One plot contrivance leads to another, and the next thing you know a massive war between Aliens, Predators, and humans ensues.

Rating: Null/10 (13 August 2004)

Is there really any need for me to review this movie? Critics are gonna hate it, women and the elderly will try to avoid it, and fanboys will go see it no matter what. But I try to convince myself that my voice is *always* needed, so here we go.
If you have no interest in seeing this movie, then I really have no incentive to convince you otherwise. If you've already cleared your calendar and got your tickets, well, you probably don't have a girlfriend. But that's irrelevant. Much like you have to do whenever you go on a date, I suggest you lower your expectations right now. If you do that, then you might just come away somewhat entertained. There's no guarantee, but at least your chances will be better. Certainly better than getting that second date. *rimshot* I'm sorry; I just like to give fanboys a hard time.
AvP (as the hipsters like to call it) is not what I'd classify as a "good movie," but at times it does pass for entertainment. I was never bored, and it kept my interest, so hey, I don't regret seeing it, but my biggest disappointment is that this could have been so much better.
The plot is pretty hokey, but I won't give it away just in case you prefer to wait for the revelation during the movie. However, I will tell you that the actual revelation is beyond cheesy. Here's the deal. The humans make their way down to the pyramid, we find out that the mother alien is dormant in the pyramid, and we see that the Predators are in their spaceship and they're headed to ... yep, you guessed it ... the pyramid. So I'm sitting in the theater thinking, "So what's the connection? I hope they explain what's going on." No problem.
Thankfully, a member of Henriksen's team can read hieroglyphics, and lo and behold, there are hieroglyphics in the pyramid! But wait, that's not the best part. Somebody actually took the time to write out the entire plot of the movie in hieroglyphics in the pyramid! So dude proceeds to read the plot summary to us as we're treated to a flashback. Give me a break. That's the best they could come up with? Couldn't they have, you know, put forth a modicum of effort and somehow developed the plot within the context of the movie? And don't get your hopes up, the connection between the three races isn't exactly sci-fi ingenuity.
Some more laughable moments involve an Aztec calendar and the reconfiguration of the pyramid. One of the guys from the team claims that since the Aztec calendar was based on multiples of 10 then this must mean that the pyramid was designed around that. Of course, that's the solution to all their problems. This is supposed to explain why the pyramid reconfigures itself every 10 minutes. Whatever, man, just whatever.
And yes, I realize that I'm referring to characters as "dude" and "one of the guys," and believe me, you'll be doing the same thing if you go see the movie. Long gone are the days of Arnold and Ventura. Now say hello to... well, I don't really remember anybody's name, and I didn't really care to either. It's sufficient to say there's a bunch of people with accents, and we all know that accents are used in an effort to disguise bad acting.
One good thing about having mostly unknowns is that you don't know exactly who will die and who will live. However, one bad thing about having mostly unknowns is that there's a good chance they can't act and most likely won't convince you to care about them. I shed not one tear over any character's death. Did Mr. Scientist Geek just get killed? Yeehaw. Go Predator.
Oh, and I'm just curious. If you came face-to-face with an alien, and this was the first realization of alien existence, what would you say? Would you be speechless? Or would you say, "You want a piece of me?" I didn't think so.
One other thing I need to address is the PG-13 rating. A lot of fans are upset about this, and well, you should be. The result is that this movie is fun for the whole family! Seriously, except for an "f" word, this is safe even for pre-teens. I don't think they should've had additional profanity (typically a sign of lazy writing), but this is a movie that should be overflowing with Alien/Predator gore and violence. Instead, we get a few sanitized fights with very little gore and very little slime. Some of the fights are cool, but there aren't enough, and they aren't as chaotic as they should be.
I'm also not a fan of the Predator with a heart of gold. There was a scene near the end where, I kid you not, I thought the Predator and Sanaa Lathan were going to kiss. Somebody in the theater actually said, "Oooh, she's gonna kiss him!" Folks, if you're a fan of the original Predator then you know that there shouldn't even be the threat of that happening! I have no idea what they were thinking there.
Let me end with a piece of advice for you. If you ever find yourself going one-on-one with a Predator and it turns its back and starts to walk away, man, just let it walk.
THE GIST
Do you love movies that are filmed in a lot of dark locations with a lot of spooky music playing in the background all while characters are walking around slowly? Does this scare you and keep you entertained no matter how simplistic and silly the plot is? If so, then Alien Vs. Predator should keep you entertained. However, if you're expecting this to just completely blow your mind then I recommend lowering the bar of your expectations before entering the theater and try not to sob too much over the missed opportunities.