The desperate hours

Rating: Null/10 (15 October 2001)

Here's one to provoke the dreaded cliche "that's two hours of my life I won't get back." What would you be doing instead, curing cancer, running for president? No, you'd be lounging around with a joint reading a comic book, so don't complain about 'Alien Resurrection'. It's only an hour of my life I won't get back. Some people do get their life back however, like Ripley for instance. Goodness, she's in need of a trip to the hair salon. Perhaps she went and displeased with the results, burned the stylist's hands off. Her attempts to be a bad girl are embarrassing. The director has a vision. Hire as many actors as possible that will frighten the aliens with their looks. I thought it was supposed to be the reverse. Poor Ron Perlman, a talented actor, is called in to play a grotesque again. But the casting director has screwed up and there is someone fanciable in the mix. So he quickly disappears screaming into a hole and the natural order is restored. But come on, I hear you say, what about Winona Ryder, is she not fragrant? Yes, but she is rendered ugly by profane dialogue which always smacks of desperation. Surprisingly, Buffy maestro Joss Whedon is the culprit. With her pixie face and big eyes looking up at you, Ryder invokes the memory of Bambi, although you wouldn't put up with this from Uncle Walt. "Hey, Thumper, some **** just shot my mummy." - "Now, Bambi, if you can't say anything nice...." No, the F-word is not for Winona, just marshmellows. The cast have big guns and spin around 180 degrees hamming wildly but cannot disguise the lack of story. These are desperate times for actors. Brad Dorif hangs by his finger nails on the outside of the Hollywood lifeboat. Yes, I am old but I have a pony tail, please let me on board. I can do sinister. I can do dead. Please! Oh, alright then. I've never understood the word 'franchise' in respect to film, I associate it with burgers. The budgets plummet. One scene in a space ship cockpit (are they called cockpits?) Seems to have what looks like a painted backdrop outside the window. Look closer and there are probably five sharp edges on the stars and a half moon with a cow jumping over it. Tacky stuff. The plot is confusing. They hired a european director. They hired a French director. It's time to cut one's losses and realise that although there is indeed an hour I won't ever get back there's still time to do something positive with the remaining hour. Like work for world peace. In my sleep.