Do You Want to Know a Secret?

Rating: 1/10 (12 December 2009)

Wow. My teen-aged son recommended this movie to me. I expected crap, but this went far beyond my expectation. The oh-so-pitiful storyline. How to tell you? Trying to tie Beatles lyrics together, like a concept album, with some clown who looks like Paul McCartney...and the most ludicrous symbolism I've ever seen. "She's So Heavy/Carry That Weight"... astounding. See, a team of US soldiers walks the jungles of Viet Nam carrying The Statue of Liberty. The soldiers reminded me of Egyptian slaves, building the pyramids (in Hollywood movies, anyway), which my mind received as The United Slaves of America. Surely, that's not what the film-maker intended. Surely, we were being prompted to remember that 'Freedom isn't free'.
Anyway, Princeton is a shot location...a student drops out and is drafted. A rich kid gets drafted. Yeah, right. Anyway, an English kid is in the movie. So is a blonde American girl. And an Asian girl who is, by musical necessity, a lesbian? Her name's Prudence, and she locks herself in the closet (get it??), and is chided by her friends to 'Come out and play".
There's also a Peggy Lee-type aging rock singer who tries to belt out songs big, a la Janis Joplin...but she's run-of-the-mill American Idol material, at best...but with a LOT of hair. That's all there is. Somehow, the black guy goes from Otis Redding to Jimi Hendrix. Shrug. He's not the only token here, This cliché-fest is loaded with tokens. Nothing is real.
People get stoned. People get laid. People go to war (some return after pleasant musical run-ins with sexy nurses - wink!). Predictably, our English hero emigrates to the USA. I am at a loss to explain why the director didn't close the film with him standing next to the Statue of Liberty flashing a peace sign.
Images fall out like endless koolaid in a paper-cup.
Excuse me, I have work to do. I have to rescue my teenager from saccharine mediocrity.