abysmal lump of a film

Rating: 1/10 (22 August 2005)

This is possibly the biggest pile of garbage I have ever had the misfortune of watching. Where to start. Funniest thing was that Alexander was Irish. I never knew that. Thank you Mr Stone for enlightening me. I loved the parts which featured a young Alexander talking in a thick Irish accent. They must have had casting calls all over Ireland for that part. And how could such a wimp be one of, if not the greatest, military commander in history? I would'nt have followed him to the supermarket, let alone to India. And only two mediocre battle scenes? The second one in a lovely shade of red. I can't believe this film gets so many good reviews on here. There must be different versions of the movie in circulation. How could so much money and effort be put into this turgid, steaming pile of dung? I ended up fast forwarding a portion of the end of the movie to stop my misery. What a wasted opportunity, could have been an incredible movie. I wanted to see more angry, drunken elephants on the rampage. That is how they used to get them ready for battle. Fascinating. I wished to see more heads lopped off, more limbs severed (preferably mr stones), more spurting blood arteries, more sharpening of swords, more aggressive Greek people, more phalanx manoeuvres, more Irish accents, more make-up, more wigs, more talking, more eating, more talking, more ancient toilets, more verbalising, more elephants, and perhaps even an angry Alexander one on one with a mad, drunken elephant. Anyway, this is a sad waste of celluloid, and I want my money back. Stone should have a 5 year ban imposed on him. Pee Wee Herman should have been Alexander. Well, that's my rant. Thank you for reading this far.