I would have rather done homework!

Rating: Null/10 (4 December 2004)

Where to begin? The question WHY is the first that comes to mind. Why can't epic fight scenes be filmed in a way where we actually SEE what's going on? What is this trend as of late to make the camera as jittery as possible and the cuts as random and quick as possible during large scale battles, of which there are only TWO in all of Alexander's three hours? There is sometimes nothing but shifty gold chain-mail on the screen. Literally nothing else. Just armor going back and forth for no reason and in-between shots of Colin Farrell's dumb-struck expression of which he manages to slip into every scene. Is this supposed to convey the confusion and horror of warfare? It certainly disorients. But last time I checked that wasn't the point of going to the movies.
Before I sift further through this heap of ridiculous dialog and imagery, let me point out four good things about Alexander. One: the scene when he tames the horse was cool. Two: Rosario Dawson is nude for one scene. Three: Lot's of close ups of Angelina Jolie Four: The scene when Alex goes up against an elephant is cool too.
None of these are reason enough to waste your time. I should have stayed home and written a paper for my Gov Ec class instead of seeing this film. The music is purposeless and downright cheesy during long speeches and far too short fight scenes. The acting...well, there's too much of it. Nobody is just being natural in this movie. Everyone is trying to be Creek or Roman or a Tribesman or an Indian or something. And Colin, well, he's better suited for Dare Devil. A resurrected Bull's Eye would be a better fit than the role of Alexander.
I'm busting with bad things to write so let me focus on other criticisms. People are complaining that there's too much violence. It's a movie about war. What are you expecting? When two armies run together they're not doing so to drop the sharp things they're carrying to hug. If anything there's not enough violence. There's far too much talking and thinking and moaning and complaining for a movie about a man who's supposed to be the tough guy to end all tough guy's.
And I think the brutality of Alexander, the true strength and iconic status which this warrior possessed, could have been shown even with the bi-sexual element remaining. The man-love in this movie didn't irritate me because I'm against it. I honestly don't care. What irritates me is the way it's portrayed. The scenes between Alexander and the guy he loves (I can't remember his name to save my life) are written horribly. The dialouge is utterly cliché. It would have been just as awful if it was a scene between the more traditional man and woman. This is my point, that the frustrating thing about the character is not that he's bi-sexual, it's that it's Colin Farrel trying to act bi-sexual. It is impossible to believe that these two are actually in love. Not only are their faces unconvincing, the way they say their lines is as if they were uncomfortable to do so.
And because Colin tried to handle this "feminine" side to the warrior as best he could, the barbaric side is completely lost. Alexander is a whinny little boy. The female characters are much stronger than he. The duality to this man should have been left in the hands of far more experienced actor, and dare I say it a far better writer/director than Oliver Stone. It would have been very interesting to see a bi-sexual warrior in a well-done film. It could have been controversial on a much larger scale and could have exposed American audiences to something they're not used to.
But my main point is, why take away battle sequences that could be both artistic and entertaining (which would also provide depth to Alexander) and substitute them with unending speeches about glory and death and betrayal and yada yada yada. This film is bad. Plain and simple. It is almost not worth the time I've spent to write about it.
In the end, I come back to the question of Why. Why are people making movies like these, spending years and millions to produce something that is so obviously unnecessary. The people in the audience were more interesting than what was on the screen. I found myself checking my watch more times than I can count. And I have a long attention span!
Do yourself a favor and stay home, or just watch BraveHeart or Gladiator again and call it a day.