"300" insulting on so many levels

Rating: 1/10 (9 April 2007)

300 was the first movie of 2007 for me. 2007 was/is going to be the year of quality over quantity. I'm tired of running out to see seemingly good movies based upon good trailers, just to find out that the movie was not worth the money spent. I was going to wait until this summer before going to the theater, but Saturday night rolled around and I had nothing to do, so against my better judgment, I went to see 300.
I looked up the start time online to find out that "300" started at 10:05. I went to the theater and saw "300" on the marquee. I purchased a ticket for "300", and it read clearly on the ticket, "300". I went to the screen which also had a marquee that read, "300". I sat down through 30 minutes of commercials and previews before the movie started, and the title read, "300". So, I'm sure I did watch the movie "300", but by the end of the movie all I was sure of is that I got ripped off.
As highly touted as this movie was, as much money as it raked in, this movie was a bomb. I felt like I sat through two hours of Greek propaganda. I wanted to see the movie because I figured it would be similar to "Troy", "Lord of the Rings", or "Kingdom of Heaven" with the fighting. In other words, two very good and well equipped armies battling it out until one is overcome by the other. Umm, how wrong I was. It was more like a bad martial arts film with spears and swords. You know the kung fu movie where the hero is surrounded by his dozens of opponents, and they all attack one at a time, until the hero kicks or punches them all out without much effort. You know that type of movie? Yeah, well "300" was like that.
I don't think I've ever seen a more inept army, or were we to believe that the Spartan band was just that good? The Spartans were not just heros, they were superheros. With little more than a cape and a pair of leather Speedos, they were able to fend off the biggest army they ever faced. I don't even think they wore a cup. They didn't have one wasted motion. Every strike was fatal, every block was well timed, and they never suffered one loss until late into the movie. When I say they didn't suffer one loss, I mean not a loss of blood, not a loss of sweat, not a loss of nerves, not a loss of a weapon. As many spears that were chucked, they somehow regenerated them. Heck, they didn't even lose breath in this movie. Even if the Persian army was the biggest waste of flesh to hold a sword, the shear numbers would have caused exhaustion in any humans, but the Spartans fought droves of Persians without getting tired. Battle after battle, the Spartans came out with glossier skin than the fight before. To have so much exposed skin, I would think that they may suffer an abrasion or two on the rocks... they didn't even get that.
Eventually you come to realize that the Persian army consisted of the armies of every conquered nation in the known world with the exception of Sparta, in other words Greece, or in other words Europe. Amongst the Persian army you saw Black faces, Asian faces, Indian faces, Persian faces, and even monsters from origins unknown. Sparta was the first nation of Europe to be attacked, and Sparta/Europe was the only nation to withstand the onslaught of Persia. The Persian army, with the skills, talent, strength, and minds of so many other nations-- fought so pathetically, that they may as well not have been wielding swords. The Spartans were so graceful, skilled, strong, and every other admirable characteristic you can think of, that you got the idea that they could have done just as well with a rubberband and paper clips. Translation: white = strength, honor, grace, etc.; non-white = weak, stupid, shameful, etc. I can see why the Iranians were upset with this movie.
"300" was a gross exaggeration of a real event. The battle in "Lord of the Rings" was much more realistic. At least there was some give in "Lord of the Rings", there were some losses, and there were even some signs of peril. "300" leads you to believe that a bunch of 3/4 naked Ambercrombie & Fitch models with capes on were able to take on untold thousands of Persian soldiers to protect their beloved Sparta. Yeah, that's even less believable than the U.S. having won the Vietnam War.
If you are looking for blood, violence, sex, and nudity, then this movie is perfect for you. If you are looking for content, depth, or even just historical accuracy, then stay far away from this movie. This movie was empty, it didn't provoke the mind or the heart. The characters are all one dimensional and it looks like the entire movie was done in front of a blue screen. This movie is not only an insult to one's intelligence, it is an insult to all non-whites.