From Great to Mediocre

Rating: 3/10 (14 January 2005)

I love the story of Alexander the Great and I've read several history books about him, plus the Manfredi Trilogy and I've seen numerous documentaries etc. I also have the original 1957 movie on DVD (with Dickie Burton) - which is actually a super movie, and is quite accurate - they used Prince Phillip of Greece (who was an Alexander scholar) to ensure historical accuracy.
Anyway, back to this new Alexander - it is quite simply total garbage. There is so much wrong with I don't even know where to begin...however I'll give it a try. Before getting into the historical aspects of the movie, I can't avoid mentioning the most bizarre thing about the movie - everyone in Macedonia speaks with a thick Irish accent...I kid you not...even Val Kilmer (who plays Phillip II) puts on the thickest Irish accent imaginable...indeed, you'll be intrigued to know that Miley (and I don't mean merely the actor Mick Lally, I mean Miley - a country-bumpkin type buffoon from an Irish rural soap called Glenroe!) appears in a scene as a horse dealer....
But back to the movie...now for those of you who may not know much about Alexander, there are a few of very important battles in his life...
Charonea (where he fought as a general under his father, commanding the Macedonian right). This battle established Macedonia as the leader of the Greek Federation Thebes (after Phillips death the other Greek states thought they'd revolt now that there was a kid on the throne of Macedon). This established Alexander as Lord of Greece Granicus - the first battle on Persian soil, and the first against Memnon of Rhodes, Darius Greek general The Siege of Harnicclus The Siege of Tyre (Alexander built a causeway almost 1km long out to the island city to take it) The Battle of Issus (the first time Alexander fought Darius) However, not one of these battles appears in the movie - instead, the first battle shown is Gaugemala (or Arabela) - which was actually the last major engagement fought against Persia...now this battle scene is done pretty OK but its inaccurate in a lot of the major facts...but that aside, this is the only action in the movie (apart from a small battle scene in India which isn't really explained, but I think it's the one at the Indus River against King Pontus).
But there are so many things wrong with the movie, I mean it is just so bad it's unreal...
Angelina Jolie plays his mother (Olympia) - and she's the same age as Colin Farrell Olympia has a Dracula-type accent? And she is also presented a kind of witch...which is not really that true, she had weird beliefs but she was very much a queen The battle tactics are all wrong - which is the whole reason the Phillip and then Alexander were so successful...Alexander did not fight on foot as seen in the movie. The whole concept behind Macedonian tactics at the time was the hammer and the anvil. The anvil - the phalanx with Sarissas "locked" the enemy into a pushing match, while the cavalry, organized in tight-wedges, 50 in each, with each horse locked closely against the opposing riders legs, punched a whole (the hammer) into opposing formations. The Macedonian cavalry at the time was the best in the world - it was effective because of it's "dragon's teeth" or wedge formations - they did not charge as individuals or in lose formation.
His sexuality is misrepresented...while it is likely he slept with Hephaestion, he was also very much heterosexual in his appetites...from slave-girls, to Barsine (Memnon's widow), to priestesses to Persian Princesses. Indeed, he wasn't gay or straight - but merely "normal" for a Greek at that time.
His personality is misrepresented - he was not a good guy - nor a bad guy for that matter...but both, and also neither...but he was certainly not the good guy we see in the movie - while capable of wonderful acts he was also capable of the most barbaric and horrific acts too. He once dragged a Persian governor behind his chariot for a couple of hours, as his ancestor Achilles did with Hector - but at least Hector was dead at the time...the Persian was very much alive for his chariot jaunt. He also killed 10,000 Tyreans, and sold the remaining 30,000 into slavery...
A lot of major characters are also misrepresented - Parmenion especially - he was far from a bungling winger who failed to hold the left at Gaugemala - Parmenion did not fail Alexander once and was by far the best of his general's...Phillip once remarked when discussing the fact that the Athenians elected several generals each year that they were obviously awash with generals but that he (Phillip) had only ever encountered one (Parmenion) But all of that aside, even if you knew zero about Alexander the Great, the movie is still garbage - it's boring, confusing, slow moving and contrived....they also managed to make the plot seem stretched and lacking in significant events, which seems almost impossible when you are talking about a guy who died aged 32, having subdued Greece, conquered Persia, founded 16 cities, married 3 times, conquered almost 100 cities, butchered tens of thousands, freed tens of thousands, fought in 10 major battles, traveled 10,000 miles, crossed mountains, rivers, seas...a man who was a philosopher, a theologian, a general, a king, an emperor, an explorer, a dreamer, a butcher, a destroyer, a builder, a psychopath, a lover, a hater,a patriot and a traitor all rolled into one...yet the makers of this movie make him look about as interesting as belly lint...