Half my brain died and can't read anymore.

Rating: 1/10 (27 June 2005)

Alexander. What have you done to me? I used to be able rate moves as good or bad but this boring incomprehensible piece of crap has created a whole new scale. Nothing else no matter how bad, can register on the Alexander scale. They are blip absorbed by the massive absurdity of this movie.
Writing this comment is hard. I'm lost to where to start. Okay, lets start with the accents. Even after the 10 or so hours, days even, this movie went for the Irish accents still stood out like dogs balls. It hurt my brain to hear some orange headed Scotsman plead to go back to family in Greece. Yes he said "arsh" I think he meant arse.
Hooboy I just remembered TAX SYSTEM! Firstly, I never knew the Greeks used their characters but spelt in language that didn't yet exist as the inhabitants of England were busy picking fleas off each other. The way it spelt would sound out "tah sgstim". Oh how about Cyprus? In the initial scene of the mosaic map Cyprus is spelt with Greek characters and two minutes later when it shown again its in English characters. You'd think $215 MILLION dollars would actually pay for someone to look for mistakes.
I doubt anyone watched this movie before it was released. If they did they should be shot, along with Oliver Stone and the rest of the cast. I hope the never work again. Why the hell couldn't they hire any Greek actors? I reckon the went down to Bridie O'Reily's picked a bunch of Guiness drinking hoons to cast for this film.
Staring is a good way to waste hours in film according to Stone. Alexander spends more time staring at Leto and the Sun than doing anything else. After staring at Leto he cries. A lot. After staring at the sun he gives a contrived monologue. In fact this movie is a whole bunch of monologues and crying scenes smashed together in random order.
And then we come to the battle scenes. Oh my God. I thought Alexander was the greatest military genius in the history of man. Not, bloke who rode blindly into enemy soldiers, while his army was half a kilometre behind him, then sat around on his horse staring off into the distance while the enemy stood around not killing him. The battle scenes made no sense, were difficult to follow and involved a lot of images of bloodied feet. What happened to famous Greek phalanx? It was more like the Persians vs. the Persians. Or even better a bloody football hooligan mêlée. All they needed were flares and darts, it would fit in with Irish, English and Scottish accents. Seeing as we're back on accents, Angelina Jolie's accent was something I'd expect to hear on 'Allo'Allo. She was nearly Russian, in fact here accent was more convincing than Sean Connery's in "The Hunt for Red October". At least Sean Connery can act.
Why was this movie so long? I thought the movie was nearly over when they took Babylon, what a mistake. It was like waking up on Monday and thinking it was Sunday. Alexander didn't age at all, his hair just got longer. I wish I could say the same for myself. By the end of the film, I needed to buy incontinence underpants and cash in my superannuation.
And why did we need to see a fat one eyed Val Kilmer sodomising a young boy? If I wanted to see that, I would have gone to the local Scout hall. It was simply unnecessary, like most scenes in this movie it seems like it was added at random.
"I'm trying to unite the people of Asia and Europe" what a load of spunk. Alexander was a conquerer and old-school ancient times conquerer, who conquered for the sake of conquering.
I could go on for ever about this movie but reliving the experience is becoming too painful. I think i need to take a dump.
THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE EVER.