Pretty Pictures, Ugly Message

Rating: 3/10 (15 August 2007)

A Western head of state breaks his own laws and sends an inadequately small but highly-skilled army away from the homeland to battle Middle Eastern jerks and force a military stalemate.
But enough about current events.
If you were hoping for something a little more uplifting in "300," the second cinematic adaptation of a Frank Miller graphic novel, I'm here to tell you it's pretty much another deep-sea dive into the black Id of our basest instincts.
Yay.
First, some quick kudos to those in charge of the visuals in this film: Bravo. Truly. Watching this film was like seeing a Frank Frazetta painting come to life. Gorgeous action sequences. Luscious costuming and set design.
But in terms of plot, the film's tone is set early when a diplomat from the Persian Empire comes to visit the Spartan King Leonidas to suggest the Spartans surrender or be invaded. The diplomat's a black guy with a lot of freakily jewelry and lip-gloss. Not quite the olive-skinned Greeks one might imagine, all the Spartans in this movie look as though the cast of "Desperate Housewives" decided to have a toga party. The cynical symbolism zooms off from there like some kind of Nazi propaganda film.
Based on true historical events, King Leonidas proceeds to mobilize the Grecian world against Xerxes I and the Persian Empire by bravely leading the small fighting force for which the film is named until they are ultimately overwhelmed by superior numbers. We all certainly owe a debt of gratitude to the real Leonidas for his part in repelling a culture that may have otherwise devoured the very basis for our democratic traditions. Bravo, my brother.
But if it's an accurate dramatization of these events in their true historical context you're looking for, be prepared to be disappointed big-time. If you're in the market for a lot of dubious implied parallels between this ancient struggle and the current state of relations between the Judeo-Christian West and the Muslim Middle East, however, you're in for a rare treat.
In the present version, King Leonidas responds to the Persian diplomat by killing him and his entire entourage in cold blood. It's okay, though, because the diplomat, as we mentioned, was just some fruity black guy and the entourage were all dressed like modern-day terrorists. The parallels being implied stand out in stark relief when Gerard Butler's Leonidas waits for permission from his wife to murder the diplomat. You could see even the hardest Gulf War vet waiting for a nod from the wife to shoot a burglar. But I bet the real King Leonidas didn't ask his woman if he could declare a war. The willowy Lena Headley's Queen Gorgo, of course, gives the nod and later cuckolds her husband to score him some political points. She's clearly a real lady. As security mom simile, she all but drives from one scene to another in an SUV. The comparison couldn't have been more complete if she were sitting in a Spartan Starbucks spouting self-serving tales about the trials of being a full-time queen while raising an eight-year-old prince. We naturally never see the horde of slaves the real Queen Gorgo certainly had at her disposal night and day.
Like some kinda neo-con suck-up's wet dream, the film proceeds to demonize nearly everyone who isn't a statuesque white guy with really nice abs. These white guys strut around in cod-pieces and red capes with their pecks hanging out like some kind of Chippendale chorus line with spears. Of course with rare exception they annihilate everyone in their path until they are betrayed by a hideously-deformed warrior wanna-be they wouldn't let in their club.
Poor, poor us.
Here's a quick reality check:
First, Persia eventually became Iran and in 1953 the CIA helped engineer a coup in which a democratically elected prime minister was deposed and a monarch, the Shah of Iran, was installed as the head of state and this was all done to protect Western oil interests. NEVER MIND the Crusades.
Second, Western-style democracy is on the march all over the face of the planet. Even communist China has embraced western-style capitalism.
Third, no Muslim state exists which could hope to match America's military or economic might.
But gosh, that's no fun, is it? I mean without some big enemy juggernaut with which to spar, we might actually have to sit down and think about what to do with the unprecedented peace and wealth all our forefathers, from Leonidas to Bill Clinton, have bestowed upon us. Should we ensure health care for all? End poverty in our lifetime? Address global warming? Explore the depths of the sea? Build high-speed rail? Go back to the moon? Challenge ourselves to forever raise the bar for all our noblest aspirations?
Naaaaaaaaaaaahhhh.
Let's demonize everyone who isn't just like us and make them all look like a pack of corrupt, deformed, homosexual religious fanatics. Let's lump them all in with the rag-tag network of Muslim malcontents that manages to slip a bomb by us every now and again.
YES!!! I feel so much better, now. I no longer need to worry if my abs are the tightest or tannest! I can just align myself with this cabal of hatred and everything else will just fall into place. Sig Heil!!!
If you want to see a good historical drama about courage colliding with politics, might I suggest 'Serpico,' 'The Hunt for Red October,' or 'All the President's Men.'
If you want to see a good movie about dutiful and honorable warriors realistically dispatching enemies, I'd recommend 'Gladiator,' 'Glory,' or 'Saving Private Ryan.'
As for '300,' the people who crafted this ugly little ball of snot masquerading as entertainment ought to be sent to walk foot patrols outside the Green Zone in Iraq.