Don't waste your time and money on this.

Rating: 1/10 (16 November 2004)

This was the most wretchedly boring, insulting, and heavy handed hunk of three hour filth that I am likely to see this year. This is the kind of film which ruins careers and bankrupts movie studios. In a theater of 250 people, all of whom got in free, I heard not one single positive comment... I would rather tear out my own eyes and use them as earplugs than watch this film again. And I get the feeling 249 people would agree with me. We're deep into "Manos: the Hands of Fate" territory with this one. Bad, bad, and bad some more.
To be more specific, for the first 45 minutes to an hour we get non-stop exposition. First Ptolemy (who is, for some reason, in his late 60s despite the fact that the caption card says "40 years later") wanders around his terrace (giving us approximately two brief glimpses of an expensively digitally created Greek coastline) dictating his memoirs to a scribe. We listen to this for quite a while as he gushes about Alexander the god-among-men. Basically saying "If you (the viewer) don't love this man, you are wretched..."
Then we get to see Alexander's birth, his mother's near rape by her husband, King Philip (who, for some reason, is characterized as a drunken brute to make Alexander's golden curly locks look all the more godly...), and Alex growing up. Far too much of Alex growing up actually. And, let us not forget the overblown and endless dialogue which he speaks to the horse. "Your shadow is just a trick of the sun. Ride with me." And on and on and on...
Oh, and we get to hit the homosexual thing early on too. But I won't bother going into detail with that, because it's so hamfisted and crowbarred into the story that I've actually blocked it out of my mind...
After the hour which we waste watching Alexander grown up, we cut back to Ptolemy who proceeds to narrate most of the scenes which the people in the theater have come to see. No battle at the Granicus River. No battle of Issus. No scene of Alexander being told he is a god at an Egyptian temple... None of it. (By this point I had already wanted to walk out at least once, but I stayed on the off chance that the film would "redeem" itself with some mindless action. [this from a man who loathes mindless action.] And now even the action is taken away from me.)
Apparently because we're more concerned with the man than the action. But by this point, the examination of Alexander the man had already gone horribly awry.
Finally we get to see the battle of Gaugamela. But we may as well not have seen it. Someone got a bit carried away with the idea that "an army battle in the middle east would stir up a lot of dust" and much of the sequence is too cloudy to make out. What you can see is a lot of blood and Alexander apparently riding his personal squad way out to the right. (Even though the caption card calls it his "left" wing.) Apparently he's trying to take advantage of a hole in Darius' battle line, but the whole scene makes no real sense. Mercifully, it is over by the 75 minute point in the film.
And, since we've now bored everyone to tears with an hour of talking, followed by some of the least entertaining mindless gore in cinema history... bring on the floppy breasts.
That's right kiddies... Now Alexander gets to have a near rape scene, and, as a "reward" for making it this far into the film without walking out, we get to see his Queen's nice rack jiggle around for a while... Hooray for the objectification of women...
After this, pretty much everyone gives up on the film... Including the filmmakers themselves. I have to mention the "brilliant" slow-motion-rain-of-flower-petals shot which was so corny that it made everyone laugh. And the nonsensical plot point of being met at the gates of Babylon by a million cheering citizens and yet saying "as long as Darius has not been found he will always be the ruler here..." And then some more objectification of women. And some shots of sexy gay boys as well. (Let's not forget our gay theme.) But then some more women, because we don't want to offend anyone. (Never have I seen a film which dealt with homosexuality with so little courage... It claims that Alexander and Hephaistion were lovers for their entire lives and yet they never kiss in the film... There is only one male on male kiss in the entire film and it's done from a distance... And yet breasts are shown in all their glory...)
And we can't forget the door slam/orgasm thing which made everyone laugh (unintentionally). And then there's the "monkeys" thing. And some more "hail Alexander, for he is the messiah of freedom and all who oppose him are simply racists..." And some more horrendously botched battle footage. And lots of slow motion. And endless amounts of overwrought and stupid dialogue. (Hephaistion's death scene being particularly excruciating. I actually shouted "CUT" in the theater.)
And, finally, after all is said and done (two full hours after we should've all walked out) we get to go back to Ptolemy who reiterates how wondrous Alexander was, and how he was a force for good, and how if we don't love him, we're all wicked and evil. Basically recapping with a "there you have it; if you didn't like that film then there's something wrong with you."
And then the credits shamefully appeared.
And I shouted "Boo." Very loudly.
Shame on everyone involved in this film.