Alexander the Great Big Piece of Crap

Rating: Null/10 (18 November 2004)

Alexander is easily the worst movie I've seen in the last five years. It is perhaps the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. The story line is hard to follow, the acting is beyond terrible, and the cinematographer should be exiled. Oliver Stone could have TRIED to make one of the greatest generals in history look more ridiculous, but I don't think he could have succeeded. The characters are flat and unbelievable. Some of the action is shown in fast-forward, which is very strange because it's jerky enough that you know it's sped up, but not so jerky that it seems like the viewer was supposed to be able to tell it's sped up. Also, some of the camera work is just way too whimsical for a movie about an ancient general. There's one shot during a triumphal procession where the camera zooms in on Alexander's head and whips around while confetti falls and twinkly music starts playing. It's utterly laughable. This movie is so awful that not even Anthony Hopkins could save it. Not only is it bad, it's incredibly long. When I saw it, the theater was cleared before the screen even faded to the credits.
That said, run -- do not walk -- to see this movie. I think that all Americans need to see Alexander so that each and every one of us can know without a doubt what a bad movie is. You cannot comprehend how awful this movie is from my review because the world has never seen anything like it before. You need to see it for yourself.