A disaster film of epic proportions

Rating: 1/10 (15 February 2010)

It's the end of the world as we know it - and I feel bored.
By now, just about everyone this side of Outer Mongolia has heard of the Mayan calendar and how it predicts the end of days on Dec. 21, 2012. But just in case you haven't, there's now a multi-billion dollar film to show us exactly how it's going to happen.
From the director of "Independence Day" and "Day After Tomorrow," (two other horrid motion pictures) comes "2012," easily one of the worst written and acted movies of the Apocalypse.
In fact, this makes "Fools Gold" and "I Love You, Beth Cooper" look lucid and intelligent by comparison.
Basically, it's nothing but a clone of every big-budget disaster film - "Day After," "War of the Worlds" (new version), "The Knowing," "Twister," "Poseiden," "Armageddon," "Deep Impact," "Dante's Peak," "Earthquake," "Evan Almighty," "Speed" and others all rolled into one with the decibel level cranked up to the power of 10.
With the suddenly talentless John Cusack (what happened to such roles as "High Fidelity" and "Eight Men Out"?) at the helm, this one goes into the crapper fast - just like the world as we know it. Cusack plays a failed author who now works as a chauffeur for a fat Russian slob with two obnoxious sons.
His estranged wife, Amanda Peet, is dating a fairly decent plastic surgeon and his kids want nothing to do with him. On a camping trip to Yellowstone Park, he and the moppets run into a crazy guy broadcasting doom and gloom from his Winnebago (Woody Harrelson looking more like Nick Nolte's drunk driving photo than his lovable "Cheers" character).
He also runs into a bubbling underground lake and is promptly escorted off the premises by the U.S. military. Needless to say, because the earth's core is heating to unsurvivable levels, the crust is becoming unstable and the world as we know it will collapse in a matter of days.
Never mind that plate tectonics and continental shift are processes that would take thousands - if not millions - of years. In this movie, we get it right away, just like a fast food meal.
Here's where the big-budget CGI effort goes into full effect. We see first California, then the rest of the nation systematically destroyed by various earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanoes as Cusack and his goofy family and friends escape time after time.
Even Danny Glover as the President cannot save the day, although his Chief of Staff, played by Oliver Platt (whom we last saw getting oil rubbed on his paunchy stomach by Michael Cera in "Year One"), does his best to save his own skin.
Cusack and Co. then make it to China and discover the existence of several large ships designed to save what's left of Mankind and - oh why am I even bothering to explain ANYTHING about this loud, ridiculous mess that contains the worst dialogue imaginable, a laughable conclusion and plot-holes one could steer a small planet through?
That, plus the fact this mishmash is almost THREE hours long. I saw it in 2009 and it FELT like it was 2012 before I got out of the theater. You will WISH for the Apocalypse to arrive rather than sit through this garbage.
The end of days is nothing compared to this movie. Take my advice, avoid this like the plague. In fact, the plague is a vacation from this 180-minutes of pure Hell.