Want a reason to rip your toenails out with rusty pliers? Kill two birds with one "Stone" and see Alexander.

Rating: 2/10 (1 December 2004)

Alexander (2004)
Directed By: Oliver Stone
Starring: Colin Farrell, Angelina Jolie, Val Kilmer, Anthony Hopkins, Jared Leto, and Rosario Dawson
From guts and gore director Oliver Stone (Platoon, Natural Born Killers) comes the epic tale of the little conqueror that could and big-budget screw-up of a film that didn't come close. In his film's fruitless attempt to encapsulate the aura and mystique of Alexander the Great, Stone sinks to a pitiful cinematic low.
An aging Ptolemy (Anthony Hopkins) in capitol annoyance tells the glorious tale of Alexander the Great (Minority Report's Colin Farrell), the Macedonian king who conquered the known world at the age of 32. Under the seductively manipulating control of his mother, Olympias (Girl, Interrupted's Angelina Jolie) and the sporadically violent rule of his father, King Philip (Val Kilmer), Alexander is what I would jokingly characterize as an 'at-risk teen.' After the death of his father, Alexander vows to do what all the great rulers before him had aspired for, but had never achieved, world domination. During his endeavor east, Alexander takes a Persian wife (Rosario Dawson), much to the discontent of his all-Macedonian comrades whom want Alexander's heir to be of pure Macedonian blood. Alexander's true love-interest (as demonstrated blatantly throughout the film), is however a man yes, children I said a man. Hephaistion (Jared Leto) is Alexander's childhood friend turned forbidden love. Through the lands of Persia, to the far east of India, Alexander's quest comes to a much welcome end and the audience puts the sporks they had been planning to poke their eyeballs out with back into their pockets.
One would expect this epic story of world domination and personal triumph would involve scenes of jarring, realistic battles, lustful, steamy romances, piercing agony, and joyous victory. Ah, but that would be far too entertaining for this film. No, far better for the film to make the audience yearn to hurl-up their popcorn and eat it once more in exchange for a refund. Far better for this near three-hour slice of thematic feces to make bashing your head in with a rotten banana seem enticing. In place of the jarring battle sequences are confusing, mindless, disorganized fly-bys where the viewer cannot differentiate between an elephant and a spear! In place of the steamy sex scenes are pointless breast-flashings and downward pan-shots that get dangerously close to Farrell's naughty bits. Instead of meaningful scenes of both Alexander's agony and victory there are supremely irritating, random shots of Farrell and others at supremely irritating, random times. The viewer cannot possibly root for Alexander. Portrayed in one scene as a unifying hero, and in the next as a dividing tyrant, Stone has managed to baffle the audience in their support or hatred for the 'protagonist.' With the lone exception of Kilmer's performance as Philip, the acting in this film is deplorable. Jolie utilizes a hybrid accent concocted mainly of Arabian, Alabaman, and Russian (Arabamussian) that can be characterized only as laughable. Hopkins' Ptolemy, the narrator of the film, speaks nothing but inane drivel and I just plain wanted to shoot him. Leto, as Alexander's sexy wannabe man-lover delivers what would be a half-decent performance. Why not decent, you ask? Well, my theory is thus: due to Leto and Farrell's constant 'manly bonding,' words of endearment, exposed man-tits, and most especially their deep, black eye-liner reminds the audience too much of a gay porno and thus scares them crapless.
I've got three letters and one word for Mr. Stone. WTF mate? This was, without question one of the most poorly written, directed, and acted movies of the past half-century. The battle scenes almost gave me a migraine, style was completely absent, there was more pansy action than real fighting, and for the love of God Jolie's accent was repulsive. I love ripping into a juicy piece of cinematic crap now and again, but I wasted five bucks doing it. The best parts of Alexander were, 1.the end, and 2. The Phantom of the Opera trailer preceding it. If you're just sitting at home and feel like a nice vomit session would do you some good or if you're sitting at home wishing you had a good reason to pull out your toe nails one by one with some rusty pliers, kill two birds with one "Stone" (hahahaha get it?) and go see Alexander.
2/10