Alien... This time its snore...

Rating: 5/10 (14 May 2017)

I don't even know where to begin with this one. I wasn't impressed with Prometheus and I had hoped...hoped... that lessons had been learned from that monstrosity. But clearly the only take-away that Ridley Scott had from the reaction to that movie was "People want more Aliens!" So we come to Alien Covenant. A movie filled with forgettable characters whose deaths (almost always the result of their own stupidity) are tiredly predictable and completely avoidable.
Remember in Prometheus when all the "scientists" do really dumb things purely in the name of pushing the plot-driven mess ahead? Well, prepare for so much more of the same in Covenant. It's as if they have no training in space exploration at all and are just regular Joes that have been fired off into space. No...scratch that. Regular Joes would have far more common sense than the crew in this movie. They should have name the movie Alien: Incompetence.
They open doors on alien worlds without checking for microorganisms, prod plants that release spores that they then inhale and only answer the radio with vague responses instead of concise answers. The list is pretty endless and all it does it to make you glad that they all die off horribly.
Of course, the writers are to blame. This is another example of the increasing trend towards "Get the characters to do something to further the plot" regardless of how retarded those character actions appear to anyone with a brain stem. All that matters is driving the plot forward. Never mind about common sense.
Speaking of the characters, you really won't care about any of them. The characters in A:C are so thinly sketched as to be essentially invisible. You won't get to know them, or even their names for the most part. That's because they have been written with the same lack of attention as the teenagers in a slasher flick. They are there purely to die in various ways, so why bother fleshing them out? That was the mentality here. Also, good luck trying to guess who is who's partner in this "couples" expedition into space. That, unsurprisingly, is also not bothered with.
Another thing...CGI aliens. Sometimes looking as bad as they did in Alien 3, but always unconvincing. But as bad as the CGI was, it pales into insignificance next to Scott's explained genesis of the xenomorphs. It's lame, and is on the same level as George Lucas' midichlorians reveal. We didn't need to know this. They were better as monsters of unknown provenance. The reveal was terribly insulting.
So, as you can tell, Alien Covenant is a hot mess. If all you want is aliens ripping people apart you are well served here, but if you wanted a coherent story, with likable characters and a satisfyingly muttered "Oh! Is it over?" at the end then look elsewhere.
I can't help but wonder what Neil Blomkamp's alien film might have looked like. I suspect it would have been far more enjoyable and worthwhile. But no, we got Ridley "It's my franchise!" Scott and his increasingly desperate attempts to prove he is still a decent director.
Here's a thought, Ridley? Why not actually read through the screenplay before you start shooting it. That way, you might actually notice it is dumb and be able to do something about it.
EDIT: I forgot to mention the tiny lickle baby aliens that sprout from hosts now. Fully formed, miniature versions of the adults. Did Ridley just forget how they looked before this? Is this what dementia looks like? Joking aside, when you are making a horror movie and a monster bursts out of a hapless victim, the last thing you expect a viewer to do is go "Aah! It's so cute!"
SUMMARY: Makes you want to say "Come back AvP, all is forgiven. Lessons learned from Prometheus = 0. This franchise needs either a long rest, or a director/writers that really care about it. Not really worth your money.