For the love of God, why, Ridley? WHY???

Rating: 2/10 (5 June 2017)

Alright, I've had a few days to reflect upon Alien:Covenant, a few days to simmer down, let the rage subside, and hopefully write a rational and carefully crafted review of this abomination of a film. Notice, I wrote "hopefully". Here goes - first off, whose bright idea was it to cast Danny McBride? Huh? Seriously. OK, the dude is somewhat funny when he sticks to his bread and butter role of stoner, slacker, foul mouthed dirtbag. Trying to branch out into drama? Come on, man. You're not that good. Stick to being a side kick for James Franco and Seth Rogen. You're out of your element in sci-fi. Next up - that sad-sack Waterston. I'm sure she is a fantastic actress, but why have her play the role like a limp, lame, unconvincing, droopy-eyed, sorry to be here, but all of a sudden a determined tough as nails leader. Sorry. Didn't believe it for a minute. And for strike 3 - Billy Crudup. Now, I like Billy. But, like McBride, he's out of his element here in sci-fi. Fassbender is, well, Fassbender. Can't go wrong with him, but we all know that.
Now for ridiculousness in no particular order, just questions from my stream of consciousness - traumatic -cinematic experience. Why are these astronauts, scientists, colonists, marines, whatever, so effing stupid? Why? Why, Ridley, why did you have xenomorphs popping out of chests, backs and growing at super exponential rates? And don't give me this bullsh*t about David making different hybrids. That's completely lazy-ass writing. I'm embarrassed for you, for the actors, for the writers, and everyone else associated with this turd of a film. And for the love of God, how is it that the Engineers - a seemingly superior race, all happen to congregate in one freakin' place on their planet for David to wipe them out so easily? And if they're so advanced as to create these viral plagues and flying spaceships that look like overbaked croissants, why do they look and dress like they're from ancient Greece or Rome? Huh? They all just happen to live in a 2 mile radius on that planet? None live anywhere else, huh? Give me a f'king break. And finally - a shower sex scene, huh? Really? I mean, really?? I think Ridley is just an old man pervert and wanted to get the two actors naked so he could jerk on his shriveled up, xenomorphed member while that scene was filmed. I bet he told them he needed 6 or 7 "takes" to get it just right. Absolutely pathetic.