Somebody please shoot the director and screenplay writer

Rating: Null/10 (7 October 2004)

I'm going to leave aside any rants whatsoever about the movie being not the least true to form with the alien mythos and predators mythos and comics and whatnot since that does not constitute a well done movie.
Instead, I'm going to talk about the movie itself and leave aside any fanboy adoration mumbo jumbo. If you own firearms and aren't afraid of using it, please hear me out.
Let's first talk about the story, which for all the loopholes that break out faster than an alien facehugger does, is still bearable by any means. We've got the usual anomality signal somewhere in a far unpopulated location and some power hungry tyrant, in this case, some foggy billionaire who is most probably going to die before he can even spend a tenth of his wealth wants whatever this anomaly can offer him.
Well needless to say, we've got the usual 'recruiting' scenes that are all too predominant in movies these days and a group of misinformed sheeps who are gathered together for the glory of dying in front of millions of audience worldwide on the widescreen. Then we'll have the protagonist, who is invincible and will never luck out, and somehow always managing to find either true love or great wealth at the end of the show. (Oh, in this movie's case, there's actually a twist there! I smile with glee)
That apart does not make things go wrong. What happens next is something you will never expect, but not in the good sense. No, far from this, it makes your mouth turn sour and go 'How could low can a show go?'. Well not nearly low enough in this movie's case, as you'll come to find out.
Let's take things systematically. First, why oh why do screenplay writers and directors continue to bore the crowd with do and done cinematics. It may have been original when Trinity did her infamous yoga floating technique but we didn't watch the Matrix to see cheap camera tricks. Unfortunately, this is what this movie, and not surprisingly Resident Evil 2 (check out who wrote the show... bling bling!) assumes a good movie is all about. I can almost imagine the process of creating the script. Note names are purely fictitious and any resemblance is entirely coincidental:
Paul: Hmm, let's see. I will have the girl charge into the hall with a motorcycle, ram it into the alien and blow them both up with a lead shotgun.
*pauses*
Paul: Oh that will be so cool!!!!!!!1112
*shudders in excitement*
Paul: but wait..how do I add a bike into the story
*pauses*
Paul: Nevermind, I'll just save that for this instead
*scribbles onto page of Resident Evil 2 script beside*
Paul: Oh so cool!
*shudders*
And then when we think about what conspired within the scriptwriter's mind as he thought about the movie's content:
Paul: I'll get everyone to this recluse outpost and..and wow! Yes, they will find a pyramid below!!! Yes! because pyramids are sooo cool and science fiction and things like that! Like.. Coool!
*shudders*
Paul: And then inside.. inside...
*pauses*
Paul: What will happen inside? Hmmm....
*1 week passes*
INT: Living Room, Paul's Residence Paul is playing Super Mario on the NES
Paul: I know!!!! Moving blocks! Wow that will be so... cool!
*shudders*
Paul: And it will be like a maze... that should fill up the time. It will feel like a game... then I'll get some people to die because they're trapped! Everyone loves trapped scenes... oohhhh the suspenseeee
*rubs hands together*
Paul: And then-And then..there will be cool fighting scenes in between! Like.. Howzat! and Fusah!!! and Swissshingztcha!!!
*Paul makes swinging movements with his hands*
Paul: So Cool....
*shudders*
To top it off, you can imagine the irony as we, the already befuddled audience, came to the holistic moment where Man first makes contact with a Predator and what does the Predator do?
Paul: Yes! Ohh! The predator will make a spear for the babe.. yes! And it will be cool! Because making spears by combining things is cool! Ohh!
Also, sometimes you aren't sure if you should laugh or cry when you come across a scene like:
Paul: Hmmm the audience might not know what the nuker does because they haven't played the games. Ohh! I know, I will get the predator to explain to the girl! Indirectly, he is explaining it to the audience! Ohh! This is phat! I'm just too clever for myself! *scribbles furiously*
It's hard to understand how scriptwriters like these can exist. It's as if the universe created them for the sole purpose of giving critics an existence. The level of absurdity in the movie was so high it didn't even seem to unthinkable to the audience the Pred and the lady were going kiss and make out under the blue sky. I mean, COME ON, the Pred was even undressing itself.
To top it off, is it just me or did anyone realize that in the end, nobody really wins at all. I mean, how do you leave someone stranded on a huge slab of polar ice without any clothes or equipment and expect them to survive there.
Really well done movie. Burnt to crisp that is. Doesn't deserve your money one bit, and if you are a victim just like I am, take up your guns and hunt the guy down. Definitely the worst thing to happen to me since the bubble burst in '99.
So Not Cool.