Spectacular Effects... and a Spectacular Waste of Time.

Rating: 5/10 (9 June 2010)

Roland Emmerich, the mad German sub-genius behind such mindless imperial crapulence as Godzilla and Independence Day, has concocted another deathly disaster brow that he has imaginatively entitled '2012', an under whelming roller-coaster ride of explosions, abysmal acting, generic action music, subversive physics, pedestrian dialogue, and infantile intelligence.
The 'plot' of this stupid and quintessentially American film is that, in accordance with some ancient Mayan calendar, the earth's crusts are very nearly about to try to recapture the glory days of Pangaea because of because of something to do with solar flares and subsequently fulfil a misanthropist's ultimate fantasy of killing a lot of people, all of whom like to spend most of their time running around aimlessly and together barely have the collective IQ of the members of the Flat Earth Society. It is then up to a lot of cantankerous civil servants, hammy world leaders, and idealistic twits (otherwise known in the Emmerich-verse as scientists) to "ensure the continuity of our species" by building three modern-day arks in China to preserve the fittest (or, in other words, the richest) Homo sapiens on the planet, all the while making sure that the international prole populace remain blissfully unaware of the impending Armageddon.
As is the tradition for this kind of trash, the film is told primarily from the perspective of a customary 'everyman' Jackson Curtis (played with understandable indifference by John Cusack) who has the hereditary family problems (or rather 'issues') that include a nagging ex-wife called Kate (played by a surprisingly unattractive Amanda Peet); a son who belongs to a long-line of disaster film pre-adolescent/adolescent urchins who have a chronic phobia of calling their fathers 'dad'; a nauseatingly-naive daughter who can't keep her fluids to herself while engaged in REM-sleep; and a smug rival for Kate's affections called Gordon who "doesn't do Lipo on Fridays". Through a series of fortunate – though for me unfortunate – contrivances, Curtis manages to not only learn of the imminent destruction but also of the existence AND location of the supposedly top-secret arks courtesy of a derelict lunatic (Woody Harrelson, playing himself) who just happens to be associated with a great many reputable academics and geologists. From there, Curtis, his family, and the slimy Gordon (who is conveniently a natural-born pilot) desperately try to reach China before the arks, and civilisation, are cast off.
The film of course possesses many subplots that are bland and uninteresting – and often completely unnecessary –, but they are nowhere near as riddled with cliché and idiocy as the main one. Indeed, the second main story threat of the film – the truly original and innovative perspective of the US president (Danny Glover doing a cheap Morgan Freeman impersonation), his daughter, his chief of staff (performed with villainous veal by Oliver Platt), and some science guy called Adrian (played by Chiwetel Ejiofor, likely the only 'actor' in this film who can be deservingly called such) – is actually sincerely poignant at moments, though still horribly theatrical at other moments.
Addressing the film's mise en scene, one cannot deny that the special effects are good. I tried to, but they really are quite spectacular. It really was a joyous experience to watch Los Angeles (aka. Purgatory) fall apart, not to mention seeing the aforementioned conspiracy nut get crushed by a tree, but that really is all the film has to offer in terms of entertainment and art. The script is poor and predictable; the cinematography is extremely unimaginative; and the editing is very leisurely and lethargic.
While I was not expecting Citizen Kane (you'd have to be mentally ill to have such expectations for this type of fare), or even Deep Impact, there could have at least been a greater attempt by the filmmakers to take a more earnest and intellectual approach to the material than that which can be seen in the film, especially after Emmerich's previous foray into the disaster genre, The Day After Tomorrow, had heralded such solid results.
Watch it only if you have a few extra brain cells that you wouldn't mind getting ride of.