Sorry

Rating: 3/10 (20 May 2007)

When i saw the trailer for this movie i was intrigued (as was most of the population of the western world judging by message boards and internet forums). The trailer didn't say very much about what the movie would be like though. And i had no reason to expect what this turned out to be: a porn movie...
"A porn movie?!" you might ask. Yes, that's right. This is definitely a porn movie. Sure, there is no explicit sex in this movie, but that hardly has anything to do with it. In all other ways this is definitely a porn movie. Just replace all the sex with violence and the whole thing is done. And like a regular porn movie, this becomes tiresome incredibly fast. Unfortunately though there was no way to fast-forward the movie in the theater.
What, then, are the characteristics that this movie shares with porn? Simple: 1. We have a meager, almost completely pointless, story that works solely as an excuse for the real purpose of the movie: the porn. Here it's "We go out to defend our freedom" instead of "I'm here to fix deine kabel", but the principle remains the same. 2. We have a movie that's (at least) 70% slow-mo. Most of it with sweaty, half-naked muscled bodies moving in rhythm to music. Recognize that? 3. We have dialog that ranges between ominously pompous to exceptionally pathetic. Most of it is rather pointless though as it's more or less interludes between bloodshed.
Saying, and accepting, that this is porn is one thing. But the question, as always, is: is it entertaining? The answer i have to say is "not very". I know that a lot of people love this movie, but i can't for the life of me understand why. This is one of those cases where the trailer worked a lot better than the movie itself. Sure, the battles here are not poorly done. Mostly they look OK (although not stunning). But the fact is that after seeing people chop each other up in slow-motion for ten minute it becomes rather tedious. And then you have to consider that this movie is almost two hours long... Blood squirts, limbs are torn etc. etc.
I usually have a problem with movies that mess with history (i guess that's one of the problems of being somewhat of a history-buff), but in this movie it didn't bother me. The Persians could as easily be called "The Orcs" or something in this movie. They fight with what is obviously trolls, goblins and giants, and their famous king Xerxes is a 3-metre tall transsexual... So honestly it's impossible to take this seriously. So arguing about historical accuracy and racism feels completely moot. They haven't violated history, they have thrown it out the window. And somehow that feels better.
In a way, i really wanted to like this movie. I like movies that look good, i love action movies. I also like sword-play. But i didn't like this. I just can't stand this porn-type of movies. Maybe it's a sign that i'm getting older, the fact that i can't stand movies that have no story and nothing to offer except splattering blood. And even the blood-splattering has had it's bar raised in the last few years, so not even there does this movie measure up. I would rather watch "Gladiator" or "Lord of the Rings" again any day of the week. Sorry Zack Snyder, although i still loved "Dawn of the Dead".
3/10.