Like slamming my privates in a door, only not as fun.

Rating: 1/10 (18 December 2004)

Easily ~and I mean EASILY~ the worst film I've seen in 5 years.
I am baffled .... ~BAFFLED~ ... how someone .. ~ANYONE~ can take a MILLIONS of dollars, take a solidly reputable cast, the story about, arguably, the best conqueror to ever LIVE... and yet, make a story something so unbelievably TERRIBLE.. An absolute disgrace. I couldn't believe it.
Folks I've seen a LOT of films in my day, from all over the world, and I'll be honest here, it has left me dumbfounded how anyone can have anything good to say about this film. Seriously. It's the most poorly constructed film I've ever seen - I'm expecting my friend in film school to have to watch this as an instructional on how not to make a film. I'm not kidding.
First off, this 2 hour & 53 minute movie has 18 minutes of fighting. Spilt between just 2 battles. One of which Alexander doesn't clearly win, the other Alexander clearly loses.
The rest is BRUTALLY bad dialogue, directed TERRIBLY - repeating the same melodramatic purpose (or nothing at all) over and Over and OVER and ~OVER~.. It wasn't Battlefield Earth: "This-movie-sucks- so-sit-down-and-watch-this -because-you'll-die-laughing -at-these-people-who -thought-this-was-good" type of a bad movie. ... It's simply the most boring, God-forsaken, slapped together incoherent piece of @%$# I've seen in half a decade. Utterly horrible.
(At this point, my friend mentioned that now she wants to see it because it sounds so bad...) So I say........
Keep in mind, it's just plain BORING.. - although there are "parts" that are especially brutal, it's the movie as a whole that just sucks utterly. -- Try not to cringe at overly melodramatic lines like: "You can run.. but you can't run far enough!!!!" and fingernail-on-the-blackboard shrieks of "Noooo!!!" at all of the lamest of moments.
Try to ignore the following: -- that Colin Farrel's mom is Angelina Jolie and is basically the same age as him. -- that a lot of the statues look like they were made by a "The Learning Annex" paper mache class -- -- That the dialogue must've been written by high school students with a handy thesaurus... -- how many times they resort to "glances" to "the-pretty-boy-in-the-corner-with-no-name" again - just to try and kill even more time... -
.....So........ Much.......... Talking........(Punching Own Crotch...)
Folks, it's a cliché to say, but you'll never get these 3 hours back. Seriously.. I can't BELIEVE they made something so HORRIDLY boring. It blows my mind.
If the gods frown on you and you end up sitting through Alexander, try this: When Alexander is in the mountains and he stops marching and asks his friend/commander/whoever-he-was: "Where has our eagle gone?" Proclaim: "The peasants ate it!" You'll get a nice big laugh, trust me - Everyone will appreciate it -- and be shocked that someone was listening to the film.
To wrap the film up, when the big, glittery, slow-motion mystic eagle swoops towards the camera and the credits come up -- you'll be able to scream "Thank GOD!!!!" -- I did.
Kids, this is a glorious Symphony of Complete Garbage.. It is beyond my grasp how the story of the greatest warrior to walk the earth could have been told with such flimsy abandon. A mockery of celluloid of sheer disgraceful proportions.