No, it's not a movie about PMS

Rating: Null/10 (5 July 2003)

ALL MY REVIEWS HAVE SPOILERS. EVERY ONE OF THEM.

Any movie with a monkey is a friend of mine. Some of my favorite movies include: Project X, Monkey Shines, and Every Which Way But Loose. You just can't go wrong with a monkey in your movie. The only thing funnier than a monkey is a barrel of them. Hell, even the WORD monkey is funny. So I am sure you can imagine my delight when this film OPENED with ATTACKING MONKEYS!!
Some animal activist group with the IQ of baked velvet break into a science lab and decide to free all the chimps. But we quickly learn that the animals are infected with a rage virus (how they could even say that line without laughing is beyond me) that makes them stark raving mad. We then cut to 28 Days Later (oh, I get it now) where we see a bicycle messenger named Jim waking up from a 4 week coma. Why he was butt naked I have no idea. Perhaps his doctor was Larry Drake. He then realizes he is the only man left in London, and he walks around shouting "Hellooooo" for quite some time. I must admit I enjoyed these early scenes, they were mysteriously creepy. That is, until Jim stumbles upon a church full of zombies, who must have been searching for salvation. He is then rescued by some rough and tough zombie killers who update him on the last 4 weeks.
Then after about 45 minutes, I realized something horrible. The monkeys were not coming back. I waited and waited, but yep-- they were gone for good. I hadn't been this disappointed since that movie 12 Monkeys deceived the world by not having ONE monkey!
The other problem I had with 28 Days Later was the fact that you can't see anything. The movie looks like it was shot on a freakin' View Master, therefore even the daytime shots look dark. Zombies come and go, but the action is so dark and frantic, you can't see anything! Another thing that defies logic: There is a charcter named Selina who is tough as nails in the beginning of the movie, but in one day softens up so much, she lets any military man have his way with her. She doesn't even TRY to fight anymore! Michelle Rodriguez would never have stood for that. Jim then snaps "Lord of the Flies style" and becomes a one man killing machine. Not only does he kill zombies, but he kills highly skilled and trained military personnel including a Major. At least I think he was a Major. Oh, who cares, he was weak anyway. The movie also tempts us with nudity, but it never arrives. Oh wait, I take that back. We do get to see a nude zombie for all the necropheliacs in the audience. Oh yeah...one last thing that makes this movie so bad. It sucks! They should change the title to $18 Dollars Later. That's right. I actually took a date with me and ended up wasting $18 dollars; not counting popcorn and my traditional pre-movie arcade game ritual.
* * out of 5.