Where do I begin?!??!

Rating: Null/10 (27 November 2004)

To quote (and with apologies to) Michael Jackson...yes, it's bad, bad, really, really, bad. Since it opened Thanksgiving Weekend, I kept on thinking...how we could have saved so many poor turkeys' lives by feeding the American public this movie instead. Three agonizingly slow hours where I kept checking my watch to see if I was going to late for my appointment to have my fingernails torn out by their roots with a dull bread knife. Colin Farrell in "Mommy Dearest 300 B.C." with the most unbelievably bad hair dye job (where is the Breck Girl when you need her?) emoting in an Irish accent in the middle of Iraq. Memorable moments such as Alexander pumping up his troops with speeches that make Braveheart sound like the passage from Henry V. Jared Leto's love and death scenes where I couldn't decide whether to laugh or throw up. Angelina Jolie in a role where she gives birth to a son at the magically young age of 3, then attends the Showgirls School of Method Acting for Bad Girls and graduates Magnum Cum Laude. Anthony Hopkins, how you have fallen from Silence of the Lambs! Val Kilmer, who had so many doughnuts training for the role I thought he was actually Jeff Bridges, kill your agent. Oliver Stone, who must have written this script after several days of really good hits of the bong, kill yourself. In fact, Alexander was known for having periodic purges where he brutally, savagely, tortured and killed all who failed him. I would counsel executives at Warner Brothers...learn from history.