The Prognosis Is In And It Isn't Good

Rating: 3/10 (19 May 2017)

Firstly let me get this out of the way. I love Alien. I adore Aliens. I find Alien 3 and Resurrection to be good thrilling films. Prometheus was one of my favorite films of 2012 because it delved deep into the mythology of the Alien-verse. It give us something deeper and mysterious to ponder over. It's like the Silmarillion, it was Ridley Scott attempting his own mythopoeia, taking a new cerebral and darker direction in the fantasy realm..
Alien: Covenant on the other hand is an appalling film. It's a rehash of Alien (1979) except the characters are one-dimensional clichés and absolutely forgettable and bland. Calling them one dimensional would be a compliment, they are far worse. The film is full of contrivances and clichés that want to forcefully elicit emotions. It is so indelicately handled that it will make you want to puke. Back to the characters, they are boring, they have no purpose and their presence is just an excuse for a mind-numbing blood-fest. I didn't care about the characters, their decisions were questionable and I means seriously idiotic, the dialogue was wooden and unlike the other films in the series, there wasn't an urgency for survival. There were too many characters and you just don't get to know any. And since killing them all off is the purpose of the film and the film is approx. two hours long, they have only a few minutes of wasted screen-time.
The story is beyond predictable, laughable even, ridiculous. If you don't see the plot twists coming from a mile away, you weren't paying enough attention or you simply were bored and dozed off, I wouldn't blame you for either because this film is rather dull. Let us not even call them plot twists, they are too stupid and obvious to be called that. Suggesting there is a semblance of a plot is a compliment. There is no story. I feel like there was a creative drought because you've seen all this before.
The alien has always been a pop-culture and horror icon. It barely gets screen time in this film and when it does it isn't scary, thrilling, suspenseful or fun. It is just a mindless killing machine that kills quickly and moves on with no terror or sense of dread built in. If I am making comparisons, it feels like the last two Jaws sequels. It's like a B-movie or a tenth rate slasher movie. The alien in this movie is a plot device or better yet, a cameo. The alien was a bore and when the alien who has been a source of dread for decades is a snore, there is a huge problem. It served no purpose, and I reiterate that the actual alien is only on-screen for a few lousy minutes.
I loved the world building, imagination, fantasy elements, mythology and mystery of Prometheus. This film throws it all out of the window. It makes me question the point of Prometheus. It completely does away with all the intrigue and though-provoking questions from Prometheus within seconds to get to the cheap gore. It was such a cop-out. They just decided to do away with all the interesting elements.
It's just another glossy CG bore fest. If you've watched Alien then this is an awful remake but with very little of the titular alien and none of the suspenseful horror or intelligence. In addition it is rushed to the point of incoherence. A lot about it doesn't make sense. It tries to tie-in with Prometheus in the most silly way after which it does away it's connection to that film by pretending that Prometheus never even happened and it takes on a new and hackneyed direction. I was left with so many questions about how the ending of Prometheus could lead to this mess but I guess the point was to write out Prometheus and go back to well worn sci-fi tropes. Easily one of the biggest disappointments of the year. I left the theater feeling rather upset and let-down.