things like 'Let's go!' and 'Oh my God, what is THAT?' Most irritating of all was Bill Paxton (shame on you!) - he ended every sentence with the word 'man.' Fortunately for the viewer, the aliens soon disembowelled him. The heroine of the film was to be given lines just as bad as the Marines'. The aliens were not scary, no matter how many there were. The spaceships looked second hand. After an hour of this farrago one's eyelids began to close. The Marines shot at the aliens with their huge weaponry. Lance Henriksen got his head blown off, but carried on talking. Happily, when the Marines were killed, death applied to their tonsils too. After this success, Mr. Cameron got to make a three-hour long film about a ship that was perfectly designed. It sank.