You've got to be kidding me...

Rating: 1/10 (29 June 2005)

I'm giving this film one star for the reason that it has absolutely no excuse whatsoever for its wretchedness. With a cast like it has, a budget ample enough for three good films, and a legend-centered plot sure to pique the viewer's interest well before the movie is even seen, it delivers a seriously despicable, laughable fiasco.
Of course it's set in ancient Greece. What's interesting is that Alexander sounds straight out of Dublin. And his mother? Why, it's Angelina Jolie, and she's...straight out of Prince Vlad of Tepes' castle in Transylvania. That's right, Vlad of the Dracul. I suppose miss Jolie spent some time watching Gary Oldman deliver his line, "Leesten to Dem! Di tcheeldren ov da nyyaat; vhat sveet muzik dai mike..." or "Alexander, Oi know vat veemen vi-ll do in yore loif..." Yes, it is that bad. So far no good.
As for Alexander's supposedly legendary tactical genius and indomitable character, here instead the viewer gets to watch the boy from Dublin with painfully obvious bleached streaks in his hair and freshly tinted eyebrows look at Jared Leto countless times with a facial expression that's half "Mommy can I have another cookie?" and half irritable bowel syndrome. Leto reciprocates, and captivates movie-goers with a luxurious dark mane of Paul Mitchell's finest work and eyes that make Dakota Fanning look Chinese.
Kilmer is wasted here, as is Hopkins. I didn't give a damn about either of their characters. Watch it yourself to see if you do.
As a boy I was fascinated by Greek mythology, Greek Tragedy and Comedy. I jump at any chance I can get to tack on extra elements of wonder to my understanding of these subjects. At least I learned something new by watching Alexander. His mother was a vampire wanna-be snake temptress and Alexander's horse had more charisma than he did. Yup, Alexander's horse gets my nomination for best actor.
JD