Expect the worst... and it will still disappoint you.

Rating: 2/10 (27 March 2010)

When I first heard that Tim Burton was making Alice in Wonderland, and when, later yet, I saw the stills and first promotional shots, I could not wait to see it. I decided to forget all about how disappointing Burton's latest movies were, and thought to myself, we'll probably all fall in love with him again.
So when the first reviews turned out to be less than favourable, I was surprised. When some of then were outright terrible, I started suspecting that maybe my expectations had been too high. But nothing, NOTHING prepared me for yesterday's bitter disappointment.
First, the positive. Nice costumes, and I mean REALLY, seriously nice costumes. Dresses to die for, and hats to wear in a dream. And the Cheshire cat who is so fluffy that you are seriously tempted to reach out and ruffle his tummy. And the Red Queen, who is the only believable character with acting worth the mention. And... oh wait, the list ends here.
If Burton had spent as much time writing the story, developing the characters and working on the dialogue, as he had on making sure that the dresses were spectacular, this movie might have been quite alright. But instead, he opted to provide a story so predictable and unimaginative, you have to wonder why it was put to screen at all. And he seemed to have thought that, if the story (or lack of it, to be honest) was not dreadfully bad enough, this could be fixed by carefully adding a cliché to almost every line in the dialogue, and by making sure that there was not a single funny (like laugh-out-loud funny, not a half-smile-OK funny) moment in the whole movie.
Worst of all, he mercilessly murdered the essence and soul of the characters. Alice is lifeless, boring and mechanical. The Hatter has a few brilliant moments and he was graciously allowed a few acceptable lines by Burton, but mostly it is all been-there-done-that another over-the-top-facial-paint-role for Depp. The movie leaves one thankful for the Red Queen – her character would not impress you in any better movie, where she would simply be a decently amusing villain, but here it's only her presence that can lighten up the screen somewhat. Hathaway's beauty is worth admiring, but the White Queen would be better left in a poster, as the moment she starts speaking or moving, it is so unnatural, word "cringy" does not do it justice. The others are not even worth the mention, with the exception of the Caterpillar, where Rickman's charisma cannot be so subdued that it would not shine through.
At many points in this movie I tried to tell myself – this is a movie for children, what do you expect. Well, much more. There are many wonderful children's movies that are delightful to watch for audiences of all ages. This leaves you a feeling you just spent 2 hours watching the Mardi Gras carnival at 4 am, where beautiful clad dancers barely even move anymore, their steps mechanical and their eyes glazed over, and the audience too drunk to care.
I went with a friend who said she loved it, as it looked nice. If this is all you are looking for, and if you watch it while playing your favourite album on your MP3 player so as to limit your experience to moving images, you might just find it enjoyable enough.