...bored with all that character development in your Gameboy?

Rating: 1/10 (12 August 2004)

Like them or not, the 'Alien' franchise fielded four unique films-not all of them good, but each of them with a voice, a feel, a look.
The first was a character-driven haunted house in space, the second was a character- driven action roller-coaster, 'Alien 3' was a tale of loss and sacrifice, the fourth
Okay each one was different. Each had style, panache, character, suspense; each had its own distinct rhythms and tropes. Each defined its own brand of terror, horror, suspense and tension.
'Predator' was a testosterone-fueled snark hunt, a mano a mano exercise in guts and will: no one in that film was innocent; no one truly survived. It was fun.
'Predator 2' was a comic book: not quite believable, not quite straight-laced enough to be a really effective monster movie but, never mind, it had its points.
'Alien vs. Predator' tries to be Well, gosh, I have no idea what it tries to be. It grabs bits and pieces of all the films-a little of the Colonial Marines doing a combat drop, a little of the claustrophobic crawling through the ductwork, a little bit of the collapsing walls of the lead smelting plant in Alien 3 When you watch it-and you will!-you see how many little pieces this Anderson fellow has lifted. The net result is that nothing seems to be really happening, nothing is at stake, people are going to die but, oh well, they died in all the other movies in just this wayand who cares about them anyway, they're just targets.
Speaking of which, AVP's target audience seems to be kids-see? That PG-13 rating wasn't just a compromise, the thing was designed that way-kids whose thumbs have gotten tired of actually having to press those darn button on the Gameboy or X-Box and want someone else to do it. This film brings nothing to the table yet tries to suggest, to hint at, resonances from the Alien universe. The head of the company, played by Lance Henriksen, the 'artificial person' called Bishop from 'Aliens,' is named, Charles Bishop Weyland. Is this the germ of the 'Company' Ripley flies for in 'Alien?' In AVP Mr. Weyland is all human and he wants something--something that goes beyond just opening up that pyramid to see what's therehis goons are armed to the teeth and expecting something hefty to come their way. Alas they're all offed and/or cocooned too quickly for us to learn what they're REALLY doing with all that firepower on an archaeological dig. And we never find out anything! Nothing is revealed.
Oh, yes: The film plays fast and loose with alien biology. What took weeks--or at least a couple of days--to accomplish in terms of the Alien alternation-of-generation (look it up) gestation-egg to hugger to larva to full-blown alien motherhumper-now happens in, no seriously, a matter of minutes!
I probably should stop here. But I have to spoil it for you because this film, rotten as it is, needs spoiling: The chummy alliance between the human survivor and the predator is repulsive. Predators are not nice people. Not these guys. They are awful, Republicans with too many mandibles, and even less of a moral compass than Never mind. The (Capital A) Aliens are animals. They are dumb things that do what they do because they do it! They live to breed. That's it. An alliance between human and Predator here is like the turkey and the Pilgrims ganging up on the ham.
Now I will stop.
No. I won't. Do not see this film-at least don't pay to see it. Sneak in.
Go to a multi- plex, see a good movie, buy a second bag of soggy popcorn, then stroll into this one and see how truly wretched it is.