Worse than awful

Rating: 1/10 (7 August 2010)

If I could give this movie zero stars I would; in fact, I would give it negative stars if that were possible. I say this not as simple hyperbole, but because this movie was really that bad and it is a shame that such a classic story that was brilliantly written could be brought to this low level- cheapened to the point of being worthless. As an adapted screenplay, this movie is an abomination, not only because it barely follows the original story (which is what an adaption is supposed to do), but because it does it in such a ham-fisted manner.
One of my biggest problems with this movie is the fact that it was turned into a vehicle for Johnny Depp. The movie is called Alice in Wonderland, not The Adventures of the Mad Hatter in Wonderland. But of course Depp is the bankable star that is supposed to sell the film, so naturally he has to be in practically every scene; never mind the fact that the Mad Hatter is a rather minor character in the book. Not only is he too present, but then they have to make him absurd in every aspect. The Hatter must be crazy in deed and appearance to such a ridiculous extent that it is painful to watch. The pinnacle of my revulsion came with the moronic dance at the end, made all the worse by the fact that it was CG "enhanced". Johnny Depp should try his hand at acting again instead of appearing in Tim Burton's movies as asinine characters who are completely obtuse, one dimensional, and boring.
This of course brings us to the main reason this movie is so horrible: Tim Burton. It has gotten the point now where any movie associated with him is a sure sign of a bad movie. I know that when I see his name attached to a project, red flags immediately go up, but it has gotten so bad now, that I reflexively reject anything he directs or writes and with good reasons. 1) His "cinematic vision" is roughly equal to that of Mister Magoo after a night of heavy drinking. It was original when it was Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands, but now it is worn out and a clear sign of a hack who is living off his past achievements. As a matter of fact, Mr. Burton, you do not have to make every movie with elements of your bizarro Halloween world included in each scene. A perfect example in Alice in Wonderland is the White Queen, who looks more akin to the Corpse Bride (naturally). 2) Burton's ability to tell a story has been seriously impaired by his reliance on special effects. This movie was one of the worst examples of trying to sell the visuals at the expense of the story. Then again, when you have such a compromised screenplay, maybe the safe fix is to dress it up with neat visuals. It still is very similar to putting lipstick on a pig, in my opinion. 3) Maybe it is time to change up the casting. Every movie the mope makes has Johnny Depp and Helena Bohnam Carter. And while he is at it, he can change the art director, and fire the lighting guy, the editor and the cinematographer too.
This movie is supposed to be about Alice, but almost from the beginning she is getting lost in the shuffle, and the actress they chose for Alice was not a good choice either as she just fades into the background in many scenes and delivers her lines in a perfunctory manner that suggest nothing of a leading role. It is not that you do not care about Alice in particular, it is that you are left not caring about anything in this movie because the story has been so horribly eviscerated to the point of being unrecognizable. The beginning of the movie was mind-numbingly boring, and then when one finally reaches the point where Alice falls down the rabbit hole, and one has the slightest flicker of hope that the movie will somehow recover, those hopes are cruelly dashed by more horrible dialog and slow scenes that are meant to show off the talents of the CG animators rather than tell the story.
I did not want to see this movie, in fact, I was manifestly against seeing this movie from the first moment that I saw the trailer. I saw this movie knowing that is was going to be a train wreck, nevertheless I chose to immolate myself by watching it. After the first thirty minutes I was convinced that this was a mistake and a waste of time, every bit as bad as Sweeney Todd, Willy Wonka, Sleepy Hollow and the steady string of turds that Tim Burton has shat out on the public for the past ten years.