What a joke!

Rating: 2/10 (4 August 2005)

There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said a million times over, considering there are now over 90 pages of reviews of 'Alexander'. However, since I lost three hours of life watching this, I feel compelled to add my two cents.
I am a lover of film, both bad and good. I had heard the bad reviews of this film, but was curious to see this based on the 'bisexual' controversy, not to mention it being helmed by Mr. Stone....how bad could it be? I think a precedent has been set in the bad movie pantheon. And not bad movie as in 'Showgirls', but bad movie as in 'The Postman'.
My complaints are the same as the others I have read....
1. The casting agent should never be allowed to cast another movie EVER. Angelina Jolie as Colin Farrell's mother and sharing scenes with the adult Alexander...who's bright idea was it to cast two actors of the same age as parent and child? The last time we saw this was in 1974's 'Earthquake', when Lorne Greene tried to pass as Ava Gardner's father. This was so much worse. The CGI crows feet and veins on Ms. Jolie's face did not work.
2. Colin Farrell's horrendously bad bleached blonde mullet wig, was Alexander also a fan of bad 80's hair metal bands?? Distracting is too tame a word for his hair do, it should have also had top billing. His character would have looked more at home with a 'Ratt' or 'Skid Row' sleeveless T-shirt on than the little leather mini skirts he kept sporting.
3. Angelina Jolie's hilarious Vampira accent made me wonder how many takes it took for the crew to stop cracking up when they filmed the scenes....everyone I watched it with laughed and laughed at every word she spoke. I blame this not on Jolie, but on Stone's lack of common sense when directing her.
4. The oft mentioned sex scene with Farrell and Rosario Dawson...if Farrell is ever 'roasted' in later life, this is certainly the scene that will be shown to humiliate him. Was he channeling a lion? An alley cat in heat? It has to be seen to be believed.
5. While I give Mr. Stone a lot of credit for including the bisexual aspect to the story, the scenes were uninspired. Jared Leto had more make up on than most of the women, and looked like he was ready to go to a Depeche Mode concert circa 1982, crimped hair and all. I would have preferred one kickarse roll in the hay scene with Farrell and Leto rather than the shots of them staring at each other over and over and over. Also, why did the 'gay' men all look like women?
6. A movie about Greeks with no actual Greeks in the cast? There were so many accents from all nations, I got confused and thought perhaps this was the Olympic games. Why not hire a credible Greek cast to AT LEAST fill in the supporting roles. A Greek historical figure with an Irish Americanaccent, how did Mr. Stone ever sell this to the studio?
7. The battle scenes, what happened there? While it certainly upped the gore quotient, who cares when you can't tell who is doing what to who? And why not have some discussion as to the strategies involved in winning the battles, is that too much to ask?
8. Was it really necessary to make the male child actors wear lipstick?
9. The music, a new low. It was all Hollywood spectacle music, and did not follow the plot in the least. Very generic and sweeping and lots of harps, I can't tell you how many times the group I watched this with rolled their eyes and discussed how bad the music was.
10. Alexander's war helmet, what was that all about? It was gold and seemed to have additional room to allow his mullet to breathe, it was out of a bad 50's sci-fi movie.
It's a punch in the gut to realize many of these actors all made millions of dollars to be in this movie.
I gave it two stars for Colin Farrell's nude scene, which unfortunately is the only good thing I got from the film. I would have preferred to see those five seconds and just get the rest of my life back that I lost to this movie.