How to pout in battle...

Rating: 1/10 (17 December 2007)

I feel i must make people aware that there are many of us who have seen this film and don't care if Alexander liked boys or girls yet still think this motion picture is absolutely, terrifyingly, obtusely and almost intentionally awful in every way it could be. Some may love the issues it touches on but be warned, you may just find yourself spending far more time than you would ever wish trying to tell everyone you know just how absolutely terrible you thought it was. The actors, although mostly multi-million dollar "heroes of Hollywood" are made to look like children in a bad school play by a uniquely hollow script. Even the apparent "historical accuracy" which Oliver Stone so readily tells us of is poorly executed and occasionally misleading. The Persian army are not a collection of brain-dead simpletons running randomly around the field of battle like they're being told to go in two directions at once (i mean, really Oliver, wtf was that opening shot of them all about?) To further add to the humour value Colin Farrell's pre-battle chat to his "generals" (mostly a collection of model-turned-actor brainless pouters) is filled with a marvellous moment when Mr.Farrel lists off every single Greek name of every general in the room and a summary of what they're good at in battle. The scene is so leaden you wonder if Farrell found a copy of Stone's notes on who was supposed to be in the shot and just read them out. It was like bullet-point history with no character or life. Every second moment in this film heightens it's own tension to the Nth degree as if to cry out to the audience watching "BUT LOOK, CAN YOU NOT SEE WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE?!?" I hardly think Stone's assumption that his "film" (i think "moooveee" is more accurate) plays well with "intelligent audiences" is anywhere near the truth. I don't know, maybe his Mom likes it. If you like historical epics don't watch this.
To summarise: Alexander - it steals time out of your life even when you're not watching it.