Where the heck was the vocal coach?

Rating: 4/10 (8 October 2005)

This movie was panned by critics and movie-goers alike, and though many people put a lot of time and effort into explaining why, the truth is that 90% of the blame can be attributed to one simple thing: The unbelievably bad 'accents' of most - if not all - of the main characters. Just as the audience is having some success in suspending their disbelief, trying not to notice that the settings look like bad CGI even when they aren't, getting over the fact that Alexander's mother (Angelina Jolie) doesn't appear to age over the course of 25 or 30 years, and accepting that the story is totally historically inaccurate, one of the main characters opens their mouth and speaks in some totally bizarre accent that reminds them that this is a movie, and a badly-done one at that.
Oh sure, at first it's okay - Anthony Hopkins' accent is a standard 'British theatre' kind of accent, and Christopher Plummer's Aristotle is in the same vein. But then the young Alexander starts migrating to some kind of inconsistent Scottish accent. At first you wonder why, but the answer soon becomes clear: Colin Farrell, who plays the grown-up Alexander - apparently can't manage a British theatre-type accent, and so delivers his lines in a slightly toned-down version of his normal Scottish-accented voice. Because Farrell can't get rid of his Scottish accent, the kid playing young Alexander has to use a Scottish accent for consistency's sake. On top of which, Alexander's father (Val Kilmer) then has to speak in some kind of bizarre hybrid of 'British theatre' and 'Scottish' accents in order to demonstrate how Alexander ended up with a Scottish accent! Angelina Jolie's accent is similarly atrocious: She seems to be using some kind of vaguely Eastern European or Russian-type accent, for reasons known only to herself. I think it's supposed to reinforce the fact that she comes from a different background than Alexander's father, but it's not only a bizarre choice (Russia and 'eastern Europe' didn't even exist at the time) but Jolie's delivery is so bad it's like watching a teenager in their first high school play. I thought her British accent in Tomb Raider was reasonably well done - why didn't they just let her use that, instead of these amateur-hour rolled-Rs? As we've seen with other Oliver Stone films, even the most far-fetched, historically-inaccurate plot and the most schlocky dialogue can be redeemed by decent 'delivery' by first-rate actors (and, whatever else you might say, Hopkins, Jolie, Farrell and Kilmer are all recognized as 'serious' actors). Hopkins, Jolie et all have been in the business for a long time - so why didn't one of them speak up and say, "Hey Oliver, you need to get us a vocal coach, dude. We are totally sucking here." More importantly, why didn't Oliver Stone recognize that their accents were ruining any chance he had at making Alexander successful at the box office and with critics?