The 25 Reasons to Avoid Alien³

Rating: 2/10 (20 January 2011)

1. In 1992, no one heard you screamin the theatre.
2. They didn't learn from Alien³ with Terminator 3, which ruined the notion of "No fate but what we make" set forth in Terminator 2. Alien³ follows suit in just the first 10 minutes by tossing out all you cared about Aliens.
3. Incredibly, I originally gave this movie 5 out of 5 stars. I was 18 then and 18 years later, I've grown up, opened my eyes and tried to remember what kinds of drugs I was inhaling back then.
4. Mostly, I'll recommend the "Uncut/Unrated/Unclothed" Special Editions of movies. In Alien³, you must skip it at all costs. An additional 31 USELESS minutes were added and in this "special" edition, they mercilessly deleted the only thing the ending had going for it: the chest-burst.
5. Speaking of useless minutes, in the so-called Special Edition there's a successful trap set for the alien. In one of the brainless ideas caught on screenplay paper, it's released. Thank God for editors for theatrical releases.
6. While I thoroughly praised Aliens, I feel I was enormously harsh on the original Alien. After #3, I deserve to be shot for saying anything against the original.
7. Ripley (Weaver) went from housewife to warrior with her G.I. Jane 'do...untilshe bellied over in what appears to be PMS cramps for the other 90% of the movie. Yeah. That's both tough and appealing.
8. Who cares if your previous installment makes $131 million worldwide – which, by the way, was good for 1986the suits will always try and tear down the budget for a part III by turning the realistic alien creatures intocartoons?
9. Alien³ had flat out hilarious alien scenes (when they're chomping away or in the distance.) Today we would call it CGI, in 1992, it was called animated. And poorly.
10. Weaver only saw green ($$) for Alien³. She obviously decided she was in it for the money. Joke's on her: this was the lowest grossing of the first three. Hell, it barely reached $55 million, which, by the way, was still bad in 1992.
11. The original premise of Alien³ was for it to be set on earth, and unbelievably, they released even teasers for that idea. Too bad they scrapped that better script for the "lovely" locale of a prison planet with zero-chemistry, zero-brains and zero-depth inmates. Talk about expendable characters (SEE: plot of #1 and #2.)
12. And WTF was with the series first (and completely irrelevant) sex scene? You cannot tell me prisoners make Ripley hot.
13. Charles Dutton's character "Dillon" was some kind of swearing, mean-spirited and rambling holy man. Sounds like someone had a Buddy Christ doll on his dashboard, hmmm?
14. The poster reveals "3 times the suspense. 3 times the danger. 3 times the terror." Affirmativeif you're multiplying 3 by zero.
15. Spoiler: while the character of Ripley was very good in Alien and excellent in Aliens, she certainly took a backseat to Charles Dance's "Clemens" who was the only redeeming character that had depth, one you rooted for, andwhat did they do? Kill him off abruptly and without thought.
16. Admittedly, it did have good sets (for what it was) and it contained one of the best scenes in any movie: the alien all but attempting to kiss Ripley. It would be too much of a spoiler to report why, but suffice to say that was the only great 10 seconds of 8700 seconds of footage.
17. "The Company" is trying to get their paws on what they think are the last two aliens of the species. They need to Netflix part one again to remind them: there's a shitload of eggs still hanging out in a UFO on the original planet.
18. Think what you will of Alien: Resurrection. That was the Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade of apologies for Alien³.
19. When a character professes to be human, and that character stated he created androids in his image, they shouldn't label him in the credits as "Bishop II" or any "II" when he's supposedly the original.
20. Spoiler: It still boggles my mind that they deleted the Ripley line "For the last time" from the final product, and even the bloated special edition. Obviously, they wanted to leave this open for yet another sequel, but in reality, for fans of the series, we all know, it was, in fact, Ripley's last time.
21. Thank God, this was only Director Fincher's first outing. Someone must've forgave him for Alien³ to allow him to make the superior films: Se7en, The Game, The Social Network and Fight Club.
22. I'm aware Great Britain pretty much had its run of the world at one time, but how they conquered other worlds, such as this boring prison planet, is beyond me. (Okay, not getting my point across? Just try and understand half the words the brits in the movie are saying.)
23. Ripley's character is afraid people will think she's crazy if she tells them there might be an alien stalking them in the shadows. Seriously? People, you can breathe on other planets. Is it really that much of a stretch that other organisms can, as well?
24. This movie should be viewed by only the curious of what happened after Part II. The series should've ended with Part II as Part III didn't add hardly anything fresh, interesting, topical or suspenseful.
25. Allow me to amend that: Don't be curious. Just don't watch this movie. Would you be curious to see what it feels to get your hand snapped in a rat-trap, or your ankle in a bear-trap? It's just common sense to stay away from something that will cause such agony. Alien³ is that kind of pain. Just avoid it.