The Space Island of Dr. Nomore

Rating: 4/10 (20 May 2017)

When the theatrical version feels more like the ultimate-extended- special-director's cut, you know the editor took too many PTO days.
The weeks leading up to Alien: Covenant's release, I revisited all seven previous Alien films, including the Verses Predator installments and even with that, I watched this movie on its own merit. I knew even beforehand, you can't simply top the incredible first two films (Alien and Aliens,) but I was hoping for at least an overall competent film and a closer prequel to the original Alien.
Eh. While it was well shot, the ferociously long and unneeded scenes, the completely retreaded plot, the paper-thin and boring characters and the "twists" that a five-year-old who's never been exposed to any of the franchise films would see coming an hour before they landed all made the movie a chore to get through.
A colonization ship headed into deeper space than Deep Space Nine hears (shocker) a distress call and heads to the planet/source to investigate. Wow, they landed on paradise – an even better planet to colonize than previously sought out. What could possibly go wrong?
Well, more unnecessary long shots like learning to play the flute! or scenes designed to shock you later but are just as obvious as the reveal. Oh, and the title character enters the story in about the same timeframe as Peter Jackson's King Kong does.
If this was meant for a trilogy and the final film, or the next one, is the actual connection to 1979's Alien, I'm not even sure if I want to see it. I vowed not to compare this film to the others, but since this is directly linked to Prometheus, I can say that one, despite its own problems, is oodles better. Better cast, better characters, more beautifully shot, more suspense and wonder did Prometheus contain. Alien: Covenant had only a fraction or less of any of those qualities.
Now. It wasn't a complete waste. It was still competently made in the visuals, though not so much the little aliens. And it did give the highly annoying pricks behind me some obnoxious laughs during the tense scenes. So, there's that.
Can't really recommend it even when it could just be a throw-away Alien film to watch on Netflix in a few months. Maybe they'll have the non- ultimate-extended-special-director's cut that the studio meddled with to see. Now THAT, I would've rather seen.
***
Final thoughts: Since I did just watch (now) all 8 films, here's how I'd rank them:
1. Aliens (Director's Cut)
2. Alien (Theatrical Cut)
3. Alien3 (Director's Cut)
4. Prometheus
5. Alien: Resurrection (Theatrical Cut)
6. Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
7. Alien vs. Predator
8. Alien: Covenant