A not-so-honest re-vision of Honest Abe

Rating: 5/10 (20 June 2012)

Well, there is certainly no equivocation here. The title pretty much says it all. I mean, when a person goes to see "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter," they're basically going to get Abraham Lincoln, vampires and, well, hunting. No beating around the bush.
Whether that bush is WORTH beating around, well, that's really up to the individual. It is interesting to note, however, that the same people who completely embraced the even more ridiculous revisionist fantasy, "Inglorious Basterds," would criticize this film for employing the same technique.
As for me, I can read the title, have half a brain and certainly did not expect Shakespeare, so the experience was mostly satisfying. Keeping most of the Seth Grahame-Smith novel as faithful as possible (mainly because Smith was also the screenwriter), director Timur Bekmambetov ("Wanted") has crafted a dark, violent re-telling of our beloved 16th president as sort of an "Abe Lincoln In Illinois" meets "Blade" meets "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon." I've heard of revisionist history, but this is ridiculous.
As explained previously, Lincoln (Benjamin Walker, a cross between the real Lincoln and Liam Neesom, "Flags of Our Fathers") not only encounters his real life historical foes in slave masters, Stephen Douglas and - eventually - the Confederate States of America - but, in this film, the vampiric undead who were responsible for killing his mother, Nancy Hanks Lincoln (Robin McLeavy in her American debut).
Seeing this act, the boy is intent on revenge, but is persuaded by vampire-hunter Henry Sturgess (Dominic Cooper, "My Week With Marilyn"), to be patient and go through a classic film montage.
Henry also assigns the ax-wielding Abe to eliminate several lower-level Nosferatu, but not the one, Jack Barts (Marton Csokas, "Alice In Wonderland") who did in his mum. Later, Lincoln confronts Barts in a wicked horse stampede fight, but finds out a horrible secret about Henry.
He also meets Stephen Douglas (Alan Tudyk, "Transformers: Dark of the Moon"), as well as his future wife, Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead, the re-make of "The Thing"). Those with ANY knowledge of Mary Todd will certainly attest that casting Winstead in this role was as ludicrous as having Bruce McGill playing Calvin Coolidge in "For Greater Glory." More bloody battles ensue, as Abraham has now met Adam (Rufus Sewell, "The Tourist"), the leader of a legion of the undead, feeding mostly on slaves in the antebellum South.
For reasons explained in the movie, Henry and Adam have an unnatural hatred for one another, although neither can do the other harm.
Years seem to go by and now Lincoln is in the White House, the rebels bombard Fort Sumpter and the Civil War is on. Meanwhile, another creature, Vadoma ("Erin Wasson, "Somewhere") seeks to harm young Willie Lincoln right under Abraham's prominent nose.
With the vampires signing a pact with CSA leader Jefferson Davis (John Rothman, the remake of "The Day the Earth Stood Still") and the besieged Union troops at Gettysburg unable to stop them, it could spell the end of the nation as we know it.
Lincoln, though, comes up with a plan to save the day (and the country), but unlike Honest Abe taking on ghosts, ghouls and vampires, this subplot is patently ludicrous. Day one of the Battle of Gettysburg is over when the president comes up with a scheme just crazy enough to work.
It involves melting billions of metal items down, turning them into weapons, and delivering to Pennsylvania in time to stop the rebel advance — all in one day.
I'll believe almost ANYTHING in this crazy picture, but that's going TOO far.
Aided by his lifelong friend, slave but now-freedman, the completely unnecessary Will Johnson (Anthony Mackie, "We Are Marshall"), as well as a few others, Lincoln tries to brush their venomous foes off the map.
But are they up to the task? Are they able to wipe out an army that is already dead (although for guys who cannot die, they are really, really easy to kill — even by those who had no training whatsoever)?
There is plenty of mind-numbing action and stomach-churning violence, but Bekmambetov does a nice job keeping up a quick pace; while the special effects are quite well done and the set design, art decoration, period detail and costumes are spot-on.
History becomes hysterical at times, but the overall effect works and the film seems not to take itself very seriously (accept maybe in its technical aspects). Don't throw away money on the 3D version, though, because that technology doesn't enhance the viewing pleasure one iota.