This movie is horrible.

Rating: Null/10 (25 November 2004)

Horrible dialogue: I often found myself wondering just what time period Alexander lived in. Everyone spoke like suburban white kids at the turn of the millennium with a little cultural homage thrown in (in that 'christ' became 'zeus').
Horrible cinematography: The battles suffered from crappy, choppy camera-work and the close quarters shots were often too close.
Horrible acting: "Oh Hephaestian!" "Oh Alexander!" Oh please.
Horribly long: another three hours of my life, completely wasted. Would have been better spent playing solitaire while listening to Ben Stein read the Webster's New World Collegiate Dictionary in monotone through his nose.
Horrible attempt at artistic expression: What was with those colors at the end? What was the point? I'm sorry, but after three hours of a crappy excuse for a feature film, I had no empathy for Alexander. I do not care what he saw. I do not care what he felt. I simply do not care about anything except the fact that I just spent eight bucks to sit for three hours in a small theatre with fifty other people who had done the same thing to see what we thought was supposed to be a rousing cinematic experience with a stimulating story about one of the world's greatest conquerors only to find that we spent the night before thanksgiving watching the most pathetic excuse for softcore gay porno that has ever been put to celluloid as we found ourselves wondering "what the heck was supposed to be so great about this piece of underdeveloped, over-hyped filth anyway?"
The way you feel after reading that run-on sentence, you feel it? Does it hurt? Well, sitting through this movie will likely make you feel worse by three orders of magnitude. Apparently, Alexander was never beaten, but by Hephaestian's thighs and Oliver Stone's horrible excuse for an Old World epic.
Go rent Troy, you'll thank me later.