Massive disappointment

Rating: 1/10 (23 May 2017)

Where to start with this mess?
It's almost as if the team behind this junk said "how can we make the worst possible alien movie ever?"
I know, let's steal the opening credit sequence and music from the original Alien because people will recognize that and then we wouldn't have to come up with our own unique identity. We can just bank on the nostalgia of the original and everyone will love it because they don't want original things.
Let's have the crew get a random radio transmission and change their course just on a hunch that it might be a better place for the colony even though they should clearly be sticking to their carefully thought out plan. Let's have them not even tell home base. Let's not have them wait or check the surface with robots, let's just have them go straight down to the surface, even though it could take days to fully assess the situation. They just go down there right away cause the crew is too scared to get back into their pods because that one random guy died. Yeah, this isn't contrived at all. And on top of that, they won't even wear spacesuits. That's right, no protective suits on a planet they've never been to before. But hey, at least they have guns.
Let's have this other random guy immediately split up with the crew and walk around like an idiot and get infected with tiny spores, even though if he'd been wearing a helmet he probably wouldn't have gotten infected at all. Let's have the guy immediately start getting sick and vomiting blood. The two other crew members will help him aboard the ship and the only thing one of them says is don't have him touch anything on the way to the room they take him to. Then his skin turns white and he starts convulsing. We're gonna have them not even strap him down or anything. Then the other lady will lock the one other lady in the room with the sick guy and they both immediately start freaking out even though it's totally unearned. No protocols, no procedures to follow it's just pandemonium, anything goes.
So then the lady in the med-bay gets killed by the sick convulsing guy cause she got locked in there with him and the monster breaks loose. The other lady on the ship will shoot the alien on the inside of the ship and hit a gas tank that blows the whole ship to pieces. Nice. Oh and another guy gets infected too, so now we have two monsters running around. Next let's have David from Prometheus come out of nowhere and lead the crew to safety. There will be engineer corpses everywhere and even though it's obvious David can't be trusted let's have the crew split up. They don't even ask any questions or regroup, nothing like that, just all split up in a creepy place they've never been to before. Oh and there's a Michael Fassbender android with a southern accent so he and David can be friends and they have awkward scenes together with a flute, they kiss, and have a very lame karate chop fight.
Let's have Elizabeth Shaw from Prometheus be killed off screen in a really cheap way. Anyone who actually liked Prometheus won't even get any answers to their questions. And let's have David actually be the one who creates the aliens, and he even kills all the engineers, wipes them completely out. Now the entire movie Prometheus makes even less sense and is pointless, great. So then we're gonna have all these pretentious bible references and talks about creation and philosophy cause that's exactly what people came to see when they bought a ticket to an Alien movie. Yep. Let's have the idiot captain follow David into a dark tunnel after he just saw a decapitated dead girl and even saw David being friendly with the alien and then got mad at him when he killed it. Let's have him listen to David and stick his head over an opening Alien egg. Mhmm this guy isn't dumb at all. Now the alien will burst out of his chest in 5 seconds instead of taking a day like in the original. No rules, no logic, it's whatever goes.
Next let's have the remaining crew not even confirm the android's identity and make sure that Walter isn't actually David even though they look exactly alike because somehow David was able to cut his long blonde hair exactly like Walter's short brown hair even though it would've taken a professional barber with a razor to do that. He makes himself look exactly like Walter in less than 30 seconds. Yes, this is so good.
Let's have the alien lose all it's mystery and allure because we are gonna explore the origins of it and it shows up for 10 minutes in the movie looking like an insect from a computer game. So good.
Then we're gonna actually steal scenes and lines of dialogue from the original Alien because people loved that movie and it will remind them of that. Oh and those other two throwaway crew members are having sex in the shower, even though they should be dealing with the crazy stuff going down, but are too stupid to do their jobs and they decided to go for a quickie so we can have a really cheap slasher movie scene where they get killed in the shower. Yeah.
Oh and then we're gonna do a twist that everyone can see coming from a mile away where Walter is actually David and he's been given full access to the ship by a couple of imbeciles.
This movie sucks. It makes zero sense and it's a slap in the face to anyone who calls themselves a fan of the Alien franchise.