Oliver, Oliver, why have you forsaken me

Rating: 3/10 (25 November 2004)

I go into every film with an open mind. As someone who is going to be bold and sometimes cocky enough to express their opinion on film, you have be objective. When I was in transit to see the new Oliver Stone directed film Alexander, I was incredibly optimistic. After all Colin Farrell, Angelina Jolie, Val Kilmer, and all coming out when the Oscar funny season begins, come on! So there I was in line, ready to hand out a five star rating like a large sized chocolate bar to the cutest kid on Halloween. Here's how it worked out.
Standing in line awaiting the theatre opening and watched the trailer for the movie on the various television screens that greet the paying customers  Five Stars.
Before movie began, Six (count 'em SIX!) commercials. One for Radio Shack, two car commercials, one for movietickets.com, one for Playstation 2, one for a rather large Mr. Big bar. Knowing that the movie was already just short of three hours and that I still had countless trailers to sit through, I was already getting perturbed. Minus ½ Star. Total = 4.5 Stars.
Credits roll almost 14 minutes later. See Oliver Stone's name and remember only his good films like Platoon, JFK, Salvador and Wall Street. Add ½ Star. Total = 5 Stars.
Hear Angelina Jolie's Elvira accent for the first time and it was enough to have me chuckle. Kilmer and Jared Leto's not much better. Minus ½ Star. Total = 4.5 Stars.
Watch as the young Alexander grows up and becomes the man that is played by Colin Farrell. Seeing Colin in the blond hair makes him look like a big Toy R Us doll. Minus ½ Star. Total = 4 Stars.
First 45 minutes spent telling us the history of the Alexander. His relationship with his mother. His budding relationship with his gay lover played by Leto, and his level of comfort around snakes. Lots of snakes. By the time the movie was over, I realized how drawn out and milked the Jolie was, how unnecessary towards understanding Alexander's motivation that the Leto character provides and how the snakes were probably brought by Ms. Voight herself just to get her to agree to play the role as Olympias. We see young Alexander tame a wild horse and are expected to believe that not only did he do this in sheer minutes, but it was also a sign that he would be a great ruler. Whatever. Minus one star. Total = 3 Stars.
First battle scene about to start and Alexander tries to rally the troops with an excessive speech. The speech wouldn't motivate me to shake my friends hand let alone lead me to lie down my life for a purpose. Thought back to Braveheart and how William Wallace's speech was inspirational. Longed for Braveheart. Minus ½ Star. Total = 2.5 Stars.
The opening of the battle scene takes an eye view from a hawk in the sky. Incredible scene. Had me think of the trend setting Stone of yesteryear. Got heart pumping and ready for what was expected to be a bloody and lengthy battle. Add one star. Total = 3.5 Stars.
The battle begins and bodies and blood flow. People get stabbed, impaled, gauged, hammered and shot with arrows. But battle scene is under cloud of sand dust and the two sides are too hard to determine. People yell at each other, but couldn't figure out what they were yelling and trying to relay. Didn't know who I was rooting for. Battle scene was lengthy and well choreographed, but when the smoke cleared and the bodies lay on the battlefield, I still couldn't tell who lost more men. Add one star for the battles bloodbath, but minus one star for not knowing what was going on. Total = 3.5 Stars.
Alexander goes into Babylon where he takes a wife played by Rosario Dawson. She has a nude scene that made the final cut for one reason only. When the three hours were over, Dawson's character is one that I could have done without  or at least toned down to save me on crossing-the-leg-time (referring to trying to refrain from using the 'facilities'). Her accent too is casting couch-ish. Liked Dawson in The 25th Hour and thought she was rising talent. Uncertain of my previous judgment. Minus ½ Star. Total = 3.0 Stars.
Movie then goes back 8 years. BACK! Maybe inspired by Tarantino, Stone plays with the timeline for no apparent reason. The storyline tells us how his father was killed. Again, another 20 minutes that could have been shown in either a dream sequence or within the timeline in about 5 minutes. Thought it was out of place when story looked like it was getting momentum. Like playing snakes and ladders, we just hit a snake. Minus ½ Star. Total = 2.5 Stars.
Listen to Colin give speech after speech. Don't really understand (or care) for his motivation. Can't really tell if his people are for him or against him. Beginning to get bored. Minus ½ Star. Total = 2.0 Stars.
Get to India and another battle scene about to take place. It's in the jungle and I remembered how well Stone did last time he was in a jungle shooting (Platoon). Adjusted myself in my seat to get ready for the fast and furious. Battle begins and it is worse than the first. I have no idea who is stabbing who. I know the ones on the elephants are not on Team Alexander, but that is about as far as my referencing can go. Battle scene fought in red tones. Whaaa? Incredibly frustrated even though fake blood keeps hitting the camera lens. Minus ½ Star. Total = 1.5 Stars.
Excellent scene where Alexander and his horse go on hind legs against an enemy and elephant doing same. Arrows fly, spears are thrown and Alexander falls. Scene is slow motion and was very memorable. Add ½ Star. Total = 2.0 Stars.
Alexander falls to ground and has one of Stone's dream collage sequences that were so out of place in Nixon and U-Turn. Don't get it. Don't need it. Don't want it. Minus ½ Star. Total = 1.5 Stars.
Alexander is not dead however. Heals and becomes strong enough to make more speeches. His male lover lies dying in a bed and this seems to be the perfect time to star out at the city and talk about how great everything could be. Felt like I was being talked down to. Leto's character dies in the background and I don't care one bit. Minus ½ Star. Total = 1.0 Stars.
Movie finally concludes with some overacting by Jolie. Anthony Hopkins who started the movie with a narration ends it with the conclusion to the Alexander saga. Was actually surprised that the movie did not feel like its 170+ running time suggested. For having me not look at my watch constantly, I reluctantly give it an extra ½ Star. Total = 1.5 Stars.
On the ride home now and thinking of how I am going to write this review. In no way would I recommend it to others, but thought that my 1.5 Stars was a little harsh and try desperately to get it up to a two star rating. Can't. Final tally = 1.5 Stars. For the love of Zeus I didn't enjoy this movie.
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