Could Turn You Straight, It's So Bad

Rating: Null/10 (29 October 2011)

I watched this only because a friend told me it was stunning. I had seen previews and thought, Well, this looks like gay crap presented as high- tech warrior crap. I was right. Friend, wrong. I don't mind a mindless, fun movie, honestly. What I object to is pretension on this level. The Spartans appeared to be a nation of psychopaths with subscriptions to International Male. The writing is beyond cliché. The slo-mo is o....ver....done. It frightens me that a few glossy visuals lead people to think they are watching a good film, because this is anything but good. Also - and I'm no expert on ancient battle techniques - I can't help but wonder if true warriors actually make sure their toes are pointed properly, like an Olympic diver, when they fly at the enemy. Similarly, I wonder about the sense in going into battle in nothing but a jockstrap. OK, maybe they did. I don't know. However, if the real Spartans were anything like this crew, Sparta's problem wasn't conquest. It was repopulating. If you get my drift.