An atrocity to behold

Rating: 2/10 (31 January 2014)

When I heard that Tim Burton was going to be doing an Alice in Wonderland movie I was immediately hyped. When the movie finally rolled around I was ready to seen the adaptation the classic story "deserved".
The prologue seemed promising a young Alice with her father having some cute banter. But then we fast forward many years to find Alice as a teenager. One of my problems with the movie is I thought Alice was to old, if you read the book I think it's apparent that Carol intended her to be a young girl. But what they were going for and Alice returning to Wonderland after many years, I didn't let it bother me.
Alice and her mother go to merry-gathering where Alice meets people and witnesses events that I am sure is "NOT AT ALL FORESHADOWING FOR LATER". Watch The Wizard of Oz much? Among all forced story lines Alice is proposed to by a snooty young man, before she answers him she sees a white rabbit and follows him down a rabbit hole.
After a pretty impressive interpretation of the falling and the room with all the doors. We finally get to see the Wonderland we've been waiting to see. But to our dismay Wonderland looks like a boring CGI dung-heep. But if that wasn't enough we get to see some old favorite character but SURPRISE their boring too. The Wonderlanders think that Alice is the "wrong Alice" so they go see Absolen the caterpillar (So the caterpillar has a name now). Absolen brings out a scroll that tells the future and tells Alice she must slay the Red Queen's evil Jabberwocky and save "Underland" from her tyranny. This was the point of the movie I realized I'd been suckered in.
Not to long afterward we get to see Helena Bonham Carter as our villain. To be fair Carter is the best part of the movie and she really tries to get around the contrived writing. But even her character is written wrong. The famed phrase "off with his head" isn't fun anymore but instead we get to see the victim crying about how he has kids to look after. Wow it's like the producers just wanted everything fun or memorable about Carol's book to completely shove it down the drain.
But surly Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter can bring some light to the movie. Nope, surprisingly Depp is the biggest stick in the mud this film has to offer. I mean I like Johnny Depp as an actor but his performance in this movie is just plain awful; he some how turned this fun-loving, delightfully goofy character into some depressing emo guy.
Anyway Alice travels with the Hatter for a while until the hatter captured by the Queen's army. Alice then allies with a dog (voiced by Timothy Spall),and she takes part in crossing to castle mote by jumping across severed heads???? Wow when did this movie turn into "The Killing Fields"? This Alice in Wonderland, leave scenes like this for Sweeney Todd Mr.Burton. So Alice infiltrates the Queen's court to find the vorpal blade the only weapon that can kill the Jabborwocky (I guess were in a Zelda game now). To make a long story short Alice finds the vorpal blade the Hatter and the dormouse try helping her escape but get arrested and Alice escapes on the Bandersnactch (oh a reference to the Jadderwocky poem, they'll think were're geniuses).
Alice escapes to The Red Queen's sister The White Queen played by a boring Anne Hathaway (I'm sure she "Dreamed a Dream" that she's to talented to play such a boring role). But meanwhile everyone is getting tried of Depp's bland performance and decide to send him to the block. But with the help from the Cheshire Cat (voiced by Stephan Fry) the Hatter rallies to citizens of Wonderland (I'm not calling it Underland) to fight back at the Red Queen. But if you haven't hadn't had enough of contrived dark scenes the Queens sends out a giant bird to massacre everyone.
So our favorite characters gone wrong meet up with Alice and the White Queen and get ready for the final battle against the Red Queen and the Jabberwocky. But Alice is feeling pressure about having to kill the beast so she is once again visited by the caterpillar. The caterpillar then shows clips Alice exploring Wonderland as a child (Not a good idea showing what the movie should have been like) and that somehow makes Alice more confident and they set off to meet the Red Queen's army.
When they arrive Alice confronts the Jabberwocky (voiced by Christopher Lee) and slays it. And that somehow make the Red Queen's army betray her and The Queen is banished. And then we take part in the most awful, vomit worthy part of the movie; The Hatter starts break dancing :P. So after that death blow to everyone's childhood Alice decides to return home and confront the similar problems she had in her real life. We end with Alice apprenticing in her fathers business and heading off to see the world.
Overall Alice in Wonderland is a messy, devised, and just all round awful. It seems like the movie deliberately went out of it's way to destroy the magic of a beloved classic. They really didn't understand the purpose of Lewis Carol's work and instead turned it into a boring CGI Narnia knock-off. And I just heard that they are making a sequel. Well I learned my lesson and I'm going to stay far away from it. I'm sure in the future there will be other adaptations and maybe someone will hit it out of the park and do the story right. But until then I'll stick with my books and the 1951 animated film.