Robbed of three precious hours

Rating: 2/10 (27 December 2004)

The longest 3 hours I've ever spent. This is certainly the worst movie I've seen all year. Everything about it is wrong. From the worn out sit-down-and-i'll-tell-you-about-a-great-man-format, to the corny and completely inaccurate set, to the tiresome and oblivious dialog. Worst of all was the acting. Without a doubt the most unconvincing acting performance of the new millennium. Anthony Hopkins looks and sounds like an old drunk fart moaning about his youth, instead of a great general and pharaoh. Angelina Jolie sounds like a KGB spy and makes her character behave like something out of a Voodoo cult. But when it comes to pathetic performances, Colin Farrel steals the show. The way he manages to make even his best lines, and these are few and far between, sound like the insecure dribble of an adolescent high school dropout is impressive. Not for a moment is he convincing in his passion for Hephaistion, which he wails on about through half the film. But worse yet, no one could possibly believe him to be the leader who inspired tens of thousands of simple Macedonian soldiers to march with him for years to the edge, and beyond, the known world. He acts more like he couldn't inspire a dog to lift it's leg. But the biggest mystery about this 180 minute farce is surely the choice to have the Macedonians speak with an Irish accent. WHY?!!? What was he thinking? Having ruthless iron-clad conquerors sounding like they've just stepped out of a Guinness commercial has to the biggest error in modern cinematography. And, in the case of Farrel, a bad Irish accent at that. Complete Bo**ocks!
Mr. Stone, I want my three hours back.