Atrocious beyond belief......

Rating: 1/10 (3 May 2005)

AvP is the single worst film I've ever seen. And I've seen the Rugrats Movie. Starts off OK. I forgave the rampant Jurassic Park theft, giggled at Bishop doing the knife trick.
Then they did it. They bullet timed the Face Huggers. All downhill from there.
From the theory of the Pyramid changing configuration every 10 minutes (because some ancient civilisation had a "metric" calendar. Not decimal, like you thought), it works out that a face hugger can implant a chest burster, which can then gestate and burst within 20 minutes. And then grows into a full size dog alien within another 10. Jeez, with a growth rate like that they should have been dying of old age by the end of the movie.
They managed to do the impossible and somehow make the aliens not scary. The puppet queen from Aliens looked more believable than AvP's CGI effort, and the Predators look remarkably like Rastafarian Robocop with the masks on and Doctor Freaking Zoidberg with the masks off.
Then there's the whole bit with Nu-Ripley befriending a Predator (um, no...) and for no adequately explained reason walking around for the rest of the movie with what can only be described as an alien glove puppet on her arm. I almost expected an Eric Morcambe style "What do you think of it so far?" moment.
The only thing that could have redeemed this movie would have been if in the bit where the Predator takes his mask off at the end, the music had swelled and he and Nu-Ripley had fallen into some kind of weird Captain Kirk kiss (I could have sworn that was where they were going with that scene.
Sorry to go on about it, but never has a film made me genuinely angry. There will be no more Alien movies. Even if there are more AvP movies, Avp has made enough money no doubt to keep them as shoddy as this one. Now I understand how people felt about The Phantom Menace.
I think the time has come for Fan Film-makers to hijack the franchise. I have no doubt that that "Batman vs Alien vs Predator" mini movie was single handedly responsible for getting Batman Begins made. Someone needs to show Fox that CGI and MTV camera work do not a good movie make and that the Alien franchise deserves a decent director (and an R rating). Any takers?