Good god...please say no

Rating: 2/10 (19 October 2007)

I felt the need to enable an account in order to respond to my now realized utter indifference to the money I earn. Now...I was a little biased in that I am a fan of the comic. Keeping that in mind I had no anticipation of this "motion picture" bearing any resemblance to said book as the direction was not helm-ed by chris nolan or frank miller...the only directors/producers seemingly capable of translating a comic with dignity to the big screen. However...what is beginning to puzzle me is the following: to the best of my knowledge for something to be mediocre it has to be average. A "C" were we in high school. Now answer me this...HOW CAN SOMETHING SO F'ING MEDIOCRE BE SOO F'ING BAD? The plot, which I won't "spoil", seemed to be comprised of every generic device which are generally reserved as filler until a piece of effects-laden brutality wow the audience and make us giggle with sick delight and munch popcorn. I spent more time picking corn out of my teeth than taking mere moments of enjoyment from this trite excuse for an adaptation. It breaks down into several key components of suck. 1. Josh Hartnett is utterly incapable of emoting on screen. He plays callous characters quite well as in Sin City or even Lucky Number Slevin where the character has a heavy-hearted back story but doesn't really need to show that outside of intensity. 2. The aforementioned Hartnett is surrounded by a barrage of generally small-rolled actors desperately attempting to hold their heads above the proverbial blood-soaked water and fail to show anything that can generate more than a few sporadic laughs throughout the theater aimed at their inability to carry the scene. 3. This really should be the chief point. Who was it that felt the need to elaborate on anything outside of carnage engorging vampires in a month of darkness and snow? That's all I asked for. Ripping corpses, adrenaline fueled failed attempts at escape, and a hatred of garlic/silver/Jesus or whatever is fashionable to thwart vampires this year. No...just sequences of re-hashed "We can't stay here!" moments followed by jump-cuts anytime there should be on screen grisly. I would rather watch Underworld. Think about that.