Recommended, for a very limited audience

Rating: Null/10 (28 November 2004)

I can recommend Alexander to anybody who likes El Cid, Khartoum and The Fall of the Roman Empire. I had problems with the movie. Let me count some of the ways. First, Angelina Jolie plays Alexander's mother. Talk about child bride  she's one year older than Colin Farrell, Alexander, in real life. There's (naturally) an incestuous relationship implied. And Alexander's father is Val Kilmer, who's only about 15 years older than Farrell. I don't think boys of that age generally reached puberty in ancient Greece due to a lack of protein.
Second, in the beginning of the movie, Kilmer relates some Greek legends to Alexander the boy. This is glossed over much too quickly; the stories are really interesting and bear on the rest of the movie. They constantly refer to them, but unless you're really knowledgeable, most pass over your head. I guess Oliver Stone considered this only marginally important background. He had to cut something (the film's 3 hours as is) because he had to fit in endless, repetitive, boring homosexual stuff that's probably fictitious. As we know from many movies, all REAL men are as least a little bit gay. (I guess this is my third problem. I'll quit counting.)
Next, in his first manifestation of the king and leader he was to become, little Alex tames a wild horse by, oh my God, whispering to him. Who'd have thunk that in addition to conquering the known world (more later), Alexander invented horse-whispering almost 2500 years before anybody ever heard of it. Was Robert Redford a co-writer? He didn't get screen credit.
Next, while in northeastern Persia on endless pursuit of his arch rival, Darius (who looks like a Hollywood-ized version of some current arch rival of America who will remain nameless), Alexander marries the daughter of some local chieftain. Now you'd think that since they were so specific about where Alexander was when he married her, they'd get some actress who looks vaguely Asian. But no. This one must have been from that little-known tribe of Africans who lived in central Asia circa third century B.C. Naturally, she looked like Alexander's much beloved and hated mother. Oh well, she had a nice pair, so that settles that. On their wedding night, she pulls a knife on him which leads to some rough sex. A little S&M is always necessary. Did I mention she had a weird tattoo on her body?
Too many spectacular scenes (Babylon, most of the battles) look like CGI run amuck. But one involved elephants, so unless you're a real Sabu fan, that's unusual. (By the way, Sabu owned a seafood restaurant in Monterey.) Of course, when Alexander is killed, it's in slow motion. Holy Sam Peckinpah! But like E.T., he doesn't die. He recovers! (Music swells as yet another movie cliché is checked off.) A plus is that the formulaic background music (Vangelis; think Chariots of Fire) and noise often covers a lot of forgettable dialogue that often is unrelated to anything in particular. In fact, there sometimes seemed to be little linkage between one sequence and the next. I don't think we saw an out-of-order print, but you never know.
Of course, it was necessary that lower-cast Greeks have cockney accents. And the fact that I couldn't tell one of Alexander's friends from the other must be my fault. One friend kept showing up over and over again, never said a word, and was never referred to at all. Who was he supposed to be, another one of Alexander's lovers? An early version of Jesus? (Mustn't forget the evangelicals.)
Isn't it a truism that one one-eyed character in a movie is enough? This one has two. You can really tell them apart: one is missing his left eye, the other his right.
They constantly make reference to the "known" world, like "I've conquered the known world." I find this a little anachronistic, or do you think they knew more than we give them credit for? And Alexander said he wanted to unite Asia and Europe and - holy world brotherhood! He stopped short of reference to the United Nations. (Speaking of geography, the Mediterranean is referred to as the Middle Sea, but on one map it's labeled Mediterranean.)
All in all, not the worst movie I've seen this year  that's Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Come to think of it, Angelina Jolie was in that, too. Maybe there's a message here. And in THAT movie, she wore an eye patch. By George, I think I've got it!
Hey, nobody smoked a cigarette.