We, Who Are About To Be Digitally Enhanced, Salute You!!

Rating: 10/10 (22 May 2008)

Hands down, this was the most sublime, contrite comedy of the year! I shall comment specifically on the finer aspects of this slice o' celluloid:
On Leading Actor: George Clooney doing a bad Sean Connery impression. Sorry, George--I didn't know 2006 was such a lean year for you...
On Entrances Of Fighting Animals: Ladies and gentlemen, Elton John! Queen! Miss Piggy! Did anyone notify Michael Jackson that some of his parade pets had escaped NeverLand? The only two missing were Kodos & Kang from the Simpsons...In face this reminded me of Bart & Milhouse trying to do their own Gladiator remake, intercut with clips from the Village Peoples' secret stash (probably snuck in there by Rod & Tod Flanders): 'OK, wheat! We need more wheat! OK, battles, some kind of speech about freedom, more blood, beheading, 'nother speech about freedom, limbs flying, push the bodies, 'nother speech about freedom...'Wait, Bart, are we doing Gladiator or Braveheart?' 'Oh man, I think we're sitting too close to this bucket of Mr Clean suds....Hey--Mr Clean! Yea! Put him in there, too!'
On The Villain: We can all rest easier now, because this 'film' has heralded the triumphant comeback of RuPaul!! Pierced, pumped, and sassy!! If you doubt that it was truly he/she, just think about his/her most spoken line - "Kneal before me!" Think about it...On second thought--don't.
On Token Judas Character: The bastard son of Gollum and John Merrick. And when it was led into the harem of wanton, randomly-pierced, rejected LA Lakers cheerleaders, even Caligula might have just said, "You know what, I'm outta here, pal".
On The 'Fierce Persian Army': (Cue b-sharp) We represent the Screen Actor's Guild The Screen Actor's Guild, The Screen Actor's Guild And in the name of The Screen Actor's Guiiiiiiiiiiild, We wish to welcome you to short-term contracts!
On Soundtrack: Nice to know Survivor's still getting work.
Now, some of you may be asking, 'Well, what of the story? The characters? The plot lines? (Pause for 8 minutes of uncontrollable snickering)...OK, seriously, back to it now...
(hee hee)Yes, I'm having fun writing this. And that brings up a very good point: Movies are meant to be fun! To be enjoyed--to entertain! So, in that sense, it served its purpose very well. True, my enjoyment may not be the kind the makers had in mind, but it gave me some great laughs, which are always welcome in my life; so I can't knock it too hard. Besides, those of you who know me how much a kick I get out of laughably bad cinema (oh, I do love them - ever so much!!).
Don't expect anything of substance, and you will have a great time watching this. And remember the immortal cry:
They make take our lives, but they'll never take our Ab-Rollers!!!