Teeth-clenchingly grim.

Rating: Null/10 (4 December 2004)

I just saw Alexander and while I am admittedly known for my bile-spattered, vitriolic rants on movies I hate, this one takes the prize turkey for being a sheer embarrassment to Greeks, history buffs, movie fans and all people with an IQ just above that of toaster scrapings.
I thought Troy was fairly dull, but Alexander is the entertainment equivalent of being lulled to sleep by having your skull repeatedly rammed into the side of a whale. Not sharply painful but after about 5 minutes, REALLY f***ing annoying.
For some reason the entire movie is spoken in broad Irish accents, the like of which I have heard only twice before, once when I was in Dublin, and once in Gangs Of New York. It's as if Farrell was too lazy or talentless to fake an American accent (forget Greek, I no longer look for actual realism in movies) so they just told Jared Leto and Val Kilmer to do Irish ones. I defy you not to just stare in slack-jawed wonder as they make a discussion of the Macedonian dominance of Persia sound like a coffee morning with the Lucky Charms leprechauns.
The acting is genuinely poor, I can't even think of an appropriately scathing epithet to describe the feeble efforts of actors whose reputations scarcely match the pitiful performances here. Colin Farrell is cringeworthy, blubbing like a 13 year old girl auditioning for Our Town, whenever anyone dies. Couldn't he have come up with some sort of emotional expression beyond petulance? He seems to have only two registers, whispering and bellowing, and even his shouting somehow fails to rouse. 'RIDE MACEDONIANS, RIDE!' tapers off into a squeaky croak that I doubt the person behind him could hear, much less 50 000 thundering riders.
His shouted pre-battle speeches are so like those in Gladiator, Braveheart, Troy and LOTR that they are beyond clichéd, and cant really be blamed on his simpering, affected acting, but during the sex scene where he actually appears to be softly barking like a dog at his psychotic wife (where is it documented that she tried to murder him on their wedding night??) I just gave up in disgust.
The movie has too much voice-over narration (I'd guess about 30 minutes plus of the whole movie is nothing but Anthony Hopkins talking) and far too little story. I was left asking 'Yes but why did he do this, or who was that, or what was the plan here?' while I was subjected to what seemed like hours of male bonding, as Alexander and his buddies all lay around chatting, arguing and watching belly dancers. How did all this add up to $150 million?
If you are interested in history, don't waste your time on this movie, get a book instead. If you like epic battle scenes á la LOTR, you will be grievously disappointed as both scenes in Alexander are abruptly truncated, blurry and consist mainly of watching Farrell's meaty thighs wrapped round a horse, while he rides past a quarter of a million fighters presumably doing things I'd rather watch than what I'm actually being shown.
Angelina Jolie, who I normally would happily watch changing a light bulb, does bugger all but sit around sulking and whining in a Bride of Dracula accent (kudos for her though for presumably refusing to attend the Irish Dialect Workshop with the others)
I could find nothing of merit in this film, not even the breathtaking shots of the Hindu Kush, because even then I've seen photography as impressive in TV documentaries.
It has all of the cinematic charm of watching the Hulk (ie NONE), but without the cool special effects.