The Movie That Opened My Mind

Rating: 2/10 (9 June 2017)

Wow. I walked out of the theater in appreciation for Alien 3 and 4 so much that I increased 3's previous score of a 5 to a 6. And 4's 5 to a 7. (Man, I miss Whedon when he was not doing those trashy Marvel movies. And Jean Pierre Jeunet when he was not..what the heck is he even doing?) I miss Alien when it was just kick butt and full of suspense. I wanna see some chick shoot a Xenomorph with a six-barreled shotgun or a laser rifle, not see some synth martial arts or hear some basic philosophy that I began to hear much of in these recent years. Oh my God! The synths! They can think for themselves! Let's see...where have I heard something like that before? 2001: A Space Odyssey, Westworld, Blade Runner, Battlestar Galactica, Mass Effect (Hey, the plot for Prometheus was eerily similar to ME's!), Eva, Real Humans, The Machine, Ex Machina, that movie that came out right after Ex Machina or before, you forget because they're all the same, oh wait it was The Machine. The remake of Real Humans called Humans, The New Westworld, Kara, the game coming out based on Kara. And the beginning of it all, the book Do Andriods Dream of Electric Sheep?
Yeah, Ridley Scott stated that it going to be more of horror and suspense like the first one. Hey Scottie, how about you lay off making unnecessary prequels and just retire to a nursing home. Everybody wants Alien 5 directed by Neill Blomkamp! Not another film by you! (God, I honestly hope he dies before he finishes Alien Craprequel 2.) The only little horror and suspense I felt was at the beginning. The spore Xenomorphs. Geez, hate for that to exist. And there's actually something like that that does exist! Stachybotrys or Aspergillosis, don't worry no Alien with pop out your spine! I would really hate for some sicko to experiment on that! But this leads to the question, why didn't the crew wear any protection for the planet they landed on? Sure it's ideal and Earth-like but they would take caution right? And hey! It's not like they're carrying thousands of people on their ship! Right? Wow! Even worse than Prometheus protocols, didn't think it was possible but here we are! Hopefully, we won't have idiots like them in our future! When the Earth is dying and the fate of humanity rests on their shoulders!
Anyway, after that I fell down a rabbit hole of predictability. If you could just predict what they would say next, or know the events beforehand, are these movies just getting worse and worse? Or are you psychic? The movie kept repeating the same "haunting" tone in a Jason kinda way, whenever a Xenomorph appeared. It got annoying. Fast. There was a woman sitting next to me, and she was hysterical, more entertaining than the movie itself! She just kept mumbling, "Is it over yet? This is just boring." After that I think she said to her date or brother or dad or whatever that she was going to bathroom. She never came back! Haha! Poor man! He had to watch the rest of the movie! Oh a minute, that's what I did too, what we all did...ah shame.
I mean, I tried to like this movie. I even tried focusing on Ridley Scott's directing style, how he would always have a blurred inanimate object in the middle, how his characters would never be in the middle while they talked, always on the left and right. But holy crap then I noticed, not only is the movie boring but so is the cinematography work. It's amateurish, low budget-styled, slow, very slow, this movie felt longer than Cleopatra (1963). And the script was just pretentious, blah blah piano, classical music, existentialism, don't have to make much sense, leave people in confusion, high score on Rotten Tomatoes is all we need. There was nothing special about it. There is nothing special about this movie. It really got me thinking, what if Wes Anderson directed an Alien movie? What if Nicolas Winding Refn directed one? At least it would be entertaining. The CGI work is nice, not if you think of how the Xenomorphs were made in all the previous Aliens! These days it's put up a green screen and call it a day. Nice work guys! You all put the legendary H.R Giger to shame!