A bad rap, "Rocky" style...

Rating: Null/10 (19 March 2003)

OK, I finally decided to break down and see what all the critical hooplah was all about. Fortunately, I waited for the DVD to come out so that I could see the subtitles and read the lyrics that are almost impossible to decipher from listening to them. Wow! This was a tragic story. A young misguided youth lives on the right side of the tracks or rather (8 Mile). He longs to be on the other side of the fence where everything is not greener, but blacker. He writes rap music, well maybe not music, but he can rhyme connected sentences. Our hero, Rabbit, is handicapped from pursuing his goal. You see, he has the problem or rather the stigma of being white. Poor kid! He gets his chance to compete against the King of the Rappers, but it's early in the movie. If he succeeds in winning, then the movie will only be fifteen minutes long and we can go home before we get a headache. But this film isn't ordinary. It has the distinction of being a Curtis Hanson movie. We can expect more and exciting things to happen. Surely our hero won't fall in love with the rich white girl!!! That would be too conventional. He must somehow find a way to move out of his mother's trailer which she shares with a kid about our hero's age. What can be mother's problem by dating her son's school mate. Did I hear correctly? She's angry because the mate won't perform oral sex on her when she's hasn't bathed in many a day...and there's not a bathtub in sight. Good grief! Mother is handicapped by filth and odor.
Now let's get to the good stuff. I haven't read such accolades about a young actor's performance since James Dean appeared in "Rebel Without a Cause". Mr. Eminem is versatile. He can managed to look sad like a puppy dog or he can elevate it to one more emotion...an ANGRY sad puppy dog. Sometimes he went from one expression to the other with such agility, I got goosebumps. I'll bet he's magnificent in still photos. like a CD cover. Oh My! Some 90 minutes later, after seeing Rabbit's best friend, blow off his testicles (with a real gun!), it's time to build the epic to a climax.
The "comeback kid" gets another shot at beating the King of the Rappers. Will he freeze as he did before? We he be able to create lyrics on the spot about things that are happening now, all with a syncopated beat which can change tempos at will, whenever he needs to? The mounting tension is too much for the average theatergoers heart to stand. If you see it, make sure you have a "nitro" tablet handy to place under your tongue. The least you can do is to take a Xanax before the movie starts. I won't spoil the ending. You'll be thrilled at the conclusion if you've never seen "Rocky", "Hoosiers", "Rudy", or countless other ripoffs. It will ruin it for you if you can outguess the predictable ending. Will he win, finally? Will he decide he's out of the rich girl's league? Or will he walk off alone down a dark alleyway looking for the sunset and trying how to look like a happy sad puppy dog? I can't wait for the sequel! I guess I'll have to settle for other pieces of Hollywood schlock until then...you know...movies starring Nicole, Brad, Julia, Tom, Colin, Meryl, Rene, Gwenyth, Matt, Ben, Cate, Catherine, Anthony, Mel, Bruce, and other talents lesser then Eminem in the meantime. WHAT A FILM! "8 Mile"! A landmark in cinematic history. It ranks only slightly above, "Dude, Where's My Car?--the sequel".