Choppin' and Droppin'

Rating: 4/10 (26 December 2012)

I read the Seth Grahame-Smith novel that Vampire Hunter is based on a year or so ago on a whim. I was shocked to find it an engrossing piece of writing that skillfully blended an off-beat version of horror mythology with the multi-faceted political climate that defined American during the Civil War. What's more, the protagonist—none other than Abraham Lincoln himself—was a vulnerable character; one that seemed every bit as flawed as Joe Schmo next door. He'd loved and lost, and any nobler purposes that have defined him as a historical legend were cast aside to reveal his true passion in life: vengeance.
Chalk it up to the quirky title or the ridiculous juxtaposition, but the novel was a near instant success. As is usually the case in these situations, spinning the book into a feature film was inevitable. I was well aware going into the theater that much would have to be sacrificed to make the thing watchable (and to maintain a reasonable run time), but I was shocked to see that the subtlety of the novel had been shredded in favor of bullet-time action sequences—the sort that hurl you from one location to the next without allowing a moment to process the significance of what's just happened; the sort that kick you in the head with their stupidity; the sort that just don't make any damn sense.
To be fair, it's not all bad news. There are some thrilling sequences, but the clunky transitions that attempt to further the narrative are grating (and the same sorts of associations readers were able to make with Honest Abe in the novel just aren't there on the big screen).
As a rule, I try to avoid comparing a movie with its literary counterpart as it's my conviction that the film should be examined of its own merit. Here, though, I found this an almost impossible task, as I kept mulling over the squandered potential. In essence, what director Timur Bekmambetov and his colleagues have turned in is a Cliffsnotes version of a unique story. I get the feeling they wanted something suited for popcorn-munchiness, and there's not necessarily anything wrong with that. But they should have considered the nuances of the source material; the narrative butter that would have made the whole thing much tastier and easier to swallow. In leaving that out, audiences are dealt a stale serving that's half burned. You know, the sort of thing that gets stuck between your teeth and it's an infuriating nuisance until you're able to pry it out with a toothpick in hopes of achieving sweet relief.