Is that an Alien in my chest or heartburn?

Rating: 3/10 (22 April 2005)

Alright, now the setup takes forever. Fair warning. Diagrams, helicopters, mountain climbing, debriefings. This filming strategy cut the cost of the film down but real-fake shots of the ice cutting boat were well worth it. Trust me. Ice cutting boats are action worthy. So like I said, the setup takes forever which is longer than an Alien takes to hatch out of your sternum. Most of the story takes place in Antarctica even though Predator's hate the cold.
Now the Predators have come to Earth again and they are bored with Arnold so they bring along an alien that was frozen just for fun. Then some scientists just happen to be around because they are on an expedition that knows about a big Pyramid below the Antartic ice where they have to explore and where the Predator's just happen to be going. (Ya with me so far?) Well at least 'Alien' Bishop (Lance Henriksen) is along for the ride though he really doesn't do anything in this movie except use an inhaler. I swear! Now the scientists all go exploring in the snow and later in the Pyramid below the ice. One of the characters in the movie, some hours later, carries around a weapon found in the Pyramid and carries it forever without realizing it's a weapon! Why are horror/scary movie/thriller people so stupid? Is this always a requirement? Would you go down a thousand foot hole in the ice that couldn't have been drilled by anything on the planet except for maybe Aliens? Yep. They all go down. Ya gotta love the stupid scientists.
Now there's a lot of gush and gook and Alien acid. It's becomes as cliché as a Film Noir detective looking at blood at the scene of the crime. Ever notice how detectives always have to stick their fingers in the blood and smear it around just to make sure it's blood? Well now it's Alien slime apparently. A scene or two with the sticky stuff being examined. You always have to pick up the sticky gun/stick/whatever very slowly to let everyone know it's sticky. You have to have that stupid look on your face when you pick it up as well. Just turn your head to the side and look at the sticky stuff and say to yourself. This doesn't look right  it looks like Alien sticky stuff. By the way, the Alien is right behind you.
Then there's the Alien Acid. We all know this stuff can melt its way down several stories of futuristic metal. It burns like a bad pepperoni Pizza at Sbarro's. But Alien acid just doesn't follow the laws of gravity. Einstein rolls over in his grave during this movie when Alien acid is flowing like water but it just can't seem to fall on the heroine no matter how much she sticks the Aliens and bleeds them. OK, she gets it once but quickly takes off her outer jacket. Quite frankly I could have spit across the room and gotten more on her. Aliens, please take note. Spit, don't bother bleeding like a pig.
Now the heroine goes around in a long sleeve, acid free light shirt from there on. OK, so the rest of the movie doesn't matter but finally the end of the movie does happen. Here we go. There's the imminent explosion. Predator's got to blow up all traces of everything as usual. But wait. First you must watch the Predator bomb-clock tick to its own beat and with only a few seconds left, it still takes 5 minutes. I know the clock is on Predator time, but I've seen this before Tick Tick Tick. Couple running away from the bomb. Tick Tick Tick. Shot of clock ticking. Now they are climbing or something like that. Tick Tick Tick. Now they are running. Shot of clock ticking. Tick Tick Tick. Someone slips on Antartic ice and slowly gets up. Shot of clock ticking. Tick Tick Tick. Now they are running again. WAIT. The bomb is about to go off. EVERYONE MUST JUMP (the big bomb flame in back of them goes off.) Now, hit the deck. Slide, Blast, Boom and they're SAFE! Just a Predator and heroine on an Abyss of ice. They insist on staying on the edge of the ice by the way just to prove that scientists and Predator's are equally stupid. The heroine's shirt is clean pressed after all the battle, spit, acid and goo. No time for a sloppy chick in this movie. Aliens and Predators hate sloppy.
Now later on still, the heroine is outside the Predator space ship in the middle of Antarctica before the grateful Predator aliens must take off for home. You understand? Predators never stick around long enough to explain Area 51. The heroine; wellshe's in her nice pressed shirt in Antarctica and what's so unusual about that?. The heroine doesn't even have the cold fog breath. I mean really, there was more mist coming out the mouths of the "I see dead people" cast. The Predators then take off and the heroine is not feeling chilly at all WAIT! It's not over yet. Deep inside the Predator ship as it leaves Earth's atmosphere, a slow pull back of the camera shows the dead body of one of the hero-Predator guys. He's lying on a slab as his friends walk away - all of them sad in a Predator way. What's that? Something moving in the dead guy's chest? Can it be a little Alien pup? Is something going to jump out of his chest? Nahhh! The dead guy is sicker than me about this movie. He's just going to barf I think? Now that's scary! 3 Stars for CG. Nothing else to make this worthwhile except for the cleanest costumes after an alien invasion that I have ever seen.