More oiled men than a night at Kaptain Quendo's Man-Love Palace

Rating: 1/10 (1 April 2007)

Oh dear god this is bad.
As far as I can tell the most significant characters in 300 are the deltoid, bicep, abdominals and the other great muscle groups. It is a testament to how awful this film is that this is somehow a relief. The human cast are entirely secondary to the main aim which is to show lots of people slaughtering lots of other people. The whole thing appears to be some sort of visual love poem to the human body.
*may contain spoilers*
The plot of 300 can be summed up thusly: "300 Spartans die". It's not much of a plot but there you go.
King Leonidas (lit. "maker of chocolates") is unhappy at the possibility of all the Spartan health-clubs being closed by Xerxes. Having been told that he isn't allowed to defend the Spartan calisthenics program by a bunch of lepers with their own lap-dancer he decided to lead 300 prime Spartan beefcake to the "hot gates" for a body building dance-off with the 9 foot tall Xerxes and his army of slaves. Both sides do some flexing before getting down to the fighting. The Persians roll out the most farcical military units they can think of and contrive to get themselves slaughtered very cinematically. A Rhinoceros for #*$@'s sake! A #*$@ing RHINO! Really. A giant, some elephants and a guy with blades for arms who looks as if he should be auditioning for the next Clive Barker movie (who we sadly never see fighting). I was really surprised that there weren't some orcs and maybe a cave troll or two.
Finally a hunchback, who looks as if he is a silicon sex toy for the advanced user, sells out the Spartans and shows Xerxes a way round Thermopylae. Then all the Spartans die.
Admittedly there seems to be some sort of side plot about some nasty Spartan chappie trying to get the queen into the sack but I assume that this is just a time filler because they couldn't afford to make an entire two hours of CGI fighting.
*end spoiler*
I would thoroughly recommend that everyone see this film. It's appalling. It's the best comedy this year. It's a homo-erotic masterpiece.