What? Wait...who...when...ummm...OK?

Rating: 2/10 (6 November 2006)

I have only seen the Director's Cut on DVD, so maybe that is the source of my problem, but after three viewings I still have no idea what this movie is about. I mean, the movie claims it's about Alexander and as I recall there was a character named Alexander in the film. However, the name seems to be the only similarity between this character and the historical figure. This Alexander couldn't stand up to a grape embargo, much less the Persian Army. Still, the movie is called Alexander and Oliver Stone swears that it is really about Alexander, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and attempt to get through this.
Here's what I have been able to piece together after 3 viewings: Colin Farrell is Alexander born of Phillip the insanely ugly and Queen Angelina Jolie who apparently had an excellent cosmetic surgeon that kept her pretty much the same age for decades. The cost of these procedures may explain why she moonlights as a snake charmer.
At some point our man Alex does...something...which apparently irks the Persian guy which leads up to the "climatic" first battle to decide once and for all who is the goofier king. Oh wait, there's a Persian Guy that is King of Persiayou have to piece that together on your own a bit but the movie does provide some clues to help. Anywho, Persian guy is clearly going with his guy in a dress and too much makeup cabaret act, while Alexander is banking on a bad Mel Gibson impersonation. This of course is left unfinished so Alex goes to Babylon to moan and whine to his Not-Boyfriend Jared Leto.
After awhile, Alex and his entourage of special makeup effects test subjects go to...that other place that could be modern day Pakistan, or the Russian Steppes but could also be rural Indiana for all we know and there they kill a whole lot of guys that may live there...or perhaps were lost. Overall those guys just die and it really doesn't matter cause the drag queen King of Persia is dead and you can't possibly care. Oh and Alex gets hitched, which seems to make the Snake Queen back home upset but again caring about it is also not in the cards. Oh and Alex sleeps with a eunuch but clearly and pointedly does not sleep with his Not-Boyfriend Jared Leto. The film cannot stress enough how much Alexander does not sleep with his Not-Boyfriend Jared Leto. At least 12 to possibly as much as 2,000 hours of the film are dedicated to this fact alone.
OK, so then they go to India and your heart soars because you actually know where they are for a moment. Then there are snakes (possible agents of Queen Angelina? You make the call) and one of the guys that hangs out with Alex gets run through with a spear by Alex but you really don't know who he is and you care even less. Then Alex gets beat up by an Elephant, goes back to Babylon and dies. Was he poisoned like his Not-Boyfriend may have been? Who knows, we're 47,000 hours into this film and don't have time for another sub-plot. Cut to the obligatory old British actor (Tony "Can I have my money now" Hopkins) who was cast in the role of Tony Hopkins for a futile attempt to explain the last 273,159.25 hours of the film. Role Credits...wake up audience...dispose of the bodies of the people who literally died of boredom or perhaps took their own life favoring suicide over this filmdistribute pamphlets and suggested reading material to further illustrate that Alexander at no time during this film slept with his Not-Boyfriend Jared Letoset up for the next showing.
In conclusion, I can only imagine that Mr. Stone made a decision very early in the filming process that the story was none of our business. Assuming that was in fact his goal, he managed to succeed in stealing at least 1.2 Million hours of my life without actually trying. Way to go Ollie! I give it 2 out of 10 and not a 1 based mostly on...well...Oliver Stone's prior work...or maybe...well it was shorter than Titanic...the Persian guy made me laugh...there...that's it.