Moronic film

Rating: 1/10 (22 September 2014)

Where does one even begin? I guess the first thing I want to say is that this film has absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever. There is not a single line of dialogue, a single shot, a single performance or detail that is actually good.
So let's get to the bad things, then.
The director. That deranged, surrealist Frenchman should never have had anything to do with the project.
The script. It is as though it was intended as a kind of parody of the Alien films, which was a horrible idea. But in the hands of the aforementioned director this would-be parody becomes a surreal mess that is simply unwatchable.
The cast/characters. Winona Ryder's character is irritating and irrelevant for the plot. Come to think of it, all of these characters are irrelevant. They just run around while we wait to see how many will make it until the end of the film. Sigourney Weaver is now a psychotic bitch, which means she talks nonsense and none of her actions seem to have a discernible motivation. Dan Hedaya plays a general whose character is straight out of a cartoon. Seeing him do these comedic bits is probably the first shocking thing. A film that starts like a straight horror in space takes a strange turn as soon as he enters the stage, and the confusion thus created never ceases. Of course, the confusion and incredulity are exacerbated by further...
...Nonsensical moments. A guy fires a gun at an angled surface on the ceiling, thus shooting an adversary. This is straight out of Looney Toons. To make it more baffling, that same character cannot hit an alien from three feet away, even after unloading an entire clip at it. Then he falls into a pool of water and everyone assumes he is dead. Why is he dead? Can he not swim back to the surface? Who knows. And who cares? The director certainly doesn't care, so why should we? But let's look at the very basics: They are running this super secret, expensive project... which relies on services provided by space pirates. They breed aliens that bleed acid... in containers that are not resilient to acid. They are a military facility, crawling with troops, yet they never even attempt to contain the escaped aliens. For some reason, they just run for their lives without even taking the time to assess the situation. Was that their emergency plan from the start? Run for your life? And just to make things even more interesting, the ship is programmed to return to Earth... in case deadly aliens break loose, making the entire garrison flee in disarray. Great idea. By the way, although the ship is supposed to be far away, far from sight of the various government agencies, it makes the trip to Earth in a matter of hours. I guess it makes sense the crazy Frenchman took the job as the director - no one else would touch it, while he clearly couldn't care less about plausibility and saw the whole thing as a way of shoving in some of his favourite implausible plot elements. I'd like to point out another inconsistency here: the plot only seems to remember aliens bleed acid when it needs the acid to be used to make the aliens escape or to help Ripley cut something open with her own, acidic blood (the result of cloning). In other situations, aliens that have been shot dead do not bleed acid. The script simply doesn't care.
The alien hybrid. Apparently alien has been fused with human DNA and is now being born like a human baby, and looks like Pumpkinhead. You don't know whether to laugh or just feel uncomfortable watching that thing.
The lesbian overtones. Ripley is not only psychotic, apparently she is now a lesbian as well. I guess they thought that they could score some points for that. But Ripley looks godawful and frankly watching her make sexual advances towards that little twerp Wiynona Ryder is just creepy.
Boring. Yes, it's boring. We couldn't care less about the characters - in fact, they are quite unlikable so we might find ourselves cheering for the aliens to get them. And when they do get them, it doesn't involve suspenseful scenes. The only action scene people will remember from this film is the one where they are being chased by aliens under water. It's interesting to see aliens swim, but then again, they do not look convincing at all. They are being chased by CGI.
Ending. I have no idea how it ends. I have seen this film several times and by the time Pumpkinhead makes its appearance I am sick of it. By the time we get to about ten minutes before the end I can't take it any more. I know how it ends, though, but only because I have seen some reviews of the film on Youtube. I literally cannot endure to watch this nonsense until the end.
So there you have it. You still want to watch this thing? It just occurred to me that I somehow still haven't been able to explain just how awful the viewing experience of Alien Resurrection is. I guess that final touch of awfulness comes from the French auteur himself. Think of Alien Resurrection as a cinematic turd with an attitude.