Spoiler-free lament of time wasted.

Rating: 1/10 (12 January 2014)

Despite an interesting premise and some nice visuals, 30 Days Of Night is a dreary humorless mess which is entirely too long and incredibly dull. I've just recently started renting discs from Netflix again and decided to catch up on things I've missed over the last several years. For some reason, this was my first choice. Ouch!
The humans characters aren't so bad, despite being a collection of clichés. None of them are particularly memorable, but nobody will care about that because this is a movie about vampires. I've learned is that vampires like to wear nice black blazers or cocktail dresses, evidently are incapable of closing their mouths all the way at any time, speak a mixture of Huttese and dolphin screeches, and can leap like monkeys until the action dictates that they suddenly need to stumble around like they've dropped a deuce in their drawers. Honestly, I was more impressed by the vampires in Twilight (and that's something no person should ever say).
Despite those misgivings, I can safely recommend this to you if you're a big fan of sped-up jumpy-shot rapid-cut movie making, or the sight of people doing the "rawr" pounce pose while they're being lowered into the shot like they're some idiotic thrift store ninja. Unfortunately, I am not, and as a result I found this movie to be a fairly agonizing experience, enjoyable only for the colorful remarks I found myself uttering at the screen.
Instead of watching this mess I could have been doing something useful with my life. I could have cleaned my living room, for one. I could have called up old friends. I could have cooked a nice meal. I could have painted! I did none of those, and for that I am sorry.