What Was Mr. Stone THINKING?

Rating: 1/10 (20 January 2005)

Alexander is essentially about this Russian sounding babe (played by Ms. Jolie) who marries into this big Oirish family, is driven to preferring snakes because her husband only has one eye, and begins dying her little boy's hair blonde. Then it all kicks off, Colin Farrell gets his eyebrows bleached and goes off in a flouncy tantrum to conquer the world. Meanwhile Jared Leto stands around with a twisty Cher hairdo, gazing longingly at bottle-blondie Colin, who every now and then gazes back with tears in his eyes and whispers 'Oy cahnt live if livin' is without you...' So anyway, about half way through that really handsome guy from The Book Group (the one in the wheelchair) and those porridge commercials shows up, but he has a different hairdresser... he stands around a lot, proving that sensible haircuts WERE possible in ancient times. I think he loses his razor at one point, but finds it again eventually... later Tim Piggott-Smith has to smush his hands around inside a dead animal, but they cut all his lines, so of course it all makes PERFECT sense.
Then the elephants come...