The Axe is Mightier than the Sword

Rating: 5/10 (30 June 2012)

As if old Abe wasn't lionised enough, they had to make him a vampire slayer. I saw this film hoping it would provide the same level of satisfaction as Stephen Sommers' 'Van Helsing'. As usual, I expected too much.
The film fails chiefly because of the limitations of its protagonist. Unknown Benjamin Walker plays Lincoln with an esprit more appropriate for less ludicrous material. Abe's arsenal is nothing more than his axe. Yes, it is also an unlikely gun, but the trailer saw to it that that wasn't going to be a surprise. Action choreography is clichéd (apart from an exhilarating horse stampede), and the countless slo-mos are infuriating. And I predicted the train decoy. The effects are suitably spooky, but I have no respect for vamps that can't fight.
Prolific actor Dominic Cooper ('The Devil's Double', 'The History Boys') is very well miscast as Henry Sturgess, Lincoln's disgruntled vampire friend and coach. The part needed someone older, more grizzled and more interested in their subsidiary role.
Elementary goofs turn this fantasy into farce. Why doesn't Abe question Henry's superhuman strength when he sees him dispatch a vamp? The plot reveals that vamps can't kill their own, but why does this stop Henry from intervening and at least setting them up for Abe to axe into oblivion? He's a lazy, unproductive sort, who talks a good game but goes missing when punches fly. Also, how is it that Henry manages to control his vampiric urges? Must be those blood patches I've read about.
History is cheekily distorted to make vamps culpable for slavery. Propaganda? I wouldn't rule it out. The whole film is ridiculous, but what was I expecting from 'Wanted' director Timur Bekmambetov? He was, after all, born in the same country as Borat.
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