I was so hopeful...(spoilers)

Rating: Null/10 (7 December 2004)

When I first heard word that Oliver Stone was making 'Alexander', I was hopeful. When I saw the trailer, I was excited. Therefore, I was happy to give up my Thanksgiving night to go and see a great, great movie. What I got, however, was 'Alexander'.
Let's get the obvious out of the way. I know that bisexuality was widely accepted in Greek culture, as it is in this culture, but Colin Farrell and Jared Leto making googly eyes at each other made me wince. During the part where they are musing about how much they need each other, everyone in the theater shifted in their seats and coughed or cleared their throats. Yeah, it was that bad. The default reaction is to call me a homophobe--which is correct. But homophobe or not, any straight man would cringe at the the sight of that pretty boy dancer shaking his moneymaker. Moving on.
Now, if you were to take out all things gay about this movie, it would still be awful. At almost three hours it was like taking sleeping pills but having your little brother shake you every ten seconds. The dialogue is hammy, the acting is 'Days of Our Lives' caliber, and the two all too brief battle scenes in this hefty 180-minute chunk of slumber are really confusing and poorly filmed. Not to mention that Stone all of a sudden decides to invite the 60's over in the last battle sequence. Angelina Jolie's accent, as well as Rosario Dawson's, was mind-numbing. I expected her to spew insults at a moose and squirrel at any moment.
Oddly enough, the only redeeming quality about this flick was the hot-despite-Boris-and-Natasha-accent Angelina Jolie. That is, until they painted the varicose veins on her face. Woof.
So, bottom line, 'Alexander' a 3 out of 10. Go and see 'the Incredibles'. Please.