Alice's Not So Wonderous Return to Wonderland...

Rating: 3/10 (11 March 2010)

Everyone has been saying that this is the single most divisive film of the year. I've spoken with two people since viewing the film. Person number one loved it, saying that he considered it "far better than Avatar", while person number two not only despised the film, but has decided that he may be losing faith in Tim Burton as a filmmaker.
I'm not sure if I can bring myself to say that I 'hated' Alice in Wonderland, but I sure didn't like it, any of it, at all. Also, I tend to agree with person number two about Tim Burton. The last film that he made that I love was 1994's Ed Wood. God I love that movie. 1996's Mars Attacks was enjoyable, in a fun, pulpy kind of awesomeness, and I really enjoyed, but didn't love, 2003's Big Fish. Everything else directed by Burton in the past decade and change has ranged from the passable, Sweeney Todd, to the terrible, Planet of the Apes. This film ranks up there (or down there) with his worst.
I'm not sure why Burton decided to make a Hook-like sequel to the original story, instead of just remaking the original. While I have no problem with the fact that this film is a sequel, what I do have a problem with is the fact that this sequel lacks any of the charm, wit and fun that the original had in spades (HAHAHA a card pun in an Alice in Wonderland Review!) The story here is paper thin. Onion paper thin. It makes the story in Avatar seem deep by comparison. Here's the "story": Alice, Mia Wasikowska, is now a young woman. She has no recollection of her childhood adventures in Wonderland, but every night, much to her confusion, she dreams the same dream about disappearing cats and talking caterpillars. At the beginning of the film she is at an aristocratic society function where she learns that a very rich, yet awkward and ugly, nobleman plans to ask for her hand in marriage. Alice doesn't want to marry him, and she follows a white rabbit in a top-coat down a rabbit hole to Wonderland. Once in Wonderland we learn that the Red Queen has assumed control, and is chopping everyone's head off like crazy. There's a magical piece of parchment that predicts that Alice is destined to kill the queen's pet Jabberwocky (some big dragon that breathes lightning) on some holiday, and freedom will be brought to the land. The rest of the movie is Alice running around telling everyone that she's dreaming as we're taken on a veritable "who's who" of Wonderland as Alice is reunited with all her old friends and enemies.
Johnny Depp is annoying as the Mad Hatter. I've hated his appearance in this film since the very first production stills were released almost a year ago, but I was holding on to a little bit of hope that he might be able to do something fun and interesting with the character. He doesn't. He never comes across as particularly 'mad'. Aside from speaking in two distinctive accents, one of them Scottish, and doing some bizarre dance at the end of the film, he doesn't really do anything crazy. Oh, every once in a while he gets pretty excited about what he's talking about and someone has to cut him off. Pretty crazy! Did you know that Anne Hathaway is in this film? I had no idea until she showed up halfway through dressed as the White Queen. Why is Anne Hathaway in this movie? There's not a moment when she's on screen that you won't be looking at her thinking, "Hey! You're Anne Hathaway. Why are you here?" That's because every moment she's on screen there is an expression on her face that says, "Hey! I'm Anne Hathaway. Why am I here?" It's really just one of those bizarre WTF casting decisions...
I really don't like the look of anything in this movie, aside from Tweele Dumb and Tweedle Dee and Helena Bonham Carter's giant-headed Red Queen. If there was one thing in this film that I 'almost' enjoyed, it was Bonham Carter, but after she said, "Off with his head!" for the twelfth time, I began to find her pretty annoying.
There's a moment near the end of the film where Alice finally admits to herself that she isn't dreaming, and is ready to accept her destiny and slay the Jabberwocky. It's supposed to be a grand, epic moment, but packs all the emotional punch of an episode of Garfield and Friends.
Why is Alice the only one who can wield the magical sword and slay the Jabberwocky? Why is Alice warned that the sword must not be used for anything aside from this single purpose? Why does Johnny Depp always need to wear white face paint in Tim Burton's movies? These are just a few of the questions that this film raises but fails to answer.
Go read Lewis Carroll's novel, or watch the Disney animated film. Or, go see this movie, since it appears that (somehow) approximately fifty percent of the people who see it have an opinion that completely opposes mine.
2 / 5 on the Awesome Meter