By the beard of Zeus, this is vile.

Rating: 2/10 (9 July 2007)

In a word, this film is putrid. I spent most of the film making such horrified exclamations as "No! No!" and "Oh dear God!" I understand the great Hollywood epics of historical figures tend to ignore the concept of "historically accurate," but this picture committed new leaps and bounds by ignoring logic and sanity. Now, mind you, this is an Oliver Stone film with millions of dollars behind it and an all-star cast. But big names and beacoup budgets do not a good movie make.
We begin in merry old emerald isle famous for beer, redheads, and a Blarney Stone. However, this picture decides to call this place "Greece." We are supposed to think nothing of those ancient Mediterranean's dropping a "lad" and "arse" on occasion. For some more fun, we throw in a few Brits and Americans. And as a real cherry topper, Angelina Jolie, perpetually youthful, comes in wearing a toga and sounding like a Russian mail order bride with an unexplained snake fetish. I presumed that as the film made its random time jumps Ms. Jolie might sport a gray hair or two. No such luck. Alexander, whether essayed by be- wigged young boys or Colin Farrell, prances about in a platinum blonde 1970's shag that would make Farrah Fawcett green with envy. And, of course, the rest of the Greeks must be cycloptic--to keep in with those myths, I suppose. Among the battle-scarred is Alexander's father, the king of Macedonia, who appears to be no more than the BC equivalent of a slovenly barfly. And shall we not forget the whole of the Persian empire and the fortune they have invested in eyeliner?
But I digress.
Alexander also holds the title for the most clichéd, banal, fist-eatingly horrendous dialogue, nearly all of which is relegated to "profound" statements. I can take a wise verse here and there, but to have entire conversations made up of trite aphorisms is absolutely ridiculous. To paraphrase: "A man can achieve glory." "Yes, but to achieve his glory, he must suffer." "But in suffering, there is truth." "But in that truth there is a heavy price." "But with that heavy price comes greatness." Repeat ad nauseum while staring off at nothing. Because we all walk around spouting off pithy sayings all the live long day. And then we cry. A lot.
For the battle scenes, Mr. Stone decided it would be fun to have a jerky, bloody, CGI madhouse in which I think he just blindly threw the cameras into and hoped for the best. Alexander rides around on his horse wearing a be-plumed helmet that in any sort of sane situation would have been a giant "Here I am! Shoot me!" target. Though heavily spattered with blood, he seems to escape any major injury, one of Darius's men (who looks as though he raided Ghegis Khan's wardrobe) following him and then...not, apparently. Quite honestly, it doesn't even matter by that point. There is no sense to this film. None whatsoever. It's a bit like someone's drug-induced nightmare...edited with a sledgehammer.
Truly painful.