Like eating room-temperature oatmeal while looking out a picture window with a great view and enjoying awesome music

Rating: 5/10 (25 November 2004)

I had hoped, despite the critics' words (which are often wrong concerning "thinker" movies, says I), that Alexander would not only be beautiful to look at, but also moving - at least sporadically (such as Troy; Peter O'Toole was marvelous, and Brad Pitt was sufficiently moving that at least I cared and felt bad when he died). But Alexander disappointed on almost every front (notable exceptions: spectacular cinematography, wondrous music).
THE CAST was adequate yet not noteworthy; Angelina Jolie was pretty to look at and had a mysterious accent (was that brito-Italian?) but simply didn't come across as anything but stuck on snakes and her son and destroying Philip (her husband). Val Kilmer was so crusty seemed like he was reading his lines from a teleprompter; didn't seem like a leader at all. Colin Ferrall just didn't seem too dramatic, although you do get to see another, lighter, side to his acting capabilities - some pleasantly jovial moments - but no hint or shadow of charisma was demonstrated; one is left to wonder, if Alexander was like THIS why didn't someone shoot, poison or castrate him when he was going through his whiny teenager stage? Anthony Hopkins looked as if his lines moved him, but simply didn't movingly deliver. Since these actors are all great, I can only suppose that the scriptwriters, directors and editors missed their mark; sort of like having all the ingredients for a perfect chocolate cake and coming out with a burnt brick.
THE CONTEXT, though beautiful to look at (the Babylon set/scenery was especially nice), simply seemed, well, stupid. The "generals" and other military leaders, who never seemed much to respect Al were frumpy - as if all thought Rosanne Barr was the role model for each of them. The homosexual liaison between Al and his best friend was simply overplayed (note: if such relationships were so common, why did NOBODY ELSE in the movie have one?). I think intimacy of friendship could've been portrayed more authentically and been more subtle on the points of whether their relationship was a "friendship with benefits" or not. And what was it with the gay dancers? (Again: if it was so common, why was Al the ONLY one who got his juices flowing?)
NOT MOVING - and that was truly sad. When Alexander died I was actually relieved because I could go home. I was brought near or actually to tears NOT AT ALL; coming from a crybaby (hey, I was even moved to tears a few times (not due to disappointment) during Star Wars Episode II). The story simply failed to deliver.
Can't say enough good about the beautiful sweeping vistas and Vangelis-typical perfect and moving music. The music did its best to move me despite the mediocre storytelling, but all it could do was at least give me something to smile about. I give the movie a solid 5 - not too bad, not too good; sort of like eating room-temperature oatmeal enjoyed while looking out a picture window with a great view and having some awesome music in the background.
PS Collin's brief full monty was just dumb; maybe they hoped some eye candy for the ladies of both sexes would make up for the potholes plaguing the flick.