I intend to have you even if it must be burglary!

Rating: 5/10 (26 March 2007)

Do you dislike homosexuals? Really? Even now, in this enlightened age? Well your rampant, ingrained homohatred may be itself loathed by every liberal commentator on the planet but spankgoodness you've still got a home in Hollywood. That's right, in the dream factory no-one had even thought of buggery until some time in the early nineties when Tom Hanks tepidly kissed his lover but even then the story had a nasty twist. Hanks may have been in a loving relationship but thanks to his cocoa shunting he had contracted AIDS and would die. Nevermind!
Fast forward a few years and we have the 300 - a homo-erotic fantasy no less that simultaneously cries 'kill all homosexuals' while getting drunk on a gay saturated orgy of cartoon violence. Basically it goes something like this: The virile Spartans, we know they're virile because they kill wolves and screw their women, are told to roll over by the Persians lead by androgynous gay icon King Xerses. Leonaydas, a real man and don't you forget it, tells the flamboyantly decorated, well dressed Persians that they can take their threats and shove them where the sun is obscured by arrow fire - at least he would if they didn't enjoy it so much. The social lepers and lunatic mystics won't sanction a war so the King grabs 300 of his best warriors and moves to head off the incoming Persian army, even though they're rumoured to number in the millions.
What follows is roughly 90 minutes of slaughter in which the Persians - gay, grotesque mutants or both, are given a taste of Spartan steel - real men showing these limp wristed imperialists how to fight. Sure, they may only have 300 men but with 1 real man worth roughly 200,000 ear pierced Persians, its like shooting fish in a barrel...only easier. The thing about this is that its all beautifully rendered, CGI crayons scribbled large but there's more depth in thimble of water. Fans of slow motion, painted in blood spray and decapitation will need to keep their legs crossed. The rest of us should wince at the Xerses/Leonydas buggery scene (you'll know it when you see it), Xerses constant references to hedonism and kneeling down in front of him, you can theorise his motives for this on your own and the blatant gaffe - namely that the last part of the story is narrated by a character whose left the scene of the action. How does he know what happened exactly? Did someone e-mail him some clips?
All in all a very strange experience.