A bitter disappointment

Rating: 5/10 (20 April 2007)

It's been two and a half years since the release of Alien Versus Predator and you can still see the collective fanboy disgust at this film reverberating round the Internet. On the one hand, you've got to thank Paul W. Anderson really for giving fans of the Alien franchise something to talk about besides David Fincher killing Hicks, but on the other it is undeniable that even with the benefit of hindsight, the critics who derided the movie when it was first released were right in their estimations. This is definitely a weak movie and considering the awe-inspiring smackdown it should have been, it's understandable that the geek contingent, myself included, were bitterly disappointed.
The chief problem of course is the lingering sense that it was knocked out for a quick buck or two and nothing more, with the target audience made up of hip youngsters who listen to nu metal and have a TV in their room permanently switched to MTV. You know, those idiots who walk around with their jeans slung low so that we can read the labels on their groovy Calvin Klein boxer shorts? Well, in keeping with the music video aesthetic, things move quickly. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me at all if Anderson's directing approach had consisted of him stood off camera, waving his arms at the cast while shouting "come on come on, faster faster, more flare, more zing, more kapowzer! The Ritalin's wearing off!" We've barely met any of the characters before they're being jetted off to the Antarctic to meet a series of unpleasant endings. The action starts roughly half an hour into the movie and fifteen minutes later, nearly all the principle cast have been killed. Where was the gradual build up of tension? Where was the careful handling of atmospheric unease? Where was the mounting sense of dread? Oh, that was what that penguin scene was all about...right.
Adding to this is the fact that you really don't give a damn about any of the people involved, they're merely there to provide explanations and die screaming. As such, none of them really develop any further than the sketch pad and it's amazing they even bothered to take the time to think up names. They could just as easily have been cast as lovable Scottish idiot, spunky tough black girl, dashing Italian know it all, dying old fella, bastard British bloke and expendable extras. An entire generation of movie goers jumped with astonishment when Kane's chest burst open, shed tears when Vasquez blew herself up and punched their fists into the air with reckless enthusiasm when Arnie's final trap worked. All you're likely to do this time around is stare blankly and count the seconds until the next one.
Woeful though the plot, characterisation and cheesy dialogue may be (the "hunter's moon" conversation is the stupidest thing ever. Ever ever ever), Alien Versus Predator does have one thing in its favour...
Man, when the two species actually get round to killing each other, it's so cool. Years since imaginations were set reeling by the trophy scene in Predator 2, there is a terrific burst of adrenalin when the two finally collide. The bruising one on one duel at the centre of the film in particular is totally bad ass, with stone masonry and ancient bricks being shattered into dust as the two monsters collide, acid blood spurting, wrist blades glistening and mandibles flailing as they try to wrench each other out of existence. Its popcorn munching mayhem of the highest order and just about the only thing that the movie does well, but still enough to lift it into the realm of passable entertainment.
It cannot disguise the fact that AvP isn't the almighty ruckus that teenagers and twenty-somethings have dreamt of all this time. Truth be told, it's not a bad film and if it hadn't contained the two famous beasts, but replaced them with new creations and gone under a different title, it'd probably be regarded as fun little B-movie. Given that the sequel is imminent, you can only hope it improves in the second round but otherwise, fans of both series would be better off seeking out the original Dark Horse graphic novel that was at least as good as the earlier movies.