Emmerich nonsense at its finest...

Rating: 3/10 (17 November 2009)

...or worst, depending on your sympathies, "2012" is a well-polished bolus of a film regardless. Its only genuine merit is spectacle, which it admittedly delivers in CGI spades. Earthquake? Check. Tidal waves? Check. Volcanic mayhem? Check. Avalanche? Check. Airplane crash? Check. Mayhem and mass destruction? Check, check, check, check. Aliens? Ch---oops, he left out the aliens. No death rays, sorry, Charlie.
This is popcorn entertainment for the brain-dead masses, no question. H. L. Mencken must be laughing fit to kill. Emmerich crammed in every disaster movie cliché he could think of. Kids in peril, miraculously rescued? Check. Beloved pet, threatened and rescued? Check. Broken relationship magically healed? Check. Absurd pseudo-science and routine suspension of the laws of physics? Check. Stalwart supporting characters slaughtered with abandon? Check. Incredible coincidences, serendipities, and synchronicities? Check. Characters the audience really doesn't care about? Check. Attempts at humor more disastrous than the events depicted? Check. Actors taking paychecks? Check, please! Words fail me, as they did Emmerich. I really can't be bothered; nor was Emmerich. "2012" plays like it was plotted by a 10-year-old, and not a very bright one at that. Harold "I can write words, too!" Klosar's score is formulaic in extremis, utterly forgettable. As I said, the only thing this wretched excess of a film can boast is its visuals. In fact, one might be best off wearing earplugs and watching the screen shenanigans in silence. This baby is as bad, if not worse, than everything Emmerich has done to date. The only scary and/or exciting thing about it is how much money it's going to make. What a sad commentary on the collective IQ and thoughtless tolerance of its intended audience, which is to say, us.
Have I written enough yet? Check. Cue last reel coda. Roll credits.
Edited to correct typo.