Stone aims for the low of Troy and does slightly better than that.

Rating: 6/10 (28 November 2004)

Warning: Spoilers Below
Time for a public service announcement: Do not go see Alexander. I thought it was a 6/10 good, but I was the only one who even remotely the 170 minute epic. Therefore, allow me to tell you what most people will see in Alexander who don't love history (not like, love).
Memories from Alexander.
The movie begins with severely balding Anthony Hopkins addressing scantily dressed male slaves. Get used to the male skin, cause you're going to get to see a lot of it in this movie. There are points when you will honestly question whether you just wandered into a sado-masochist, gay porn shop.
After Hopkins rambles for approximately 150 minutes (give or take), we are treated to a wonderful cut to Angelina Jolie in bed with a young Alexander. This is a crucial scene in the movie because we are introduced to Alexander's mother, the snake fondler. Honestly, Jolie's only purpose is to walk around in Greek formal wear, apparently in a very air conditioned room, and fondle her snakes. She fondles boa constrictors, albinos, one snake, two snake, red snake, blue snake, and Green Eggs and Ham.
Unfortunately for those who practice bestiality with snakes, this scene comes to an abrupt end when Val Kilmer, King Philip, bursts in and begins an unsuccessful attempt to rape his wife. Jolie continues to act in a very cold room (or she enjoyed the rough foreplay).
Boring stuff happens for an ungodly long time then Alexander is king and attacking Babylon. This leads to an epic battle, set to the music from Blade Runner, between the Greeks and the Replicants. HAHA, just kidding. Seriously though, it's between the camera and dust, a battle in which dust is ultimately victorious as we don't see jack for most of this fight scene (Think of the battle at the end of Gangs of New York. Now, think of there being 290,000 people in a much heavier cloud of dust. Now, imagine having a constant nervous twitch where you are unable to focus on anything. Now, think of being blind. There, you've got the Alexander battle).
After the battle, Alexander kills one of his wounded soldiers. Alexander goes to Babylon and has sex with his male lover. Does this a lot apparently. Continues to be really boring. Alexander talks a lot about killing many more people.
Alexander ends up with his army in the Hindu-Kush and uses the opportunity presented by the plethora of beautiful women to film a lengthy topless scene with Rosario Dawson. She is truly and all-time great actress. She is in Alexander's bed for a good 20 minutes with her shirt off and never seems cold despite the obviously cool temperatures in the room. However, she's spared too much more time nude because Oliver Stone decided to save time and splice a scene in DIRECTLY FROM TROY!!!! Great idea! Let's put a crappy scene in from a crappy movie. That way, we'll make a good movie.
Alexander does more boring stuff. Then the movie shows us a guy on guy kiss, male genitalia (Mr. Goodwrench) and a fat, ugly, old woman's breasts. It was as if Oliver Stone were saying "I'm too old to sustain an erection so I'll make sure no one in my audience will have one for the next 50 years."
After completely ruining all good will men in the audience had for the movie, Stone decided it was time for a jungle battle. Stealing shots from Jurrassic Park, Stone makes sure that you realize that elephants are coming in through the woods. However, people around me were speculating what else it could be. Adam suggested a Tiger Tank, I suggested a T-Rex. But then Adam had a moment of great insight: it was a T-Rex driving a Tiger Tank. Unfortunately, the T-Rex could not fire the guns because his arms are too short.
Anyways, a battle that is even worse than the first takes place in which Alexander gets hit with an arrow laced with LSD. The screen goes psychedelic with red and dark colors and fighting all the while. Then the screen goes black and the movie ends.
Just kidding kiddies. We've still got another 30 minutes of film left! Alexander leads his army back to Babylon where his male lover dies.This is actually the funniest scene in the whole movie because Alexander's making a speech to the guy out an open window while you watch him writhe on the bed and die over his shoulder. Alexander being oblivious the whole time. He turns around and is shocked to see his favorite piece of ass stone-cold in the bed.
Well, Alexander handles this the only way one can. He gets a huge goblet of wine and drinks it all. He takes two steps and then falls down dead.
Just kidding, we've still got a 5 minute death sequence to go through. Then Alexander dies. Then they show his mother's reaction. Then they show the generals' reactions. Then they show Anthony Hopkins 40 years later. Then he talks some more. Then and only then, does the movie finally end.
On a scale from Troy to Braveheart, this is about a Patriot.