In space, no one can hear you groan...

Rating: 1/10 (5 July 2017)

Alien: Covenant Alien: Covenant sucks. There, I've just saved you over two hours. You don't even have to read the rest of this, because in the end, that is what have to say. That is all I have to say. Alien: Covenant sucks. It sucks hard. But Alien: Covenant sucks in a very sneaky kind of way. It seems like a pretty good movie, almost like a return to the original movie, for the first 90 minutes or so, and then it falls back on the same stupid premise of Prometheus, the prequel to the original movie. Alien: Covenant is in fact the sequel to a horrible prequel. It ends up relying on one of those M. Night Shamalmawhatshisface "What a twist!" endings that only a lobotomy would prevent any semi intelligent viewer from seeing coming a mile away, and which the characters would have to be semi morons not to see, and of course they don't. I don't know what happened to Ridley Scott. Maybe he ran out of good ideas. Maybe he got trapped in the Hollywood formula mill. Or maybe he's just collecting paychecks at this point. He used to be a pretty good film maker. The first Alien film is one of the great monster movies of all time. But somewhere along the line he stopped letting the most disturbing parts of his films be what we don't see and started insisting on showing us all the money that he's spending on special effects. Great horror, great drama happens in the mind of its audience. It is hinted at, never fully revealed. In the same way that we were never fully shown Rosemary's Baby or the shark in Jaws, it was the hints of the creature glimpsed in shadows and darkness that made the first Alien great and Scott just doesn't seem to know how to do that anymore, or doesn't want to do that anymore. I don't know why an actor as good as Michael Fassbender insists on being in so many bad movies. I don't know why Ridley Scott keeps trying to make the same bad movie over and over again. And I don't know why I watched this movie all the way through. I really don't. But maybe I can save you from the same mind numbing and annoying fate. Don't watch this movie. Watch any of the first three Aliens again, and be happy that we got those. Because it just got a lot worse after that. I'll say it again. I'll say it as many times as it takes to keep you from suffering the same fate that I did. Because in space, no one can hear you groan. Alien: Covenant sucks. It really really sucks. Just trust me on that.