Complete and utter failure.

Rating: 1/10 (31 August 2004)

AVP fails on several levels. It completely fails as an addition to both series, and it fails as a film itself. When I heard Anderson was in charge of this project, I knew that it couldn't be good news.and then when the PG-13 rating came along, my fears were multiplied and confirmed. A huge fan of both series, I wanted more than anything to like this film and for it to at least be average. After all, I cannot think of many film ideas that have had more potential. This very well could have been the best action and sci-fi film ever created, only if it had a decent director. I actually gave Anderson a chance, a 10% chance of making an average film, and a 0% chance of making it into what it deserved and had the potential to be. Those who gave him more should be embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that I paid to see it, however, I have a unique way of justifying it. Since I paid for it, the only way I can redeem myself is to rip this excuse for a film apart in this review, which will be long, and tell everyone I know how much this film completely sucks and how the originals and all copies should be burned.
MASSIVE spoilers:
First off, it fails right off for having a weak and unbelievable story, all thanks to the brilliantly moronic Anderson. Full of holes. An ancient pyramid, reminiscent of the Cube, 2000 feet below the ice in Antarctica? Riiiiiight. Predators have hunted humans for years, so let's send some adolescent ones to go after the fiercest species in the universe, and hey, let's only have them do it every 100 years.Riiiight. A chained up Queen Alien that's also been frozen and imprisoned by some wimpy ass Mongoloid Predators that get schooled like little b*tches? Riiiiight. A Predator and a woman make friends and the Predator even makes a shield and spear for her out of an Alien carcass? Oh-f-ing-KAY! I'll stop, but it doesn't take a film professor to see where this is going. They might as well have put an Alien Predator sex scene in it. So much potential and this was what Anderson shat out.
Anyone with even a lick of respect for either franchise can see how utterly stupid this film was even before any production was set forth. It gets even worse. Why in the hell would you claim to be a fan of both franchises and then go against many things we know about both creatures and make yourself look like a fool? Easy, Anderson is a fool. Face-huggers now fall off within minutes of attachment, the gestation period for the chest-bursters is now also a few minutes.and, to top it all off their blood is only sporadically acidic. How's that for consistency? Want more? Why in the hell would Predators set up an entire human civilization to perpetuate their ritual Alien hunts and bring weapons with them that melt when they come in contact with Alien blood? If these things have been hunting Aliens for hundreds of years, you'd think they'd be smarter than that.
And while we're at it, let's change the way the Predators and Aliens look. The Preds in this film look like they have down syndrome with their masks off. The fact that they look like linebackers doesn't help either. The original in 1987 looked infinitely better and more realistic, not like some lumbering oaf in a rubber suit. And just to make them fiercer, as if it were needed, let's make the Aliens so that they can open their mouths as wide as a Muppet, particularly Guy Smiley, can. This is the material we waited 14 years for?! I actually felt sorry for the Predators in this movie, they're just sad. On top of looking like they rode in on the short ship, they get their asses KICKED. Colonial Marines did better against a HIVE of Aliens than the Preds did against a few running around.and these were friggin' Predators!!! I thought the Predators hunted the ALIENS? These Preds were sissies, and were about as stealthy as a rhino giving birth during an electrical storm. Utterly ridiculous.
The cinematography used is entirely out of place. The quick-cut editing used during the fight scenes is some of the worst I've seen to date. You can't see anything that's going on and you might as well not even see the fights at all. That's exactly what I was looking forward to after 14 years, especially in a film with 'Vs.' in the title. While some of this may be possibly attributed to the studio axing it to make it PG-13, the shots that are left are far too close to the action, leading me to believe that this may have not been the studio's fault as some Anderson supporters claim. It's truly confusing and annoying. Straight out of The Blair Witch Project. And let's not forget to throw some Matrix bullet time into a face-hugger sequence, we'd be lost without that. And for a film that is obviously meant to be action-packed, it certainly isn't. Half of its measly runtime is spent setting up this ridiculous scenario. Where is the damn epic showdown?! This was a Versus movie right?
End of 'spoilers'.
And to all of you people defending this film, what in the hell are you thinking? Just because you're a fan of both franchises doesn't mean you have to swallow this and embarrass yourself on these pages. We deserved more. If you are OK with this film and do find it enjoyable, you are completely void of any taste in film. I simply do not understand your mediocrity.
For having more potential than almost any film in the last decade and releasing this stank pickle, I give AVP 1/10. R.I.P. Alien and Predator.