Great idea, badly done, but tolerable

Rating: 5/10 (9 December 2004)

AVP was hyped as much as the second coming. 2 of the biggest sci-fi horror franchises coming together in an amalgamated effort designed to cash in on both's fanbases while hopefully not alienating (No pun intended) either market. Freddie V Jason had already been, and frankly was quite a pleasing effort which managed to be both entertaining and gory while being acceptably contrived. So in the same vein comes AVP which sees a fairly mediocre cast brought together as a group of scientific experts on a mission headed by Weyland, boss of Weyland industries, played by Lance Henrikson (In pretty much the only single homage to either franchise) whose imaging equipment has uncovered something big in Antarctica. On the mission to explore it things start to go predictably awry, and before long it's a battle between aliens and predators for something or other.
There's no doubt this film was great on paper - a cataclysmic battle between 2 of the biggest movie warrior-types around would make for a great movie if done properly. Problem is, not enough good work went into this.
Firstly the dialogue is quite toe-curlingly embarrassing. Lines like 'I'd rather have a gun and not need it than not have a gun and need it' serve to make you cringe, and conversations between characters are absolutely appalling at times with some of them laughing where there's nothing even funny.
Secondly the level of star here is truly b-movie rate. Even Lance Henrikson's appearance doesn't improve it much. Sure, there are plenty of folk you'll recognise, but their names will more often than not escape you. Only Ewan Bremner as Miller sprung to mind, and that was because I'd seen him in Snatch, and am myself Scottish so I know him.
Lastly is the truly boring direction and camera work. For such allegedly exciting content AVP doesn't half do a good job of boring you rigid. It never grips you, it never amazes you, it barely even entertains you. Appallingly drab and 'by-the-numbers' direction and camera work makes dead sure of that.
The last 20 minutes have to be seen to be believed, and while we can all take a little cheese in sci-fi, pizza-sized fromage frais does not go down well. Quite nauseating and ridiculously stupid is the last reel.
The movie clearly takes itself way too seriously, and ends up being laughed at. It's not the worst film I'll ever see, but at times it wants to believe its the best.
Shame.