Troy was disappointing, this was infuriating.

Rating: 1/10 (1 December 2004)

I had heard from many, many people before walking into the theater that this movie was bad, but I figured - hey, maybe there'll be some epic battles I can enjoy if nothing else. There wasn't even that.
NOTE: Be forewarned, I may have given some spoilers away in my blind rage.
To begin, we are given Anthony Hopkins (who I like) as some old man dictating the life of Alexander to a scribe. Luckily for us, he also serves as a History Channel-esque narrator to TELL us what happens when Oliver Stone was too lazy to SHOW us. For instance, instead of SHOWING how Alexander became great by conquering Persia and Egypt, we are given a (terribly shot and edited) battle scene in the middle of the desert, where Alexander all but loses. Directly following, Anthony Hopkins tells us, "and then Persia was defeated."
The story doesn't give us much. For me, I got out of it that Alexander was a flamboyant ass who marched an army further and further east until he was defeated in India. What's great about that? Oliver Stone assumes we already KNOW that he's great (he DOES have that surname, he MUST be great), and reminds us by having various characters tell Alex that he's great.
On top of that, the cinematography was abysmal. I mean, doesn't he know that there are other shots in existence other than the over-the-shoulder shot? And in the battle scenes, I guess he decided, like Wolfgang Peterson with "Troy," that it would be really great if no one could see what was happening. The camera was so shaky, I nearly screamed "USE A FREAKING TRIPOD!!" in the middle of the theater. Then there were the completely unnecessary shots, wherein some object would hold the center screen for a long period of time, completely at random. Ugh. The photography was either boring, unnecessary or unwatchable, or all of the above.
I have many, many specific instances that I could tear at with rage (such as the super-slow-motion not-quite-death scene), but the main thing that really bugs me is how badly Oliver Stone told this story. I mean, it's Alexander the Great! How can you go wrong?? Well, he definitely did. I've never walked out of a movie before, and I only stopped myself by thinking, "well, there may be a sweet battle scene at the end." No such luck - and the movie dragged on and on and ON.
Unfortunately, I don't think I've given my rage enough justice in this review. The point is, don't see it, it sucks, and sucks for three hours.