Michael Bay dips his toes into isolation horror. Your mileage may vary

Rating: 3/10 (8 April 2018)

Have you ever seen "It Comes At Night" (2017)?
While both that film and "A Quiet Place" are overall different enough to be judged on their separate merits, both films do have striking similarities; each involve a broken family trying to survive in the wilderness under extreme circumstances after a mysterious and unknown disaster. There is also a looming danger of major catastrophe in both films -- in "A Quiet Place" it is a physical alien-like entity existing outside; in "Night" it is something more internal. This trending niche is what's referred to in horror circles as "isolation horror." It takes a lot to pull off a great isolation horror film, and a lot of moving parts to ensure are working with synergy. "It Comes At Night" pulled it off with near perfection.
You know who's NOT great at making movies like that? A man by the name of Michael Bay.
Yes, I know Bay didn't direct or write "A Quiet Place," and I know he's an easy and overused target. And I will judge John Krasinski as both the filmmaker and actor that he is on his own merits, I promise. But after sitting/cringing through the entire film, I have to tell you -- when the credits rolled and I saw "Produced by Michael Bay" light up the screen, I was completely unsurprised.
Michael Bay is not an idiot, and he's pretty much the master of his trade. I forget the exact source, but I remember seeing/reading an interview with him in which he explained that he KNOWS the movies he both makes and produces are supposed to be fun, popcorn flicks over anything else. They're big, in-your-face, IMAX-worthy extravaganzas that may not have the best acting or writing, but they deserve a spot in the cinema for their crowd. It's no wonder Michael Bay loved this movie and decided to throw it cash.
With isolation horror films becoming more and more popular with mainstream cinema, there have been some really decent ones in the past few years. I'm sort of baffled as to why "A Quiet Place" is being the most universally acclaimed of all of them, because it just fails in so many places.
Before I tear into it, I want to point out that there are some good things about the film. I absolutely loved that the majority of the dialogue was in American Sign Language, and the sound editing and cinematography were both impressive. But unfortunately, those all take a backseat for what's really important. Things like character development.
There are so many problems with the characters in "A Quiet Place." Krasinski's character is the expected hardy, grizzly father surviving in the words who apparently has multiple Ph.Ds in areas such as hearing aids, radio technology, and keeping infants alive in shoeboxes for hours at a time. There is just no explanation at how he built and kept up an elaborate farm/science lab hybrid in this kind of danger all by himself. Who is this guy, Dr. Evil?
Then there's the wife, played by Emily Blunt (who is Krasinski's actual wife), whose sole purpose in the entire film is to be pregnant. She doesn't do anything else and is pretty much constantly in danger because of her condition. Why would I care about her? Just because she's pregnant? If she's going to be a co-star, there needs to be more than that.
And finally -- oh god -- the children.
I appreciate Krasinski's efforts to cast a deaf actress to fill the daughter's role, and I'm sure she did the best with what the script gave her, but her character was just a disaster. The girl is angsty because she thinks her father doesn't love her (why is this exactly? Is it because he was too busy building the International Space Station for so long and didn't pay attention to her? Either I missed it or it was never explained; the dad didn't do anything to warrant this kind of hostility).
And finally then there's the brother, who is just irrationally terrified of everything all of the time and has no other discernible personality.
And that's it for dramatis personae, folks. A movie is going to automatically fail if the audience doesn't care about the characters, and that is 80% of what is wrong with "A Quiet Place." I've seen a lot of people praising the characters. I'm not sure what I'm missing here.
The remaining 20% are issues that made Michael Bay excited to get involved with this movie. I really like isolation horror films where the danger is not so clear and explicit ("It Comes At Night" excelled in this department). I have enjoyed similar films where this wasn't the case, but oh my god -- the monsters in this film look like that thing that attacked Anakin Skywalker on Geonosis in that awful Star Wars prequel. And they have GIANT EARS! Get it?! Cause they can hear really well! Would that be fun in a casual, B-movie horror flick? Yes, it probably would be. It's not fun in a movie that is otherwise supposed to be very serious and intense -- it just looks ridiculous in this context.
Finally, to top it all off, the ending is supposed to give you the 'feelies.' My definition of 'feelies' is an sad climax and an optimistic resolution. I know it's not a horror film, but think about how "Forrest Gump" ended. Guys like Spielberg and Zemeckis are good at the 'feelies.' You know what the secret ingredient is? Characters you actually care about!
The only 'feelies' I had at the end of this movie was needing to use the bathroom after my overpriced and comically oversized Coca-Cola Freestyle beverage.
Clearly, not one of my favorites. But, like I say in my title, your mileage may vary -- isolation horror is a particularly favorite niche of mine, and I've seen it done really well. If you don't often get to see a horror film that relishes suspense over slashing, you may really enjoy "A Quiet Place." It's watchable, and far from the worst horror movie ever. But if you want to see it done way better -- "It Comes At Night," "Don't Breathe," "Hush," and "Inside" are my picks.