Movies Suck: Tim Burton, Noooooo!

Rating: 2/10 (23 June 2010)

Alright people, this needs to stop. The new "Alice in Wonderland" movie has been getting way too much hype for much too long. As a die-hard Alice fan, I have to say I was excited to hear that Tim Burton would be taking up the project of molding Alice in his own twisted image, but that was when I was naive. I was a fool to think Burton would see Alice the same way I did...
The movie itself was, admittedly, not nearly as bad as I'd feared it was going to be, but that does NOT mean that I liked it. FAR FROM IT REALLY. I've seen some stinkers, but this one simply reeked. Johnny Depp's performance was Depp-ish, and if you're into Johnny Depp you'll probably enjoy his work as the Mad Hatter. You also probably like smelling your own ASS... The Dormouse both confused and irritated me. I wasn't sure while I was at the theater, but I looked it up - the Dormouse was definitely NOT a girl... A lot of really good characters were completely left out... Also, Burton for SOME reason took it upon himself to start giving everything different names. Like "Mad Hatter", "Red Queen" and "Castle" and things simply weren't good enough for him. No, he decided to give everyone and everything these bizarre names, which I would have supported (Wonderland being a nonsensical world and all) had Burton at least TRIED. But the names were so stupid and ridiculous it just sounded like he took a bunch of weird words he found in the dictionary and mixed up the letters. And boom! Meet Snorglflaffen, AKA the Mad Hatter. What was THAT?
...I was pretty convinced that I was going to hate the movie the second I found out Johnny Depp was going to be in it. In fact, I was so sure I was going to hate it I was completely blown away by how almost good he was. I honestly wouldn't have chosen him myself but he wasn't nearly as horrible as I feared he was going to be. But there's always that ONE character, isn't there? That ONE character that you hate more than anything you've ever hated before.. And of course, in this case, it had to be none other than Alice herself. I couldn't believe it... But no, Burton decided to remain true to this horrible image he's been making for himself lately and give Alice what I've lately been calling "Bella Syndrome", and I call it that because it's much easier to type than "Obnoxious cardboard box personality girl that generally wastes my time by existing and is in serious need of a mental rebooting or overall removal from society Syndrome" and it gets the point across just as nicely. Burton's Alice, like Bella, had all the charisma of a wheel of cheese, and basically let herself be led around Wonderland (OH sorry, I mean "UNDERLAND") without bothering to stop and ask any questions. "Oh, it's just a dream. I'll wake up EVENTUALLY." This was seriously her mentality until the last twenty minutes of the movie. It's comforting to know that a Victorian-era English noblewoman of 19 years of age has enough sense to think that no matter how real a situation is, no matter how much ACTUAL physical danger she's in, if there's talking animals then it MUST BE A DREAM. She didn't actually DO anything until the end of the movie, where she killed the Jabberwock...
In closing, I think Tim Burton needs to just stop this madness... I'm sick of it, and I'm sick of HIM.
This review was edited for length and content. To read the whole review, and others, check out my blog! http://moviessuck.tumblr.com/