Meeow

Rating: 3/10 (14 January 2005)

Oh dear. You know I really enjoy Oliver Stone's work, even when he's missing the target, like in the gloriously ludicrous 'Doors' movie, but I never expected to find myself staring at my watch and thinking 'get on with it'.
The warning signs are there right from the beginning. Anthony Hopkins, playing an ancient king of Egypt who had once served under Alexandera, recounts his experiences. It isn't too long before his memoirs, instead of engaging the audience, take on the tone of a boring classics teacher.
Maybe it was Stone's belligerence in trying to make a historically accurate film that scuppered it. Maybe he worked too closely with the Academics. By not taking liberties with the truth he has made a film too confusing and complicated to follow, even with King Ptolemy's - that was Hopkins' character - droning narrative. Not being an expert on this period of history, I hadn't got a clue who most of the people were, where they had come from and where they were going. The films' attempts to cover the more political, social, religious and economic aspects of the time meant over-long rambling scenes that just didn't work.
Once you've committed the fatal  movie  sin of not letting your audience emphasise with the characters, it's downhill from then on. And, of course, once you loose interest you start looking for other things to entertain you.
Let's start, and how can you not, with the amazing Angelina Jolie. Not content with chewing up the whole set she has decided to play the part with Ingrid Pitt's accent from Countess Dracula. If she'd have been appearing in a typical sword and sandals epic she would have been wonderful. In a pious effort like this, however, the other cast members (and the audience as well) all shuffle nervously away from her in an attempt to put as much distance between themselves and her as possible. And as for those poor snakes
And then there is the hair. I'm pretty sure Colin Farrell wears that permanent vexed expression throughout the film to convey the immense pressures of leadership, but it could also quite easily be caused by the thought of the current wig he has upon his head.
And then there's the bisexual issue. I would have a lot more time for Oliver Stone's protest about a homophobic backlash in the States, if the film's handling of Alexander sex life wasn't so fey itself. He has no problem with showing the brutality and savagery of battle, so why couldn't he have carried this on with Alexander's relationships. Instead we have Colin Farrell and Jared Leto staring mistily into each others eyes like some star-crossed lovers in a Mills and Boom novel. Surely the whole point about these pre-Christian times was that homosexuality was not equated as some limp-wristed weakness, that's very much a modern idiom. If anything it was the opposite, a re-enforcement of their masculinity.
Enough. This isn't even a flawed masterpiece, it's basically dull. Any redeeming features are few and far between. Yet I do hope it's not too disastrous a financial failure. I recently read a review of this film in which the critic said that he always eagerly awaits a new Olive Stone movie and is always disappointed. I totally agree with that, but this is a big disappointment.
All I can suggest to Mr Stone is to have a big roar  like Alexander's during his only sex scene, well 'Meow' more like  and move on. We'll all be waiting.