'Alien: Covenant' and 'Passengers': Professional Crew

Rating: 2/10 (6 July 2017)

EXT. - DEEP SPACE - MORNING
Gigantic Mothership flies through space. Camera dives into one of the dozens of illuminators.
INT. CAPTAIN'S ROOM - MORNING
Where CAPTAIN drinks his morning coffee and reads reports. Multiple monitors in front of him show rooms where crew members reside.
Captain: Good morning crew, ready for the morning Checkup? Arthur!
Arthur: (Runs on a treadmill) Good morning, Captain. All systems are functional. A couple of glitches, nothing serious, fixed on the spot.
Captain: Every glitch is serious, Mr Senior Engineer.
Arthur: Sir, normal tear and wear, parts replaced and tested.
Captain: OK. Log and track for similar incidents, find the cause. Schmidt!
Schmidt: (panting) Sir?
Captain: Are you having sex with Dr Watson? I see your room cameras are off, and both vitals are very elevated.
Schmidt: (stops) Yes, Sir.
Captain: Status?
Schmidt: About to finish, Sir.
Captain: Security protocols' status!!
Schmidt: All Security protocols are maintained.
Captain: Clearly they are not. Crew members can't be in relationships, it jeopardises the whole mission. You are both going to hibernation and will join the colonists upon arrival. Report to a conference room in 10 minutes. Make it 20.
Schmidt: Yes, Sir. That was the plan. We're getting married.
Jim: Ha! 20 minutes, what a compliment! a couple of minutes tops.
Schmidt: Shut up, Jim! Sir, would you do the honours?
Captain: Sure. As a captain of this ship, I can issue a marriage certificate. Emily?
Watson: Cryostats, check. Colonists, check. Replacement Crew members, check. Embrios, check. A couple of facehugger embryos were found again in section 2235C. And destroyed, obviously. Again. Jim Harper has nothing better to do than to cook Xenomorphs in his so-called lab at the Corporation's expense.
Jim: What? Emily, I had nothing to do with it!
Watson: I have one of your lab androids throwing up mini-facehuggers in the embryo section! Everything is recorded on security cameras!
Captain: Jim, what are you, 12? Stop with this Alien nonsense! Focus! What's the status on androids?
Jim: It's Number 17, 'David', Sir.
Captain: What's wrong with him?
Jim: Ever since he fell into the septic tank with 'black goo' fertiliser, he has been asking me weird questions.
Captain: Like?
Schmidt: 'Are all scientists idiots like you?'. That's a legitimate question.
Jim: Shut up, Romeo. He asked me if he could play on the piano. And something about creation. I ran extensive diagnostics, didn't find anything. Just the flute.
Captain: Hate these glitches. The second one in ten years. Piano, ha?
Jim: Yes, sir. Wagner. 'Gods penetrating Walhalla', or something.
Captain: And flute? What's next, murder everybody? Schmidt!
Schmidt: Yes, Sir.
Captain: What is the security protocol for this situation?
Schmidt: Paragraph #1135A, rule 17. Android with any deviation from the protocol exceeding 2 delta psi must be immediately destroyed.
Jim: Can I sell it to 'Prometheus' for half a price, Sir? They need an android, and we have too many.
Captain: No! Eject its creative ass out of my ship. Accounting! Pam!
Pam: (boxing) Yes, Sir.
Captain: Log the event in today's invoice. Update the android inventory.
Pam: Done, and done, Sir, Jim contacted me already.
Captain: Where is my favourite lawyer? Leland?
Leland: (reads a book) Here, Sir.
Captain: File a formal complaint with Wayfart Corporation. We have to cover our corporate ass.
Leland: Done, Sir, filed and sent this morning.
Captain: Good. OK, crew. Any complaints or concerns?
Jim: Leland has a crush on Sophia.
Captain: Who is Sophia?
Jim: Colonist # 25,998. Botanist.
Leland: Screw you, Jim.
Jim: What are you going to do, sue me?
Captain: Leland, can you get over it, or do you want to get in hibernation and properly meet her at the Colony when we arrive?
Jim: He wants to wake her up and marry her now. Can't wait two years.
Captain: Leland, we can't do it, cargo insurance will jump through the roof.
Pam: I ran numbers. We can't afford it.
Leland: I will get over it. We can't wake her, liability, moral clause, blah-blah-blah. And she doesn't even know my name.
Captain: Attaboy. Shrink!
Cathrine: Yes, Captain. He is going to be fine in 20 +-3 days. It's just a grossly inappropriate fling.
Captain: Keep monitoring. Leland, I'm revoking your access to cryogenic sections of the ship. You shouldn't have it in the first place. Schmidt, you're on fire today! Two strikes!
Leland: Understood.
Captain: Let's organise a farewell party for our love birds, won't see them for a couple of years, at least. Jim, you do it.
Jim: On it. I'm the best man. We should thaw Sophia up for the bachelor party.
Leland: When we land, I'm going to ask the captain to send you on a surface recon before your androids - and without a helmet. Hope you meet a facehugger. He'd shut you up.
Captain: Schmidt, Watson, you will keep your positions with a warning, and train the replacement as soon as Mother confirms candidates. OK everybody, at ease. Back to your routines. We are in the orbit of New Hope, phase III roll-out tomorrow! Remember, we will orbit for only two years before landing, no time for screw ups!