Pointless, bland, disappointing

Rating: 1/10 (11 April 2005)

I like historical epics; really, I do. When they're well done.
There's a couple of rules that apply to all films, be they thrillers, romances, or historical epics. One of them is that there has to be a theme, a central story the film is telling. Alexander has no theme.
The story completely falls apart; what we're watching is a little timid man, never a once likable, who leads a campaign far into the east for no reason really other than that he likes killing people and conquering places, apparently. And not even that we buy: he doesn't come across as that kind of person.
The writing is awful. Non-chronological storytelling is cool and all, but once more, you need to have a reason to it. When the assassination of King Phillip is first skipped to be then told later-on in a flashback, we wonder why. There's a weak connection in a character Alexander killed in the future that we see recommended as trustworthy friend to Alexander in the flashback, but that doesn't justify the flashback.
The visuals: very disappointing for this kind of budget. There were occasional eye-openers, but there were too few of them, and they happened too rarely. Generally, the movie consists of angry men yelling at each other with not the least hint of civilization about them. We never care for any of their stories; they just yell at each other and then return to being gay.
Now, my last point. It seems everyone concentrates on the homosexuality of this film. That is really missing the point, but if I have to say something about this quickly, I'll say this: even THIS aspect they got entirely wrong. Homosexuality was not even a concept back then. So men lay with boys and girls; so what. The film treats the concept from a modern point of view, and that's just retarded. One old man looked all shocked and disgusted after Alexander gave him a kiss; the Greek army-men joked "what about the boys" when Alexander promised their wives dowries befitting of heroes, and they joked in such a way that it was implied this was a great taboo topic. It just wasn't. So no, the homosexuality aspect doesn't get in the way any more than the rest of this crappy film (it gets old very soon, and that's all), but even that they did not get right.
This was a waste of great historical material. Watch something else.