Lord of the Rings meets Stargate meets TMNT

Rating: 1/10 (16 March 2007)

Are you kidding me? 9 out of 10 rating. No way. This epic story of a battle that was fought by 300 of the roughest, toughest cold hearted warriors has so many inconsistencies and is so pointless that I actually wished I was watching Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy again, Bleeehhh! As far as this review being a spoiler, if you couldn't tell from the trailers that blatantly pointed out that all 300 of these morons die, well, ALL 300 OF THESE MORONS DIE! There, ruined it for you and hopefully saved you the ten buck admission fee. These young Spartan boys are kicked out into the world to fend for themselves right about the time they hit puberty. Then after fighting off the tallest, skinniest looking mangy wolves, they get to come back and be Spartan warriors. They are so ruthless, the Spartan King kicks the Persian messenger into a huge hole in the middle of town (which was apparently finished off by expert masons) just for asking him to kneel in submission. Haven't they ever heard the phrase 'Don't kill the messenger'? Although he may have deserved it since he was standing right on the edge of aforementioned huge hole in the ground while divulging the bad news of having to "Get on your knees (Texas Pete)!"
So now the ass-clown senators have to ask the gods if they should fight this huge Persian army made up of apparent computer programmers, stock brokers and (ha ha) kittens. These gods are 13 year old semi-nude girls who are the gods of Downy dryer sheets on acid-- yeah, go ask them for advice...makes sense, karate monkey. So Captain Jack Spartan convinces everybody that fighting is a bad idea. Everybody except the king and 299 easily led automatons. Meanwhile this Johnny Depp look-alike wannabe Captain Jack is being paid off in Cortes' gold by the king/god leader guy of the Persian army who will definitely go #1 in the first round in next year's NBA draft. Now the 300 are told not to go fight so the king dupes the senate by saying they aren't going to battle, they are just taking their swords and stuff to get their merit badges for the Spart Scouts. OK, we believe you. So off they go and on their way they meet up with Gollum's older hunchback brother who says he will help. Apparently 301 is a crowd so he is shunned, which, you would think he would be used to by now but I guess not, and hunch-boy doesn't take it too well. I had a hunch he would be a factor in the 300's downfall. He later in the movie rats out the fact that there is a 'secret passage' side road so the Persian army can flank the morons leading to their eventual doom. I don't know why they needed hunch-boy...you would think an army that size would carry a map.
Anyway, after fighting the first wave of programmers, then pushing attacking wooly-mammoths into the sea, then having a goal line stand against triceratops, the Spartans eventually have to go at it against teenage mutant ninja disappointed V for Vendetta guys. They were good but not good enough. Time for Navy Seals. Oh, wait, we're getting flanked. Well time to give up, especially after seeing your heartless ruthless warrior buddy CRYING over seeing his heartless ruthless killing machine warrior son's head chopped off during a timeout! Now the whole reason you went on this bogus merit badge trip was because there was no way you would ever get on your knees before some 9 foot 8 inch Stargate character god guy and submit to him. So why would you do it right before you die??? You get on your knees, you remember hearing one of your buddies blurt out "God Speed" (which god? Downy god? Other god? Some god from Apollo 13?) and it makes no sense and then you stand up and throw not a strike-- but a ball, high and away. It's way out of the strike zone and the only reason you hit Persian god/leader Stargate guy on the shoulder with your throwing knife is because he is 9'8" tall (should have been called for a balk anyway, you can't kneel on the rubber). All that got you was a hundred billion arrows shot at you simultaneously bringing your demise, although only three arrows actually hit you. Meanwhile back at the ranch, Queen Spartan is dropping trow to service Cap'n Jack in return for letting the rest of the Spartan army help save her husband. Did you hear that?? The REST of the Spartan army? Oh, yeah there are hundreds of thousands of these heartless ruthless killing machines waiting in the wings. A little information that would have been helpful YESTERDAY! These guys don't show up until after the queen kills Cap'n Jack (who ironically bleeds Cortes' gold) for dissing her after she was ready to accept the business end of his...man-sword. This is the point where you become really ticked off about how pointless this battle was and really want the 1 hr and 57 minutes of your life back. Besides that, I guess it was pretty good.