Alexander the Grating

Rating: Null/10 (8 February 2007)

An obvious labor of love for director Stone, who had this project in mind for years and years before it was completed, it is nonetheless a flawed and only moderately entertaining film. At 175 minutes, but without a clear focus and lacking compelling characters, it's more an endurance test than a pleasing movie-going experience. A wildly miscast Farrell plays the legendary leader of Macedonia who strove to conquer most of the known world in the mid 300's BC. Pushed onward by a driven, passionate mother (Jolie) and at odds with his tough, war-mongering father (Kilmer), he trudges through every known land he can reach, crushing the rulers and either adopting the populaces or selling them into slavery, all in the name of creating a world kingdom. Meanwhile, he attempts to create an heir with his wives, the most notable one being Dawson, while carrying on a life-long love relationship with his right-hand man Leto. Farrell, who was hired on the cheap before his star-power was high enough to prevent it, is all wrong for the part. He tries valiantly to inject feeling and passion into the role, but it's such a poorly drawn character and he's so physically wrong for it that he is defeated more often than he succeeds with it. Some people just shouldn't be blonde, at least not in the succession of ghastly wigs, ranging from Shirley Jones-esquire numbers to Billy Ray Cyrus mullets, he is given here. His thick Irish accent is also far out of place. No matter what they say about it being deliberate, there is no way that Kilmer, with his flat American accent, and Jolie, who speaks as if she's Miss Transylvania, could produce and raise a child with that accent. Cosmetics and accents aside, Farrell just isn't heroic enough or inspiring enough to take on this type of role. Jolie, swathed in snakes during most every appearance, looks great, but goes way over the top, becoming something out of a dark fairy tale rather than a historical figure. Kilmer is surprisingly acceptable. His ham acting suits the bravado and position of his ruddy character. Leto, in almost all of his scenes, looks lost, opening his mouth and darting his eyes as if he'd like to say something, but doesn't know what. The only exceptions are a pair of scenes between him and Farrell in which some real emotion is dredged up. Dawson has a topless wedding night scene which is destined to go down in the annals of camp history forever. A tiresome, difficult to understand Hopkins plays Ptolemy in a snore-inducing prologue and epilogue (along with bits in between) that never should have seen the light of day. The soldiers are played by a variety of solid performers, some of whom, like Rhys-Meyers, are thoroughly wasted. Veterans Blessed and Plummer also have just brief cameo roles. Many of the lines of the script, as well as character names, are swallowed by the actors as they either sink into their characters or fight to be heard over the clanking swords or other background noises. The film was difficult to make and features several stunning sets and costumes. However, like virtually all other epic films these days, it's loaded down with CGI, rendering most of its vistas and hordes of soldiers unbelievable. (For a glimpse of a major military battle with REAL people assembled for it, take a look at 1970's "Waterloo".) In one scene Farrell gives an endless, rambling, inspirational speech to his men, of whom maybe a hundred or so can actually hear him, though he has 40,000 troops! While Stone is to be credited for not shying away from the bisexual aspects of the story, he tiptoes around it so uncomfortably and leaves it so unexamined that when it appears it actually comes off as gratuitous instead of organic to the material. The 1956 version of "Alexander the Great" may have fallen short in many areas, but this is a massive, bloated, misguided debacle that will eventually be snickered at the same way some folks look back upon other sword & sandal campfests. Unable to accept defeat himself, Stone has recut the film TWICE to date, but there is no way to fix a film in which the lead (along with others) is miscast.