A musical that forgot to add music...

Rating: 4/10 (15 July 2003)

ALL MY REVIEWS CONTAIN SPOILERS. EVERY ONE OF THEM.

What I am talking about is the fact that 8 Mile may be the first movie I have ever seen with no musical score. Scenes are painfully quiet, and have no background instrumentals to keep us company. Trust me, the dialogue is not that compelling, so the lack of music is definitely noticeable. What else is noticeable is the fact that Eminem has about as much screen presence as the Key Grip credit in the end of the movie. As an actor, he has 3 ranges: Mad, madder, and sorta mad. Just watch the scenes when he gets angry and snaps on people. It's some of the funniest work you'll ever see from an "actor."
How can a movie about the greatest form of music be so bad? There is no such thing as a bad rap movie. Even the bad ones are good!! I love Krush Groove, Beat Street, CB4, and Rappin'. Okay, maybe not Rappin'...but you guys get my point. It's a fool proof topic that can't fail. But 8 Mile does, and fails miserably at best. I also don't appreciate how 8 Mile tried to deceive me. This is a low budget independent movie, disguised as a major Hollywood production. They do a sneaky good job hiding the fact that the film has no score by filling every scene with a soundtrack song from somebody's album. And although the songs they chose are great, this movie cannot fool Rocky the Bear.
It starts with Eminem playing-- you guessed it, a rapper-- named B. Rabbit. The B stands for "Bunny." That's right folks...Bunny. And he actually thinks it's because he's white that people make fun of him. The film opens with him in the bathroom of a Detroit nightclub, all alone, rehearsing his rhymes. Ladies and gentlemen, I go to clubs routinely and I have never seen a vacant bathroom once. Anyway, he is involved in a rap battle, he chokes on the mic and is booed off stage. Hilarity ensues. He leaves the club, eyeballing his number one nemesis, Papa Doc, the Clubber Lang of MC's. Bunny Rabbit then goes home to his mom's trailer where we get an awesome shot of a naked body double we're supposed to believe is Kim Basinger. Basinger, playing his mom, speaks in southern hillbilly dialect, the same way most Detroiters do.
Nothing is right in Bunny Rabbit's life. He works at what everyone calls a dead end job (personally, I thought he had a very good job) and he has just broken up with his girlfriend and moved out their house, and back with Moms and live in boyfriend. Kim Basinger without question agrees to take Bunny Rabbit in (how realistic) and of course, the rest of the movie becomes Bunny vs. Boyfriend. Eminem is one dead actor. Sometimes I wondered if he was actually present during the movie, or did they just use still photographs of him and animate his mouth, Clutch Cargo style. One funny thing he does repeatedly is get angry at Boyfriend, cuss him out and threaten him, then in 2 seconds turns into Mr. friggin' Rogers and grabs his little sister and showers her with over-affectionate baby talk. In one scene even serenades her. Very creepy; it's probably the scene that secured the R rating.
8 Mile, or as I like to call it, "Riding Around In Cars With Boys" is one boring snoozefest of a movie. Every scene entails Bunny Rabbit riding around in different cars with his boys. After a while, it becomes painful to endure, and I made the decision that I'd rather use gravel as eyedrops than to watch another frame. And to make matters worse, while I was in the theater, this strange smell would not leave my area, so I had to sit there in my seat, continually smelling this God awful aroma. Then I looked up at the screen and realized it was 8 Mile I was smelling.
Bunny Rabbit hangs with the wackest crew in crew history. It's leader is a guy named Future, which is actually Mekhi Phifer with a brown mop on his head we're supposed to believe are dreads. Next up is the Farrakhan of the group, Angry Boy X. Angry Boy X is one of Hollywood's latest stereotypes they've been doing since Zebrahead. There's also a big fat boy for comic relief (fat boys are always funny) and a true loser named Cheddar who's slightly retarded. Watch the sensitive scene where Bunny Rabbit visits him after he is shot. Cheddar actually tells Rabbit, "I-- I just don't want them making fun of me." Oh, boo hoo. I thought they were going to kiss.
Oh yeah, the movie also stars Brittany "I'll Never Tell" Murphy, playing what else-- a slut. Early in the movie, the gang set an abandoned building on fire, I think they were trying to make some Detroit public service announcement. Unfortunately, Bunny Rabbit makes it out the building alive. He then walks over to Brittany, who's watching the fire she actually says this line: "It's almost beautiful." I hate when movies feel obligated to include that mushy mumbo jumbo and force out lines like "It's almost beautiful." These days anybody can be a director, the only requirement is a heartbeat.
Eminem also looks really weird in this movie. For the most part, he keeps a hat on, I guess to hide his thinning hair. When he does take it off, he looks like a chemo patient you feel sorry for. As for the movie itself, it's so boring! It's like watching an ABC After School Special with no message at the end. No message because after the big rap showdown at the end, Bunny Rabbit beats his nemesis, but does he get a record deal and become famous? NO. He goes back to work!! What the hell did I even watch this crap for?!
I've even read lots of professional critics hail this movie, and compare it to Purple Rain-- like that's a good thing. That's like telling a new mayor he reminds you of Marion Barry. 8 Mile is basically bad scene after bad scene. Eminem gets into a fight with his mom's boyfriend, Eminem gets into a fight with a rival rap group, Eminem gets into a fight with his old girlfriend, Eminem gets into a fight with his new girlfriend, Eminem gets into a fight with his best friend, Eminem gets into a fight with a rap promoter, and then Eminem befriends a gay guy?? Hey, YOU try to make sense out of this movie. I gave up on the lunch truck scene. Pure crap.
Zero stars out of 5.