We Lost!

Rating: Null/10 (25 October 2004)

It would've been a better movie with the Goonies. Imagine the setup: A pyramid full of traps and moving passageways and some grotesques in hot pursuit - que Chunk, Data, Mikey, Mouth and the older ones whose names I can't remember too well and before you can say 'the jungle came alive and took him' you've got yourself an excellent two hours. Its the kind of risk that could have paid dividends - The Predator reneges on killing Chunk because of his amusing anecdote about vomiting into Mikey's lunchbox after stuffing his face with donuts, a Data/Alien Queen face off in which the bitch is brought down by a poison dart attached to a spring and how about Mouth actually talking down a facehugger? The more I think about it the more disappointed I feel about the version that made it to the screen - overblown, underplotted, poorly conceived characters, not one good joke and, worst of all, no chance to enter your high score over the end credits. Come to think of it, where was all the violence? That put Predator 2 up a notch. Seems to me that making a Alien/Predator movie for ze kids is a bit of a busted flush, I mean what's the point? Granted, there's plenty of psychological violence aimed at the audience, some of it intentional, but thats not really good enough. On the up side I'm willing to bet my neighbour's skull that it hasn't inflicted a fatal blow to either series. Alien 4 was worse after all, and the aforementioned Predator 2 didn't exactly stroke the pleasure receptors so to be fair we've been a bit fortunate but lets not do it again anytime soon...unless it's Paul W.S Anderson VS Paul T. Anderson but I'm guessing that PWSAVPTA isn't a friendly acronym for your average studio marketing department. A crying shame.