Alexander the Truly Awful (SPOILER ALERT)

Rating: Null/10 (29 November 2004)

Shrouded in the mists of history, Alexander and his contemporaries are no longer around to defend themselves. That job is left to the discerning viewer, who, after suffering through this film would, I'd wager, rather lose the nine bucks to a hole in the pocket than to this derivative spectacle of how not to make an epic historical drama. Much ink has been spilled about the depictions of homosexuality in this film but far more controversial in my opinion in the kitsch value which skyrockets like a malfunctioning Snoopy balloon at the Thanksgiving Day parade. There are so many, many points to pick over, Alexander is a cineast's dream simply for the wealth of material over which to make snide comments.
First of all, the kindest thing would be to say that Colin Farrell was miscast, although the actor portraying him as a youth, at least, looked exactly like him (with or without the incredibly tacky dye job I couldn't say, but more on that later), giving the story at least a nod to continuity. Even before Farrell takes over the role there were problems, however. Val Kilmer and Angelina Jolie seemed to be ensnared in a fierce battle over who could outcamp the other and I think there was a draw. This despite Kilmer's performance being particularly over-the-top. Perhaps it was the lack of depth perception fostered by the prosthetic eye scar, but it was as if he couldn't decide whether Philip was an unrepentant womanizing drunk, an unforgiving task-master, an awkwardly caring father or an obnoxious tyrant. As for Jolie (such a young mother, seeing as how she's only got a year on Farrell but never mind), her accent may have been bizarrely and creatively Slavic, but in a film where Farrell's Irish lilt kept slipping in in the strangest of places, and one of his troops towards the end gets up to deliver a speech in a Scottish brogue straight out of Braveheart (so strong in fact that it caused my companion to whisper, tongue planted firmly in cheek, "I didn't know he conquered Scotland!"), what's one more incongruous voice among the din?
Once Farrell takes on the role the film just goes even further downhill. Historical accounts do say Alexander was indeed blonde, but to choose an actor who is so dark of coloring and then try to remedy that fact with what must have been EIGHT quarts of Sun-In (either that or a bad wig) was yet another curious choice in a movie full of them. I swear his eyebrows kept changing color throughout the 3 hours which proved distracting, and the hair color just took on a life of its own. While Nicole Kidman could get by with a prosthetic nose in The Hours based on the sheer strength of her performance, such was not the case here. Farrell never really embodied the character of Alexander at all, he seemed, for the most part, instead, to be phoning in the role of a young warrior with serious Oedipal issues, occasional flares of temper and accompanying bulging eyeballs.
The narrative, rather than being linear in scope, was more a mash of whatever the crew felt like filming that day. Oh yeah, and plenty of blood and gore and lots of crying and hugging. In a curious sense of timing, Oliver Stone chooses to pretty much gloss over Philip's death in the voice-over (only to go back to it later) as if we were watching the worst-scripted episode of the Wonder Years ever.
"The Plunder Years" perhaps? Alexander gets into a fight with his dad over effectively being disinherited at the event of his dad's second marriage and impending new offspring and then, by the next scene we hear something along the lines of ("...so then Philip was murdered and Alex left for college. The keggers in Asia Minor were something else, let me tell ya!") From this point on, we join in on Alexander's travels. There are battle scenes aplenty, but we also see the human side of the fierce leader as he heads down the line, dazzling the troops with his ability to remember complicated Hellenic names, their mother's birthdays, and that time they went fishing with Uncle Leonidas, right before he sends them into battle to die.
This is all unintentionally comical but the the greatest wince-inducing scenes are unfortunately those between Alexander and his lover since boyhood, Hephaistion. One of these scenes (all of which just had this uncomfortable sense of incompleteness), did, surprisingly yield the sole line of good dialogue in the film. Alexander, with Hephaistion reading over his shoulder, says after perusing yet another of his mother's missives, "She charges an awfully high ransom for nine months of lodging in the womb." That line just stood out because there was nothing before or after it that suggested that it even belonged in this film, seeing as how it was both witty and clever. It did summarize their relationship well, however. I am not sure whether scenes were shot that were subsequently cut out due to the current incendiary nature in this country, but there were absolutely NO love scenes between these two even though Alexander proclaims his love for Hephaistion to his mother at the start of the film. There are TONS of moony, meaningful looks, sultry glances, and proclamations of mutual desire but never is there anything more intimate shared between the two than a hug. I half-expected them to pat each other on the rear, spit on the ground manfully and split a six-pack. This was not the fault of Farrell or Jared Leto who both seemed to be trying very hard to get across what they could despite the limitations of the script. Such short shrift cheapens the relationship, is untruthful, and a sincere portrayal of what these two lovers really meant to each other would have added so much more to the story. What was either a fear or inability to show a romantic homosexual relationship was all the more glaring considering the gratuitous and downright silly heterosexual sex scene with Alexander's wife Roxane and the few concessions that ARE made to Alexander's sexuality. In one scene Alexander is shown kissing what I believe is a eunuch after much prodding from his men, and in another he gets into bed and sadly beckons what I believe is the same eunuch to join him, all in what appears to be an air of despair. These touches are apparently acceptable, but showing Alexander and Hephaistion in an atmosphere of mutual respect, accord and romantic love is far too scandalous. Oh how far we've come. The most passionate scene between the two occurs once Hephaistion has already died and his lover brings the roof down amidst keening wails, on all who failed to prevent the tragedy.
Alexander himself dies soon after but the film preceded him by at least two and a half hours. Every director is entitled to at least one stumbling block. Let this be the one left in the ruins.