A pitiful, over-achieving flop

Rating: Null/10 (17 November 2004)

This movie is bad. There, I've said it.
As much respect as I have for Oliver Stone, he just plain tried too hard on this one. Fitting the entire life saga of one of history's greatest conquerors in one movie (albeit a painfully long movie) simply will not work. It didn't work for King Arthur, it didn't work for Troy (entertaining as that movie was), and it didn't work for Alexander.
This movie was bad on so many levels that it's hard to know where to begin. Let's start with the timeline -- or rather, complete lack thereof. Alexander was nothing more than a series of barely connected skits put together in random order. There were so many "40 years later" and "8 years earlier" that I thought I was watching a compilation of Quantum Leap. On the rare occasion that scenes did go in chronological order, there was no transition between one overly dramatic skit to the next.
And that brings us to the second problem with this movie. Never before has a cast so clearly defined the limits of their acting abilities. The overly emotional (and utterly too obtrusive) musical score almost made me forget that Angelina Jolie's most significant role involved shooting historical relics, not being one. The drama between her and son Colin Farrell was straight off an episode of The OC, it was that thick and unbelievable. And as much as I respect Oliver Stone for taking on the unfortunate job of trying to portray Alexander's complicated sexuality, the theatre literally erupted with laughter every time one of the actors tried to give another a significant look. I'm serious, this movie was so ridiculous I thought I was watching something staring Jimmy Fallon. And if Anthony Hopkins looks mournfully off into nowhere one more time, I'll cry.
The hilarity goes on and on. There were so many overly-dramatic speeches that even the director seemed to get bored, when at one point during a overly dramatic pre-battle speech he abruptly cut to a nonsensical shot of an eagle over the battle field. I'm serious, Colin Ferrel's words just ceased, and suddenly there was this eagle. And then they started again, at some other point in some other sentence. And how about that random hairy Greek with the Scottish accent? If you're going to fake an accent, at least fake a correct one. Or better yet, just don't speak at all. That'd make the movie much, much better. And will someone ever hire a cameraman that doesn't have Parkinson's? Not all battles happened during earthquakes. It gets nauseating.
Not that this movie was a complete loss. It was big-budget, and that shows with some really cool scenery and costumes. But the over-the-top acting was unforgivable. There was no way to take it seriously. Unless you truly don't care about anything but eye candy, don't waste your time.