Absolutely terrible

Rating: Null/10 (31 October 2012)

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter has one of the most absurd concepts of all time. The entire plot is goofy, dumb, and almost impossible to get behind. Yet somehow the novel managed to be an interesting if not entirely successful story that was way better than it could have been. It was also written very cinematically so it wasn't hard to imagine how a solid adaptation could have been produced. Unfortunately, the resulting film version is such a colossal mess that it's almost indescribable, mainly due some mind-bogglingly atrocious editing. The editing is amongst the worst I've ever seen in a studio production. Every scene is borderline incoherent as if the entire picture was cut together in a matter of days. I don't know if director Timur Bekmambetov had the right to final cut so I'll avoid placing blame on any one particular person. However, it would not surprise me at all if the director eventually reveals that the movie was released not completely finished. It's the only possible explanation for why everything is astonishingly sloppy. Each scene seems to be truncated to the shortest length possible, resulting in an extremely, extremely rushed pace. I doubt there are more than a few scenes that last more than a minute, making the entire film seem like one disjointed montage. Characters appear in scenes and disappear within seconds (this is especially true with Alan Tudyk's Stephen Douglas, who is probably on screen for 75 seconds at most). Even usually solid performers like Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Mary Todd Lincoln and Jimmi Simpson as Joshua Speed are reduced to probably less than ten minutes of screen time despite the fact that they are supposedly two of the most important characters in the story. Needless to say that because of the disastrous editing, there is not a single cast member that is able to leave much of any impression, including Benjamin Walker himself as Abe Lincoln. Unfortunately, the poor editing choices also sabotage the action sequences. Looking like the worst possible version of a Zach Snyder movie, each "action" scene is filled with non-stop slow motion/fast motion nonsense, too much emphasis on over-stylization, and more instances of horrible CGI than any movie in recent memory. All this renders the scenes completely ineffective with barely a moment of genuine excitement despite all the vampire-slaying on display. Those hoping for gore will be disappointed to know that despite being R-rated, there is hardly any blood and the blood that is visible looks less convincing and scary than cough syrup. Honestly, there isn't anything very positive that can be said about the flick. As an adaptation, it's unfaithful and lifeless. It also doesn't fit into a particular genre: it doesn't even try to be scary enough to count as a horror pic, it's too inert to be considered an action-adventure, and the tone is so humorless that in no way can it be considered a comedy. While Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is not the worst I've ever seen, it's certainly one of the very worst of 2012 and definitely not recommended. 2/10