So bad it (almost) borders on being good

Rating: 3/10 (23 February 2008)

Wow, it's been a long time since I giggled so much watching an epic. For starters, we have Alexander, with his golden hair and Irish accent that makes you wonder whether he's looking for the ends of earth or his lucky charms, whose tale is narrated by Anthony Hopkins in his Hannibal Lector voice. They lead us through a dizzying, poorly structured epic tale that wanders over what feels like six hours but apparently is just under three. Along the way we meet his psychotic parents played as cartoons by Angelina Jolie and Val Kilmer. (seriously, was Angelina Jolie supposed to be a vampire?)
He's also supported by his band of merry men, all wigged and eye-shadowed out. There's some particularly bad acting provided by Jonathan Rhys Meyers (shouting his way in an apparent audition for his role on the Tudors), but everyone basically spends a lot of time screaming at each other or making meaningless loud speeches.
There are a lot of pretty shots, some interesting dance and party scenes, and numerous really bad sex/romance scenes. In the meantime to fill the endless spaces in the movie we get to seen teen angst, sexual frustration, Rosario Dawson in more eye make-up than all her other movies combined, way too much of Colin Ferrel (who oddly does not look good in sheer fabric), several death scenes so overwrought you wonder if the actors were just giddy that the movie was finally over for them.
And the truest sign of any great film? The use of a red filter over battle scenes, together with overwrought music. I suppose I should just be glad Stone didn't rent Our Lady of Soundtrack Sorrow to wail over all the final scenes.