Awful 3D and mediocre storyline leads to wasted potential

Rating: 3/10 (5 January 2013)

As a movie, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is kind of a mess. There is no denying that there is some fun to be found here, especially if you're into the so-bad-it's-good genre. The cast is adequate and visually, it is quite striking. If you're looking for something any more substantial, I would suggest considerably lowering your expectations. I caught the midnight show.
If you know the title, you can pretty much figure out the plot. We follow Abe Lincoln on a life- long journey after discovering that the creature who killed his mother was indeed a vampire. Along the way, he meets the love of his life and a fellow hunter who shows him the ropes.
So right off the bat: I wasn't expecting an Award-winning film here. I mean, do you go into a movie called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and expect something extraordinary? Hell no. That said though, even with a premise as silly as this one you still have to find ways to make it work, ways to engage the audience beyond anything glimpsed here. For me personally, this movie just does not work when it needs to.
The casting isn't the problem; everyone is actually quite good including the big man himself, played by a dashing Benjamin Walker. I did have a big issue with the aging makeup, though not so much on Abe. Everyone around him is supposed to get older as the time passes, and yet no one looks to be aged within ten years of Abe. I can understand some minor discrepancies, but seriously? The makeup on Mary Elizabeth Winstead made her look about five years older. The visual look of the film also isn't the problem, even though the special effects are overly shoddy at times and can pull you right out of the movie. Overseen by Tim Burton, the cinematography looks great even when the special effects don't. The action scenes usually fall pretty flat for the most part and didn't really impress me much. The whole section where Abe hunts down his mother's killer made me practically keel over from laughter, it was so preposterous.
For me, the biggest problem lies in the script which relies quite a bit too much on the historical side of things without doing anything to really flesh out the characters. It also takes itself much, much too seriously for the movie's own good. Some dialogue and even entire situations don't make the slightest bit of sense. For instance, (minor spoiler here) it is established early on that one vampire cannot harm another vampire. So why, in one specific instance, does the very opposite of this established rule occur? There is no given explanation. There are all sorts of little plot holes, issues with the mythology, and logical impossibilities that definitely bothered me (how was Abe's hat able to hold the entire body weight of Mary without capsizing?), but there was quite a lot that I was willing to let slide.
The positives: An energetic Dominic Cooper. Benjamin Walker completely immerses himself in the role of Abe and is believable even when the situations aren't. The visually pleasing look of the film. Lots to laugh at, even when it's unintentional. The look of the vampires. The comical overuse of slow-motion.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter isn't your typical vampire movie and it certainly doesn't establish any of the mythology to an understandable extent. However, I laughed a lot. It was a fun throwaway movie and certainly could have been much worse. Hilarity ensues from the second the movie begins. If you're looking forward to this flick, I would wait to check it out on DVD. The 3D was absolutely terrible and there was nothing that popped out at all, unless you count a few specks of dust. / Rating: D+