Might as well bash yourself in the face with a hammer for 2 hours

Rating: 1/10 (3 August 2017)

This review may contain spoilers!
I'll go ahead and get this out of the way. I am one of the people who hated Prometheus. It looked great, started off okay but then ran in its own shadow to its doom. Alien Covenant is honestly not even in the same ball park at Prometheus. Not even the same planet.
It's insulting really. To be expected to sit through 2+ hours of this drivel. It's almost a parody. It's more akin to the "Scary Movie" franchise than Alien. Who makes decisions like these characters? How did they survive to adulthood in this universe let alone be able to pilot a spacecraft into the deepest reaches of space?
Things learned from Alien Covenant:
When exploring alien planets, dress like you're on a Kardasian African Safari. Space suits are heavy and bandannas are badass. No space suits or protective gear? No problem!
You know what stops a back-burster? A hug. That's all you need to stop a xeno from erupting from your body, a simple hug from a buddy.
There sure is a lot of blood in that containment pod your friend is getting eaten in. Might want to run in there all nimbly bimbly and fire off a few rounds, you won't slip! Those are super nice boots you've got. No slipping here.
Whew, we just fought off some weird aliens and a few of us died in this field. Hey! We'd better follow the strange cloaked guy through the FIELD OF A BILLION CORPSES TO THIS BASEMENT LAYER.
Hey, we just found out that this dude is really not that trust-worthy. He's actually a malfunctioning AI with a god complex. What's that you say? The basement? FUN! What's that egg thing? Nothing? It's totally safe? I should look in it after it creepily opens up? Well don't mind if I do!
You know what I want to do right after most of my crew has been horribly killed and we just escaped back to our ship? BONE! Oh yeah! Lets get naked in the shower and BONE.
I honestly cannot even remember any of the characters names other than David/not David.
THEY CAN'T EVEN GET THE ALIEN RIGHT. Holy crap. Build the damn thing out of rubber and awesomeness. Don't CGI the damn xeno. Just throw some money at it right? Wrong!
Maybe that's what really sticks in my craw about this movie. Rather than take all the potential that a movie like this had and produce something with substance, Scott gave us this steaming pile of soul- less rubbish.
I hope to god Scott doesn't mess up Blade Runner like he has Alien.