Stone and Farrell, defeated by Hephaistion's thighs

Rating: Null/10 (25 November 2004)

At the beginning of "Alexander", Ptolemy, Greek pharaoh of Egypt, tells us that "Alexander was never defeated, except by Hephaistion's thighs". (This line is no invention of Oliver Stone's, but a quote variously attributed to Cynic philosophers or a poet named Claudius Aelianus.)
Alas, what was true of Alexander the hero proves to be equally true of "Alexander" the film, as well as its director, Oliver Stone, and its lead actor, Colin Farrell. Sad to relate, all three fall on the same stumbling-block: their inability to deal squarely with the importance of Hephaistion in Alexander's life.
One wonders what on earth possessed Stone to tackle this project, and to cast Farrell in the title role. Never were two men more ill-suited to the task. Both are fatally hampered by their own swaggering machismo -- and the homophobia that lingers in Hollywood and America at large -- from being able to understand, appreciate and convey, with any verisimilitude, the physical passion and emotional connection that Alexander and Hephaistion must have felt.
Stone and Farrell never allow the two historic lovers to do more than give each other a bear hug or, at best, a back rub. There is no on-screen kiss, let alone any nudity or lovemaking.
In an early scene, we see Alexander and Hephaistion as 12-year-old boys, wrestling at the gymnasium, chastely clad in loincloths. This is patently inaccurate, since Greek men and boys wore nothing more than olive oil -- and perhaps a laurel wreath -- when they engaged in athletic activities, including the Olympic Games. But in America's current climate of anti-sexual hysteria, it would of course be quite impossible to show the historical reality.
This is only one of many anachronisms in the film. For instance, we are told the extent of Alexander's empire in square miles -- an English measure of area, where the Greeks might have used hectares instead. But worst of all, most intrusive and annoying, is the plethora of Irish brogues heard from the male cast, primarily Colin Farrell himself, the young actor who plays Alexander as a boy, and Val Kilmer as his father, Philip of Macedonia. I am tempted to believe that this casting was a deliberate decision, based on Farrell's inability to neutralize his own native accent.
Some scenes seemed derivative, echos of other celebrated films. At one point, we see the ground strewn with wounded men, and the camera dollies back for a wide-angle shot. I half expected to see Scarlett O'Hara in her straw bonnet and faded calico dress, and the tattered Confederate flag waving in the breeze.
The score by Vangelis also struck me as derivative. One bar in particular sounds strangely familiar -- I'm almost positive it was lifted from an opera aria.
The ancient Greeks had a saying that "an army of lovers cannot fail". Oliver Stone's "Alexander" fails for precisely that reason: it does not allow Alexander and Hephaistion to be lovers, as they undoubtedly were in life and will always remain in history.