Well, I saw this for some reason. I guess I just like to suffer.

Rating: 1/10 (15 September 2019)

This movie is really bad! It has no reason to exist! Everything it does well was done better in the original and everything that the original did well is done much worse here! Now, when you think of the original Aladdin, what comes to mind? Probably the incredibly rich and colourful and energetic animation with great comedic timing and Robin Williams' incredible performance as the Genie. Well, obviously this new movie isn't animated so you don't have any of that and Robin Williams is dead so you don't have that either. Instead of the beautifully-crafted hand-drawn animation, you get very flat-looking and washed-out environments and some very crappy CGI. Instead of Robin Williams improvising most of his lines and talented Disney animators giving life to his words, you get Will Smith being slightly charming and slightly comedic, which is pretty much every Will Smith performance for the past 20+ years! Also, instead of Looney Tunes-style visual gags and slapstick, you get cringe humour. Not cringy humour, cringe humour, which is an actual style of comedy most often found in sitcoms like The Office. Cringe humour can be great if done well, but it can fail spectacularly if not done well. This was not done well. It wasn't very funny. It was just awkward. What is even the point of watching this if the best parts of the original movie that arguably are the reason it is so beloved do not translate at all? Okay, so the comedy doesn't work, but how are the other actors? Well, the rest of the performances were honestly pretty bad, especially the guy playing Jafar. He is not threatening in the slightest! He just sounds monotone and bored. He just wasn't the right actor for the role. His facial features are too soft and his voice is too high-pitched. Not great villain material if not written correctly. The guy playing Aladdin just felt awkward, which kind of works sometimes for when he's turned into a prince, but his performance still feels awkward even in the scenes where he's supposed to be in his home element. He's supposed to be kind of a Han Solo type, he's a thief but he has a heart of gold, but in this he feels more like Scott Pilgrim. The girl playing Jasmine was probably the best actor in the movie, either her or Alan Tudyk as Iago, but in practically every scene she's in without Aladdin she's accompanied by her sidekick character. Not the tiger, a new character, her handmaiden. She was also very awkward and not very funny. I really don't understand the point of this character being in the movie at all. Okay, so the performances leave a lot to be desired, but how is the music? Also terrible! The new orchestrations of the old songs are made more modern and hip for the kids (With some rapping and beatboxing. No, really.) and the only person who can sing in the whole darn cast is the girl who plays Jasmine! Speaking of Jasmine, she also has a new song of her own which she sings really well, but the lyrics are not very good and it seems very out of place with the rest of the songs. It doesn't sound like Aladdin, it sounds more like The Greatest Showman. Probably because it was written by the same people who did The Greatest Showman. Now, I haven't seen that movie, but I am not a fan of the songs from that film. They sound way too poppy and not enough like musical theatre for my liking and the lyrics I think are just awful, but at least all the songs were like that in The Greatest Showman. In Aladdin, it just does not fit at all. The effects during the song were cool though, or at least they would be if I didn't see literally the exact same thing before in Into the Woods and Avengers: Infinity War. That's most of this movie's problems summed up. No matter what it does, there is always another movie that does it better. Overall, this movie is an embarrassment. It's a complete and utter waste of time. It's pointless! Just stay home and watch the original! It's shorter (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the remake is over 2 hours long! The original is under 90 minutes! It's full of padding. It even ends with a big dance party scene like a DreamWorks movie. And it shows Aladdin and Jasmine getting married! What the heck?? They aren't supposed get married until the third movie, after a direct-to-VHS sequel and a TV series!) and it is better in every way! It's colourful, energetic, hilarious and a ton of fun! This is boring, tired, unfunny and frustrating. Do not watch this movie! The only reason I did was because this movie has already made over a billion dollars and there is nothing I can do to affect its financial performance at this point. Also, OVER A BILLION DOLLARS????? People actually LIKE this????? Why?? It's the same movie we've all seen over 2 decades ago only worse! I do not understand the appeal of these remakes at all. If you like these Disney remakes, please tell me why. I'm curious. Why would you ever want to watch them when you could just watch the original movie again and get a better viewing experience? I'd love to know. Anyway, those are my thoughts on the new Aladdin and also my thoughts on the new The Lion King. Even though I haven't seen The Lion King, I have a feeling that most of my criticisms of this also apply to that movie, but I'll see it at the dollar cinema just to be sure. Stay tuned.