The feeling you have when you learn there is no Santa Clause

Rating: 1/10 (18 May 2017)

That feeling sucks. You've waited and waited, Christmas comes, and not only do you not get what you want, but you learn there is not Santa. That is how I feel having just seen Alien Covenant. Boy did I want this movie to be good, even possibly great. I left the theater wondering if this is the end of the franchise? Probably not. Heck, I'll probably still pay for the next one if I can get over AC. Nothing makes sense in this film. Starting with the story. Inside of 15 minutes we learn the Covenant, a colony ship carrying 15 crew and 2000 colonists, is altering its plan on which planet to colonize. The ship's number 2 in charge is the only voice of "are we sure this is a good idea". It takes two more weeks from when we first meet the crew to get to this alternate planet but the film doesn't bother to introduce us to characters now or at any point. Boom, they just arrive at the location. Once on the crew lands, trouble shows up and fast. This is when the only real intense scene happens and if you watched the first online trailer you've seen it. The film rapidly goes down hill from there. We've got the Covenant ship holding above the planet and the smaller survey ship with all but three of the crew on the ground. Survey ship gets trashed, now we have marooned crew. More danger arrives until a mysterious figure fires a flare and scares off the otherwise unstoppable beasts. We learn who the mysterious figure is and our marooned crew starts wandering off from one another one by one, ending up dead. There is a severe storm keeping the marooned crew from being rescued by the Covenant thus allowing time for more of the crew to just wander off and die. Our mysterious figure has been stranded for 10 years, playing with black goo, and making bad creatures. One android shows another how the play the flute, one android attempts to and may actually kiss another android. Finally the Covenant crew members figure out a way to reach the remaining marooned crew to pick them up and get back to the Covenant. At this point of course the audience knows an uninvited guest has managed to get on the ship. The uninvited guest gets removed in a familiar fashion and we're left with two crew going to cryo-sleep and one android. Android is watching over the Covenant as the android and Mother plot a course to the planet originally targeted for colonization. So, the combination of crappy plot, zero character connection, not much acting, next to zero terror, purely ridiculous solo death scenes, androids playing a flute and kissing, and one naked couple shower scene after all the crap they have been through....and Ridley Scott has made himself the ultimate Alien franchise killer called Alien Covenant. I'd ask for my money back but an apology and promise to do better next time will do.