Pretty-boys conquer Asia - surprised by elephants!

Rating: 6/10 (12 November 2005)

It would be hard to tell which are the Barbarians and which are the "civilized" Macedonians, so much kohl and mascara abounds on the chisel-cheekboned, long-tressed warriors of both persuasions, if it were not for the Irish accents of the Macedonians and the vaguely pan-Eastern-European/Russian accents of the Barbarians. It seems that long before the Pelasgians, Dorians and Hellenes arrived in Greece and Asia Minor, there were the Irish and the White Russians. Thus, Val Kilmer and Jared Leto (Americans) sport Irish brogues to match the accent of the Irish-born lead, Colin Farrel (who can do a pretty good American accent, incidentally) and Angelina Jolie and Rosario Dawson emote in cheesy Russian accents. Dawson gets off the best line, after observing Farrel (as Alexander) and Leto (as Hephaiestion, Alexander's long-time bosom friend and boy-toy) standing talking, "Choo luff chhheeem!". Why not just have them all talk "American"? Well, they weren't given much in the way of interesting dialog, and I guess that Farrel thought that if he yelled his lines, people might think he was serious.
To be fair, and to rate this tedious, talky movie a 6 rather than 5, the photography and scenery are beautiful, the battle-scenes are awesome and realistic clashes between vast armies, director Oliver Stone did not stint on the vivid and authentic costuming and set decoration, and there are some great visual f/x and dream sequences.